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Original poster

He's had a one night stand

89 replies

LittleDonkin · 04/04/2011 13:43

I found out on Saturday night that my husband slept with someone else 10 days ago.

I found out by looking on his facebook and she had sent him a message asking what was going on because he said he was single and he quite obviously isn't. So I started a conversation with her stating I was his wife and asked her what had happened. I confronted husband who said he had no idea who she was and she must be a loon so I said right I am going to ring your brother and he said fine so I picked up his mobile and guess what there where 3 unread texts messages from the women asking what was going on and to read her message on facebook only then did he admit what he had done.

It happened on his birthday. His brother came to stay and they went out. They did not come home until 6.45am and then went straight to bed. I asked him where he had been until that time and all I was told was a nightclub.

This is as far as I am aware the first time he has actually slept with someone else but in the past he has been messaging girls either through facebook or text. Everytime I have found these messages he has promised that it will never happen again and that he loves me.

I just dont know what to do my family are 2.5 hours away as my husband is in the services and I live on camp with him. When I found out I was adamant that I wanted to go to my mums so I rang her but she wasnt answering so in the heat of the moment I rang my sister who knows all about his previous and she was obviously very upset. I got hold of my mum told her what had happened and asked her to pick me up the next day which she said of course she would. After ringing my mum husband came upstairs grabbed hold of me and told me he loved me and didnt want me to leave. I got all emotional and then I started asking questions about what had happened and he said he couldn't remember because he was pissed. I rang me mum back and told her not to pick me up as we were talking about it.

Yesterday I was trying to act like nothing had happened because if I actually think about it I feel like chopping his dick off and feel physically sick at the thought of him shagging someone else.

Today I just feel numb. I dont know what to do. I feel like I am being soft because he is still in the house and he is still in our bed (I must point out that there has been no touching or anything of the like)

We have our daughters christening on Sunday and I dont know how to deal with it. I asked him today how he would feel how if I told his mum what he has done and he said he doesn't want her to know but if she asks me how I'm feeling or if something is the matter I will tell her. Why should I lie? I have done nothing wrong. I'll add that his dad cheated on his mum and she left him.

I am trying to stay positive around DD but I dont know how long I can stay like this.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 04/04/2011 14:24

Ok then...go home to your family and come back just for the christening

Alternatively, think of all the reasons why you need to stay with this useless tit, for more of the same humiliating treatment < shrug >

Teaandcakeplease · 04/04/2011 14:24

He sounds like a serial adulterer. My ExH was tempted many times before it actually happened.

It does take a while for the heart to catch up with the head and when you have small children it's so hard to decide to end it. But Peter Andre is right and so is Pompey.

You can read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass as it's very helpful, a brilliant book imo. But I really think the christening should be postponed and I think you need some space to work out what you want. Can you stay with your mum for a short while?

Becaroooo · 04/04/2011 14:25

He doesnt sound sorry he did it.

He sounds very sorry he got caught!

Original poster
LittleDonkin · 04/04/2011 14:27

The christening is back at where I'm from. What do I do about husband and his family attending put it this way until his brother came up that is the first time she had seen any member of his family since she was 5 days old. She's 6 months old next week. I dont think any of them care.

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 14:30

LittleDonkin so sorry for you.

I think you need to have some breathing space. I would go to your mums. It doesn't need to be forever but you need some space away from him and amongst people who care about you. You may decide to give it another go, in time, but at the very least you need to make him see that this is a dealbreaker, and (that for now at least) you don't want to be with him. He needs to realise this is much more serious than just allowing him to talk his way out of it and for nothing to change in his cosy little world - yours has just crumbled, after all.

Don't cover for him, don't pretend it's all ok and try to paper over it. For your own sake, and for that of your DD. Give yourself some time, get away, talk to your friends and family and then decide what you want to do - in your own time.

mouseface · 04/04/2011 14:32

If they don't care, why do you?

Have the Christening, invite your twat of a husband. Get it over with and then move on.

You have to give yourself space to decided what you really want.

I can't imagine for one minute that you want to keep playing this game with him, do you?

PeterAndreForPM · 04/04/2011 14:32

Even better if the christening is back home

Just go home, what he does after that is up to him

Don't lie for him either, unless of course you are going to paper over the cracks again and let him carry on this one-sided open relationship he seems to think he is in with you

MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 14:33

Can you put it back a few months? You're not exactly going to enjoy it with all this going on are you? And then make it his problem to sort out. He will have to tell them what he's done and why you are not together at the moment. You didn't create this mess, he did!

pink4ever · 04/04/2011 14:33

FFS stop focusing on the stupid bloody christening women! No your right-his family dont care.His brother is obviously just as much of a twunt as your dh is. Social gatherings can be rerarranged.Your dd is far too young to know or care but she will grow up soon-is this really the kind of example you want to be setting her? dh can do what he likes and mummy will just put up and shut up?.
Am not saying marriages cant recover from affairs-they can but only if both parties work at it and the adulterer takes the responsibilty for their actions. Doesnt sound as if your dh ready to do that.Maybe he will get he kick up the arse he needs if you leave and go to your familys?. WTF he is still sleeping in your bed?. Get him on the couch/dog basket/shed. Stand up for yourself-NOW.Get angry.Get very angry.

Malificence · 04/04/2011 14:33

So his family are as emotionally inadequate up as he is then? you only have to look at a man's family to understand him. Sad

Get away from this life before you end up in a foreign country with no support and a husband who will shag any girl who gives him the wink while he's away on tour etc. Forces life can be wonderful when you are with a man who cares about his family, it can also be hell on earth for those women who aren't that lucky.

He doesn't deserve to have you and your DD.

AbsDuCroissant · 04/04/2011 14:34

If they don't care - leave them out of it. You don't want your daughter to have such unbothered, uncaring people in her life.

Go, have a wonderful day with your family and your baby. If people ask where the sperm donor father is and you feel strong enough, tell them the truth, otherwise just say he's been sent away (he's in the forces, it could happen)

MmeLindt · 04/04/2011 14:35

Go home. Go to your Mum. Have the Christening. If his family come, then be polite to them.

After the Christening, stay at your Mum's house.

Original poster
LittleDonkin · 04/04/2011 14:36

The only people that know are my mum and my sister. I dont even have any friends on this camp to talk to.

I know I should leave but I feel so pathetic worrying about this christening knowing people have arranged things that I want to get it done then think about the next step.

Worse thing is husband has 3 weeks leave starting on Friday that before all this I was really looking forward to.

OP posts:
houseworkwhore · 04/04/2011 14:37

I think deep down you know what you need to do. What you will do is a total different thing. Maybe some time out will give you the strength to leave x

MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 14:41

It's good that he has 3 weeks off - he can spend the time working out what he's going to do to try and save his marriage.

Go to your mum & sister. They will want to help you. If there are no friends where you are that's another reason to go. You need people on your side - not one person (him) trying to persuade you to put up.

Don't worry about other people's arrangements. This is all his making!

LBsBongers · 04/04/2011 14:42

Go to your mums asap, give yourself some space, get through the christening with dignity and return to your mums

As someone said re-read your post and imagine it was a friend or your sister, what would you tell them to do ?

HerHissyness · 04/04/2011 14:43

You do what YOU want to do. What suits YOU.

It honestly doesn't matter at all, not a jot, not one IOTA what him or his family think, say, want to do, or don't want to do. If it mattered, they'd have been around more.

FWIW, seeing as your BIL has shown up and the pair of them have gone out on the pull and actually 'scored' as it were, the arrival of any member of his family has actually been detrimental to your family, rather than positive. Clearly they have a questionable moral code/warped idea of family values.

Talk to people that inspire you, that help you and support you, steer well clear of those that attack your marriage/self esteem/confidence.

This guy (and his family) is a wrong-un. The sooner you isolate yourself and your DD from him the better.

Niceguy2 · 04/04/2011 15:03

You have to go home.

If you stay, effectively you are giving him the impression that if he gets caught, all he needs to do is to grovel for a bit.

Move home and one of two things will happen.

  1. He will fight tooth & nail for you and realise that shit your serious and what he could be on the verge of losing

  2. He doesn't make the effort in which case you are doomed anyway and all you are doing is delaying the inevitable.

Original poster
LittleDonkin · 04/04/2011 15:06

I dont want to sound like I'm making excuses for him but does anyone think counselling could help? Either him on his own to deal with his obvious issues or together?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 04/04/2011 15:07

would he accept counselling ?

Bucharest · 04/04/2011 15:07

The only "issue" he has is that he doesn't respect you enough to be faithful.
Counselling is not going to change that.

Original poster
LittleDonkin · 04/04/2011 15:10

I dont know because we havent talked about it.

Malificence may have touched on something when she mentioned about him joining up to escape his family. I think he may very well have. He joined up as soon as he could when he was 16.

OP posts:
Inertia · 04/04/2011 15:12

If he's in the Forces, is there a Families officer or similar who could arrange some help for you, or arrange alternative accommodation for him while you get your thoughts together?

He's going to carry on doing this as long as he keeps getting away with it - even when he's caught there are no consequences.

Malificence · 04/04/2011 15:15

If he is capable of understanding that he has failed at the first real test of a man, which is becoming a father and truly wants to change and grow as a person then yes, there may be a chance that counselling will help him.

His fidelity is less of a worry than his inability to be a proper father to his baby to be honest.

I'm not entirely convinced that people can learn to be emotionally mature adults though, especially at the age of 27.

Snowdropfairy · 04/04/2011 15:22

Wow you are very calm.

If my husband had a one night stand i would never talk to him again. I couldn't get the image of him kissing, going down on or putting his cock in another woman. I just couldn't get over that.

Your husband did not have a one night stand he give the woman his number so he could see her again.
No one gets that drunk - otherwise he could not have had sex.
He was just after sex with another woman no emotion you cant put that right as he just wants sex with someone that is not you.

Counciling only works on emotions if it was just sex then there is no emotion in it to sort out.

Your Husband acted live a signle guy out on the pull. If he was my husband i would make his wish come true and leave him. Full stop.

No one would treat me like that - do not put up with it you are worth more than that.