Hello all. I've recently joined this site and have spent the last few days reading these threads and I'm hoping that you can help me make some sense out of the following. I warn you now that this is going to be long and perhaps a little disjointed so apologies in advance. I'm not even sure if this is really an issue or not having read a little of the "stately homes" thread but I'm hoping someone can perhaps offer an explanation/way forward.
Up until extremely recently, and by that I mean the past few weeks, I thought that my childhood and upbringing was "normal." However, I am in a relatively new relationship (8 months) and my partner has made me think about my relationship with my parents in a different way.
My partner thinks that occasionally I am disrespectful to him. There have been a couple of times that he has spoken to me about this and it has degenerated into a row as I become very defensive and upset trying to justify what I have said that he felt was disrespectful. We have recently had a long discussion about this, tears, nearly breaking up but both wanting to find a way forward. I can understand he doesn't want to be in a relationship where he doesn't feel respected but and here's the crux - I am not always aware that I have been disrespectful, not listened to him until he has had to point it out.
During our discussion he mentioned how he felt that some of my lack of awareness may be down to my upbringing - he had noticed what he felt where oddness, strangeness in my relationship with my parents. The most notable he said was one afternoon when my partner, son and myself were having tea with my mum and dad at their house and my dad commented to my partner that he was surprised he was still around with my mum commenting that my partner was "too good for me."
It's not something I had ever really thought about before. We are/were a normal family. My parents are now retired but whilst we were growing up (eldest of 3) they were self made, successful (status, wealth, outward trappings of success) professionals with their own business. They worked long hours for the benefit of us children. I was always aware that I had what many would consider being a privileged upbringing - private school, large house, ponies.
I was also acutely aware that my brother, middle child, was more favoured than either my sister or I was. He was the one who had a full scholarship, was a naturally gifted both music and academically and was I suppose the golden child, could do no wrong.
To be fair to my brother he never lorded this over my sister and myself, he was and is generous, kind, reasonable etc. But, I always felt that I was being compared to him. I was academically bright as well, top of my class but only gained a half scholarship - I was constantly reminded of how much my education was costing my parents compared to his - and despite my brother being in the school year below me he ended up taking his maths and further maths o levels at the same time as me. So when results time came the focus was on how wonderfully clever he was to be taking O levels a year early. It felt like my achievements were not acknowledged.
In fact looking back and trying to analyse how I felt growing up I think I constantly felt as though I wasn't good enough, as though I was a let down to my parents. It didn't matter what I did, it was never going to be good enough or as good as what my brother did. I can remember wanting reassurance from them that what I was doing was ok, academically, socially but not getting this and I suppose at the time just accepting this was how it was. Ironically, when that reassurance has been given to me at school, university or at work I have had a great deal of trouble in accepting the compliment, passing of my ideas as others or trying to play down the role I have played.
There is so much more now I?m starting to think about, the physical and verbal abuse my mother tolerated from my father for many years as he went through cycles of depression and paranoia, and how that was never acknowledged. The verbal abuse I would get for trying to stick up for my mum or my sister or deflect the anger and how it would spill over into occasional physical abuse that my mum pretended never happened and how I must have been mistaken. In fact looking back, I also don?t remember any hugs, kisses, I love you being given, nothing demonstrative.
My partner thinks that perhaps I?m still trying to win my parents approval so their comments that he is not good enough for me are subconsciously making me push him away so that they are proved to be correct ? so that I can win their approval, show that yet again they are right. He is right, I am very defensive and try to justify what I have said or done by wanting him to see it from my point of view
I?m not sure what to think at the moment ? I know I want to try and make it work with my partner but need help, advice as to where to go from here.
Counselling is not an option we are able to afford at the moment, in fact not sure that it would help. I need to find a way to work out how to get my thoughts out in a competent way. At the moment they are such a jumble.
Sorry this is so long, congratulations if you have made it to the end. Any thought, ides, practical help?