"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I can't answer you better than Pumpkin has, teacup, especially the part about the FOG rolling over you (don't if you saw my recent wobble, but it was big and I came out of it with another jigsaw piece in place!)

Just sending a friendly hand-squeeze :)

Hi! Thanks for your responses, I wrote one and now have lost it. Argh!

My Dad thinks counselling won't work. When I left he was saying that it was his last chance at the marriage and that he and she both needed to hear it from an independent 3rd party.

I thought once out of the fog, out of the fog forever! I guess it comes in waves.

I am incredibly lucky to have the older brother and sister I have. They are about ten years older and essentially parented me as best they could, although they both left before I was ten. They'd given up on Mum and Dad in their teens. They have seen it all for years, I guess just waiting for me to catch up! They were so supportive, letting me cry and talk it through, telling me that I didn't deserve a shitty childhood (or adulthood), and hoped that I felt free to go and enjoy my life, and finally meet a great man.

garlic I didn't see your recent wobble! How did it come about and how did you get out of it?

Pumpkin how do you let the fog roll over you? Do I fight it or just accept that it will pass? Will it pass?

Accept the crappy feelings that come with the FOG. Try to observe it rather than being fully in it, if that makes sense. Name it. Recognise that you are feeling that way because you are flashing back to the distortion of emotions of your childhood. Allow yourself your feelings, but tell yourself that you are now stronger than them. Comfort yourself.

Pete Walker has good tips.

And yes it will pass.

My sister is older than me too, and I realise now that she gave me the kind of unconditional love that ideally would have come from my parents. Poor her -- who was there to give her unconditional love and nurture? She is far more self-sabotaging than me now, and although she respects my feelings, I also see her adopting some of the "wanting everything to be smoothed over" behaviour of my denial-led Dad.

:) I was wobbling about my ex-marriage - whether it was all my fault, he wasn't "that bad", I provoked him, whether I had a right to be angry. I was a wobbling trifle of self-doubt. I posted on the EA thread, and was supported to use it as a breakthrough experience. (Unfortunately, breakthroughs are rarely achieved in one superb bound; they're more like a hike over rough terrain. Some lovely posters showed me the footholds when I was stuck on a cliff!)

How do you let the fog roll over you? Since I seem to be thrashing the sporting metaphors today: you ran a marathon, iirc? Remember the marker points where you knew you'd start hurting; knew you'd feel too exhausted to continue; knew your chest would explode? And you knew it would happen, knew you could deal with it, and knew you would finish?
Like that, more or less!

X-posted with Pumpkin's vv good advice.

oh garlic I relate to the idea that breakthroughs are rarely achieved in one superb bound, more like a hike over rough terrain. I think that's exactly what I'm experiencing. Thought I'd hit the summit, but then there was another hill..

Puppy Glad to hear you had someone looking out for you too. I feel the same way about my brother and sister - who cared for them? Interestingly both of them are superhigh achievers in their own way, I think to make up for not receiving enough love and acceptance. My sister is loud and ultracompetitive, and although my brother is quiet, he definitely likes to be the best in his field as well. Luckily they are both into very different things

I think I was genuinely terrified this week that I'd lose all the ground I'd gained. I think this panicked me more than any feelings of inadequacy - the fear of those feelings flooding in.

But you both think this is not a permanent setback, which is good. However, I am still scared to relax and let myself observe the feelings, because I am scared that they will overtake me. My emotional knuckles are white with hanging on in case they do!

But I know you've both been there and you both say that it will pass..so I'll keep working and trusting that it will get better.

Write 'em, post 'em here, draw them, sing them, act them, play them ... however you express yourself! We all know the monsters aren't so scary when you shine a light on them and take a good look :)

(Except when they're the dust-monsters under my bed!!!)

That Pete Walker site about flashbacks is really helpful! My crazy dreams combined with insomnia this week made me realise that there are things I haven't yet dealt with, like having a new life, and facing the uncertainty of knowing how strong I really am now. I didn't realise that flashbacks existed for people in my situation.

I like the line about being an adult now, with resources and allies you didn't have as a child. Part of this is the recognition that I am NOT incapable or destined for failure.

Oh wow, I am not destined for failure! Just realised this

Oh wow, I am not destined for failure! Just realised this :)

Gosh, me too! Upon reading your post!
THANKS!!!

Random musing post from me.

I realised last week that, although the past year has been the most horrible I've ever know, it has forced changes in my life that are now making it possibly the best it's ever been.

miscarriage

• realising that stbxh is abusive
• realising that my parents are abusive, to each other and to me = complete fucking meltdown.

Yet,

meltdown
= clarity, which eventually becomes less painful and just something to be accepted

• forcing myself to socialise and do fun things at a pace I never have before. It's getting easier to do (I don't panic about contacting friends anymore), and my word is it enjoyable!

So all the posters who say "It gets better" -- gosh darn it, they are right!

...and apparently it's going to continue to get better, since the bit of the mood gym (free on-line CBT workbook) I was doing last night showed me that, even though I'm having the most fun I've ever had at the moment, I am still only on the lowest bound for people my age. WTF? I can have even more joy in my life? Damn, my expectations have been low!

love your post!

But wow Pumpkin I didn't realise how much you've been through in just one year! You've gone through an awful lot and you always sound so wise and calm (well except maybe for the end of your post )

Thanks teacup. Having been raised by the parents I have, I think I have a very high tolerance for pain. I think that's true of all the people on this thread: we are used to carrying emotional burdens and to keep soldiering on despite it. My miscarriage was very traumatic, physically and emotionally, and I think that because of that I just couldn't bear any more pain, which is why it precipitated my split from stbxh: even I wasn't able to tolerate his abuse anymore. My pain tolerance was maxed out.

The discovery about my parents shortly afterwards came as a surprise: I needed stability more than ever, and now my whole life was pulled out from under me; not just the 12 years of my relationship with stbxh. I've been plunged into depression since, and if I sound "wise and calm" then that gives me hope: it confirms that there is a solid bedrock inside me that will see me through this shit, and that I can build a new life on now.

Something's had to give while I focus all my energy on rebuilding myself, and it's my job. I love my job, and I have a very understanding boss. But I have been doing very little work during work hours, and a lot of mning and reading self-help stuff on abuse, assertiveness, CBT, and so on. I'm now at the stage where I feel I can let up the work on myself a bit, and focus on my paid job instead. I'm so happy about it: every week I'm a bit less of a wreck than I was the day before.

...but my god, the backlog of real-life responsibilities that has piled up while I was focusing on my psyche is huge and daunting...

Sorry i havent read most of the thread but i really need to post.

Sat here in tears again because of my Fucking Dad gerr why do i let him do this to me?

We are ment to go down to see them this weekend to give sister some old baby clothes but i will be 33 weeks pg.

Today i'm ill and called my mum to see if i could go over tonight and tomoro so they can look after son (they babysit for everyone but me as i'm not there) and my DH is off tomoro and Thursday. My dad grabed the phone off my mum and stouted down the phone at me, was very angry and abusive. He didn't wait for me to say anything so i told my mum we will not be going there again with that atturdued.

How dear he treat me like shit with no respect what so ever. There is ways of saying things and that was not on. Its not as if they had a reason why i couldn't go, just he didn't want us there.

I told my mum i will not be going again as i'm haevily pg and that there is not enough room for the four of us there and we can't afford to stay in a hotel.

I'm angry He talked to me like that but i'm not upset about never seeing them again.

Fuck them their lose not mine.

In a normal family the gp would love to spend time with the DGS they haven't seen in 3/4 months but no not them. It just makes me so angry sometimes.

Pumpkin - you sound like you're on the up and I'm really happy for you. Sometimes, as totally fucked up as these realisations are at the time, it becomes apparent later with hindsight that these crises are a good thing, that a breakdown in your reality and what you thought was true can lead to a rebuilding of your life based on things that are more honest and real.

Cheeptrick - sorry your dad's behaving like that, is that fairly typical behaviour?

(And I can relate to the GPs not wanting to spend time with the grandchildren - mine have seen ours once in a year - we live 90 mins away. They have however, visited my brother on the other side of the world twice, another trip pending and have been on holiday at least four times. But not a spare half hour to see my kids. Nice.)

(And I can relate to the GPs not wanting to spend time with the grandchildren - mine have seen ours once in a year - we live 90 mins away. They have however, visited my brother on the other side of the world twice, another trip pending and have been on holiday at least four times. But not a spare half hour to see my kids. Nice.)

Hi bintofbohemia

Yes its typical behaviour. My other nn is snowdropfairy if you want to read the back ground.

Things had been good for a bit but now they have returned to their stupid abusiveness.

I guess i'm just hormal today and i let it get to me. I keep giving them a chance to be normal and they just never do the normal thing

I just have to remind myself that they are dysfunctional and they will not change but i can.

Actually i am on week 4 of a nurtaring parenting course and its suprising how well i know what not to do and the out come of a dysfuntional and abusive family.

The others on the course are shocked by my comments and do not understand how a mother and father or any adult can treat a child so bad but for me it was just normal/ just how it was.

Relearning the normal way is hard but at least i know that i'm doing most of it and learning the rest.

The problem with my exfamily is that they never learned how the treat their children is wrong even when i have told them, they just deniy it.

Cheeptrick,

Sorry to read what your Dad said. Would ask if this is the latest in a long line of such behaviours shown towards you. Sounds like your Dad rules the roost within that particular household and your mother goes along with it in the bystander role.

I can also relate to uninterested parents because both mine are pretty much hands off now (and always have been. They, particularly my Mum, show favourtism towards my younger sibling). They live a lot closer as well. Visits to the Meerkat house by them are few and far between and they usually call when they want something. My relationship with them is very much on a superficial level these days. Neither they or the outlaws would be candidates for grandparents of the year.

I was trusted, well actually left, to get on with it from the age of about 14. Thankfully I had good role models in teachers, some of my friends and my grandmother. Both my parents and ILs have taught me some valuable lessons -how not to behave being just one.

I'm just shocked again - i would not let a member of the public or anyone talk to me like that but the fact that this man thinks its ok to talk to his daughter like that is just shocking to me now.

Maybe that is a good thing and it shows how much i have learned and that the distance and boundaries are working

I remember you from before Snowdrop - reading about your disordered and dysfunctional parents made my hair stand on end. Basically they are two very damaged people who hooked up with each other and caused others i.e you and your siblings more misery.

Maintain your boundaries - do not contact your parents in any way shape or form. You as you rightly state would not tolerate this from a member of the public, your parents are just the same in that regard. They failed you and continue to fail you abjectly.

Thank you for the support

I feel the same way as if i was in work and had a horrible customer call - unpleasent but it does not affect the rest of my day or my life.

Part of me feels sad that it has to be that way and then the grown up part of me knows that this is the way it needs to be to protect myself and my children.

I think there will always be a part of the little girl who wants a normal mum and dad in me and i will never fully come to terms with it all.

But i'm proud of myself for making progress to be a normal mum for my children (i just priased myself and its scary but i'm learning to do this so my son can and have self esteem and confidence in him self - lead by example )

I cant control what they do but i can control my reaction to it.

Onwards and upwards as ever

"I think there will always be a part of the little girl who wants a normal mum and dad in me and i will never fully come to terms with it all."

God yes. It's hard. But you really sound like you've got your head around it.