"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Lola sorry to hear you had a horrendous day yesterday. How are you feeling today?

Or other people saying, it wasn't that bad, or how a hero she was and what an ungrateful sod I am. I don't need it made nicer or more palatable

I don't know who you are referring to as she, but you know full well the pain that she has caused you.

Not only do you have every right to acknowledge that it wasn't right and she DID do wrong, but you should acknowledge it.

And you have every right to be angry with anyone who suggests otherwise.

Lola your post was so eloquent and so sad. I really hope today's been a better day for you.

Puppy I read the pages you linked to. Thank you. I've been feeling really crap and stupid for marrying and having children with an abusive man. I am worried that I'm damaged, and that I created the situation myself. So it's nice to have another theory to mull over.

Teacup and Puppy I never rebelled as a teen either (nor did any of my siblings). I'm a bit worried that I might rebel at my age which would be ridiculous (plus I have family responsibilities etc.) It sounds like it's a necessary phase. Does anyone have any ideas how to go through that phase in a controlled manner?

My dad does have cancer so I've been talking to him a fair bit. I can't see any other way, tbh. But trying not to get too enmeshed.

thank you all, you kind fairy's of understanding. I am feeling much improved.

Mother is engaged in one of her furious undermining exercises with my eldest. I pulled her on it, asked her very directly what the fuck she was doing. Eldest off to university. Mother promptly goes out and buys all linen and towels, despite it all being here. Has done this for every occasion, starting school, first communion, etc. and so on. She claimed foggy understanding of situ. Asked her to ring me in future if she felt so compelled to "help" and check what the actual situation was before assuming anything. Felt very good after that. It didn't descend into a bitch slap and she had the courtesy to shut up and say nothing. She was busted being interfering. So that was good.

Am reading Healing the Emotional Self. I am finding it hard reading. I see so many elements of myself in it that it is hard to take it all in. Is it possible to undo the damage to some extent?

ThereGoesTheFear I never rebelled as a teen either ... Does anyone have any ideas how to go through that phase in a controlled manner?

I'm doing it with therapy: expressing how I feel and having it validated. I am also writing a letter to each parent, which I may or may not send, in which I put them in their place (clearly stating what they are responsible for, and how it affected me). I know that I will eventually lessen my contact with them, and learn how to set boundaries with them. I already feel emotionally detached from the things they do and say, and therapy helped with that. So far, I'd say it's been pretty controlled. (save for the day I smashed crockery against my garden wall saying "How could you?!" to the empty air. I recommend a bit of controlled loss of control like that, if you can do it without upsetting any neighbours, children or pets!)

lola Is it possible to undo the damage to some extent?

Yes. Time and work will be needed, and it may be a case of lifelong management rather than a complete transformation, but : yes. You can take control of the damage that was done to you, and learn to heal yourself, and how to soothe yourself over individual incidents as they crop up.

And I'm very impressed with how you were able to pull your mother up and state your needs. I'm still too scared to directly confront her like that, but it's brewing!

Susan Forward also recommends writing a fairy-tale about your childhood (and how you developed) for victims of incest. Even though I wasn't a victim of incest, I think I'll be doing that too.

There's a fairy tale here that I found a few weeks back (before reading the Susan Forward rec) that really helped me, so hopefully it will help even more to write my own.

In case any of you think a similar exercise could help them. Also read the linked fairy tale! I find it very cathartic.

may I come on here for a little space?
My birth father was emotional and physically abusive to my half brother and sister. He was emotionally abusive to me and my mum. I made the decision to have no further engagement with him 5 years agoi, after I realised he was never going to be a proper father to me.
He sneered and bullied and controlled and pushed me away then made me feel like a bad person , a non-important person all my adult life. He never bothered to meet my second child.
He was homophobic and mysoginistic and narrow-minded.
BUT he was my father and I loved him when I was small. I always have loved him. I even had a good relationship with him, right up until I got married, I suppose (when he 'lost' control of me, I gues....)

He died last month.

I am really struggling, as I have so many feelings all mixed up and I have no-one to talk to as my family all hated him, and I am the only one who loved him at all.
I managed to compartmentalise all feelings for 5 years and now his death has bought them all into focus.

There was no funeral, no will, no momentos, nothing. Just a phone call from his wife who lives abroad.
So no closure either, I suppose.

Just wanted to get it ''out''.
Thank you.

Hi bindibahji, and welcome! (your username is making me hungry)

If you want to do some reading to help you process your feelings, the book "Toxic Parents" has a section on how to express and release stored-up feelings about a dead abusive parent.

We're also hear to listen to your mix of feelings, too.

bindibahji, dear heart. To feel so split between groups. Do you feel disloyal to the rest of the family? And what can anyone do to guess the thoughts of a dead person who left nothing behind. He sounds like a very powerful figure that would leave an impression on anyone, but I wonder did anyone really know him? To me it sounds like he wanted everyone at arms length. "pushed me away". Divided the family and in doing so keeps the chaos stirring along nicely, just as you are left with ongoing turmoil of your feelings and loyalties toward him. It is alright as it is your experience but I can understand the kind of vitriol that will erupt from those not as well disposed toward your father. Abusers are master manipulators, one day in favour, next day out. The change of light enough to prompt another unpredictable turn in mood. You are never sure where you stand, whether to love or loathe, leave or stay. Pain either way. Damned if you do and damned if you don't in your case. just keep talking

it sounds so stupid, when you talk about the way he was to people who hadn't experienced it. If you said the Wrong Thing, (and there were hundreds of wrong things!) he would freeze you out, for days. If you were excited or happy, he would throw a blanket of such wetness over you (metaphorically) that you would feel it for weeks. He affected the relationship with my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandmother, because if you were out of fvour, no-one else could speak of you or to you.

If I ever tried to talk to him about how he was behaving or was making me feel he would say ''your mother has told you to say this'' and walk out of the room, or put the phone down etc.
Later he resorted to telling me that I was clearly suffering from PND (when I tried to beg him to come and visit my children - he was an hour away and i didn't drive. He visited the town I was living in to pay a call to one of the shop girl's daughters, who had had a baby, but wouldn't visit me. When I confronted him with this, and how hurt I felt, he told me to see a doctor as I was obviously mentally ill)

He would call you stupid or naive or pathetic if you expressed any view which wasn't in allignment with his. And this was often!

He was also alcoholic-dependant, used to ring me when very drunk and declare undying love for me.

I once wrote him a long, well-rehearsed and carefully worded letter, telling him how I wanted us to maintain a relationhip but that he constantly hurt me and he rang up and sneered at the letter - I mean, he sneered at the grammar and the style, decribed it as hysteric and journalistic and utterly refused to discuss the actual content.
He moved to another country and didn't tell me . That's almost funny, isn't it?

I have found out from his wife that he stopped her seeing her grandchild and treated her son and daughter-in-law horribly too.

Which helped with some of the guilt I have been carrying about disengaging with him. I felt I didn't want him in my children's lives.
I know I did the right thing.

But I feel stupid for feeling his loss so much.

I know I ought to get some coounselling, but the only free counseelling in town is the place where i work (I am not a counsellor but work with them, so they know me and therefore wouldn'tvwork with me)

I also have some problems with my mum, with whom I am close, but she knows some of this is her 'fault', in as much as she could have left him, but didn't (I DO understand why she didn't leave him!) and therefore 'exposed' her children to a lifetime of unhappiness. So she is constantly asking me for reassurance: ''it wasn't my fault, was it Bindi, you see why I couldn't leave. Oh it is ALL my fault etc'' and I just don't have the emotional headspace for this right now.

What your mother is doing sounds very unfair, bindibahji: asking you to absolve her of her guilt and make her feel better about herself. No wonder it feels like an emotional demand to you, because it is. One that completely reverses the parent-child relationship.

Could you get free counselling in another town withing commutable distance? It really sounds like it is something you do want that could be helpful to you.

your thread titles have always reminded me of him, because National Trust properties and stately homes were exactly what we did on a sunday...Nobody spoke....:D
oh and he ALWAYS did this thing (which is now a fmaily joke) where he would take us to the cafe for a meal and then declare ''I am not hungry, I'll just have the soup'' which meant ''if you dare ask for cake, or anything expensive, I will kill you when we get home...''
To this day, as a grown woman with my own money, I always scan for the cheapest possible thing on the menu.

puppy exactly. That is my 'role' in the family. I am the youngest, but I am the one they all turn to with their emotioanl stuff because i am ''strong'' and ''sorted''
My mum had an appalling (though wealthy) childhood and was rejected by her parents so is very much stuck in child-mode. :(

bindibahji, please don't feel stupid. Easier said than done I know! Despite his horribly controlling behaviour, he was your father and it's perfectly understandable to feel so many things all at once. Do you feel that you're grieving for the father you wish you had?

And no, you're right - you do not need your mum using you as an emotional support when you are trying so hard to cope with your own feelings. That seems really unfair to me - and familiar! I'm sorry you're going through this. My therapist keeps telling me to remember that whatever I am feeling, those feelings are real and valid, just by virtue of them being there in the first place. Feeling guilty for having certain emotions just makes them much harder to deal with.

god you lot are lovely, i come in, crash onto the thread, HAVE AN EMOTIONAL VOMIT ALL OVER YOUR RUG AND YOU ARE ALL NICE and helpful and wise!
Many sincere thanks x

Well, we've been force-fed our parents' own hatred for themselves since birth. No wonder we need to vomit it out from time to time!

What RL resources do you have, bindibahji? Any enlightened family members who understand what you've expereinced and share your pain or are at least willing to listen without judging? Do you need reading recommendations?

Here are a few websites and books that have helped me:

• Pete Walker
• Out of the FOG
• Lighthouse
• Toxic Parents
• When you and your mother can't be friends
• Healing your emotional self
• Recovery of your inner child

I'm a first-time poster too. This thread is such a wonderful support to me. I've been seeing a therapist for about 18 months and went low contact with my parents about 3 months ago. Both are narcissists and have been controlling and emotionally abusive all my life. I can relate to so much of what I read on here, particularly about reversal of parent-child relationship and feeling such strong guilt for not making parents happy.

Last month, they were due to come stay with me and DP
(they live in Ireland, we live in London). DP and I have been living together for 3 years, they have been to stay with us once up until now despite many invites. At 10pm the night before they were due to arrive, my dad phoned me to say they had decided to stay with my aunt instead as they were 'worried about the riots' which had happened a few days before. The area that DP and I live in was quiet and not affected by the riots and they knew this. It was just a flimsy excuse to suit themselves as usual. They made no acknowledgment that this may put DP and I out as we had taken time off work, bought food, made cakes, cleaned and generally steeled ourselves for their visit! They also expected DP and I to go visit them at my aunt's house on the Saturday.

It's just the way they completely and utterly ignore my feelings and my needs that kills me. And they consider themselves to be the most wonderful parents in the world! Denial much??
Anyway, thank you again for this safe space to talk about things that not everyone in RL understands

'HAVE AN EMOTIONAL VOMIT ALL OVER YOUR RUG'

I like this phrase. I think I may find myself using it in the future Nothing like a good emotional vomit!

in RL, I have some good friends and a lovely husband. And good inner resources and self awareness. I am looking for a nuetral space to talk. But it isn't easy without transport. Even the gp counselling takes place out of town, not on bus route [thoughtless gits!] and i work and have not much free time.
But I don't really talk about my father to my friends.

Thanks for the book recs, I have a counsellory friend who will have some of those titles I reckon.

'But I don't really talk about my father to my friends'

This is a tough one. I think it's really important to choose who you confide in. I have friends who I love a lot but never ever talk about my family with them because I can't be sure of a supportive response. They just don't 'get it' and I can see it makes them uncomfortable so I don't go there.

On the other hand, I have a feeling that like a lot of us on here, you have been brought up to feel that you mustn't 'burden' other people with your feelings. It's a hard skill to learn but confiding and sharing your feeling with other people can be very liberating and validating.

The social contract of "honour thy mother and father" does make it hard to share these feelings with friends. IME, friends who are perfectly on board with hearing me talk about my abusive ex kind of shut down when I try to talk about my feelings of being emotionally abused by my parents.

I get the space to talk and the validation I need from talking to my sister, and a couple more friends who also have toxic parents of their own and have come to realise it. My therapist, obviously. And these threads.

I'm going to try to increase that circle by opening up to my favourite aunt and uncle, who love me dearly but are also very close to my parents. I fear losing them far more than I fear losing my parents. But I believe that they are the kind of people who can hear me and accept that my feelings are to be respected, even if they won't share them. That's how they've always treated me so far; I'm so grateful that I had some sane nurturing from adults in my family thanks to them.

We have a cleaner on this thread, special like, for cleaning up all the emotional vomit. In fact we have tiled the place completely and put a drain in the floor

:)

I have found the stately homes threads fantastic for the bad times, and I've made some lovely friends on here, bindibahji.

It's wonderful to be able to 'go' somewhere and offload and not one person will ever say 'well it is your mum / dad... you only get one you know... maybe you should kiss and make up, eh?'

Oh I've missed all this - been away for work. Bindibahji my Dad does the whole crying "I'm sooo sorry for all my faults" thing with me. I've finally gotten to the point where it now angers me - he's a grown man and made his own choices, and I (and my siblings) were collateral damage for these choices. I can't pander to his victimhood anymore.

Please come and emotionally vomit when you need to! (I too love that phrase )

JosieRosie my parents seem to have no interest in me either! Last time I visited them I made a point, near the end of the visit (seeing as they hadn't yet shown any interest), to tell them over dinner what my job/life etc was like, in a chatty way. As soon as I drew breath, Mum got up to do the washing up and Dad muttered "must take the dog for a walk". Dad often interrupts what I'm saying, or else just tells me stories about himself and how loved he is. He too, is "such a lovely, lovely man, and what a caring father". I just don't really see it.

Funny how there are so many experiences in common on this thread.