"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

You know what? I felt alone within my family for the longest time. All of that hidden stuff going on and then it would be flung in your face like it is your fault or you weren't told because "well, you know what you're like". Chinese whispers, I never said that, I heard you say, I don't remember that.

Once meeting a cousin who my sister and mother had been in contact turned to me in a stunned way and said " I didn't even know you existed"!

My mother exhuming my fathers body, reburying him on the other side of the country and condeming me for not attending. She could not understand why I wouldn't get in the queue for the show, gave out shit to me for that. I stuck by my guns at that point, but she manipulated my younger sister into organising it all. I still don't get what that was about. Where he is now buried is near his own family, but about 800 miles from any of us. I don't think his family understood either, but just stand back and let the mad lady through. You know, when I begin to think, aw you know what, its not that bad. I remember that and it has the effect of a cold shower.

Yes...if I ever start to "forget" I just look at those emails she sent, and I get chilled to the core remembering how I felt when I discovered them for the first time.

The truth...in black and white.

Lola......your cousin didn't know of your existence! Good God. :(

It just wasn't seen as necessary to mention me. That one had me in pieces for weeks. Oh yes. lovely times at the bosom of my family. BUt, like yourself, I do the picking and choosing now and like to have things on my terms. There have been so many no turning back points. A hard station as they say at home.

Go Lola and CheapTrick!

Isn't it funny, when you've had reality bent and twisted for so long, how powerful concrete proof is? Indisputable facts or even a written document. The way it backs up all the other stuff that you know is true but has been minimised, denied, or just never ever spoken about.

Thank you Puppy for your advice on handling my belated rebellion. I've done a fair amount of screaming in the car. (Noone can hear me, right? ) I've read those fairy stories and will do my own. I can see how powerful that will be. So much so that I've frozen up at the thought of it, for now at least.

Still here. Just looked at the website "daughters of narcissitic mothers" and I think someone knew my mother inside out. It's scary, but a relief too. Hope that makes sense.

Makes perfect sense.

Morning all. I lurk about here all the time, posted a tiny bit once a while ago. Tell me, why can't I post about my Mother? Why do I find it so hard? I go to write something, and I just don't know where to start.

I'm not backwards at coming forwards in RL, so god knows. I'm guessing you have all experienced something like this before you were able to talk so freely. What is it?

I'm torn in my head between being absolutely crystal clear about my mother's problems and how she is with me, and then I lose my thread. It slides away, my faculties seem to seize up! Like nailing jelly to a wall!

I believe that's the FOG holding you back, Pep: Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Have you tried counselling?

Good grief, my spelling, apologies.
Thans It'sMe,
and Pep, that's exactly how I feel.

and again. Thanks!

Here it doesn't matter if it's a single word, or a page of rambling thoughts......it all counts. There is no "wrong"....only your experience and your feelings.

xxx

Thanks Itsme. Of course, I've heard of the damned FOG! I do think counselling would be a good idea one minute, and then I think "Oh good grief peppermint, you know why she's like she is, get a grip, have a word with yourself" etc. I suppose that's all part of it.

I'm far enough away from her geographically to put her away in a box marked "toxic. Do not approach" most of the time, but then we have some kind of family interaction and it all rears up again. The latest stuff is an absolute peach which I won't bore you with.

Christmas has already got me unsettled too. Don't really want to go "home", but I managed to escape it last year by being ill, so I fear I will have to do the duty this time, but then I think, "bugger it" why should I? And she always says "oh now you have a small family, they must come first. If you want to stay at your house you must". Then I get the guilt trip after that. Can't win so I suppose I should do what I want!

Just read my first post back . Oh my god-the use of the phrase "not backwards in coming forwards". My mother used to say that about me all the time, as a criticism of course(one of her milder public ones she would wheel out!!). How funny. And sad.

I think Peps that there is a huge sense of how disloyal and ungrateful it seems to speak about parents in anything other than glowing terms. Not all parents are equipped to be good parents. But, if it was your experience then you are entitled to how it was for you. And as Puppy said, that may upset a whole cart load of sour grapes etc. but the other option is to sit in a crazy shit storm that wasn't your making.

I have felt terrible about writing stuff, but none of the events that I have recounted were lies. They all happened. She may think they were different but that was how it was for me. I pride myself on my honesty, because for so many years I was called a liar/fantasist. Not listtened to and not believed, so I stick to the truth, no matter how it hurts me or makes me look stupid. To be greeted by cousins with the words "here comes the lunatic" is not nice.

She was just on the phone talking about my cousing (I have numerouos ones) and his experience with the Christian Brothers and the damage. I asked her if she remembered the Mentalist Nun that taught for years at my school. "Ah yeah, but that was different"..."HOW?" " Well sure she meant well....." In the name of all that is holy. The constant minimizing of everything to the point where it disappears. Hard to keep a grip on reality when a parent doesn't seem to have ever been introduced to it.

Keep going Peps, get firm ground under your feet. You will never get it from them

Counselling, for me at least, hasn't just been a way of understanding why I am the way I am and why my parents are the way they are.

One of the best things counselling has done for me is to have someone acknowledge and validate my pain. It really does wonderful things inside. Like my session on Monday, I said to the counsellor at one point, as a kind of aside to the general point I was making, "For example, it's a really small thing, but ex used to do XXXX" and the counsellor immediately said, "That's not a small thing at all."

And you see, up until that point I had considered it just a by-the-by small thing. And maybe it is, in the larger scheme of things. But having her pick up on my minimisation, and show me that, actually, it was perfectly valid for me to feel the way I feel, felt incredibly good. Particularly after a lifetime of invalidation from parents and ex. I'm assuming that the more I am exposed to my counsellor validating my feelings, the more I will train myself to do the same for my own self.

So what I'm trying to say in a very longwinded and anecdotal fashion is this: you may know everything you need to know, but a good counsellor will heal the hurt.

I was just looking over this thread, reading to about pg 15. Loads of things resonating esp the thing about being "fat" or "the big one" in the family. That all came from my mother. I wasn't as it happens, I was tallish (at 5' 8" now) and my sister was much shorter, and smaller generally. I was always made to feel inferior, but if I ever questioned it it was all in my mind and of course she never said things like that.

She once said, in front of my best mate, that while I had been at university, she "didn't understand what had happened to me" she said "your boobs have shrunk, not that you ever had much in the first place"!??!! I always remember my friend saying what a strange thing to say to your daughter and asking if my mum was always critical of me.

I was bulimic for a good 6 years throughout my 20s. All mum-related. I had almost "forgotten" about that (43 now, dementia setting in)

My mother acts as if she is jealous of me when it comes to my (wonderful) Dad. He died 2 years ago and was a hugely positive influence. We were great friends, very alike. She hates to hear that. I can't understand her reactions-esp since having children myself.

We were talking last year about things in my dad's old shed and she was as usual moaning about how it all falls on her shoulders and she has to clear it all up etc and I very breezily mentioned his woodworking tools and how he'd wanted me to have them.

She turned on me with about as much vitriol as she could muster and said "let's face it peppermint, EVERYTHING of your father's is MINE and I'll decide who has what. Isn't it AMAZING that there's ANOTHER thing that your father said you could have which I knew NOTHING about!" This is after we had also talked about some of his books coming to me-it's well known in the family that he wanted me to have certain collections of his books.

She was so spiteful it took my breath away. Implying I had made it all up. What for? To get hold of woodworking tools!!!!! I would never ever talk to my daughter like that. I KNOW I wouldn't.

It makes me laugh on one level though-as my DP said- "what does she want with his woodworking tools, and didn't she always say his books were a menace and she should take them all to the charity shop." !! Sorry, can't seem to shut up now. Sorry for the vent. Thanks.

sorry, spent so long on the above I didn't see your posts til after!

Lola, that's amazing-about the honesty thing. So do I, and what you've said switched on a light in my head! I always always tell the truth, I'm known for it among my friends etc, and I think that's why-because all my young life I was told my recollections and memories were false, I was stupid for mis-remembering. My god, how obvious it seems.

Sorry about this, I've never posted so much before...But I was reading what you've all written about the "enabling" parent. So much to think about. I want to look into my relationship with both parents, my Dad has always been, as I put above "wonderful" to me. How does that work? I think that a lot of the time he was at work, and she has always reserved a certain way of being with me for when she and I are alone...but...but...He was a strong man, only in thrall to her in the last ten yrs of his life (he was 20 yrs older than her). I need to think about it all.

Peppermint when I started on this thread I apologised and someone said:

I have a dream - that people on the Stately Homes thread don't feel the need to apologise for their posts. Now I'm passing this gem onto you

It's really really tough when you start to realise and face the behaviour of your parents, and start to admit that they have caused you real pain. I know that I found it difficult to admit that my Mum had been awful, and even more distressing to realise how Dad had hurt me, because he at least tried to do his best. But it was still very far short of what I needed and deserved.

And once I loosened one thread, I realised how much of how I felt about myself and the general anxiety and tendency to depression was linked to the environment of my childhood that I hadn't even realised were damaging.

Your mother sounds like a piece of work. It's interesting that your friend noticed that she was critical and able to point that out for you. I wonder about your Dad - did he notice what your mother was like to you? Was she unkind or controlling towards him too?

Keep posting here as much as you like! And I second puppy - a counsellor has helped this process move much faster for me (still took 2 years) but also their validation of your pain is so important.

Oh bloody hell! Of course, I'm busting to say sorry for saying sorry...but I won't!! You're right, and thanks for the gem

Yes, I am thinking seriously about counselling, that very word "validation" came into my head on the drive home from work. I need that, am never ever taken seriously about anything by my entire family. eg I've often sat there at family dinners stunned as they all discuss some legal problem and what the solution might be, yet they never ever turn to me and ask my advice. I AM A LAWYER YOU BLOODY IDIOTS!!!! I HAVE BEEN A LAWYER FOR TWENTY BLOODY YEARS. AND I'M BLOODY GOOD AT IT!!

And breathe.....

Which number child are you? I had a very similar experience in that I never felt my opinion carried any weight with my family. So of course I doubted my own professional and personal judgement (until very, very, very recently).

I'm the youngest of 3. Bro(golden child) and sis are 7 and 6 yrs older than me respectively. I often wonder if I was a mistake after that gap. Mother has always worshipped my brother as some kind of demi-god(he doesn't really rise to it tho he's a bit full of himself at times) and appears to hold my sis up as her all-round favourite iyswim.

I wouldn't mind, but as the one desperately trying to be the "good girl" I was the only one who went uni, who got a professional qualification etc-all things held up by my mother(and father to be fair) as ultra-important. So much for that!!

Not surprised you are the youngest, and by a gap. I'm the youngest of 5 and there was a 5 year gap after no4 - yes, I was not intended.

Whenever I gave my opinion, the response always seemed to be, "Yes, that's true, but what you don't know is..." and so I always felt I was missing some crucial something to be successful.

Sorry to hear the others are the golden children.

The thing about feeling inadequate and feeling the need to prove yourself - it can actually drive you to great success!

Yes, because only the Scapegoat gets the chances (or has the incentive, if self-aware enough) to become the family Truth-teller.

Youngest of 3 here too, btw.