Boyfriend just snapped, not sure how to handle it

[Babynothing]

Hi all
I'm new on the board and looking forward to talking to you all.

Basically I need some advice about an incident that happened on Saturday night.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years and living together for 2. There is a bit if an age gap (well I'm 32 and he is 25 so more than a bit really I suppose)
I really love him, think he is gorgeous, he makes me laugh like crazy etc. Things have been strained in the last year or so though as we bought a house (well he did, I'm not on the mortgage) and we don't have a lot of spare cash.

Trouble is he goes out with his friends usually every other weekend and is offically the worst drunk I've EVER met. Gets agressive, paranoid, is impossible to handle as he falls over in house, wakes up in middle of night and sleepwalks around drunk etc, it's really scary. He also can get really verbally abusive towards me, calls me awful names and so on.

Anyway long story short we both went out seperately on Saturday night but ended up in the same bar in town. We were both drunk and ended up arguing. I was probably being unreasonable but he goes out twice as much as me and I just wanted to enjoy a man free night drinking and dancing. We went home seperately and when we were both in house I decided to try and 'be nice' as my friend had come home with us. He kept making little comments about me though including 'I think I'm something special but I'm not'. After my friend left I was sitting on the couch and he got right up in my face saying nasty things and I;m ashamed to say I slapped him! It wasen't a hard slap but I still know it was wrong of me. Well he literally just went mental, grabbed hold of me and dragged me off the couch and threw me down on the floor in front of fireplace screaming abuse. I was utterly terrified (My ex boyfriend used to push me around, throw me on the floor and overpower me etc so it brought up some really scary memories). So i just crouched on the floor sobbing, he then came over, grabbed me again still screaming at me and pulled me back across the room and flung me back on the couch. He then tried to grab me again but I started screaming and lashing out so he backed off. Instead he resorted to throwing cushions at me and telling me he hated me whilst I curled up crying (I was UTTERLY hysterical). He then started mimicking my crying and basically mocking me, then he just left the room, went to bed and I slept on the couch.

In the morning he went out and didn't come back all day, we literally haven't spoken apart from to say the most essential things. I don't even know how to approch it or what to say. Reading what I've typed he sounds like a bloody pig but he isin't in lots of ways, he just has issues and I certainly didn't help by slapping him.
I'm just scared that now he has grabbed me once he will do it again, my ex didn't lay a finger on me for the first 2 years but once he started it was like a switch just flipped and he did it frequently afterwards.

God sorry that was long, thanks is advance to anyone who survives reading until the end of it and is kind enough to reply.

You obviously don't love, like or respect him, not really or you wouldn't have slapped him. And he obviously doesn't love, like or respect you for the same reasons. This is now a mutually abusive relationship and it's dead in the water. You live in fear because of his personality, and that is not living. Take the wise, wise words of the ladies here, and start making arrangements to get out - today. Ring your parents and tell them you need a bed for a couple of nights - unless they're very odd they'll not see you stay with a violent drunk. Get up, get out, get home. You can do this, you really can.

Hi Babynothing,

I would have to concur with the other posters here; you must leave him asap before he puts you in hospital or you end up calling the police because of his violent behaivour. And it will happen again just as night follows day.

He is not your project to either rescue and or save here. Also he coming from a "happy family unit" does not come into it either. Maybe you somehow i.e subconsciously thought you could save him from his own demons. Wrong on all counts by the way.

I would also agree with the comment made by a previous respondent to you:-
"This is your second abusive relationship. Get rid of him, be single and focus on yourself. Seeing a cousellor might really help you to get the core of why you got involved with these men".

This could therefore be becoming a pattern with you and you could be now at real risk of having a third abusive relationship. Work on your own self through counselling and learn how to avoid such abusers. I would urge you to talk to Womens Aid and get yourself onto their Freedom Programme.

Re your own comment:-

"God what a mess I've managed to make of things".

I reckon you thought the same during your previous abusive relationship as well?. This is victim mentality, how is any of this your fault exactly?.

Jealousy and low self esteem are inextricably linked; get out now before he does you any more emotional or physical damage.

Agree with everyone else.

And the drink must never be allowed to be used as an excuse. Dp likes a drink, (and I push him out the door on a Friday with his spending money so I get to lie on the sofa and watch crap while eating nutella straight from the jar) He comes home absolutely scuttered and if I'm still awake, is the daftest eejit you could ever find. Like a big slobby incoherent poodle. A man who is violent when he is drunk is also violent when he'snot. Because it's still in him, waiting for him to lose his inhibitions.

You know what they say; what's said when drunk has been thought of beforehand.

Oh please leave - I have been here myself and it gets no better all that changes is you have more ties; financial and emotional to stop you from leaving.

What would you tell me if I was in your situation and was your sister or friend? I know the answer - you know the answer

I did not leave quick enough and was strangled in front of my children (as well as other shit) .... the oldest one still talks about it now.

Please get out right now.

Drink is no excuse-leave.

Babynothing - I am a man, and I unfortunately have known in my time a couple of "men" just like your current partner. Lovely, lovely blokes, treated their girlfriends like princesses - until drunk.

Unfortunately, the pattern was the same with all of them. The verbal abuse started when drunk, then it crept in to everyday life. Then the physical abuse started when drunk, and yes, that too found it's way into "normality". They each made their partners lives a misery.

He will not change. You are not tied to him financially or otherwise. Get out, fast. Don't be afraid to tell him why, but equally don't fall for any sob stories and let him sweet talk you round. Leave. Good luck.

My Dad always said 'A drunk man speaks a sober man's mind'.

Very wise my Dad.

If the thoughts/feelings were not there then they couldn't come out when drunk could they? They are still there when he is sober, but he can control it.

DH gets drunk sometimes, he gets a bit louder, a bit sillier and laughs a lot. And tells me he loves me, again and again and again. See the difference there?

Yes, leave, he won't change and will undoubtedly get worse, this is supposed to be the' honeymoon period'

Sounds like the ex I had to move town to get away from before he killed me.

Look love, you know the script already

A very significant boundary has been crossed

You cannot rescue this man. He will bring you down. Who cares if he has been cheated on in the past and is a mess of paranoia ? How is that your fault, and just how much verbal and physical abuse are you prepared to tolerate to bolster his fragile ego?

Get out now, while you still have some shreds of self respect.

you cant help or save someone who doesnt want saving. You can only be responsible for yourself, and look after yourself. It will get worse, and I think you know that. Your mum doesnt want to tell you to leave, she wants you to make up your own mind, and make your own choice, but she sure as hell wants you out of there.... They have even offered you money to help.

ONce you have left, do seek some counselling. Two abusers in a row mean there is something in you that needs a bit of attention, a boundary that needs rebuilding so that you a) can spot a dickhead a mile off and refuse to engage with him and b) you don't give off that air of vulnerabilty that unfortunately draws abusers in. Do the best thing you can for yourself which is to commit to staying single for a year.
Good luck. DOn;t waste another second on this fuckwitted drunken thug, he's not your responsibility and he can either sort himself out or end up in prison/flattened by some other drunken thug who's bigger than him.

From my experience the first two years they are bahaving fairly well and then you start to see the real person. I understand what you are goin through and ended up with 2 violent men. they get worse the longer you stay and put up with it. Everyone who has posted here is so right. Get out now before you end up with a broken nose and 2 black eyes. ...seriously. He needs help and has real anger issues and a fowl temper. He is a nasty piece of work and you do not deserve to suffer at the hands of this man . He is immature and when you leave him he will do it all to the next innocent female....2 yrs down the line. (Of course on his best behaviour for the first year or two)
Dont be a doormat and let him treat you like this. You are a good person and have done nothing wrong. understandably you slapper him cos he was right in your face shouting at you. That does not give him any excuse to be violent towards a female.
You cant change someone elses behaviour you can only change your own... and thats a fact . If he comes back drunk again then clear out and stay at your mums or somewhere. Keep you distance until he is sober. Make serious plans to move out. Wishing you luck and stay strong. You deserve far better. xx

6 lines down I meant Slap not slapper.....sorry !

His age has nothing to do with it.

Your age gap is exactly the same as mine and dhs. He was 19 when we moved in together. I got punch him in the face and he still would not hit me. Your boyfriend beat you around because he wanted to.

You don't love him. You love the nice bits. You are treating the drunk behaviour as if it is not part of who he is. It is exactly who he is.
He has just shown you who he is. The love you feel is the longing for the person hevwould be if he didn't bully and degrade you. But he dies bully and degrade you. So the person you love exists only in your imagination or on a good day.

Don't let your romantic notions of the person he could be if he were different - if you could save him - blind you.

Honestly. You have been given a hit. He has shown you who he really is. Take that knowledge and run.

I could punch him. Not anything else.
I would never hit/ punch anyone.

Hi Babyniothing - GET OUT OF THERE ASAP! It will happen again maybe not immediately but it will. Have you childern from another realtaionship? If so think about them... they do not need to hear/see their Mum been hit/abused/. Please please for them and you just GET OUT and get some counselling so you can start a new relationship pattern.

much as I love him and want to look after him I really need to detach. He needs to grow up and at the moment I think I am enabling his ridiculous behaviour by putting up with it.

Yes you do. You really do. I really hope you can do it.

You are in a very unhealthy relationship and both of you have resorted to violence rather than communicating.

There is no way this relationship will make you happy in the long term and every week you are still there means you are delaying the chance to be in a healthy relationship.

I recommend you have some counselling and work out what a healthy relationship looks like - I couldn't love someone who drinks like this - all respect would be gone.

Agreed that his age has nothing to do with it. I'm 33 and my boyfriend is 25 and he'd never raise a hand to me, drunk or not.

You've read all the replies. Now do something about it. You're not on the mortgage, you don't have any responsibilities towards this man. Get out. He's a dick.

DH was 20 when I met him, 22 when we married, and he would never hit me either

I spent eight years with a man who had 'anger management ishoos' and did this kind of thing whenever he was very drunk. I justified staying with him because when he wasn't drunk and aggressive he was wonderful, funny, clever, sensitive etc., (aren't they all?) and because he never actually hit me.

So I told myself it wasn't really that bad. But it was - it was awful.

Living for years with the fear of being hit was horrible. And it meant he wielded a power over me. It made me frightened of confrontation, afraid to speak out or show anger at anything. I walked on eggshells every time I knew he was stewing about something because he was so volatile and it was very very frightening at times. I was periodically grabbed my the hair, pushed into walls, had things thrown at me, (a whole armchair once ) been locked out of the house, pelted with eggs, vedrbally abused and insulted, threatened with a knife, had a fist held to my face etc etc....many many times.

And the first couple of times I tried to leave he threatened to harm himself, went missing for a few days, had everyone running around in a flap - he was just a great big drama queen really. He basically just had no control over his emotions and his anger. When I found myself unexpectedly PG at 21 I had a termination because I knew there was no way I could bring a child into an environment like that. But he could be really lovely, and I often think back and remember the great things about him. And then I remember how bad it was when it was bad, and I know things would never have changed, because I had allowed a pattern to form where his insecurities and frustrations and jealousy were taken out on me - and he exerted control over me through abject fear, and my need to keep a respectable veneer on things to the outside world meant that I would not make too much of a fuss.

I'm sorry but I don't think your BF is going to change in a hurry. Now he's done this once, he will find it easier to do it again, and so long as he doesn't actually hit you he will be justifying his behaviour to himself as nothing more than passionate arguments that get a bit out of hand, rather than bullying and abuse. I am absolutely sure that had I had a baby and stayed with my first DH he would have hit me eventually due to the increased pressures.

They may grow up and grow out of it in time, but do you have that time?

I was only 22 when I eventually left him, so I had loads of time, but you are 32 and maybe ready to start thinking about a family. Do you want to spend the next few years living on a knife edge, or looking for someone who is a proper man, capable of behaving like a responsible decent grow-up?

"I know that you are something special, I know that I am stupid and I know that you are too good for me and that one day you will realise this and leave, so I am punishing you now for what you will do to me in the future"

YES!! So, so right.

His age has nothing to do with it - if he was 45 and you were 20 he would still be doing it.

Your age though - well you should be getting to the point where you realise that you deserve to be treated well and be happy and that "fixer-upper" boyfriends are for mugs.

You don't want to let another five years pass until you realise the hopelessness of being with drunken, tantrumming, insecure losers and end up searching for someone to have a child with when you are nearly 40.

Or worse, have a child with someone like him and end up exposing them to his behaviour as well as yourself.

you need to leave