He's had a one night stand

[LittleDonkin]

I found out on Saturday night that my husband slept with someone else 10 days ago.

I found out by looking on his facebook and she had sent him a message asking what was going on because he said he was single and he quite obviously isn't. So I started a conversation with her stating I was his wife and asked her what had happened. I confronted husband who said he had no idea who she was and she must be a loon so I said right I am going to ring your brother and he said fine so I picked up his mobile and guess what there where 3 unread texts messages from the women asking what was going on and to read her message on facebook only then did he admit what he had done.

It happened on his birthday. His brother came to stay and they went out. They did not come home until 6.45am and then went straight to bed. I asked him where he had been until that time and all I was told was a nightclub.

This is as far as I am aware the first time he has actually slept with someone else but in the past he has been messaging girls either through facebook or text. Everytime I have found these messages he has promised that it will never happen again and that he loves me.

I just dont know what to do my family are 2.5 hours away as my husband is in the services and I live on camp with him. When I found out I was adamant that I wanted to go to my mums so I rang her but she wasnt answering so in the heat of the moment I rang my sister who knows all about his previous and she was obviously very upset. I got hold of my mum told her what had happened and asked her to pick me up the next day which she said of course she would. After ringing my mum husband came upstairs grabbed hold of me and told me he loved me and didnt want me to leave. I got all emotional and then I started asking questions about what had happened and he said he couldn't remember because he was pissed. I rang me mum back and told her not to pick me up as we were talking about it.

Yesterday I was trying to act like nothing had happened because if I actually think about it I feel like chopping his dick off and feel physically sick at the thought of him shagging someone else.

Today I just feel numb. I dont know what to do. I feel like I am being soft because he is still in the house and he is still in our bed (I must point out that there has been no touching or anything of the like)

We have our daughters christening on Sunday and I dont know how to deal with it. I asked him today how he would feel how if I told his mum what he has done and he said he doesn't want her to know but if she asks me how I'm feeling or if something is the matter I will tell her. Why should I lie? I have done nothing wrong. I'll add that his dad cheated on his mum and she left him.

I am trying to stay positive around DD but I dont know how long I can stay like this.

snowdrop, I take the opposite view - the most important thing in my marriage is the emotional connection and a long-term EA would be far more devastating to me than a one night stand.

I think it would be a dealbreaker either way though, and I think the OP is dealing with a lot more than a one night stand here - not that he's having a relationship, but that her H's opinion of her (and all women), is so low.

I'm with you on that Mak - deal breaker one way or the other.

BUT...... only because I have been in Donkin's shoes in the past, more than once.

He friended her to get rid of her?
Please donkin tell us you didn't believe him?

OP, dont let him cloud your judgement - if you stay around him he will.

go to your mums, give yourself some space and go to people who love you and have your best interests at heart. you need some TLC and some time.

reading your posts i doubt this has been the first time, and it probably wont be the last.
im a massive advocate of counselling, but i think your dh hasnt just made a mistake, i suspect he has done it before and would do it again if he thought he wouldnt get caught.
go to your mums.

This isn't the first time.

It certainly won't be the last.

Gather your self respect and go.

So sorry for you.

And if it hasn't been said already, please get yourself tested. People as pissed as he says he was aren't always that responsible with condoms.

Out there somewhere is a loving, responsible, faithful real man just for you...but you may never meet him if you stay with this loser.

I was going to ask what your relationship with his mother is like, because having gone through the same thing herself and hopefully knowing her son well, she might have been a very good lace to seek solace and advice. Doesn't sound like it though, if she hasn't made the effort with your new baby .

If I were you, I'd postpone the christening again. Probably telling people it is postponed because your marriage is struggling and you want to ensure that your child is surrounded by love and positive people on the day she becomes part of the church. Find a way to word it that makes it clear who's fault this is, while still being nice ^in case you somehow resolve things with your husband. I think it is really important that you can enjoy your Childs christening and remember it untarnished by something like this.

With regard to moving out, I don't think I would. I am not a forces wife, and have no experience of the forces, but I would stay in my house and seek guidance from the family welfare people. Posts on MN speak highly of them. If it is possible for you to stay in your house while you think, and have him move into single quarters, then i'd opt for that. If he can't be moved, I'd leave and go to your mum.

I'm sad for you that he is a shit. I have 5 month old babies, and my husband and I have struggled with new parenthood. That doesn't give him the right to do this, and it shouldn't stand in the way of you moving on from him and building a happier life for you and your baby. I'll bet your scared of leaving with a tiny baby, but maybe you can get the strength by looking at your baby and getting on their behalf. I would be hurt and livid with my husband for this, but that would be so completely overpowered by anger and disappointment on behalf of my baby. He did this to your baby too.

Good luck. Whatever you do is going to be hard, and i'll be thinking about you.

I dont particually speak to his family as even when I found out I was pregnant husband wanted to tell his family himself and as he was in Afghanistan he sent several letters to different members of his family and his nana got hers first and she told his shit of a brother who then told his mother and she acted like a 5 year old having a paddy because she wasnt the first to know. I didnt even get a congratulations and I never saw them all through the pregnancy and then they went in an arse because the day after I got out of hospital my sister and dad came and then the day after that my mum then they got their "turn" the day after that. I wanted the people who had supported me through it all to be the first people I saw. Suffice to say I do not have a great relationship with his family.

I am sorry that it is like that.

I think you should go home to your mum. Remain civil with your husband for the sake of your child, but otherwise, fight for whatever is rightfully due, and allow him to have a relationship with your child if he is willing to make the effort.

Horrible as it is, it is surely better to do this now than waste time on a disloyal man?

Hello LD, I commented/tried to help on your last thread about your husband not engaging with your daughter. I am sorry that things have taken a turn for the worse. It doesn't sound to me like there is anything that makes this man worth hanging on to now. His cheating, his lying, his failure to parent, his family's antagonism - it adds up to a grim picture for you. I think you could be much happier away from him and his family, I understand that might not an easy decision to make though - even though it makes sense. Keep talking - to your family and MN.

What Fab said.

He told her his last name & gave her his number.

I don't think it was a one-off.

Sorry.

So my sil ex used to do this. And it never stopped. Ever. He cheated constantly when she was pg, recovering from a ectopic, with any woman daft enough to let him.

So shed throw him out. And he'd be really sorry. But not enough to stop. And this went on for 17 years.

Now she's a very hard bitter woman. Eventually she ended it but even 3 years later be still wants to be back with her cos he's changed.

The two nephews think it's 100% ok to behave this way. Because that's what he told them.

My dh works with a man who does the same, again he's really sorry... But not enough to turn down 23 year olds. His kids are acting up at school and getting into trouble. Does he see the connection? Probably. But next time he cheats he'll be really sorry and she will have him back.

They can only change in a world where no one lies about being married and his brother and male friends will always cover for him. Always. Because men have a 'it's none of my business' mentality not a 'she has a right to know' mentality.

Chalk it up to experience and find a man who will love you and not cheat on you. They do exist.

Because men have a 'it's none of my business' mentality not a 'she has a right to know' mentality.

not all men, fluffy, IME