i have been an absolute idiot

[nothingbetweenmyears]

says it all really. I am a regular lurker for obvious reasons and i know people on here in RL

It started with a works night out when he kissed me (about a month ago) and I did tell DH afterwards and he said not to worry. It then progressed to stupid stupid fb messaging and then texting. We all went out again this weekend and he tried it on again. And I did nothing to stop it.

Today something switched in my head and I cant believe I have been so so stupid. I was deeply deeply flattered and got carried away with those inital feelings you get when you know someone fancies you. I did nothing to discourage it, probably encouraged it if I am brutually honest.

I have a young DS and a loving DH who my friends always say is devoted to us and i know he would be absolutely devastated.

Today I've told him not to contact me anymore and deleted him from fb. He doesnt work in my office anymore so I wont ever see him again.

I feel so deeply ashamed at myself and I cant believe I have jeopadised (?sp) my marrage for this - this isnt the person I thought I had become :(

You made a mistake. Stop wallowing in it. Work on your marriage.

regular lurker but changed name sorry

Put it in your past now OP and try and learn from the lesson. Yes its nice to be complimented and we all like it .............. but we must learn to take it at just that and not take the next step .............. all too easy to throw it all away ................. all for the sake of a few stolen moments ........... definitely not worth it.

Tell your DH. You're not going to be able to move forward as a couple without being honest. You made a mistake, but you've gone some way already to fixing it which is good. But do tell your H.

Well done for ending everything before the real destruction/devastation sets in.

the trouble is i got carried away and probably would have gone further if i had had the opportunity. The fact that someone sees you as more than just chief cook and bottle washer iyswim.

DH works away fairly often and we have always agreed trust was at the heart of our relationship - i feel that i have broken that

Agree, tell your DH. It will eat you up inside otherwise.

The 'what ifs and maybes'. Just get it out, deal with it and move forward.

If the other guy contatcs you again, tell DH. Make it public. He'll soon stop.

It's not too late to fix the trust. Talk to him, explain why you felt flattered.

Talk. x

If you have put an end to it - then let it go. Learn from it, but don't dwell on it - work on your marriage instead. Get a babysitter (or better still send the kids on a sleepover!)... work on being a couple as well as parents, work on finding a part of you that is you and not just wife/mum/chief bottle washer.

You made a very stupid mistake, but it could have been much worse.

Your DH works away, he needs to be able to trust you ... and he can now can't he???

Live with your guilt - don't make DH live with it too.

Op I'm going to disagree and say don't tell your husband !
It could possibly end your marriage and what for facebook flirting and a few kisses ? ( though I am in no way saying it's right )
I had experience of this situation last year when my best friend had a 6 month affair with a work mate , the whole situation was so so sad and there was no reason for the affair other than the other man gave her lots of attention and flattered her ( guy was younger ) anyway she stopped it and never told her Now husband because he would of left her .

the worst thing is I have been cheated on before (my ex has been diagnosed with a personality disorder) and I went to hell and back with him. I have been deeply judgemental about people who cheat on their partners in the past and when I met DH it was like a whole new world opened up.

I dont think we were really unhappy before this and we have been through some very traumatic times together and come through them.

I maybe need to focus a bit more of on what I have rather than trying to relive my single days. I have never done this before but for a long time after ds was born I went through that `Im so frumpy and unattractive' phase that I guess most mothers do

Well done for coming to your sense and putting a halt to it all.

Not sure how it will benefit your husband to tell him the exact gory details, but you should definitely use the experience to have a wider discussion about fidelity, boundaries and trust so that you can begin to put 100% effort back into your marriage.

*senses

I can't see any upside in telling husband either, unless you have been so indiscreet it will get back to him anyway.
Tell him = strong chance he will be outraged & dump you
Don't tell him = chance it will blow over

As far as eating you up inside goes? Tough luck.

madonna I always thought everything was so black and white. And it isnt really

catinthehat i appreciate your honest advice

come on love!, cheer up!, you've been a bit bloody stupid but realised and stopped it before it got out of hand!, i would say there is nothing to be gained by telling your dh - just dont do it again, remember how horrible you feel right now and then move on!, put it down to experience and get on with building a happy marriage and family! and never risk it all again for something so silly!

Agree with others. You were flattered by some attention and got caught up in those initial feelings of excitement. Yes, you made a mistake but the important thing is that you realise that and put a stop to it before things got more serious.

Time to draw a line under this, stop beating yourself up and instead focus on your marriage. I see you dilemma about telling your DH. You say you already told him about a previous kiss - is it really worth risking your marriage by giving him a few more gory details?

Nothing to be gained by you telling your husband for you no, but what about what he deserves? Doesn't he deserve the chance to decide whether he wants to be with you or not based on the full facts?

If this was a man posting everyone would say the wife had a right to know.

Spot on Fuppy. Double standards as per.

Fuppy if Dh ahd made the same decisions re completely cutting contact etc would I want to know? probably not. I would try adn keep the marriage but not sure I could get past the breech of trust.

And it's not just OP / DP it's her DS too.

I'd say as you ahev already completely cut him off and didn;t do anything further not to say anything- but deal with the issues that caused it, the feeling of being chief cook and bottle washer.

It is double standards Fuppy you are quite right and that's really my worry

Fuppy - please don't speak for me - I'm quite able to speak for myself.

I would NOT say anything different if it was the husband posting.

Watch and learn.

say OP was a man and had done the same to his wife, my post would go like this:

"I can't see any upside in telling wife either, unless you have been so indiscreet it will get back to her anyway.
Tell her = strong chance she will be outraged & dump you
Don't tell her = chance it will blow over

As far as eating you up inside goes? Tough luck."

the end

Tbh I think it all stems from Christmas. Dh and ds are so so close (which is fantastic) but I could have walked out of the house and no one would have noticed. I know people say this all the time but it is true.

It's still no excuse :(

It's not an excuse but it's a reason that you can actively work on so it doesn't happen again.