"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Supercal, I feel lonely too - well, I am literally lonely, following an ill-advised move away from my old life. But I don't feel that hankering for company, as though something's missing. This is a fairly recent development - of which I'm proud! - and it's an outcome of learning to love & respect myself. What kind of psychotherapy are you doing with DH? Is it helpful to you personally, or do you find yourself also skirting round issues in your sessions?

As you're aware of what's going on with you, you might be ready to tackle Bradshaw's "Homecoming" and/or Capacchione's Inner Child Workbook. Both can make you cry ... in a helpful way!

It could also be worth checking out free courses in your area. I'm not sure whether the Freedom Programme might be right for you? Most cities, even small ones, also have a womens' centre or similar, running self-empowerment type porgrammes for free.

Please do remember to love the child you were, and treat yourself with compassion.

Judder, your parents would be much happier if your marriage broke down and you moved near to them. They'd have their scapegoat back, undefended and vulnerable to all their old tricks. I can't see that as being good for you or your DC, only the three of them.

Congratulations on your firm understanding of how the scapegoat role works, and on securing an emotionally healthy DH with normal values! I really feel you'll benefit from listening to him.

You've still got your 'little goat' costume on, though, haven't you, with your fears of upsetting people and your frustrations with your brother. It is NOT necessary for everybody to like you, most people get along fine with a mixture of friends they love, tolerate and loathe respectively. You are NOT responsible for other people's feelings; your responsibility to them stops at good manners. Your brother's life is NO CONCERN of yours. He's clearly fucked up in many ways; leave him to it.

I think you need some work on boundaries. How does that sound to you?

Can I join your thread?

I remember something my mother did, before I axed her from my life. It seems trivial even to me sometimes, but for some reason it bothers me more than most of the far, far worse things she did.

She sent me a "jokey" birthday card implying I was a fatty. Seems pretty harmless right? I was 17 years old and I had a BMI of between about 19.5 and 20.5 (at the lighter end of the healthy range). My mother was 49 years old and her BMI would have been somewhere around 35.1 according to the calculator I just used (obesity starts from 30).

Not that being undermined, ridiculed and generally used as a scapegoat for anything wasn't pretty normal in my life you understand, but that, that was so, absurd. Of course I wasn't bloody fat. To give you a visual comparisson we had similar body shapes to Zara Phillips and a pre-diet Fern Britton.

I think that was the beginning of the realisation for me that she just makes it up as she goes along. When she can't think of an apparently valid dig any old dig will do.

That card still bothers me, it's been a long time.

You don't need to ask, Saffron, just jump in :)

I wonder why the card bothers you particularly? Are you very careful of your weight, or were you back then?

It strikes me that your mother sent you a card that was a joke on herself. Not in a healthy, self-deprecating way, but more in the sense that she fails to see you as a person separate from herself. In a similar way that my mum says things to me about "our age". It has completely escaped her that, since I am her daughter, I must be a whole generation younger than her.

My mother was always 'funny' about my weight too. I was anorexic for a year in my early teens, and I've always been a bit skinny (although less so since the age of 30 ). She would get bitter and grumpy if she bought me clothes. She has been overweight all her life, from being a teen. She refuses to accept that I was ever anorexic, in fact she has made some pretty low 'jokes' about my eating habits (you stuffing your face again, eh?)

Just to let you guys all know, from what I can gather from my use of interent search engines, it would appear that my mother and her husband have sold their house and left Britain to live abroad... Either that or they have been unable to sell and taken their house off the market.

I'm hoping it's the former, I love the idea that I can go wherever I like and there is no chance I'll bump into them.

I want to run around town screaming 'I'm free! I'm free!'

Wha - hey, Manic! Let's hope they're a loooong way from here!

I have stuff to say on the mothers and weight front, but it's late so I'll come back tomorrow for that.

thanks for the response garlicbutter. To answer your questions: I don't know what type of psychotherapy it is, have never been told, it is simply psychotherapy and I'm happy with that. Yes, I feel it's helping me personally although is a slow burn. Don't know what you mean by skirting round issues? What issues do you think it might be skirting round?!

I'd never heard of the Freedom Programme so was excited to learn of it. But disconcerted to see it's for victims of DV. Am alarmed that you would think I would need this from my post! No, I'm quite happy to say it doesn't apply to me.

I wrote my previous post when v low - I am feeling much more like myself today, but as I was feeling so low for a few weeks, and it really did feel like chemical imbalance. So I went to my GP earlier this week and have a prescription for ADs. Have only been on it two days on a very low dose so probably not working yet, but I think taking action made a big difference to me. I've also had some treatment set up for a physical health issue I have, which I'm relieved about as it's something causing me pain and discomfort. After getting the ADs I had a very frank and good talk with DH, who was v supportive. Up to that point I hadn't really confided in him how low I felt, although he could tell that I wasn't in a great state of mind.

The loneliness thing is funny. Because I am quite content being alone a lot of the time. But the issue for me is developing and maintaining a strong female relationship. I tend to crave this but shy away from it, often fuelling conflict so that the relationship 'breaks up'. This is what bothers me the most. It is more emotionally comfortable for me to spend time alone, but doing so is a bit of cop out in my case sometimes, a way of avoiding the trickier and scarier terrain of developing positive friendships.

Thanks for the reply, garlicbutter. In answer to your queston I'm pretty relaxed about my weight. I went through the usual teenage stuff and I can complain as well as the next woman post-Christmas or post-pregnancy (I bulk up a lot with pregnancy) but I think I'm quite normal on the whole. I think the card bothers me so much not because of the weight thing per se, but because until then all her little digs seemed to me like they had at least some basis in either truth or at the very least valid opinion. That card, for me, was the first thing so clearly absurd as to be obviously nothing to do with me. A woman Fern Britton size calling a woman Zara Phillips size fat is just so stunningly obviously bollocks that it for the first time it really dawned on me that she's not logcal. Not logical, or rational or even making sense. It's any dig will do wth her. Make any sense?

Supercal, I'm sorry my post offended you! I haven't been on the Freedom Programme yet so I don't know how essential it is to have experienced DV (always remembering that child abuse is DV.) It is about developing healthy boundaries, healthy relationships and healthy self-worth, which is why I thought of it.

Very glad to hear you decided to confide in your GP and your husband. You never know, the right antidepressant treatment might help you with maintaining your friendships - if the underlying problem is anxiety, it may well do so. Good luck :)

That totally makes sense to me, Saffron. Discovering that your own mother is not a normal, rational human being is a big shock at any age. At 17 it must have been devastating (although you did well to recognise it so young, I think.)

Congrats, floofers :)

When I first went to my GP, I took a letter. I could manage watching him read it, but knew I'd either turn into an blubbing jelly or (more likely) go into "I'm FINE!" mode if I had to try and get it out in speech. I think you've considered this before, but wanted to remind you of the possibility. If writing it out feels like too much, could you print off some of your posts? Just so that she gets the real picture ...

You are being courageous. I'm sure you've been A Brave Girl far too many times in your life but, this time, you're drawing on your courage for your own benefit. That's a special, wonderful thing to do for yourself; please appreciate it! You deserve help, and you so are worth the effort.

Oh, I'm so glad you've ordered the book! No, you're not in the wrong

In my forties, I told a doctor about my horrendous periods - I used to bleed like a wounded battalion, it caused no end of problems. I was accustomed to 'coping' with it, and only mentioned it in passing. This doctor said "No woman should have to suffer for her periods." My world imploded! In 40+ years, absolutely nobody had told me I didn't have to suffer and shouldn't put up with it! He gave me some tablets that helped.

See, I wasn't cursed or whining or failing to deal with things. I really did have an uncommon problem, there really was a way out, and no bugger had thought to tell me this before - so I didn't know! Similarly, you shouldn't have to suffer as much as you have done, or still do. There is help.

You can write to your doctor beforehand; I've done that too. It's not so unusual, I gather :)

Sorry - how much should you tell? As much as you feel you need to, I guess. My first letter was half a page, outlining my symptoms and what I saw as the underlying causes. My second was ten pages [blushes]

If you feel up to it, you can try some out on here. Alternatively, how about looking at your old threads? I seem to remember you described your case clearly and well.

It is an eye-opener. I feel very sad, for both of us, that compassion was so foreign to us. After I'd written my 'period' post to you, I realised that GP - and a nurse, the same year, who showed sympathy for my miscarriages - were the catalysts for my breakdown and recovery. I think the shock of discovering compassion, and its absence from my life, triggered the breakdown. And the same insight motivated my recovery.

So I'm very happy to hear your paramedics delivered you with the respect, care & concern you deserve ... and understand the fear and confusion you feel about addressing the contrasts. I can't pretend it's easy, floofers, but I can confirm it's worthwhile for the emotionally richer and more grounded life ahead of you. Talking is the first step :)

You've already 'talked' on here, so opening communications with your doc is really your second step, isn't it? You've already put one foot forward; just follow it with the other ...

It's been really helpful for me, too :)

Take care of yourself, love. Post again if you want to. x

Hi garlic - your description of the Freedom programme sounds v interesting to me; the website turned me off though at it was all about male-female DV!

I don't think the underlying problem with friendships is anxiety - I don't see myself as a particularly anxious person, although I do get stressed v easily. I would say the problem is me perhaps secretly wanting more loyalty than people are able to give, and particularly, not being able to navigate feeling disappointed by someone. My first instinct if there's an issue in a relationship is to flee - usually emotionally rather than physically!

I do have faith that the ADs will help though because it really does seem chemical - I have really bad days, and then the next day could I could feel much more positive. I took ADs for 8mths at least 8 yrs ago after suffering from really bad PMS, and they helped. In the meantime I've had therapy and mostly been fine and moving forwards. But over the last few years I've had a few v low periods, including having a month of having antenatal depression when pregnant, and I would like to get some more balance and constancy.

Saffron I agree with garlicbutter that your mother's 'fat' bday to you was probably a statement on her and not you. I'd say it wasn't a case of 'any dig would do' - I suspect she felt conscious of her weight, perhaps envious of yours, and as garlic said, saw you as the same person. And I do wonder why it got to you so much if you could blatantly see it wasn't true? Were you able to challenge her?

I also had a mother who saw me as an extension of her. In fact, your comment garlic about your mother talking about the pair of you getting old made me giggle. My mother wasn't that deluded I guess, but looking at old photos, I was shocked to see us wearing an almost identical outfit in a photo together when I was 14. And when I was 17, she bought me a tartan miniskirt (in fashion then - and bought herself the same! She was really controlling about my clothes - used to hit me if I wouldn't wear what she wanted. As an adult I thought this must be because she was obsessed about the image we as a family projected to the world, and that she saw me as reflecting on her. But in a moment of clarity now, I think that it was a bit more complicated - that she did very much see me as tied up in her identity and image. The same person, almost.

My weight was the absolute worst issue between us. Likewise with my father. When I was 18, I had an extremely traumatic incident with them once where they insisted that they weighed me (there was some sort of context) then said I was 2 stone overweight. I was a size 8.When I went back to Uni and saw the GP, he laughed when I told him they what they'd said. That was a complete head fuck.

Mind you, I do now have a weight problem. It sucks. I'm fed up of weight and how the issue of it has blighted me life, even when I was v skinny.

floofers When I have more time I will read back over your posts so I can give my comments to you some considered thought. But hang in there, realisations about what compassion actually feels like are v important

If you'll forgive a little bit of CBT, floofers - when you talk (write) to your GP, what's the worst that can happen? How bad is it? ... not trying to dismiss your fears, it's an honest question.

supercal because up until that stunningly obvious pile of total bollocks I was at least partly buying into the general dig-a-thon that is an ever present part of any relationship with my mother. Upon opening the card there was the usual hurt and all, but also for the first time the stunning revelation that "she's talking unjustifiable shite", followed by "OMG she just makes it up", "it's all starting to become clear", "she's been just making it up for years" and "so hang on a minute then, what does that mean? I'm NOT a fundamentally bad person?". Dressed of course with quite a bit of "fuuuuck, my whole understanding of myself is a lie".

If it still doesn't make sense nevermind.

floofers - I remember you, I posted on your original thread I think...

I have some coping strategies for GP appointments. I write down the points I need to make, and put the piece of paper in my bag. Just having it in the room with me usually means that I do remember to say everything and don't just mumble something about a clicky knee and then shuffle out... but if I do 'go blank' then I can check my 'list' and remind myself.

Do not be afraid to sit there and bawl your eyes out. It may be embarrassing, but then your GP is in no doubt as to the severity of your problem, and they will take you seriously. I did lots of wailing, and got a very positive response.

If you are nervous / embarrassed, bear in mind that GPs are generally prepared for anything, and I guarantee that they will be thinking 'thank fuck it's not someone with genital warts or a fungal toenail again.'