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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's had a one night stand

89 replies

LittleDonkin · 04/04/2011 13:43

I found out on Saturday night that my husband slept with someone else 10 days ago.

I found out by looking on his facebook and she had sent him a message asking what was going on because he said he was single and he quite obviously isn't. So I started a conversation with her stating I was his wife and asked her what had happened. I confronted husband who said he had no idea who she was and she must be a loon so I said right I am going to ring your brother and he said fine so I picked up his mobile and guess what there where 3 unread texts messages from the women asking what was going on and to read her message on facebook only then did he admit what he had done.

It happened on his birthday. His brother came to stay and they went out. They did not come home until 6.45am and then went straight to bed. I asked him where he had been until that time and all I was told was a nightclub.

This is as far as I am aware the first time he has actually slept with someone else but in the past he has been messaging girls either through facebook or text. Everytime I have found these messages he has promised that it will never happen again and that he loves me.

I just dont know what to do my family are 2.5 hours away as my husband is in the services and I live on camp with him. When I found out I was adamant that I wanted to go to my mums so I rang her but she wasnt answering so in the heat of the moment I rang my sister who knows all about his previous and she was obviously very upset. I got hold of my mum told her what had happened and asked her to pick me up the next day which she said of course she would. After ringing my mum husband came upstairs grabbed hold of me and told me he loved me and didnt want me to leave. I got all emotional and then I started asking questions about what had happened and he said he couldn't remember because he was pissed. I rang me mum back and told her not to pick me up as we were talking about it.

Yesterday I was trying to act like nothing had happened because if I actually think about it I feel like chopping his dick off and feel physically sick at the thought of him shagging someone else.

Today I just feel numb. I dont know what to do. I feel like I am being soft because he is still in the house and he is still in our bed (I must point out that there has been no touching or anything of the like)

We have our daughters christening on Sunday and I dont know how to deal with it. I asked him today how he would feel how if I told his mum what he has done and he said he doesn't want her to know but if she asks me how I'm feeling or if something is the matter I will tell her. Why should I lie? I have done nothing wrong. I'll add that his dad cheated on his mum and she left him.

I am trying to stay positive around DD but I dont know how long I can stay like this.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 04/04/2011 15:22

I agree mal, teaching someone to be a grown-up ?

how could that ever work ?

the only thing that will "teach" this tosser anything is some consequences for his actions

systemsaddict · 04/04/2011 15:30

Just a practical note here: if you're living on camp, with kids, I have seen posts from people in similar situations who have been advised not to move out, but to get families liaison involved, as Inertia suggests, if there is going to be a separation. I don't know details but someone in similar situation recently was advised that they would have the right to stay in the house for a while and their partner would be moved to single accommodation. Post in the 'Forces Sweethearts' section for advice from people who know.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 15:33

So, at what point did he accept this womans friends request on facebook? Before or after he shagged her?

If before, it was a pretty premeditated shag. If after, he clearly had no regrets, no thought of you and your baby, and clearly wants to do her it again.

Get the Christening over with, and move out.

This man is a waste of space.

Snowdropfairy · 04/04/2011 15:34

I agree with systemsaddict.

Do not leave the house get him to move.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 15:34

ok so dont move out, but KICK him out.

Original poster
LittleDonkin · 04/04/2011 15:39

He accepted her friend request after apparently so she would see he was married and as he stated so she would leave him alone as he didnt want to talk/speak to her again because he fully regrets what he did. I pointed out the fact that she isnt the one that is married. As far as she was concerned she was talking to a single man.

OP posts:
oldwomaninashoe · 04/04/2011 15:58

I would postpone the Christening, you are in a highly emotional state and I think you will end up being very upset.
No-one will blame you or criticise you, especially not your family and friends.

Fallingstars · 04/04/2011 16:07

He accepted her friend request to get her to leave him alone?? On what planet does that sort of twisted logic make ANY sense whatsover??
Did he neglect to tell her he was married before he jumped into the sack with her?
LittleDonkin I am really sorry for the awful situation you are in but you are being far too understanding. If I were you I would be murderous in my fury. How dare this man do this to you and then insult your intellegence afterwards by feeding you such a crock of s**t? Not only is he a liar, he is a very bad and inept liar.

Seriously listen to what others have said and postpone the Christening, you are in no emotional state to deal with it. Go and stay with your mam/sister and get the emotional support you need. It is FAR too early to even be thinking about things like counselling, you need to let it all sink in first and put you and your daughter first. Don't even worry about your husband and his feelings, he certainly wasen't thinking about yours when he was seducing another woman was he?

MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 16:13

I agree with others who say counselling may work if he genuinely wants it to, but that is not something for now. That is for way down the line, after he has realised he may have lost you; after he's spent time begging you to come back; and after you then decide you do want to give it another try (if you then do).

For now the important thing (IMO) is that he realises the gravity of what he has done. Don't talk to him about counselling, how to make it work, anything other than to tell him you are leaving him and it may or may not be for good. Try to be strong.

Make him realise what he has got to lose!

QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 16:13

That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard!
He invited her to his facebook so she should leave him alone? Did he not think that blocking her would achieve the same, even better?

Clearly you see that he is speaking nonsense!

Has he not yet realized he is married, and that he is a father?
He is behaving like a single man without any responsibilities.
He must be the most stupid man in Britain. Sorry. But that is just daft.

You deserve better than that.

MooMooFarm · 04/04/2011 16:15

BTW I agree that the excuses he's making are bull - the only excuse re being drunk is if you're so drunk you're unconscious. Clearly he wasn't or he wouldn't have been able to have sex.

Don't sit around giving him the opportunity to try and tell you any more of it.

Vassia · 04/04/2011 16:21

I don't usually post on these kind of topics as I am known in RL for being rather blunt and to the point and would probably hurt your feelings.

But I feel this must be said. You are being a fool. When you called your mum to pick you up, you should have followed through. You should leave him. If my husband was talking to random girls via FB or text, I would actually kill him. And he knows this. And vice versa. We both know everything would be destroyed if either of us were to cheat. It's about respect, boundaries, commitment, and eh....restraint!

I never understand why people stay in relationships with people who have cheated on them. I get that you have a child, and you probably still love him....but he cheated on you! He had sex with someone else. Actual physical sex. And he can spin a line about being drunk and being an idiot, but he knew what he was doing. But he'll talk you round, and you'll go to counselling, and you'll "work on your relationship" and he'll "promise never to do it again" and you'll believe that until he goes on a night out and you sit at home wondering where he is and who he's with.

You should be with your mum. You should show him that there are consequences to his actions. Even if you fully intend on working things out, I would definitely put a lot of space and time between you for him to full realise what he will be losing. Acting like nothing has happened achieves fuck all.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 16:24

Well said Vassia.

noddyholder · 04/04/2011 16:27

This wasn't a one night stand it was in her opinion probably a first date and in his the beginning of an affair. If you hadn't caught him it would have continued because they have given each other contact numbers etc. He sounds immature and just not ready for a committed relationship. My advice would be Let Him Go men like this don't really change.

emmymoomoo · 04/04/2011 16:27

What you should do is go to the hive, tell him you want him out of the 1/4 due to infidelity and you need "thinking" space.

This will give you 3-6 months in that house, with him paying and him in the block. You don't have to rush anywhere and can take good time to sort out your arrangements.

Then tell him to get stuffed.

MikeRotch · 04/04/2011 16:28

agree with nod

Xales · 04/04/2011 16:33

Sorry you are going through this.

Sorry but the exchanging numbers and becoming friends on facebook seems suspicious.

Please go and get a STI check. Sad

FabbyChic · 04/04/2011 16:41

If it was a one off, how did she even know his last name? How did she get his phone number if he wasn't intending on seeing her again?

jesuswhatnext · 04/04/2011 16:57

oh lovey!, im looking at this from a mums point of view (im much older than you!) - pack your stuff up and pick your baby up and go home to your mum!

you have nothing with him, youve only been married a short while and hes already shagging about - he dosent love you like a real man would, he is taking you for a right bloody charlie - little wifey at home, looks after the baby he produced to show that he can, washes his pants, irons his kit, cooks his dinner and then stays at home like a good girl while he goes out rutting!

as a mum, im telling you you deserve a fucking sight better! - you are young and bright and have your whole life ahead!, dont let this wank-stain ruin it for you!

welshbyrd · 04/04/2011 17:00

Littledoinkin, have to ask, how sure in your own mind are you, that this is the first ever time he has done this?

Its hard to advise, when there have been previous ongoing/texts/facebook with different women. Have you dealt with these previous chat flings IYSWIM

Im not wording this very well, what I mean, is how much did you trust him prior to this most recent incident?
If you was wary, and did not trust him wholely before this, I can not see you both getting past this

mouseface · 04/04/2011 17:03

Donkin

Are you taking any of this advice on board?

Do you see what your husband has done?

I understand that this is hard, more than you know but please, take head of the very wise words posted in response to yours.

seachange · 04/04/2011 17:09

OP, just in case you're not 100% decided, there are lots of us trying to work on our relationships after our partners have cheated. Have a look for the Recovery after an affair thread, it will give you some different perspectives.

mouseface · 04/04/2011 17:17

HERE

Teaandcakeplease · 04/04/2011 17:29

I was thinking the same as noddy, would he have even confessed if you hadn't found out? I really think counseling will not work right now for the reasons already said.

Having some space is a good thing, it truly is. Your thoughts will be very muddled right now.

Snowdropfairy · 04/04/2011 17:49

I'm sorry but i just can't believe that a wife would know that their husband has sleeped with someone else in a one night stand stlye and no walked out.

I can under stand if it was a long emotional affair and things went too far. I could understand that and work on things if my husband wanted.

But if he just went out and had sex with someone else that wasn't me when i was at home and happy to have sex with him, i just could not get over that.

He chose to have sex with someone else and throw away his marrage.

This man does not care about you or your feelings, if he did then he would never of done that. He was not even discreate about it. What was his brother doing when he was having it off with this girl?