"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hello Meerkat.

I am in a similar position as you.
NC for seven years, with a truly horrendous 18 month lapse at the end of '08.

I have all their numbers blocked, all blocked on FB, and if I needed to move...I would.

Is there anywhere else YOU have always fancied living? Maybe now is the time?

Gosh seven years! How time flies when you're having fun.

quizzicalmeerkat thank you for your post. I'm a first time poster on this thread, found it about a month ago and even the title called out to me, this is where I belong. You really hit a nerve with me, I have had very little contact with my parents for the past few years, didn't even see them at xmas BUT I am now pregnant with my first baby(due in 8 days) and I'm not sure what happens next, can I really never let them meet their grandson? you seem to have done this and it feels like fate that that you posted tonight. Am just off the phone with my brother having discussed what I should do re birth announcement. My DH and I were going to tell them a week or two after the birth to ensure they don't just show up at the hospital but my brother didn't agree with this even though he feels the exact same as me about them. He feels we should tell them when we tell everyone but be clear that we don't want them visiting. It's a dilemma for me because even though I rarely talk to them I don't think it's time to start a fight/start expaining my lack of contact(thought they definately know why), it's a special time in my life and I don't want to be stressed about my parents onto top of a new baby and all the changes he will bring. My therapist advises not taking on a fight at this stage too. I HATE playing the dutiful daughter game and sharing my joy with them but maybe it will be worth it to bide myself some time? I can 'officially' cut them out at a later stage. The idea of my parents meeting/holding my DS fills me with dread, my mother was extremely physically abusive to me-getting me a corner and kicking me til she had no energy left etc etc I'm not talking about sometimes I mean daily she is controlling, NPD, emotionally and verbally abusive, has a religious mania like no other- the works. The only way I can comprehend her actions are that she must be insane because if she isn't she is evil. My father backs her up all the time and even denies that she mistreated us (I'm one of 8 children) even going as far as to claim I'm/we're making everything up. My father was no angel either but was more reasonable/humane than my mother even though I have unexplored (as yet)memories about him touching us inappropriately.He certainly hit us frequently and was frightening when he lost his temper. They try to manipulate us all by using fear, obligation and guilt. 3 siblings are young (17, 19 and 21) and still live at home and another 3 visit regularly even though they share the same experience as me, I think they are too afraid to break ties. It's only me and one brother who never/rarely go home. It occured to me last week that if I do refuse to let them meet the baby could they seek visitation rights as grandparents? My therapist is excellent, second highest grade in the country and has told me he'd testify for me if it ever did go to court. I'm so nervous about this being a possiblilty that I haven't even looked into whether it's even a possibilty in this country (Ireland). I guess I'm still afraid of them and even though I know I'm right, they got away with it for so long that I'm afraid I wouldn't be believed. Also my mother is a doctor (unbelievable I know! she gave up about 15 years ago tho) and father has an equally 'good' job so I suppose they appear to be decent citizens, front row at mass on a Sunday etc.
Sorry if this a rambling mess, it's taken me til now to post because it's so hard to put thoughts and 30 years of my life down in a post .If anyone has experience of cutting parents out of their lives to the point of them not meeting your children I'd love to hear from you. Thanks for reading!

I have no experience of cutting parents out to that extent, but I did want to say that as the youngest of 5, I am incredibly grateful that my older siblings have cut all emotional ties (they haven't cut communication, they go along with it minimally). I'm only just dealing with this mess and its impact on me now and it's helped that my elder siblings have been through it, validated my response IYKWIM?

Your parents' behaviour is in no way acceptable. And the fear that you wouldn't be believed is a scar from your upbringing. There are enough people with enough professional experience of abuse to be able to see through the "good" image that your parents portray. You have excellent support in your therapist, even if it did come to going to court.

I guess the timing of you cutting them out would depend on how likely they would be to visit/interfere/stress you out?

Thanks for your prompt replies. I am afraid they would just show up even though I live 2 hours away.My brother thinks it's unlikely as I have such limited contact with them that they know they wouldn't be welcome but when has that stopped them doing anything before? you're right quizicalmeerkat they are boundary tramplers. It just seems like such a massive step as i'll be the first of the children to do such a thing. Some of my siblings are still seeking approval from my parents etc. I will definately be parking my car at the back of the house and keeping the front gates closed. My Dh suggested a lock for the front gates but I want some visitors!! If they did show up I suppose I would call the police, I hope I would have the strenght to, it would be a huge step and it does worry me. Although I haven't much contact with them I haven't really confronted them rather I just ignore their phone calls and call them sporadically. To call the police would be a massive big deal and I don't know that my brothers or sisters would back me up on it, they would think it was overly dramatic. Oh dear I don't really know what I would do.
yellowteacup The thing about meeting them is that I generally meet them in restaurant or some other neutral environment and my DH is with me so they behave but I don't enjoy it and rarely say much. My father and DH talk about sport and my mother rambles on about rubbish, asking questions but not even waiting for a reply. So not that stressful but why bother? I don't want them to have any influence over my children and would never leave them alone with them. Why pretend things are ok when they are not? Dh would say why not meet them once a year for 30 mins get it over with and avoid a confrontation, I get his point of view but I'm livid over how I was treated and how they think it's ok and think I'd like to make a bigger deal out of it. However in the 2 times that Ive spoken to my mother over the phone during pregnancy she has really upset me, everything I do is wrong and she has had me in tears.
quizical I'm very lucky that my MIL is the nicest, most motherly woman in the world and she lives 2 mins away so I feel I can lean on her for the next few weeks. Also I've lived in this village for 4 years and know loads of girls my age with children who will be calling in, some are as close to me as my sisters are. Hopefully this won't spiral out of control, I'm in a good place right now and have good support but I have a big fear that this could trigger something in me and lead to some kind of breakdown. The only thing is Ive had a breakdown before and I now know where to get help and also Ive been with this therapist 2 years now so have build up a good relationship with him. I suppose I have to go through different scenarios and make a decision now as to what I would do if those situations arose.

ps sorry quizical but I never replied to your questions in your original post. I'm afraid I don't have any advice as to how to deal with the cards but my own mother sometimes writes letters to me Jane Austen style ie Darling recklesspixie, the weather is beautiful here today thank God , hope you are keeping well etc etc wtf? this is from a woman who beat the shit out of me everyday of my childhood. They do annoy me but I read them aloud to DH and we laugh at how out of touch with reality she is. Sorry I know that's of no help to you but I can see how is could really aggrevate you, after all she's done to you she's trying to play the 'see I'm a good mother/grandmother game' by remembering special occasions. You are right not to even open them. Don't move house, it's your home, don't let her take that from you too- though I do know what you mean about considering it fleetingly!

Hello, Stately Homers!

I am seriously considering not going to my parents' for Christmas this year, as the thought makes me feel upset and nauseous. I may be steeling myself for a confrontation in November, which will propel all hell breaking loose and ties being cut. Because you don't go telling narc Mom she's ever done anything wrong, ever, dont'cha know...

So, I am canvassing for opinions: What should (my puppy and) I do for Christmas on our lonesome?

• A long country walk, then Chinese take-away and a good film?
• Volunteering in a soup kitchen?
• In bed in a fetal curl sobbing?
• Making gifts for, writing cards for, phoning and thinking of loved ones who return the favour?
• Doing something that's a gift for myself? (but what?)

This may have to become a permanent tradition, so it needs to be good!

I wrote a letter to my estranged parents last week; and posted it

I've been estranged from them for nearly two years - since they chose to support my exH during our (very messy) separation and divorce.

Recently, I have been prepared to have superficial contact with them, which they have refused until the 'grievance I have with them is resolved'. They pursued this several times - so I sat down over several days/nights and wrote down why I did not want to have meaningful contact with them.

It helped me realise that my issue is not with them supporting my ex; it is because they are judgemental and critical of me as a mother. Even very recently, my suggestion that I take DD to visit my grandmother was rebuffed because 'they didn't think it was the right thing for DD'. As if she needed protecting from my poor judgement and lousy decision making.

So I told them - giving them examples from the last two years of how they had repeatedly expressed their negative opinion of my parenting abilities.

So, what now? I'm waiting to see if they'll reply, if so, what they will say, and how that will make me feel

Notadisneymum - that was very brave of you to send the letter and its an oppertunity for them to open communication with you and resolve the situation. Just dont be too disappointed if their reply is not what you want.

I found writting the letter helped me understand why i didn't like my exfamily. I did cut them out of my life for a few months untill i sorted out how i felt and the boundries i could live with. So far its working and they have stuck to my rules and in return i have been resonable with them. They get to see their grandson but its on my terms. I feel a lot stronger dealing with them now than i ever have done - it feels good

I still dont forgive them the way they acted and what they did but i can move on from it. Knowing that i'm a better person and that my children will never have to put up with that is a good start.

There is no hope for my exbrother and sister but i'm not sad about it as its not a big lose to me.

Meandmypuppy - I would have a nice ley in, then a nice breakfast, take puppy for a walk, cook a nice meal and drink wine and watch a film all cosy on the sofa, have a nice warm bubble bath and start a new book and let puppy sleep on your bed for the night - my idea of heaven

This year we are staying at home and DC2 is due on the 5/12 so we will have a nearly 3 yo and a newborn and its going to be our first xmas as a family - me, DH and our children only

I spend most Christmases on my own these days - my sister always invites me, and sometimes I go, but it gets on my nerves. I often go on Boxing Day instead. I cook whatever I really fancy for my dinner - had roast beef last year - and Christmas pud, mince pies, lots of little treat-type things of my own craving, and gallons of nice wine. I watch masses of TV, stagger out into the garden if anybody's doing fireworks and am usually passed out snuggled up in bed by about 10pm. I love it!

The clue is in the selfishness Women, in particular, are conditioned to "giving" Christmas to others. The second you switch your mindset to making it All About Me, you're set for a lovely day of self-comforting!

Hi Itsmeandmypuppynow,

re your Christmas suggestions I'd plump for these ones:-

"A long country walk, then Chinese take-away and a good film",
"volunteering in a soup kitchen" and "Making gifts for, writing cards for, phoning and thinking of loved ones who return the favour"

Certainly NOT lying in bed sobbing. No, no and thrice no!!!.

Going away for a few days over the Christmas holidays would be my suggestion; go somewhere in the UK or overseas that you've never visited. I've been to the Christmas market in Brussels and that's really nice.

You owe your NPD mother nothing. Let her cut ties (this is what BIL did with us); you'll be happier without her malign prescence in it. I certainly am happier without my narc BIL being a part of my life; he is dead to me.

Am going to Florida this Christmas, he and my outlaws can all sod off:).

I am starting counselling today. I am feeling very nervous as the counselling is through the same place as where my mum works, and they've had to bring someone in from a different area to do mine.

A catch up:

Garlic...your christmas sounds ace!

Quizzical...dd and I, and even some passing interest from ds, yesterday updated our dolls. We draw who we want, including ourselves, cut them out and stick them on loo paper middles, so we can then act out scenarios. The dc's had grown so much, that their old ones had become funny.

I did one of the witch. It's so cathartic! She was green, obviously...all that jealousy and envy, she has a wart on the side of her nose in real life, which is very witchy. DD and I have princesses who protect us, mine is Bluebell, and dd's is Rosepetal...they have ENORMOUS skirts, and even bigger powers! Witch flies away at the brightness of their goodness and beauty. We spend a considerable amount of time on these!

Interestingly, h didn't have a new doll made yesterday.

We also make "lands" for them to play in, in the form of scenery, which we colour in. It's terribly therapuetic, and sometimes surprising things come out of it!

Reckless....what did you do? My witch never met dd until I foolishly let her back. She never spelt her name right. Hmm.

I didn't realise how many horrible, horrible mothers there are around. I guess you think yours is the only one.
I don't hate mine, I don't feel anything anymore, which I think is either bottling it up or worse than feeling hatred because at least it's an emotion.
I was going to write something about the way she has treated me, and her clever and wonderfully divisive methods, but not sure I'm ready yet.

Take your time, Dawndonna.

This thread is an excellent place to vent and receive validation or advice, whenever you're ready.

Are you getting any RL support?

thisis that sounds so creative and fun! (as well as being useful, obviously. But it's the creativity of it all that I find most exciting. As a means of sorting things out in one's mind, it beats my endless ramblings on MN!)

grownup how wonderful that you will be getting counselling, and that the organisaiton is switched on enough to bring in an outside person. You deserve it, and well done them.

Attilla and garlic thanks for your Christmas suggestions/endorsement!

Cheaptrick I'd be very interested to hear how you presented your new rules to your family, once you had worked out what it was you needed from them.

NotaDisneyMum it's brilliant that you were able to get to the bottom of what you find upsetting from your family, and present it factually with examples. It sounds like you have done everything just right: stating the behaviour, and defining how it is upsetting to you. I am very impressed as I have not got to that stage yet (the open confrontation bit). However they reply, even if it's not by replying at all, will surely stir up a lot of emotions in you, but I am convinced that you will be able to handle it. Good luck!

I'm a wuss i called my mum and told her that we would not be coming to see them if the dog was in the house. So basicly give dog to my sister for 24 hours or never see your grandchildren again.

The first time she said i will see what i can do - So i left it up to her and we didn't go see her or call her up for 6 months. When she relised i was serious she said ok.

so this year we have seen then twice. We get there at9pm at night on a Friday, son see's them for an hour and we go to bed. Then we get up at 8am and have breakfast with them and we are packed about out the door by 1pm.

I have agreed with my DH that at anytime they kick off we are out the door. If i dont like where the conversation is going i change it, if that dont work i say "My son does not need to hear that, should we leave now?".

It helps if they know you are serious about going no contact. When they call i have them on speaker phone as they are less likely to try stuff on if my DH can hear.

I went thru all the emotions of guilt, denial, anger and self doubt but in the end my family is more important to me than they are and i needed to protect my son. It makes me feel stronger knowing that i'm now in control and i choose what i will or will not put up with.

Its very empowering

I'm not the little girl punchbag anymore i'm a human being with rights.

You call that being a wuss????

Not me!

My youngest sister is begining to take over as Mother's henchperson. So, I got the opportunity to put her right a few days ago. Texting everyone that she is booking a resteraunt to celebrate my DD1 going to university. Without consulting me. It is also my birthday (which is by the by). So, had a rave about it and calmly texted her to say that there would be no resteraunt needed as we were organising stuff. end of.

A determined effort on all fronts to start whuppin people into line and if they don't like it...meh!

Oh, they won't like it!

Nobody in a dysfunctional system likes to have the system upset by the one cog who dares jump out. None of us will be thanked for trying to break dysfunctional patterns! We'll have angry attempts to stuff us back in our designated place, more like. Should be interesting...

there has been a dark silence since then. mmmmm

That is so true. My witch has been at it for YEARS.

That was the one "good" thing about the eighteen months she was back. I found out an awful lot of truths. They couldn't all keep to the same story could they? So many things that didn't add up. And then finding the secret emails from witch to h. Telling him how evil I am blah blah blah.

The first thing witch did when she heard we'd separated again was to contact him. She had clearly kept his number. I sometimes wonder what it is exactly she wants from me. But I think that it is just that...to put me back in my place in her "system".

She is very, very dangerous.

I feel so alone now. There is no one left. I must be strong and sane for my babies. I must teach them a different way of being.