"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi, I hope you don't mind me popping into this thread. I started a thread yesterday regarding my mum here. Long story short, I know I have to cut contact with my mum. Something I've always wanted to do, but always made to feel guilty because I'd be taking my DD away from her gran, iyswim. I'm telling her so tomorrow though when my DP is home.

I feel very angry at the moment, and don't have anywhere really to vent other than constantly repeating myself. I'm angry at her, I'm angry at many people, as well as myself. Life just seems very hard at the moment, and when I'm not angry, I just feel like wanting to crawl away and hide. Other than the problems with my mum (which stem back from when I was a child), my DD finally told me her true feelings about her father (I knew how she felt but was so relieved to hear her finally say it out loud). She sees him about 4 times a year, he doesn't call her, when he sees her he doesn't talk to her or do anything fun with her, and these were all things DD said and that she is so upset because of it (just wanted to get that off my chest).

All my life I felt like I must be a terrible person to always have bad things happening to me. That I must be such an awful person for my own mother treat me like I wasn't worth anything and to have a dad who just packed up and left. Now things are slightly different where I think I'm not a bad person but why do I keep being treated like one?

Hello

I was hoping someone could give me some coping staratgies for tomoro?

I stupidly wanted to improve my relationships with inlaws so decided to have bbq and kareoke party tomoro. They turned up today ready to take over and in the process insulted me, laughted at me and put me down gerr.

I just can't believe i let these people treat me like that in my own home and not only do i not say anything and try to laught it off but my husband does not stick up for me eighter. There other DIL has said she is working just to get out of spending time with them and every time i try to be nice they end up acting like knobs.

Also my BIL is not talking to me.

Some times i think its me, that i dont know how a framily is ment to interract. But now i'm starting to think its not me and i would not be treaterd like that by a friend why should i accept it off inlaws?

Sorry for the ramble

Hi LittleBlueBoat, just saw your post. Hope the bbq went ok, and things weren't too bad.

I'm only starting to take control of how I handle my mum, so I can't give much advice. But I can tell you it's not you if the other DIL is trying to avoid them as well. I also feel like I wouldn't allow anyone to treat me the way my mum treats me, so why should I let her? That's something I keep reminding myself.

Hope you're ok x

Hello all, posted a little while ago but no proper intro. In short, father NPD (not most extreme version but definitely a selfish twat), mother a doormat (probably depressed). Moved around very few years. Sister is 10 years younger and got caught in the middle of the relationship breaking down and is a right tricky customer now - my brother and I got off lightly. I had post traumatic stress disorder resulting partly from my son's birth but partly from my upbringing - it made me vulnerable to develop PTSD after a trauma. Had psychotherapy for three years before kids, helped a bit. Had much better treatment for PTSD and everything last year, gave me so much more insight into how I work and what I can do about it. More in a sec.

Anyway, have been feeling a bit crappy for about three months now, so went to the doctor today, and came away thinking, I really need to remember that although I'm a lot better than I was, thanks to the help I got, I am still vulnerable to having reactions when things crop up. And things do crop up.

I've recently found myself trying to 'save' my mum again. Never a good idea for me. I just feel like I can't let her rot with my (adult) sister living at home and manipulating her and controlling her, and watch the stuff gradually piling up. I've started to worry that she is turning into a proper hoarder. So then I start to feel that I need to intervene somehow, let her know people care. I know that I have a tendency to want to walk in a say, 'Kick her the fuck out! Live a normal life!' which doesn't bear any fruit and just serves to make her dig her heels in. So I thought, I know, I'll focus on just doing positive nice things. I'm throwing her a birthday party in a month, I got my brother round and we painted her kitchen for her, and I arranged a blind date for her (all with her express buy in and lots of chatting about it). Basically I gave my up my royal wedding weekend to help her out, my husband looked after the kids, bless his long-suffering heart. I just feel so low now - she stayed at mine before and after her date and left yesterday. I think I'm going through the thing that parentified children go through - 'If I look after you, mum, you'll look after me'. But in fact she isn't really capable of giving me proper love, she is too shut down emotionally.

So I have gone back to all the stuff my therapist gave me - diagrams and things, and I'm trying to figure out where I'm at right now. I have the possibility of taking on some work, which I like but it easily gets too much with having little kids around (ds6 and dd4). I have the possibility of taking some anti-anxiety stuff (Citalopram?) but I've never taken any mental health drugs before so I'm a bit worried. I thougt about trying to find another therapist or some group therapy, and then I thought - STATELY HOMES! I'm so glad this is here. I have an unusually high need to talk about stuff because my family is so mad compared with most people I know, and this is a perfect place.

When I have reduced contact with my mum and sister, life is a lot better for me. But I am really worried about my mum's situation, and I really don't know how to navigate that. I feel like because we are reasonably well off I have a responsibiltiy towards her, particularly as she ages. But it is my brother and sister who get all the benefit of having a mum live nearby, so I then I start to feel resentful about a situation that doesn't even exist yet! I don't HAVE to look after her when she gets old. There are two other siblings right there who could step up. I'm not responsible for everything. My mum is an adult. I have said things to her before which have not been listened to, so why keep banging on?

Anyway, thanks for listening everyone. Any wise words much appreciated.

Citalopram helps most people's anxiety. Ime it make you feel a bit woozy for the first week or so, but it's not a 'heavy' drug and doesn't interfere with other aspects of life. It's supposed to take some of the edge off your stress reactions, so you can then manage yourself as you've been taught to do.

Your self-awareness looks quite remarkable to me! I know what you mean about hoping for an exchange of care, but you've clearly got enough tools in your box to work this through successfully :)

Shift the guilt. You haven't got any more responsibilities towards your mother than you'd have to any elderly woman of your acquaintance. Parents are supposed to parent their children, not the other way around. If the children later choose to return the favour, that's up to them. You are giving her pleasures, and letting her know her kids are bothered about her: that's very nice!

For what it's worth: I conduct a good relationship with my mother because I don't want to ADD distress to her last years. However, I'll not be caring for her if/when she needs regular help. I'll find a support worker if necessary, but my input stops there.

hi everyone , hope your all ok , been lurking, reading trying to catch up .

garlicbutter...thanks so much. Proper response later. Helps so much just getting it heard, doesn't it?

Yes :) And hello droves!

another lurker here....I don't often feel strong enough to post! But am full of admiration for you all, you are a fab bunch of amazingly strong people who life has treated very badly at times.

Am feeling very low today as my mum totally forgot DD's birthday. I didn't realise till the day and have been racked with guilt - can't help feeling I should have reminded her. She only half-heartedly remembers mine but that bothers me less than this somehow. She's not got dementia or anything; she's just so self-absorbed I don't think my DC feature on her radar (though of course in her make-believe world and to her friends she is Grandmoter of the century!)

I know when she finally remembers it will be all my fault for not reminding her....but of course she doesn't need reminding about DB's children's birthdays (he is golden child). I feel so sad for DD - I brought it up and she said she'd noticed but didn't want to mention it as it would upset me.....

No need to reply....just needed to let it out....I know it's only one birthday but it's what it signifies.....I and my family just don't really matter to my parents, even though they talk as if we do if you know what I mean....

Turn it back round on her, 'What kind of GM needs reminding of her DD/GD birthdays???" repeat as required. stay calm and know you are in the right. Your feelings are justified.

Thank you herhissyness. Good strategy! She will see it as a declaration of war, as I have been trained not to ever question her. My usual answer (the one I would always have given in the past ) would be to say it's fine, no worries, DD had far too many presents anyway, to let her off the hook. But I am now incapable of telling her what she wants to hear - am almost at the stage where I need to fight back, it's just so scary as I've been conditioned not to ever stand up to her. I feel like such a wuss admitting that - thank goodness for MN! Could never say it in rl

Wow you ladies are amazing.
I've read lots of the stately homes thread and found them truly wonderful in how supportive you all are. I do feel my situation isn't that bad but there are def situations I can relate to. Something I'm struggling with at the moment is how to handle it when my 7 yr old son and 3 yr old daughter much about together. They've been curious at each others' bits in a natural way but I've gone ballistic as a kne jerk reaction. My brother 'practiced' a bit on me when I was a kid and although I doubt he's any kind of weirdo (just a horny 12 yr old who didn't control himself) it has had a massive impact on me, buti think I'm only just beginning to see how huge. This issue is raising it's head now as my kids play together. Sorry I'm rambling but I'm not sure how to handle anything at the moment. I've made a big deal out of the bath stuff with my kids. I'm angry at myself for that as I know I'm putting my shit into a situation that is innocent.
For b/g my mother has def NPD traits. My dad died 3 years ago aged only 60 and her behaviour is a lot worse since this loss. I was v close to him and miss him everyday.
Thanks for listening sorry for the rant x

no need to apologise here, kaos. And i think it IS a big deal that your brother 'practiced' on you. By 12 most kids know the difference between right and wrong, private and public, what is for play and what is off limits. You are starting or continuing to teach your kids those (maybe not exactly as you'd ideally like to, but we've all been there :)).

sorry, those boundaries, i meant to say.

Podsquash - thank you so much for responding. I've truly felt stupid about posting on here but I don't know where else this fits.... I was afraid someone would say that (12 old enough to know better...). More about me another time though.
How are you?

Kaos - it is hard and painful to admit that things weren't right, and there are times when it is definitely easier to shelve it. We have lives to lead, after all. But then it rears its head when you least expect it! I have to be vigilant now about my state of mind and care for myself.

I'm okay - spoke to a friend today, went through a few things about it with her (my own real life Stately Home person, bless her) and that felt better. She said that 1) trying to help my mum will involve finding a way of talking to her that she can hear, which is a life's work , and 2) I have to do it in a way that is okay for me. If I find myself getting too het up about it, step back. If I find myself feeling like no-one is mentioning the elephant in the room, maybe mention it, but carefully. We'll see.

I did some reading about codependence which helped a lot. I think my mum shows a lot of signs of this and I might fall into the same trap myself if I'm not careful. Love Wikipedia psychology pages.

About your brother, 12 might be old enough to know better for most kids but that doesn't mean he is evil or anything. Maybe no one taught him some of that important stuff. And regardless of whether he can be held 'responsible' in some sense, what matters is that it will have had an impact on you, and it is okay for you to talk about how it affected you without feeling silly. Whatever the extent of it, whatever his intentions, it is okay to talk about it. But hard, I know.

I'm exhausted at the moment. Trying to cope with 3 kids & some stress in my marriage and then all this stuff keeps coming to the surface. I'm desperately trying to remember details from my childhood but find that really hard. There were a few things that were "iffy" and I'm coming to terms wiry that......
My mother's narcissism is another story altogether but suffice it to say I couldn't believe my EYES when I stumbled upon these posts with examples of these behaviours in other mothers. Talk about Eureka moment. I've learned to back off and protect myself as much as possible though. I think that's the main thing I can say to you. You and your family come first. Help her at your own speed if you wish but not at the cost of your health. Blimey this stuff is hard!

kaos i can identify with a lot of your feelings if not with all the same content...I think I am experiencing similar emotions - lots of stuff from childhood resurfacing whilst I'm trying to keep everything else running along ok. It's very, very hard sometimes. I too have realised largely through MN that I have a deeply narcissistic mother, who has both never let me grow up whilst at the same time relying on me to look after her emotionally since the age of 4.

I've also remembered lots of iffy memories from very early childhood as part of this process, but find I remember then forget for a few days; my mind completely locks the door again, and try as I might I can't remember stuff or feel anything at all. Then it will all come flooding back at an inappropriate moment. It's very hard.

Have you ever had counselling? I'm having it at the moment and it really does help. My therapist thinks I've dissociated from many of my earliest sexual experiences (probably age 3-6).

It seems very normal that you feel the way you do about your DC given what happened with your brother. How are things with your brother now?

It's funny (well not funny obviously) how it seems that neglectful / selfish / narcissitic parenting helps to create an environment where abuse can occur. It's like abusers have this radar that can spot a child with no confidence who won't tell their parents as they are scared of them or won't be believed anyway.

Kaos I have a thread in the feminism topic in the women's rights section. We have had very similar experiences it sounds like. Please don't read if you feel it might trigger / upset you. I don't describe the abuse graphically or anything but all the same it is quite close to home for you I think.

Thread is titled: I'll put this here as you lot might understand...warning upsetting content.

It's funny (well not funny obviously) how it seems that neglectful / selfish / narcissitic parenting helps to create an environment where abuse can occur. It's like abusers have this radar that can spot a child with no confidence who won't tell their parents as they are scared of them or won't be believed anyway.

Manicpanic that is so true. That happened to me.

I have a question please: I have gone 'no contact' with my mother. However I have not explained the real reasons behind it, other than an argument which only touched the surface and from that point we have not spoken for several months. Does it help to actually spell out the whole truth, or is the no contact enough in itself?

My mother is a prime example of narcissistic parenting, apart from these issues with her, I was also emotionally, physically and sexually abused by two of her other children (my half-siblings) when I was a child and they were adults. Is there any point in confronting her with this now and what would it achieve for me? Would I get some peace and closure? Do I risk her reaction of: It must have been my fault, I must have encouraged it in some way, I am over-reacting, being over-sensitive, etc.etc.

My childhood was littered with 'don't tell mummy' 'don't tell mummy'.....

Anyone any experience of this situation please?

Short on time and brain power but a very quick post to say how deeply moved I am by you all.
Back later. Is it cheesy to add a 'x'? Ha. I've done it anyway. X

Hi again, do you mind if I butt in quickly here? I need to tell someone, and there isn't anybody else. I've just realised my father purposely tried to kill me - that means he probably tried at other times, too, but this one incident has just come together in my mind. After a playground accident when I was about nine, the school sent me home (by myself!) with a bump on my head that was so big I could see it by looking up; I'd been unconscious for about 15 minutes, as far as I know.

My dad came into my room to find out what had happened. I didn't know, obv, so he banged my head against the wall - hard, several times. This was masked as frustration, which is bad enough. But he was in the services; his knowledge of injuries was extensive. I think he wanted to see if it would kill me.

My mother claims to have no knowledge of the incident, even though she was standing outside my door with a cup of tea

No fucking wonder I have self-worth issues, is it?