"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread

[Snowdropfairy]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
November 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Garlic i'm sorry your Father tried to hurt/kill you.

My mum tried to drowned me in the sea and neglected me and i fell throw the banisters to the hall floor and she scolded me on a kettle and the fire. I have to think she had PND to be ok, its just as likly that she was angry/raging and took it out on me as i was there and may be she thought it was my fault!

I will never ask her so i will never know.

Thisishowifeel i too any evil, deluded and nasty if i believe what my exfamily tell me. Luckly i'm a logical person and relised i'm not that bad.

After i confronted my mum over ss involved due to my xbrother hitting me, she called me a lier and that i was making it up. They will never accespt responisbility.

He was asleep and only got them this morning. So now I feel double crap.

I really want to get some help for this ptsd and abandonement stuff. It's the fact that it's all gone now, that my subconscious is starting to let it out. But it's too hard on my own. :(

That free falling feeling is utterly terrifying.

Thanks for the solid ground reminder manic....it really helped. When you're in the middle of a freefall, ploughing through Pete Walker isn't very realistic. :(

Hello LBB thanks for the hugs, I'm sorry your family are so horrible to you.

Thisishowifeel thanks but its ok they are all twats - i'm not and i will be ok.

I used to feel the freefalling every time i felt unsure of my DH love for me or when i thought that our relationship was threatened. Most of it was in my head and i had trouble seeing it for what it was. The anti-depressents help me to think logicaly about it now so its a bit better. There are still times when i get very worked up about things and most of the time its not his fault

DH is very patient with me at times and always reasures me but i have explained where it comes from, i think he can see how messed up my xfamily has made me and knows i need extra reassurance all the time

I'm not ok and i'm not a great person. Yeasterday my 2yo was playing up and i pushed him away and he went back and ploped on his bum and cryied. I instandly felt bad and hugged him said sorry but thats what my mum did to me.

Its not a pearenting technque i want to ever use again. Mayby i'm no better than my xmum?

You hugged and said sorry, that says it all. Dont beat yourself up about things he wont even remember 5 mins later because you put it right as soon as you could xx

Saying sorry is hugely important and is what makes you different. Being able to analyze and aware of your parenting, what's good and healthy and what isn't is hugely important and is what makes you different. Being able to listen to feedback from your children (at 2 years old = crying), assess whether it's fair and change accordingly is hugely important and is what makes you different.

You don't have to be a perfect mother, you can be a good enough mother. You are not your mother.

I have booked myself in for some more therapy in the morning.

Arrrghhh! This too shall pass...

...but for now...I have just well and truly had my buttons pushed.

Received a birthday card from parents, for one of my DC's.

After the last birthday card episode have learnt to open them before exposing kids to the 'messages' inside.

Now, the latest card has an even stronger guilt trip inside than the others... it says nothing at all about missing the DC or wanting to spend time with them. It says a lot about me preventing contact between GP's and GC's...ie your mother is being very nasty by not bringing you to visit us. There is no mention of them getting off their arses to come and see DC or meeting in a halfway neutral place, it's all about me not running about like a blue arse twat trying to keep them happy.

The DC involved is coming up to their teen years.

All DC's know I am no contact and in an age appropriate way, why I am no contact. They know I did not send a mothers day card this year, first year ever - and that I have no intention of seeing my parents again - ever.

My DC's do not have a close relationship with their GP's but they do know who they are and had what you would call a 'chit chat' relationship with them. I have never left GP's and DC's alone together so am sure the relationship is just superficial...no in depth convo's to be had.

I can't send the card back, I have no address for my parents. If I bin it without showing DC then I am doing the same as my parents did with me when they fell out with relatives ie DC will wonder what he did wrong to not get a card. (Tbh I wish they hadn't sent the damned thing...no card would be easier to deal with than this guff!) Also, if I bin the card....I will know I am lying to my DC when I say there wasn't a card and I don't think I can out and out lie to them...if I tell them there was a card and I binned it they will ask what was on it and can they see for themselves.

I think my best option is to show my DC the card and encourage discussion about what is inside it, before their actual birthday...therefore ensuring their actual birthday will be a happy day and not one of emotional guilt tripping.

How would you handle this guys??

PS...When my sis' did this crap during my first year of NC, I sent the cards back, the kids were 5 years younger then so it easier to gloss over the lack of cards, not got that option this time really.....I don't think??

MWD

The card will only have as much power as you allow it to have. I would ignore the thing actually and shred it. It was sent to spite you, for having the gall in their eyes to stand up to these people finally. Going through the children to get back at their child is a standard tactic employed by such toxic people. If you have not already done so read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Ignore, ignore, ignore such nonsense.

Re your comment:-
"If I bin it without showing DC then I am doing the same as my parents did with me when they fell out with relatives ie DC will wonder what he did wrong to not get a card.

I think that worry of yours is completely unfounded actually

(Tbh I wish they hadn't sent the damned thing...no card would be easier to deal with than this guff!)

Indeed!

"Also, if I bin the card....I will know I am lying to my DC when I say there wasn't a card and I don't think I can out and out lie to them...if I tell them there was a card and I binned it they will ask what was on it and can they see for themselves".

Don't just bin it, shred it!. I'd be more than happy to shred such a thing, how dare your parents pull such a stunt in the first place. Toxic parents more often than not become toxic grandparents as well. I'd be bloody cross with the pair of them, how dare they try and involve your children in such a way. They don't really give a monkeys about their grandchildren either if they write such toxic stuff in a birthday card.

Do you think your DC in question would actually wonder why there is no card from your parents given the sort of relationship they have?. Coming up to the teen years this young person hardly has any sort of relationship with their toxic grandparents (thankfully), why should this child be subjected to their innane toxic witterings?.

Attila...I have read 'Toxic Parents'...it was very good and applicable to me...but didn't offer coping strategies for times like this...very good as a validation tool though.

Now you have said it, I do realise what the sensible choice is - and that is to shred.

I was shaking with anger at the thought of my parents feeling as though they have the absolute right to use my DC's in such a way....it just proves they have no caring for my DC's as they could have messed up his birthday, on purpose, just to make their point and have a pop at me.

I then made a few phone calls to some supportive friends and have come to the conclusion all this episode has really done is show that there is and never will be any change in their toxicity.

Actually, the reference you make to my DC wondering about not getting a card is a good one....I have already warned him that GP's may not send a card due to punishing me because I won't do as I am told any more...so no card perhaps wouldn't be a great surprise...maybe it got lost in the post?? GP's have already stopped sending the monetary gifts as punishment....so not sending a card is a natural progression I suppose.

I think I feel the need to show DC the card so that he can understand how they 'play the game' thus allowing him to protect himself in the future.

I am so very, very sacred my DC's will end being as screwy as me if they get involved with my family....my children are ill equipped to deal with this type of nonsense...gawd even I feel ill equipped at the mo and I have over 40 years of experience to draw on!

MWD

Many children now adults of toxic parents have FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Any one or a combination of all three may be still with you. You will not end up like your parents because you have what they have never had - insight and proper empathy. Your parents are an abject example of how not to behave; would continue to surround yourself and your family with emotionally healthy people.

You're doing great; do not let this card derail any your progress made. Do not give it that power.

Shred it, you'll feel a lot better for doing so. Would do exactly the same with any other cards you receive from them.

It is entirely up to you but I would think twice about showing your son this card. You're already said to him that there may not be a card anyway. He may not even wonder why there is no card from them anyway given the way you have been treated by them. The card after all was not sent with him in mind, it was sent by them to get back at you for "disobeying" them and going no contact. You want no further relationship with them at all; they are even trying to get around that by going through the children. They don't give a monkeys about their grandson; if they truly did they would not have written such things in it.

I hope he and you enjoy his birthday. Don't let this card guilt trip you or trip you up. Its a trap.

Shred the card .

Sending a toxic message to the dc when they are a teen , is an especially vile thing to do imo.

The teenager , as a species can be be a stroppy hormonal creature anyway , and is best delt with by means of kind words and can be lured from bedroom almost always with food or money.

The attempted poisioning of their fragile hormonal minds is horrid thing to do. It will stay with them into adulthood. Keep that vile message from them at all cost. The last thing you would want is your DC to become the "mouthpiece" for the toxics .Which is of course the point of the toxics writing the vile mesage in the first place...sort of brainwashing by post ?.

The first time you parent your teen with disapline (grounding for naughtyness or refusing to let them go to an all night party ect) you would be finding the teen REPEATING THE TOXIC VILENESS. This would really hurt you...but DC wouldnt really know what they have said iykwim?.
The result would be the same though ...the toxics would still be able to "get at" you by using your child as their weapon.

How dare they !!! .

IMO it is always better to have the dc go NC with you . After all look at how badly they have treated you , and whats to stop them doing the same to the dc ? Or from using them to get at you.

Thank you Attila for being my voice of reason today.

I think you are right with your FOGiness comment.

Me at the minute...

I am fearful of my parents on really base level - scared they will knock the door and enforce a confrontation - and fear of them twisting my DC's against me as they have with the rest of the family, both lately and in times past. I also feel guilty at depriving my son of what should be a nice birthday card.

Yes, I know this is not my guilt to carry, it is theirs, they have done this, not me - but I was well trained.

The reality is the card is nasty, mean, vindictive and designed to cause nothing but angst within my chosen family. The fear I feel is again them pushing me to assume an instinctive hyper vigilant protection mode both towards myself and my children...again they taught me well.

As for obligation.......this does NOT apply.

So what have I done with the card...faff all!

I am going to sit on it and chat to DH later as he is also involved...but ultimately I will make the decision.

After I have decided what to do...then either way the card is getting shredded/burnt. I don't want to waste any more time on this than absolutely necessary...I just need to feel sure that which ever choice I make is done with clear, logical, now thinking...and not made through my foggy eyes of the past.

Thanks again Attila. x

Hmmm...

Just had hypothetical convo' with all DC's at once - bit of a family discussion - about what they would like me to do with any birthday cards if received any...they said...

They all want me to 'vet' the cards.

If the card is OK (no comments) give it to them.

If the card has comments...put it in the burning pile...hide it away so they can't see it.

but...they all want to know if they have a card.

They all also said if the card had any money in it to tell them...but to put it towards a cinema trip or takeaway for everyone to share.

Still dunno what I am going to do...but more food for thought.

Actually i recomend shredding anypost that has taletale postmarks/handwriting . If you "know" its from them , dont even give them the respect of opening it.

Then you wont feel guilty for stopping cards ect.
You will simply have shreadded junk mail .

Thats all it is really ...just junk.

X posted droves....thank you for your input too....I feel a unanimous shredding is the order of the day!

This is our first year of complete NC with my parents.....the first year is always the hardest I think...once the 'rules' of engagement are set then they are easy to follow...sorting out the 'rules' is a bloomin' minefield at first though.

Been through this with my sister, it just seemed so much more straightforward with her than my parents.

Just wanted to say MWD that's a lovely gesture from your DC of wanting everyone to share the money and have a treat :) I would be very proud of my kids if they'd said that. I would also be comforted by their reaction to the question as well, that's a great response from all of them.

BTW I'd definitely shred it without a second thought.

Hope you don't mind me posting. I posted a thread a while ago and I had put a post on here linking to that here.

Since telling my mum what she has done to piss me off, I have had very little contact with her. She kept trying to get in touch with me asking what was wrong, what had she done, blah blah blah, all of which I had already told her, but as always, she never acknowledged it at the time.

My DD had her Holy Communion. I didn't stop my mum and sister from coming (I have cut all contact with my sister) as I had already invited her before I had a go at her and DD knew she was coming, so figured I'd see her maximum 20 minutes. Well I was wrong. They ended up sitting next to us because the staff pointed them in our direction, then mum tagged along to lunch, and drove me bloody mad! She kept hugging me and burst into tears as well. She always hugs me thinking that's what will make things better. Nope not at all.

Sorry, starting to get angry just typing this out. She then contacted me again saying she wanted to have DD this weekend and to call and speak to her. I said no.

I know in her head, that because I was nice to her at DD's HC, that things are okay, but I wasn't going to cause a scene at my DD's HC! I'm just annoyed now, and know I have to retell her I'm angry at her and I don't want her involved in any of our lives!

Ok update time...

I discussed the card with DH and showed it to him....after he'd finished eff and jeffing all over the place, about the nerve of them trying to spoil his sons birthday, the audacity of them trying to turn his DC's against their own mother and his effing wife (

You handled that so well, Mizzy. I'm really impressed :) I'm taking notes, because while my mother is a) abroad and b) in a nice cycle, I'm expecting an almighty row when she realises it hasn't worked to get me back to towing the line.

Really not sure how to handle correspondence (particularly email) aimed at the kids, but I think the idea of filing it for future reference is a very good one.

Hi all

I hope you don't ming me posting here.

I posted on an earlier version of this thread about a year ago as I was pregnant with DD (now 7 months - she is WONDERFUL!!!) and wanted to ask your advice about contact with her grandfather, my DH's father.

I expect most people have changed but I think some of you who responded so kindly and helpfully last time are still here, so I thought I'd update.

DH's father was sexually abusive towards DH and DH's sisters. DH recognises and acknowledges this but the rest of the family turned and continue to turn a blind eye. The abuse was not anything as full on as sex, but involved touching inappropriately and DH generally had a feeling of the sexual and something being very wrong (and accordingly, being very frightened) from a tiny, tiny age (e.g. frightened to share a bed with his dad age 6 in case his dad took his pants off....). DH's mum (parents now divorced) continues to say that DH is mistaken about all this and his sisters both say "its not that big a deal... ". Dh thinks it is but has continued to have a relationship with his dad.

Anyway, while I was pregnant, we were in a real quandry as to whether DH's father should be allowed any pysical contact at all with the baby.

You wise ladies pretty much all said that no physical contact was a good idea and, ideally, no contact at all. At the time, DH and I both felt this was too "cruel".

So, cut to now.... you were all totally right and thank you so much for your wise words! Deaf-ish ears at the time but really, thank you.

We allowed DH's father to visit and hold DD when she was a few days old. DH felt so uncomfortable about it and felt that his father was not being appropriate etc, that we have since decided that his father should have no contact at all with DD. This has been confirmed by the fact that DH has now experienced fatherhood and as a result cannot beleive that his father should have acted the way he did. DH experiencing healthy fatherhood has confirmed to him how unhealthy his father was! DH's father reacted in an extraordinary way to DH's decision - he tried to be sexually inappropriate with DH again!!! DH is 29!!! As a result, DH has decided that he would like no further contact with his father as he feels that the constant anxiety about his father's reaction to not being allowed to see DD is, in fact, another way that his father is able to have control over him.

So..... in short. Thank you all and you were right... it just took us (DH in particular) a while to get there!!!

Thanks for your support. RubberDuck...only time will tell if I've got it right....but I hope I have. x

Hi MyHipsHurt...tbh I am proud of my DC's...but when they stay stuff - like sharing the money - I puff up looking fit to burst!

Glad your family were able to achieve the no contact you wanted legallyblond...under your circumstances I would think it a particularly huge relief.

Oh a PS to the update...

DH has hidden the card...I have no idea where it is and I know no amount of pleading from me will get him to give it to me for 'brooding' purposes - so for all intense and purpose it is gone for good.

PPS I couldn't shred...I have no shredder...we are once a year incinerators in our house.

MWD I'm really impressed with the way you handled that as a family.

Legallyblond i'm glad you have found a solution that works for you

My brother is 6 years older than me and he used to beat me up and throw my friends out of our house and all manner of horrible things to me when I was growing up. It got so bad that ss got involved and my dad had to tell him that he would throw my xbrother out of the house if it carried on as he did not want sis involved with our family and that my xbrother was 18 and was a man and should act like it. We have never got on. We have not talked for over 10 years. He will not talk to my husband as he is disabled and he has ignored my son and he does not want anything to do with my family. I just don?t want to know him or his family as well.

Last night my sister called me about my xbrother and his wife. Last week they had their first child: a boy called Evan. His Wife has PND and the doctor came out to see her and my sister told me that his wife has not stopped crying all week and that she was having trouble breastfeeding. His wife is 7 years younger than him. My sister wanted me to call her as she is younger than me, I have breastfeed for 2 years and I also have PND. She thinks it would be better if I talked to her as I?m closer to her age and she is struggling.

I said no I will not do that and I do not want anything to do with them and I will never see their child and that I do not consider them my family and I do not have to help her.

When I was ill and going through hell my xbrother and his wife were laughing at me to the rest of the family and was like serve you right for having a baby with a disabled man . They did not want to help me and were mean about it.

Now they are going through the same thing it?s not so funny anymore and I could help his wife but I will not as they do not deserve my help. If it was a strange I would help straight away but not them. I feel mean now for feeling like that. Today is my 4th wedding anniversary and I should be happy but instead I feel like the evil, mean person my xfamily think I am.

littleblueboat . :-) Firstly you are not evil ,mean person.

You have been hurt and let down by these people and as a result do not want any contact with them.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to protect yourself from further pain.

Toxics never quite get what theyve done until it happens to them.

Its called KARMA !.

Cant help but notice the timing of the contact

Stick the fingers to them and enjoy your wedding anniversary !
congratulations on being married 4 years ! hope you and mr lbb have a nice time today ! .

LBB, you do not owe your xbrother or wife anything. You are not responsible for her having problems. It is not for you to solve and it is certainly not your responsibility. You said exactly the right thing. There is other help out there that she can access - that's what health visitors are for.

Unfortunately this is the way that toxic families work, they are only interested when it's about them.

You are feeling bad about this because you are a nice person, but please try not to think about them anymore; you cut them out of your life for very very good reasons, which I totally understand. You are not there to be picked up and put down when it suits them, you are worth far more than that.

Hope you had a great anniversary and look forward to the future with your own little family - the one that actually matters. Stay strong.