Boyfriend just snapped, not sure how to handle it

[Babynothing]

Hi all
I'm new on the board and looking forward to talking to you all.

Basically I need some advice about an incident that happened on Saturday night.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years and living together for 2. There is a bit if an age gap (well I'm 32 and he is 25 so more than a bit really I suppose)
I really love him, think he is gorgeous, he makes me laugh like crazy etc. Things have been strained in the last year or so though as we bought a house (well he did, I'm not on the mortgage) and we don't have a lot of spare cash.

Trouble is he goes out with his friends usually every other weekend and is offically the worst drunk I've EVER met. Gets agressive, paranoid, is impossible to handle as he falls over in house, wakes up in middle of night and sleepwalks around drunk etc, it's really scary. He also can get really verbally abusive towards me, calls me awful names and so on.

Anyway long story short we both went out seperately on Saturday night but ended up in the same bar in town. We were both drunk and ended up arguing. I was probably being unreasonable but he goes out twice as much as me and I just wanted to enjoy a man free night drinking and dancing. We went home seperately and when we were both in house I decided to try and 'be nice' as my friend had come home with us. He kept making little comments about me though including 'I think I'm something special but I'm not'. After my friend left I was sitting on the couch and he got right up in my face saying nasty things and I;m ashamed to say I slapped him! It wasen't a hard slap but I still know it was wrong of me. Well he literally just went mental, grabbed hold of me and dragged me off the couch and threw me down on the floor in front of fireplace screaming abuse. I was utterly terrified (My ex boyfriend used to push me around, throw me on the floor and overpower me etc so it brought up some really scary memories). So i just crouched on the floor sobbing, he then came over, grabbed me again still screaming at me and pulled me back across the room and flung me back on the couch. He then tried to grab me again but I started screaming and lashing out so he backed off. Instead he resorted to throwing cushions at me and telling me he hated me whilst I curled up crying (I was UTTERLY hysterical). He then started mimicking my crying and basically mocking me, then he just left the room, went to bed and I slept on the couch.

In the morning he went out and didn't come back all day, we literally haven't spoken apart from to say the most essential things. I don't even know how to approch it or what to say. Reading what I've typed he sounds like a bloody pig but he isin't in lots of ways, he just has issues and I certainly didn't help by slapping him.
I'm just scared that now he has grabbed me once he will do it again, my ex didn't lay a finger on me for the first 2 years but once he started it was like a switch just flipped and he did it frequently afterwards.

God sorry that was long, thanks is advance to anyone who survives reading until the end of it and is kind enough to reply.

If he's hit you like this, yes, he will do it again. He's a violent drunk. Bollocks to his 'issues', whatever horrors may have happened to him in the past, he is not entitled to take out his stresses by attacking you.
You don't mention children, I hope you don't have any with this man. What you need to do is leave him as soon as possible. The only circumstances under which it would be safe for you to 'give him another chance' would be if he stopped drinking. Today. And started getting counselling for his violent behaviour. But the odds of him doing that are about the same as the odds of you winning the Lottery.
Unfortunately as you are not married and your name is not on the mortgage (clever of him to arrange things like that. Are you payin part of the mortgage? If so, have you got bank statements etc showing this) it might be difficult to get any money/equity from the home.

He will do it again. Get yourself out of there as soon as you possibly can. Can you stay with a friend or relative for a while until you can get something sorted out.

QUIT

I know it will hurt, what about the good times, etc ... but there is just too much damage in this man. It'll hurt a hell of a lot more later, if you give him "a chance".

QUIT

Go find yourself someone who isn't an abusive borderline alsoholic with violent tendencies.

QUIT

While you've still got friends and your sense of yourself.

My advice? ... quit.

This is scarily similar to my relationship history.

Please leave him.

If he owns the house and you don't have DCs together (I'm assuming?) you have no ties so can leave now and cut him out of your life.

Reading what I've typed he sounds like a bloody pig but he isin't in lots of ways, he just has issues and I certainly didn't help by slapping him.

Your above phrase really bothers me, you're defending his behaviour.

This is your second abusive relationship. Get rid of him, be single and focus on yourself. Seeing a cousellor might really help you to get the core of why you got involved with these men.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy, I'm very much speaking from my own experience. Good luck :)

Yeah, he doesn't really like you

There's no excuse for behaving like that, even if you're drunk

How can you even look at him after he's been like that to you?

Wow thanks for the fast replies guys, really appreciated.

SCGB- No we don't have any children. I pay towards mortgage, bills etc when I can but not every month (I'm self employed and my income can be VERY up and down) I also put money towards food, house hold items etc. I'm not on the mortgage as the adviser said it would be inadvisable as I've only been self employed a year and I have dreadful credit history.

If he had any real 'Issues' I would understand but he comes from a lovely family who adore him and yet is still always angry at the world. He has dreadful anger issues, he has been in jail for assualt when he was 18 and he's never really made any attempts to deal with his problems. As I say he is also an horrific drunk yet carries on drinking to excess even though he knows what a dick it turns him into and how much it upsets me. Last year on his birthday he got that hammered he came home, fell down the stairs and hospitalised himself and even that didn't shock him into stopping.
Sometimes I feel like maybye he wants to sabotage our relationship on some subconcious level. We have been getting on the best in ages the last couple of weeks yet last Sunday he went out with his friends, came home drunk and was really nasty to me. Giving me the 'You think your something special, you think I'm stupid' speech (It is his reoccuring theme when he is drunk).

God the more I read what I'm typing the more I'm actually cringing at it all. I'm starting to think that maybye much as I love him and want to look after him I really need to detach. He needs to grow up and at the moment I think I am enabling his ridiculous behaviour by putting up with it.

I am sorry you have had this experience.

This is a wake up call.
You need to split from him.
There is no point remembering all the good times. It sounds like he regularly calls you names and now things have escalated.
I'm sorry but you need think about leaving.

you cant allow this, you've already left an abusive relationship and you know thís is just the begining and he will keep hurting you. To be honest he has been abusing you mentally and emotionally throughout your relationship, he's just taken it to the next level. Get out now!

OP, he may be younger than you but you can't look after him. He is an adult and yes, I think you are enabling him to be honest.

Don't beat yourself up about this though, remember the abusive times not the good times and leave!

AnnVeronica I sometimes feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall with the drinking thing. I would never ask him to give up alchohol, all I've asked is that he please learns to moderate his drinking so he isin;t consuming as much drink as his 14 stones mates on nights out when he's 4 stones lighter than them.
It's gotton to the point where I am utterly, utterly sick of it. My heart sinks everytime he goes on a night out because I'm terrified what state he is coming home in. If he was willing to do something about it then that would be something but he just doesn't take it seriously.

My mistake maybye for going for someone much younger than me. I literally can't believe he attacked me like he did though. I NEVER thought he would do something like that and not even have an apology to offer afterwards. Especially when he knows that me ex used to do the same so it's something that is guaranteed to utterly terrify me.

I think I am going to have to look into getting a place of my own, my parents have money they have kindly offered to put towards a rented flat for me. It's such a mess, I feel sorry for them, I'm 32 and still ending up in disasterous relationships. Me and boyfriend got engaged 2 years ago and my mam was sooooooooo pround, now we've called it all off because I know my boyfriend isin't emotionally mature enought to marry. God what a mess I've managed to make of things.

GET OUT NOW!!! Nothing good ever comes of these relationships, just more hurt (emotional or physical). A friend of mine stayed...and it just got worse. Drink is NEVER an excuse!! He could be Mr Perfect sometimes...but it is not worth facing the Mr Aggressive!!

'You think your something special, you think I'm stupid'

That actually means "I know that you are something special, I know that I am stupid and I know that you are too good for me and that one day you will realise this and leave, so I am punishing you now for what you will do to me in the future"

His fear of losing you is causing him to say that and he doesnt see that it a self fulfilling prophecy.

I agree that once he has flipped he will find it much easier to do it again. Your slap was not acceptable, however had he just slapped you back then it would have been 6 of you and half a dozen of him, this was not a fair fight.

Leave and take time out to find yourself so that you dont end up with yet another abusive man.

I echo the others. He will do it again I'm afraid. This is a man who can control neither his drink nor his temper.

Wow Bogeyface that is precisely what my mam has said when I've told her about the things he says. She says that it isin't me who thinks I'm something special it's him and that he's terrified of not measuring up. So that's why he goes on the way he does (not that she is excusing him, she has actually said that I need to have a very long, hard think about if I want to stay with him after this)

I don't even understand where it comes from, I would never cheat on him, always tell him how lovely to looking he is, how he can do anything in life that he puts his mind to etc yet it just isin't enough.
He is also dreadfully jealous, he went mad at me in a bar a few months ago because a guy I vaugely knew kept looking over and 'smirking' (apparantly). He just immediately got it into his head that I had slept with him at some point (I hadn't) and it ruined the night.

His ex girlfriend cheated on him and it's turned him into a paranoid mess basically but I think there comes a time when you just have to bloody well get over things quite frankly!

The cheating ex is always what an abuser cites .... it is a control mechanism! " I was wronged...therefore I act this way" It is an excuse for bad behaviour that abusers refer to, to make you feel sorry for them (or feel like it is your fault). Hitting from either person is not right but this sounds like the classic.."I do this because..." type of problem. Don't get drawn in, if he has problem due to his past they are just that..HIS problem. You need to remove yourself while he seeks help. If he really wants to be with you he needs to agree to get help with his anger and you need to be away from him as he does this.

Sounds like you're mam's getting through - thank goodness.

What is all this crap about he's been hurt before, his family love him, yadda yadda? Are you supposed to be his girlfriend or his therapist? In what way does it benefit you to sit and 'understand' him while he wrecks the house, calls you shit and beats you up?

You need a break, Baby. While you're on it, give some real thought to what kind of man would enhance your life (and how you can enhance your own).

Found somewhere to stay yet?

you're = your. I hate that!

Where are you? Do you need any nearby help?

A violent, jealous, insecure drunk?

Get out while you can still hobble. Don't look back. Cut all ties. There is nothing to look forward to from him but more of the same.

His 'problems' are his own to fix. There is no love sufficient for someone who hates himself. You can't cure him of that.

Lucky you, you have no children and your name isn't on the mortgage. Hurrah for bad credit.

God what a mess I've managed to make of things.

OP, how is this your fault? This is a victim mentality - get out now and be thankful that you're not another few years down the line with broken ribs and missing teeth. Be kind to yourself, you haven't made a mess of things, someone is doing this to you, you don't deserve it and you can put a stop to it.

Walk away, no kids? no mortgage? No fucking problem.

Just pack up your shit and go.

You would be dumb to stay with him, don't be dumb and don't be posting on here in a few years with a black eye and a couple of broken ribs and saying 'I can't leave him, what about the kids?'.

Just go.

Sorry, I agree with everyone else.

Get out before you are tied to this man. He is abusive, he is not going to change.

You know what, I have seen so many threads on here where the posters write, "He is a good man, he is a lovely person, great dad. Just when he drinks he is horrible".

A good man, a caring man does not belittle his partner, seek to control her, verbally and physically abuse her.

If he knows that alcohol makes him abusive and nasty, then a good man would not drink to excess.