"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

thisis - are you NC at the moment? how did she know you got the all-clear? Asking because DH on verge of NC and you're talking about what I've feared, the backlash...

mumfie - I would write a letter but I would also gather information about how to enforce NC (restraining orders, telephone number changes etc). You must, must stick to it if you decide to do it, from experience if you cave even a little it doesn't work and is actually worse than low contact because they will accuse you of cruelty/abandonment/selfishness/insert insult here*
I will be interested to see if anyone who has managed to go full NC has a view on this, it's the logistics that are tough. I'd talk more to your DCs about it too, it sounds like they have stories to tell that may give you the strength to make the break. Good luck to you xx

I was in contact at the time. there was a window of 18 months where I let them back in.

It was the stunning gaslighting from ALL of them that prompted me to go to the GP in the first place...and then the shit hit the fan...big time!

The first counselling I had I was told that there was nothing wrong with me, and that I only seemed to be upset and angry when talking about them. That certain things that had happened were not me, but them.

The reaction from all of them was collosal rage and indignation...complaints to pct, threats to call social services etc. My Nurse practitioner was a complete star. When I told her about the threats to involve SS, she said..."good, let them"

MHS were truly amazing too. I was able to speak to people on the phone on the middle of these gaslighting sessions, where I would be guided how to deal with it by dealing ONLY in facts

When I first posted on here..there was a poster called Liverpoollass who said that she thought I sounded fine, but was surrounded by nutters. She hit the nail on the head.

It was when I found out from h, that she had been in constant contact with h1, and was behind all the custody battles, that I couldn't bear to see her or speak to her ever again. Those years drove me to suicide attempts.

I then found, the following spring, correspondence from her to h, from whom I had then separated.

It totally devastated me. I went back to the gp and was referred again. I didn't have to say anything, I just showed them what witch had written in the email. That's when I got the referal for inner child therapy...and that was the turning point for me.

I have arranged for my number to not accept calls from any of their numbers, I have deleted all texts and emails, but they are branded into my memory.

Sometimes I wonder just waht it was that they wanted from me...I know that there is no answer to that.

I shall sing and dance with joy when that witch is dead. I truly will.

Bloody hell thisis.

You have been incredibly strong. To go behind your back and speak to your xh like that is unthinkable, and obviously part of her strange internal world that has engulfed your 'family'. I'm really pleased to hear MHS and your Nurse were so amazing - sounds like they understood the situation immediately. I've never even heard of inner child therapy, will have to look it up.

It feels like the problem is often the scapegoating combined with gaslighting and therefore one person is made to feel like how can their perspective be real or valid, after all no one else thinks this... so, so damaging. My MIL frequently tells DH 'it's only you' or 'it's you against all of us' which of course is just to plant that doubt. Horrendous, malicious behaviour.

Well done for going NC. I've been lurking here and trying to find out more about this and I am just amazed by the strength people have, really x

Thank you forgetmenots. I don't know quite how I have managed to get through it really. When I look back, it's almost unreal.

I remember being in John Lewis and seeing her, and skulking, Jonny English stylee to get out of the shop. It probably looked really weird, but I was terrified. :(

I always had a feeling that she was in touch with h1. Then I found that they were fb friends...and she still denied it.

My older sister mentioned that stepson from first marriage was a dad, so ds was an uncle...OOPS! How could she know that when they were not in contact?

When h1 split, she accused him of sexually assaulting her. I suspect that they did have a sexual relationship. I suspect that she made the first move.

When Princess Diana visited our town, she shagged one of the underwater search unit the night before the visit in a side room of a pub. Everyone in the pub knew what was going on.

H and have separated again recently. She heard via a third party, and instantly contacted him again. He has had the good sense to tell her that he wants nothing whatever to do with any of them.

I am aware that living in this rather rarefied rural location, despite the isolation, has had benefits in terms of health care, and mental health care. I like the idea that the universe kind of has you where you need to be. It gives you the chance to trust in something bigger....not necessarily god or anything, just that we are all a part, as well as being apart, as individuals.

It makes it easier to let go, and not be scared or panicky.

Have read all your kind and wise words, thank you, didn't want to leave things hanging, but a relative has come across this and added things up/passed info to mum. Awkward, so leaving this for now, and deleting old messages. Thanks all.

Does anyone else have days when they feel that actually it may have been your fault? Perhaps you were 'difficult' or disruptive etc.

I know logically it wasn't me, I know from my own kids difficulties that she should have thought things through, been kinder, got help etc. But I do wonder sometimes.

I've had plenty of those doubts wrt my abusive stbxh, donna, but not wrt my parents. After all, they were the adults and I was a child.

Someone else's behaviour is always their own repsonsibility, but all the more so when they are adults parents! and you are a child.

Hello. Can I please offload some crap here?

Long history of crap with my parents. Was brought up by my father and stepmother who had their own daughter when I was 9. The sun shines out of her arse and she can do no wrong (despite actually doing quite a lot of wrong!) and I can do no right. My father was violent to me on two significant occasions when I was a teenager and this was all brushed under the carpet until last year. He denies it (I have diaries from the time, but apparently I've made all that up) and says he does't know why I'm telling people this but it's not true. (It fucking is, he's a liar). We had a big argument at the start of the year in which he told me that I over exaggerate - the example he used was when my DS1 was in a terrible car accident last year in which people were badly hurt and DS spent two days in and out of hospital with suspected glass in his eyes. We were all in a mess at the time, in a state of shock for days. After several x-rays and investigations we were told that marks on his x-ray probably weren't glass as there seemed to be no entry marks on the front of his eye. My father said "it was funny after all the fuss I'd made that he walked away without a scratch on him."

I've spoken to him twice since out of politeness. He has never apologised or taken it back and acts like nothing happened. DH's father died about 7 weeks ago - my sister sent my DH a birthday card (his birthday was the day before the funeral and the day after we'd seen FIL in a chapel of rest) with a corpse on the front which upset DH a lot. When I raised it with my sister my parents called round the family doing damage control saying that she hadn't done it on purpose (they didn't phone me or DH to see how he was!) and they turned all the blame onto me - I shouldn't have sent a text, I shouldn't have sent it the day I did, etc etc, despite the fact that she responded having a dig at me at such an awful time.

I decided I would cut all contact after this. And I am so fucking annoyed with myself. I ignored all calls for a month but on Friday it got to a point where the phone kept ringing (my SM) and I was getting texts. I thought I'd just call and let them know that we would not be having any contact until things are sorted out (ie they take some responsibility, ie never.) And what happened - she acted like nothing had happened and I went along with it. Why the fuck do I do this every bloody time?! There's a huge row, then the next time they'll act like nothing happened and be all cheery and normal so that if you don't do the same you're the arsehole trying to have a fight. Why do I do it? DH is really cross with me, he thinks it's akin to a woman who keeps going back to a husband who keeps hitting her, and that's really struck a chord with me.

She invited me to my dad's birthday party, I said we wouldn't be going for obvious reasons. They're away for a week but she's going to call when she gets back to discuss coming to see us/the children. (We moved a year ago, they visited once, ten months ago, for two hours. They have't seen them in a year hardly, DS2 is just 3 and it's a third of his life - they really don't give a shit about them.) How do I deal with this, I really don't know. Am so angry with myself for calling, I feel like shit. Do I just write and tell them to end contact? Or just stop taking the calls and not cave no matter what?

Sorry for the long ramble. Am just feeling very low and utterly fucked off with myself.

I'm wondering if I need to try to get some more counselling.

Hi bint. Please don't kick yourself. We all have those moments; it's the FOG. We're too well trained in our designated role in the family dysfunction to be able to break the habit so easily. Frankly, I haven't been able to be open with my parents yet about why I am no longer calling them. I'd rather just ignore them, and I went along with my "everything's fine" act the one time they did call.

If you feel you want counselling, then definitely seek it out. It sounds like you have very specific situations you want to resolve through counselling, so it could be a very short and useful bout of it.

and btw, I also find your husband's simile very astute.

Thanks Puppy. I really wish I hadn't picked up, but I was starting to feel really rude - SM called the landline, my mobile, DH's mobile and then texted. I started to feel like it was ridiculous to not be able to answer the landline in case it was her, and I think I felt like me talking to her was me taking control. It'll all start up again in a week when they get back from their holiday.

I understand feeling rude, feeling that you "owe" it to them to do something that you feel deeply uncomfortable about...

I'm also trying to remind myself that I don't owe them a phone call, I don't owe them an explanation, and that "No" or even "I don't want to talk to you because I find it too hard" are perfectly adequate statements.

...doesn't mean it's easy to put into practice, though!

It's hard, isn't it?! I'm debating changing our numbers whilst they're away. Seems a bit extreme, and I don't really want to, but I don't know how else to deal with it?

I don't have the answer; I'm debating the same as you.

I think I will say something to them along the lines of "I don't want to talk to you because I find it too hard", and then change my e-mail and phone numbers so I don't have to deal with the outrage, guilt-tripping and recriminations.

Sorry you're in the same boat.

Might look into what's involved in changing the numbers - I wonder if it can be done before the weekend...

Sorry you're having a rough time, Bint.
Have you thought about getting a 'phone with caller display? That way, you'll know it's them and can ignore.

I started a thread on this; shamelessly reposting here:

Should, and if so how, do you contact parents to tell them you don't want contact? This is a bullet I wanted to dodge until end-November, when I'll be staying with well-loved family members who I'd like to speak to one-to-one about my feelings wrt my parents. But I'm feeling pressured to take a stand now, because my parents are trying to get in touch with me (e-mailing me and phoning), I'm ignoring their attempts at contact, and I feel like a coward, and a dick, just dodging their calls and e-mails, but I'm stuck about what to do.

Obstacle 1: Can you really contact someone to tell them you want no contact? Seems... paradoxical. And frightening!

Their phoning now is nothing sinister: they just want a chit-chat; keep up the motions of a parent-child relationship. Meanwhile, my perception of our relationship has changed: I left a violent marriage 8 months ago, and all I see now is how my parents groomed me for abuse (by modelling an abusive marriage, and by treating me with neglect, one-upmanship, and some deliberate nastiness). So now I perceive our relationship as a sham, one that makes my heart clench and my stomach churn.

Obstacle 2: I'm not sure how long I will feel this way, though. It is therefore even more tricky to handle a break, thinking ahead that there might be a time after the break when I want to be in touch again.

I understand my parents: they are wounded, misguided people who hurt me for misguided reasons of their own. A part of me does still love them. I'm not ragingly angry or bitter. I just don't. want. to interact with them.

Obstacle 3: The third thing stopping me from acting is timing: I am really afraid of losing my loved aunt and uncle , who I'll be staying with in November. I accept that their reaction to any confrontation I have with my parents is their choice. I just wanted to be able to explain my feelings to them before I go and tell my parents that I don't wish to interact with them at this time. Does that make sense?

Anyway, if there's a Stately Homer willing to talk me through my mental blocks and maybe suggest a course of action, I would be most grateful!

Hi Puppy - that sounds like i could have written it. Off to check it out...

Oh puppy this is tricky!

I'm thinking aloud here:

So you want to press the pause button until November.

You aren't sure if you want to press the stop button at all, or just hang onto the pause button.

Hmmm. Are you able to throw a quick 5 minute phone call to say hello and explain that you are and have been and will be really busy, and you'd like to have a proper conversation (that is, if you are planning on telling them about going NC - have a conversation where you can explain how you feel etc, and how you just need a bit of space while you work things through) but you want to give it the time it deserves, so you won't talk for long now?

Or, what's to stop you going NC now? Just explain that you need some space at the moment and you're not sure how long this will be?

Obstacle 3: if you are going to lose your aunt and uncle as a result of going NC, then that will most likely happen anyway, no? Although, any chance that they would actually be on your side/understand your feelings?

Sorry, don't think I'm any help. If it was me, I'd have a conversation with them, face to face, and be completely honest about how you feel hurt, need to work things through, you know it was caused by their own hurt, but that you need to work on your adult life now/for a while/whatever; that you don't intend to hurt them even though it might be a hurtful thing to hear..

But my parents, although toxic, aren't your parents.

Very helpful, teacup. Thanks!

Everything you said sounds like what I'm thinking, and I really like the "pause button/stop button" analogy!

OK so I'm stressing badly this week and I can't work out why, but I know its something to do with my family.

Over August I went to stay with my parents (they live abroad). I ended up having a massive row with Narc mother over the way she speaks to my father. She had a narc rage, shouting at me to shut up, shouting that I was a stupid girl, and eventually raised her fist to me. It was so ridiculous because she's so short and has Rheumatoid Arthritis that I was asking, "Are you going to hit me now, are you?" Two days later I initiated a talk with her, to try and clear the air. I asked her how she was feeling - "I want to run away and never come back, and it's all yourfault", "You used to be so nice, I don't like you anymore", "The devil is working through you"...I spoke to her very rationally and ended up saying that if she didn't speak to Dad in a nicer way, I would encourage him to leave her. I said this because Dad confided in me that he felt suicidal at times.

She was so furious she could barely bring herself to talk to me for the next two weeks.

During this time I started to realise that Dad has and is continuing to enable her. He would say things like, "go and say hi to your mother", or "It will take some time for her to get over this" - what, to forgive me???!!

I cried and cried for 3 and a half weeks straight. Luckily my older sister and brother were amazing, and were almost relieved that I finally saw things as they were.

For the last 5 days of my stay there, Mum was incredibly nice to me. Never been that nice in my living memory.

Anyway, the upshot for Mum and Dad is that they have started to see a marriage counsellor (although they don't think this will work, Dad is 80 and Mum is a 76 yo narc) and my sister says that Dad says Mum has calmed down a bit.

I haven't spoken to them for 6 weeks now as I've come back to the UK and been busy (this time is not unusual for me, I don't speak to them very often anyway). Since August I've felt released from my past and a new surge of confidence and self-belief.

Until this week. I've been chewing my nails to pieces, and had some strong and bizarre dreams which suggested that I'm scared that my old self will take over my new life. I feel guilty about the row with my mother and the emotional cost my father is bearing, and has borne, all his life. I am starting to feel responsible for them again.

I'm in the process of exiting with my counsellor as I was so changed after the August experience. I have two sessions left, but am starting to wonder if that's a mistake.

Any ideas why I seem to be slipping back into my old ways of self doubt and anxiety?

I didn't see your message until now, teacup. And reading it, I think you may have a lot less of problem on your hands than you fear!

How great that you had a confrontation, that it actually had some kind of effect on your parents' behaviour (starting counseling, calming down a bit, ...). I'm not surprised you feel released and stronger. Well done!

As to "slipping back": you are not going to be able to change overnight! You have been in the FOG for so long, that it is the principal way you know how to be, save for a couple short months since August. But now you know that another way of thinking is possible: you've just been there! Don't be afraid if your old habits and thoughts keep cropping up. The probably will for a long long time. The difference is that now you have awareness: you can observe the FOG for what it is. It will come, from time to time. Let it roll over you. You are strong enough to go through patches of FOG without remaining lost inside them (if my overwrought metaphor makes any sense).

So your older sister and brother see your parents as narc/enabler too? Good for you; that means you have enlightened witnesses who understand you, and with whom you can share your feelings. That must be a great support.

ps who is it that doesn't think counselling will work for your parents? The counselor, your siblings, or your parents themselves? Just curious.