"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hello all.

That's the great conundrum to me about all this quizzical-particularly now I have had children I cannot grasp at all how my Mother could do the things she did, say the things she said. It boggles my mind, and sends me back to the "nailing jelly to a wall" idea-I just can't get my head around it.

I look at my children every day in slack-jawed wonderment(is that a word?!), amazed at their beauty, their joi de vivre, the sweep of their brows, their skin, their smell, their all round gorgeousness, not to mention their stunningly lovely personalities(!)(am I getting this across-I bloody love them!!!) etc etc, and I can't see how I will ever feel differently towards them, whether they are 4 or 40.

Then I remember, I am NOT her. I DO have empathy, I DO walk in other peoples' shoes. But it IS a mystery, why she did/does those things. I have to let it go I know. And get some counselling!!!

I sympathise with the hitting yourself, quizzicalmarsupial. I have been known to slap myself when feeling full of self-hatred (although I always did it in solitude). Not even tempted to do it anymore since leaving stbxh, mind!

Well done on working on managing your wobbles. Do your DC have another supportive adult presence in their life that they can turn to, at times when you feel overwhelmed by your self-hatred in ways which might affect them?

To this statement of yours: "I am totally screwed as a person", I can only say that everyone is screwed up in their own special way. Even those who didn't have witches for mothers; something else will have marked them with their own special brand of fucked-upedness. So don't beat yourself up about it! You're self-aware, and you're working on your triggers and your reactions. That's better than most people can claim.

I only have to look at my dysfunctional inlaws to see how not to behave as people, let alone parents. They'd make a few years work for the most reasonable of clinical therapists. However, they would be as likely to want to receive any therapy as me going to planet Jupiter, in other words it won't happen.

Hope Mrs R does post on this thread eventually.

Hope Mrs R does post on this thread eventually.

Seconded!

Would like to have your informed take on this:-

DH and I are discussing narc BIL in the light of his recent shitty behaviour displayed towards DH (i.e putting the phone down on him, him walking away from DH at parents recent celebration when DH walked over to say hello).

DH said to me that I was alright because he (my BIL) would talk to me!. He bless his heart doesn't get it does he?. I responded to the effect that why the hell would I want to say anything to him anyway, my primary loyalty is to you (that point again!) and quite apart from anything else he is dead to me!!. That made DH quiet.

DH has certainly come from one screwed up family. If I were him I would have cut them all off years ago, he does remain loyal to his mother (my own take on loyalty with regards to them is that if you want loyalty you get yourself a cocker spaniel!).

Anyone know what became of Smithfield?. She is a poster whose name I have not seen here for a long time. I hope she's ok.

My take on it Attila is that your DH is used to being walked on by his family, and is not questioning it yet. Is that the case? Do you want him to stand up to his family more?

I'm working my way through the posts in this thread - I posted today about my MIL ('MIL hell...') and Attilla on that thread suggested Narcissistic Personality Disorder - she looks like an extreme but textbook case of this so perhaps I should have posted here. I'm at the amount of people who have had these awful experiences and like i said on the other thread, I didn't understand this until I met DH and ILs.

Some of the quotes you're mentioning could be lifted straight out of my MIL's mouth - hers isn't stately homes, but it's 'but we did everything for you' (er, he was a baby, you're supposed to do that) and 'I have given my life to my children, they should now give their lives for me'. payback time. Used to find 'The Sopranos' an uncomfortable watch as the mother character in that was unbelievably close to the knuckle. I'm NC with them, DH low contact at the moment...

I will keep reading through the thread, but wanted to applaud you ladies hugely - people do not understand until they meet these people head on, and even then they don't want to believe it as our society sets up such a lot of assumptions about parents. Stay strong (and I will likely be back for advice/rant!)

I'm so sad for your loss, Mumfie

You articulate that what you need is no contact with your parents. If that is what you need, go for it.

I hope the Bereavement board will help you with your sense of regret. It sounds like such a dreadful pain to carry. It was your mother's doing though, not yours, that your brother was told lies about you. You could not have controlled your mother's words, or your brother's beliefs.

Mumfie...I am so sorry.

The damage these people do is indeed incalculable.

Mumfie

((((mumfie)))))

Am very sorry also to read of your loss. It is not your fault this happened, you are not to blame in any way. Your late brother and you had and still have a bond that your toxic mother could not ultimately break even though she tried to.

If you want to go NC with them then do so. Toxic parents are more than inclined to pass on all their rubbish to the next generation.

There is no timetable for grief and you need to grieve in your own time and way.

Oh, Mumfie, how incredibly sad. I'm very sorry for your loss and for your brother. No wonder you feel enraged at your mother - I do, and I've never met her!

I can't help wondering what, exactly, you'd be depriving your DCs of ...?

Mumfie

You may well want to contact SOBS (Survivors of Bereavement by suicide). They are UK based and they may well help you with your feelings too.

Link is below:-

www.uk-sobs.org.uk/other_agencies.htm

Wishing you all the very best

A x

Mumfie - I have just cried for you, that is horrific. It is not you, it is her. NC please, for your own sake. Your mother cannot take away what you and your brother had.

Hi Itsmeandmypuppynow,

re your comment:-

"My take on it Attila is that your DH is used to being walked on by his family, and is not questioning it yet. Is that the case? Do you want him to stand up to his family more?"

Thanks puppy.

Re question 1 I think he's starting to realise but is not wanting to fully acknowledge it all yet particularly with regards to his mother to whom he remains v loyal (his Dad and he have no real relationship to speak of, think Mum made him believe she did everything whilst her useless H did nothing).

She's fits the martyr personality profile to a tee.

Re question 2 I would like him to stand up to them more but you know as well as I do this is a long and drawn out process. At least he now challenges his mother and tries to get her to take more action. DH has got out relatively unscathed from his family. Although I do wince inwardly at his continued loyalty he has been conditioned to do so.

Mumfie - sorry for your loss and glad you are here.

Nothing like your grief or situation,but I have lost the siblings who went through the abuse with me.Sadly ,my younger brothers are alive and well and live in the very pockets of my parents.Neither of them will have any contact with me ,despite my having written letters and cards.

Throughout our childhoods,we whispered together and stuck up for one another. We agreed we were very close and would always be there for each other.When I left home,age 17,they stayed with me often and continued to do so until my youngest brother married 7 years ago.

Up until this time,although they were by then on good terms with our parents,they readily initiated discussion about our childhood experiences.They would say they regretted that they were younger and smaller than me and couldn't keep me safe at the time.They were often hit and kicked by our mother,but our father had and has a great relationship with them.

That's as long as they remain in denial about the emotional abuse.
Only since my experience of xp,have I truly recognised the extent to which our entire family dynamic is abusive. Virtually all interaction,is unkind,disrespectful,sarcastic,sneering,condescending,intrusive, aggressive and undermining.Everyone hates women,this is overt.

The biggest single revelation to me was finding the definition - and name- for "Gaslighting". To me,this was utterly normal.My family don't know any other "truth".
Since I began to call my p's on their behaviour,my B's have stopped all contact with me,calling me mentally ill and a liar.
bOTHER,JUST NOTICED THE TIME AND HAVE TO COLLECT DD..SORRY WILL B BACK LLATER

attilla - Apologies - I didn't realise you were going through this with your DH too. your advice to me was hugely helpful, it is a horrendous situation to be in. The loyalty thing is bang on. Bless your DH, he sounds like mine (doesn't get it at times and says things that make me go )
Still catching up on all of this but had to stop and give love to Mumfie, we think these problems are small or insignificant but that proves how damaging they are. x

Hi forgetmenots

There was no need to apologise honestly!:). Been going though this for a long time now, narcissist BIL hasn't spoken to us for at least 4 years now and that suits us just fine tbh.

Re your comment on DH:-

"doesn't get it at times and says things that make me go "

That made me smile wryly. Indeed, my DH is very much like that too on occasion bless his cotton socks.

Oh Mumfie, I am so sorry. God try not to ask those kind of "what ifs". It must be like a whole new torment. I can't believe the damage some people do. Thinking of you. MN really ought to do a hug emoticon xx

Mumfie, I'm scrolling back trying to find more of your story but I can't find it, do you have a DH/DP? I ask because it's my DH who has the toxic mother and he says things like he doesn't want to be harsh or cruel (partly because then he thinks he would be as bad as her). But the damage it does is massive and there is nothing cruel in stopping someone abusing you. But only you can decide that. It doesn't sound that the DC want to see your mother - and that things are coming to light you didn't know about? I understand perhaps you want to believe she can be a good grandmother - that you think everyone deserves a second chance, that is because you are a nice human being, but I'd say NC all the way (and it sounds like your DCs agree). I'm NC with my ILs, but DH still low contact, so I sympathise that it is much, much harder when it is your own parents. be gentle with yourself xx

Gaslighting is the norm in my "family" too.

This stuff DOES get passed on to the next generation, if not stopped. That is the best reason in the world to go NC.

Witch started on all her grandchildren..my ds is "autistic" or "brain damaged". My dd is cold and unaffectionate, and "trouble". My poor neice, is "adhd", dyslexic, difficult, disruptive, violent. Her name is Jessica, her stapfather calls her Stressica, it's hilarious....NOT!

With every day that I am NC, the more disgusting, disrespectful, cruel, and frankly bizarre, their behaviour is to me.

When I got the all clear WRT my mental health, witch rang the pct to complain that they'd been bewitched by my special powers. And she thinks I'm insane! She thinks that I should be "stopped"..."when is someone going to DO something about thisis!!"

Now what kind of parent would let that loose on their kids?