Boyfriend just snapped, not sure how to handle it

[Babynothing]

Hi all
I'm new on the board and looking forward to talking to you all.

Basically I need some advice about an incident that happened on Saturday night.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years and living together for 2. There is a bit if an age gap (well I'm 32 and he is 25 so more than a bit really I suppose)
I really love him, think he is gorgeous, he makes me laugh like crazy etc. Things have been strained in the last year or so though as we bought a house (well he did, I'm not on the mortgage) and we don't have a lot of spare cash.

Trouble is he goes out with his friends usually every other weekend and is offically the worst drunk I've EVER met. Gets agressive, paranoid, is impossible to handle as he falls over in house, wakes up in middle of night and sleepwalks around drunk etc, it's really scary. He also can get really verbally abusive towards me, calls me awful names and so on.

Anyway long story short we both went out seperately on Saturday night but ended up in the same bar in town. We were both drunk and ended up arguing. I was probably being unreasonable but he goes out twice as much as me and I just wanted to enjoy a man free night drinking and dancing. We went home seperately and when we were both in house I decided to try and 'be nice' as my friend had come home with us. He kept making little comments about me though including 'I think I'm something special but I'm not'. After my friend left I was sitting on the couch and he got right up in my face saying nasty things and I;m ashamed to say I slapped him! It wasen't a hard slap but I still know it was wrong of me. Well he literally just went mental, grabbed hold of me and dragged me off the couch and threw me down on the floor in front of fireplace screaming abuse. I was utterly terrified (My ex boyfriend used to push me around, throw me on the floor and overpower me etc so it brought up some really scary memories). So i just crouched on the floor sobbing, he then came over, grabbed me again still screaming at me and pulled me back across the room and flung me back on the couch. He then tried to grab me again but I started screaming and lashing out so he backed off. Instead he resorted to throwing cushions at me and telling me he hated me whilst I curled up crying (I was UTTERLY hysterical). He then started mimicking my crying and basically mocking me, then he just left the room, went to bed and I slept on the couch.

In the morning he went out and didn't come back all day, we literally haven't spoken apart from to say the most essential things. I don't even know how to approch it or what to say. Reading what I've typed he sounds like a bloody pig but he isin't in lots of ways, he just has issues and I certainly didn't help by slapping him.
I'm just scared that now he has grabbed me once he will do it again, my ex didn't lay a finger on me for the first 2 years but once he started it was like a switch just flipped and he did it frequently afterwards.

God sorry that was long, thanks is advance to anyone who survives reading until the end of it and is kind enough to reply.

babynothing, you have not posted yet today, Are you okay?

Hello
Yes I am okay thank you, just so busy at work had no time to reply yet. Will post later on when I get in. Thank you so much for all your kind replies.

Babynothing - pack up and go. Do it while you are young enough to start again, meet someone new and have kids (if you want to). Do it while you know what he is doing it wrong, do it before he really loses it with you. Can you commute to work from your parents house? If not, a friends, work colleague? Look for a flat from there.

He wont change & his age has nothing to do with it.

Get out now, but do it when he's not there.

please tell me why you are still with this childish, jealous, insecure loser?
because that's what he is
seriously, walk out the door before you get pregnant, because that will be his next suggestion to tie you to him.
you are only 32, 10 years to meet your life partner and father of your children (if that is what you want) but this guy is not him. imagine what he would be like as a dad. i am glad your mum is talking sense and will help you financially to leave, but just move in with friends/parents for a bit if need be. do not allow this guy to treat you like that.

oh and btw in a relationship where you are 4 years in, 2 years living together it is not normal for you/him to be going out twice a week and getting hammered with friends. how much quality time or nights out together do you have? LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE please.

Whilst he feels he has done nothing wrong the best thing you can do is leave. Whilst it is hard when you feel so much for him, in the long run it will be bes for you. He clearly needs help but unless he recognises that he won't change. How long will it be before he actually strikes you and you end up the battered woman?

I hate sounding knee jerk but GO. NOW. He will do this again. OK, you shouldn't have slapped him but he should not have responded as he did, no matter what he provocation. He obviously has a problem. Having got out of a nasty relationship before don't let yourself become trapped in this one. If you are not on the mortgage I assume no financial ties so pack a bag and leave. Whatever excuses he has for his behaviour none are acceptable and if you let this go once you will be setting a dangerous precedent. Agree with fabbychic - if he doesn't think it's a problem he will never change. Good luck x

Please go. (As everyone else has said.)

If a stranger in the street did this to you you'd be talking to the police

Having lived with a drunk who was abusive, often telling me 'you think you're perfect' before having some sort of outburst, after I'd spent the majority of 4 years cleaning up his sleep-walk-wees etc. etc it ended when he threatened to murder me and my dd in bed if i didn't 'shut up'

Honest to god now I am so angry with myself for allowing him to treat me this way for so long.

It only ever ends one way

Get out now. He is a danger to you and any future children you might have.

I had one of those kinds of drunks. I lived with him for five years. When I think back to how much I put up with I shudder. The best thing I ever did was walk out, that was three years ago and I have a wonderful man who likes a drink but never ever gets out of control.
Now I can go to parties and know my OH won't show me up/frighten me/frighten someone else; he can go out and I know he'll be lovely when he gets home. Normal stuff that normal people do.
Get out now, you will look back and realise quite how much you put up with and most importantly how wrong it all is.
Trust me, it will never get better, and it's likely to get much worse.

why are abusive men all the same? it really baffles me that they read like a script. I used to think my ex was unique. i wish i knew my stuff years ago...and mumsnet. mumsnet holds your hand all the way through.

Hi again all
Firstly I just want to say again thank you for all your replies, I'm really overwhelmed by how many people have taken the time out to post to me, I honestly didn't expect it.

Well I talked to boyfriend tonight and It wasen't what you would call a sucess! He says that I slapped him a lot harder than I had thought (I cut the inside of his cheek apparantly). He also says that he was furious with me for being such a bitch to him in the pub before we came home. He says he knows he shouldn't have done it but that I shouldn't have slapped him and that if you antagonise a drunken, angry man you can't be suprised if he turns on you. I pointed out that it was an especially horrible esperience for me because my ex used to do the same. He asked me if I thought it was a coincidence that 2 men in a row have acted like that with me? Or was I doing something to trigger that sort of behaviour by shouting/slapping them etc. He admitted that he was furious with me for the way I had acted in the pub and that he wanted to frighten me.

So basically he is pretty unremorseful all round, In fact I would say I probably feel worse for slapping him in the first place.

Of course I know he is saying PRECISELY what abusive or potentially abusive men say but there is that voice in my head thinking maybye he has a point? No he shouldn't have acted like he did but also I shouldn't have slapped him.
It's a really hard one to deal with, I know he has anger issues (as do I ) and that I need to move out for both our sakes really but what if I am over-reacting? He actually laughed in derision when I suggested he might do it again and I honestly don't think that he will. But then again I would never have thought he would do something like this in the first place. It isin't a nice feeling knowing that your partner of 4 years probably partially hates you. I am so useless at realtionships, I'm going to stop obesessing about marriage/having children from now on and just live for myself. Men always turn out to be such dicks in the end.

Whew that was a long one, apologies ladies (and gents)

Just leave him. Go, while you are relatively unscathed.

Please.

I think you're unlucky in your choice of men more. You're not useless, just not found a good man. Get rid of this one as he's not even repentant that he hurt you. It definitely will happen again.

what did you do inthe pub which was apparently so awful?

and shame on him for turning it on you.

I'm gonna be controversial here

If he had slapped you back in retaliation I would be so judgemental but tossing you on couches into the fireplace ..he's a psycho?

I agree Delia, I would much rather he had slapped me back in annoyance that dragged me about the room in a protracted attempt to scare me as much as possible. Sadly he seems to hold the opinion of quite a few men that if it isin't hitting it doesn't count.

I was quite horrid to him in the pub to be honest, I had had a stressful night with my friend crying hysterically for most of it. Then my boyf turned up in same pub when I just wanted a night out drinking and dancing with my friend and it all just suddenly got to me bigtime for some reason. Plus my boyfriend was drunk and can be a bit funny sometimes as mentioned before so it just stressed me out hugely. I could have ran a mile from my friend and him, dunno who was annoying me more! I guess I have some real issues of my own to deal with.

Something he said that made me FURIOUS was I asked him how he would feel if his dad did the same to him mam as he had done to me? (He totally adores his mam) His reply was it would never happen in first place as his mam would never slap his dad!!!!!!!!!! God I practically bit my tounge in two keeping a grip of myself.

He asked me if I thought it was a coincidence that 2 men in a row have acted like that with me?
That is why you need to leave. When he isn't drunk, when you are trying to work it out, this is his mindset. What do you think it sounds like in his head when he is roaring drunk? What happens if you have kids with him? What if you get trapped?

Please, get out now.

babynothing, he has done exactly what everyone on here said he would. He has put the blame on you. My ex hit me and when i got into my current relationship i lashed out but he never retaliated. (I am so ashamed of this and havent did anything like that for years). I understand you have been together for years but he wont get better he'll get worse. Please dont accept this!

he has all tendencies there he just needs alchohol to inhibit him

leave now!!!

he seems to hold the opinion of quite a few men that if it isin't hitting it doesn't count.

Please read that back to yourself and know that that will be your life if you stay with this man...

I notice he is laying the blame at your feet, only he himself is responsible for his (re)actions.

Please leave this man! What are you waiting around for? For him to do more serious damage?

'It's a really hard one to deal with'

No, no its not.

If you stay with this man and bring children into this already fucked up relationship then shame on you.

If you want to stay and put up with this shit then fine, that is your call but for the love of God don't subject a kid who has no power and no choices to this.

If you stay you are an idiot.

Idiot Morloth? A little harsh there possibly, although definately to the point.

Just to confirm to anyone worrying I have no children and have absolutely no intention of having any at any point soon. I realise fully that it would be the worst idea in the world to have them at this point in my life. Just as I realise that staying in the same house as my boyfriend is not an acceptable situation the way things are. I am fully intending to move out, I am not a fool and I realise completely that the situation in unworkable. At the current moment I don't feel threatened by my boyfriend (annoyed and enraged yes but actually threatened no) and if anything happens where I think things might get inflamed (i.e he goes out with friends for the night which I am fully anticipating he will do at the weekend as it is his birthday) I will go to my parents house or stay with a friend.

you should feel threatened. and you can't fix him so get out while you can.

Yes, an idiot.

Only an idiot would stay with someone they have no financial or family ties to if they know that person is a violent drunk.

I get women who are trapped by kids and dependance and lack of funds, I feel for them deeply and understand why they may well decide to stay even though I want to scream at them to run.

You I don't get, you owe this guy nothing, you have no real ties to him, but you are choosing to put up with it, that is so bloody stupid I can't quite get my head around it TBH. What is in it for you?

They don't change, they don't get better, they get worse and worse.

He asked me if I thought it was a coincidence that 2 men in a row have acted like that with me? Or was I doing something to trigger that sort of behaviour

And yet you don't think he'll batter you again? He's just told you that he will! He said it was your fault, he said that he wanted to frighten you because of how you acted in the pub (so, before the slap), he said that a drunken man will inevitably get physical, but he won't stop drinking, and he said that you have caused men to become violent before.

I don't know how much clearer he could be. He is telling you in very short, easy to understand sentences, that he will continue to hit you.