Boyfriend just snapped, not sure how to handle it

[Babynothing]

Hi all
I'm new on the board and looking forward to talking to you all.

Basically I need some advice about an incident that happened on Saturday night.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years and living together for 2. There is a bit if an age gap (well I'm 32 and he is 25 so more than a bit really I suppose)
I really love him, think he is gorgeous, he makes me laugh like crazy etc. Things have been strained in the last year or so though as we bought a house (well he did, I'm not on the mortgage) and we don't have a lot of spare cash.

Trouble is he goes out with his friends usually every other weekend and is offically the worst drunk I've EVER met. Gets agressive, paranoid, is impossible to handle as he falls over in house, wakes up in middle of night and sleepwalks around drunk etc, it's really scary. He also can get really verbally abusive towards me, calls me awful names and so on.

Anyway long story short we both went out seperately on Saturday night but ended up in the same bar in town. We were both drunk and ended up arguing. I was probably being unreasonable but he goes out twice as much as me and I just wanted to enjoy a man free night drinking and dancing. We went home seperately and when we were both in house I decided to try and 'be nice' as my friend had come home with us. He kept making little comments about me though including 'I think I'm something special but I'm not'. After my friend left I was sitting on the couch and he got right up in my face saying nasty things and I;m ashamed to say I slapped him! It wasen't a hard slap but I still know it was wrong of me. Well he literally just went mental, grabbed hold of me and dragged me off the couch and threw me down on the floor in front of fireplace screaming abuse. I was utterly terrified (My ex boyfriend used to push me around, throw me on the floor and overpower me etc so it brought up some really scary memories). So i just crouched on the floor sobbing, he then came over, grabbed me again still screaming at me and pulled me back across the room and flung me back on the couch. He then tried to grab me again but I started screaming and lashing out so he backed off. Instead he resorted to throwing cushions at me and telling me he hated me whilst I curled up crying (I was UTTERLY hysterical). He then started mimicking my crying and basically mocking me, then he just left the room, went to bed and I slept on the couch.

In the morning he went out and didn't come back all day, we literally haven't spoken apart from to say the most essential things. I don't even know how to approch it or what to say. Reading what I've typed he sounds like a bloody pig but he isin't in lots of ways, he just has issues and I certainly didn't help by slapping him.
I'm just scared that now he has grabbed me once he will do it again, my ex didn't lay a finger on me for the first 2 years but once he started it was like a switch just flipped and he did it frequently afterwards.

God sorry that was long, thanks is advance to anyone who survives reading until the end of it and is kind enough to reply.

Please please leave, as soon as you can. My ex-dp started like this, and I went through hell before I finally saw straight and ran; luckily I managed to keep the physical damage to a couple of broken fingers.

He has told you that he WILL hit you again, and if you do stay, he WILL see this as permission to treat you in any way he sees fit.

He has used the time you have spent together and has slowlybut surely emotionally conditioned you into believing that his juvenile, temper tantruming, insecure freak-outs are your fault. They are not; no decent person behaves like this.

Please - run.

You need to leave.

And separately, you both need to curtail your drinking severely (even better, stop altogether), as it is clear both of you behave badly when drunk.

A decent shag isn't worth being subject to drunken violence.

Leave.

Babynothing,

RE your comment:-
"I am so useless at realtionships, I'm going to stop obesessing about marriage/having children from now on and just live for myself. Men always turn out to be such dicks in the end".

Why do you think you are so "useless" at relationships exactly?.
What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Did your Dad hit your Mum?.

Why have you ended up with another man who like your ex has turned violent against you?. Why do you think that is; part of this lies with you as well.

Your man has now given himself permission to hit you again, he's told you as much. He will continue to verbally abuse you as well. Such abusive men always use the "you provoked me" excuse as justification for their actions, there is no justification at all for violence.

Your last sentence in your above comment is so fatuous I could weep. Its the men you're currently picking that turn out to be such dicks in the end; why are you ending up with LoserBoy?.

The only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is NONE. That's right, NONE.

He could well put you in hospital in the end, if not in a coffin. Two women in the UK on average every week die at the hands of their partner or ex, don't think that couldn't happen to you.

Hmmm. This is not some romantic tempestuous Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor scenario - it is an already somewhat toxic relationship that has run its course. Don't let it drift on into a violent abusive marriage with damaged children. Trust me - all relationships, all men, ARE NOT LIKE THIS. It is not an inevitability.

He is right - you should not have slapped him. You both need to grow up. And let's suppose that he is perhaps he is a tiny bit right again when he says it is not a coincidence that this has happened to you before. Maybe you wind him up and wind him up until he snaps. But even if that is true - it's NO EXCUSE to carry on in the relationship. It's clearly dysfunctional no matter who is ultimately at fault.

But for him to say you deserved what you got by antagonising an angry drunken man is one MASSIVE alarm bell going off for me, and it should be for you.

Just how are you supposed to know in future what qualifies as antagonising him? Not having the dinner just right? Chatting to the new good looking next door neighbour for three minutes too long? What?

You sound articulate and intelligent. I suspect he finds you threatening and is belittled by you, because he is not as quick witted and cannot win an argument verbally? So he flies into a frustrated rage. All this stuff about you thinking you are special - he already holds you in contempt. Honestly - where there is contempt the relationship will go nowhere but downhill.

Richard Burton was a drunken mysogynistic arse as well.

OP- glad you came back, glad you are OK, glad you are taking this on board.

A few years down the line, you'll be posting advice to other women telling them how you got out of a violent relationship.

Just go, and don't look back.

He'll probably cry, and tell you he loves you, he may even say he can't live without you and will have to kill himself and it'll all be your fault. Put your fingers in your ears and sing la-la.

Well exactly Bucharest. It's easy to romantisise them, but it was just a tawdy toxic partnership. Like this one.

Haven't read all of this but go. I had a very very similar relationship, you could have been describing one night I remember with my ex, but most of the "nights out" were the same. He was OK as long as the alcohol was going in, but as soon as he stopped drinking - Wham! Yes, issues, but he was 40 so had had many years to sort them had he wanted to. Not My Problem.

I was a student, no strings, but for some unknown reason I stayed for three years in that relationship. For many years afterwards I was irrationally terrified of my gorgeous -and completely non violent - DH whenever he'd had a drink in case anything similar happened.

The worst mistake a woman can make is forgiving that first attack.

Yes, you slapped him. That was very wrong of you. Domestic violence is unforgiveable from either gender.

However, his response was very worrying. His behaviour towards you generally is far more abusive than your single (unacceptable) slap.

Women tend to lash out in total frustration whereas when men attack, it tends to be colder, controlling and more of a pattern of verbally and physically abusive behaviour. (I realise that's not always the case)

But like I say, the worst mistake - and it is one that women make so often is to excuse that first attack. To try to rationalise it, to say "But I luuuuuuuurve him" to make excuses for it, to convince themselves they deserved it, to believe him when he says he will never do it again.

What they should do, is walk. instantly. that first attack should be the last.

Because when you stay, you are telling them that you will accept the way they treat you. So then they start to see what else you will accept.

Don't plan to get out, don't think of getting out, don't hang around because you will convince yourself that it was a one off and he loves you really and somehow you deserved it and maybe if you hadn't been a bitch he wouldn't have done it... and hey presto, wave a magic wand, you're a victim.

If you choose to stay (and failing to leave at once is choosing to stay) then do so knowing that he will do this again. Because you stayed.

if anything happens where I think things might get inflamed (i.e he goes out with friends for the night which I am fully anticipating he will do at the weekend as it is his birthday) I will go to my parents house or stay with a friend.

So rather than leave the relationship or confront the behaviour you will just avoid it? How is that going to help? It isnt going to change his behaviour, your behaviour or the relationship for the better is it?

Will you still be staying out of the way in 10 years? Will you parents or friend be happy to put you you up every other weekend for the rest of your life just so you can continue to keep up the facade of a healthy relationship that is in realtity, anything but?

FFS, get a grip and do both yourself AND him a favour and end it now.

You both sound like you need help tbh, and while you cant force him to face his demons, you CAN deal with your own.

Morloth: you stay for the good times. You stay for the fun you had and the honeymoon period when he made you feel worshipped and adored. You stay because he's a great guy most of the time, it's just when he drinks and all you have to do is stay out of the way/not antagonise him. You stay because sex is a powerful pair bonding tool (one of Nature's dirty tricks!). You stay because some fool told you when you were little that if you don't keep your man happy you will be on the shelf (in doom-laden tones). You stay because you believe you can help him with his issues, you can be the bigger person and forgive, "as long as he needs me" (and you know what happened to the woman who sang that). And lastly, you stay because you don't believe you deserve any better.

So you are contemplating continuing a relationship with a man who is so predictably drunk and abusive that you have plans for when he goes out to drink?

I am afraid that I am starting to struggle to understand exactly what it is you are doing.

Most men don't behave like this. If you stay he will do it again because he a) he wants to b) he knows you will make excuses for it and c) he doesn't actually like you very much.

Babynothing, he laughed at you and ridiculed you when you were sobbing hysterically (after her pushed you about the room). That is just plain nasty and so unkind. He is jealous of you and you need to get out of this very bad relationship. His behaviour is not your fault, stop blaming yourself and taking responsiblity for his conduct.
Are you ok today? Whats the latest?

I suggest reading 'women who love too much' by Robyn Norwood. It helped me to understand what was so compelling for me about abusive relationships. I'm now with someone who is lovely but it took a few goes to get it right. I wonder if, like I did, you think 'this guy is better than the last one I was with so that means he's the best I can get'. You can find someone who is completely unabusive, not just a bit better than the last one.

Take your 'fully intend to leave' and turn it into leaving.

fwiw i don't think Morloth was being harsh, i think she was being blunt and very very very correct in her analysis.

you have no reason/excuse to stay with this man
the fact that you are still there has in fact shown him that his behaviour "wasn't that bad" and that "you were asking for it" and that it was kind of your fault too.

the reality is IT IS NOT. get out get out get out.

you are 32. what are you doing with this tosser?

OP I dont think anything anyone on your thread has been harsh. Powerful and honest but not harsh.

If you for one minute believe he will not attack you again ........ then you are living in a dream world. Are you willing to put up with this as a weekly occurence. If not, get out now, while you still have the ability to do so.

If not, then harsh as it may sound, they may be carrying you out ............

Heed the warning signs you are getting from him ............ and the help from the ladies on here.

Akissisnotacontract I remember hearing a female saying 'he's better than nothing' which i thought was the saddest thing I've ever heard said. How low must her self esteem been to say that. She was worth so much more than what he gave her and I dont mean in the material way.

Please leave this man now. You sound like a lovely person and deserve better. I used to live with someone very similar and he could have killed me! It took me 3 attempts to leave but you have to do it now!!!

ominous that OP hasn't been back for a while

I've never heard so much rubbish in my life as in this thread. The facts are both parties are as bad as each other.
They were BOTH drunk, BOTH abusive so all those trying to lay the blame with just one of them should stop !
As for the OP, well she just seems to think she's done nothing wrong. You need to wake up girl !

morloth was harsh, but i'm afraid i agree.

you can't change him.

you are not responsible for him.

he is not going to get nicer all of a sudden.

time to go.

Morloth was just being truthful. It is idiotic to stay with a man who behaves this way, especially when you have no financial ties to him or any children. Run, run like the fucking wind.

What everyone else said. Run. Leave him before you're shackled to this violent nutter by kids, mortgages and years of diminished self-esteem.