i have been an absolute idiot

[nothingbetweenmyears]

says it all really. I am a regular lurker for obvious reasons and i know people on here in RL

It started with a works night out when he kissed me (about a month ago) and I did tell DH afterwards and he said not to worry. It then progressed to stupid stupid fb messaging and then texting. We all went out again this weekend and he tried it on again. And I did nothing to stop it.

Today something switched in my head and I cant believe I have been so so stupid. I was deeply deeply flattered and got carried away with those inital feelings you get when you know someone fancies you. I did nothing to discourage it, probably encouraged it if I am brutually honest.

I have a young DS and a loving DH who my friends always say is devoted to us and i know he would be absolutely devastated.

Today I've told him not to contact me anymore and deleted him from fb. He doesnt work in my office anymore so I wont ever see him again.

I feel so deeply ashamed at myself and I cant believe I have jeopadised (?sp) my marrage for this - this isnt the person I thought I had become :(

Ah interesting, Chipping In is of the same mind as me.

Here's one for Mouseface & Co. If I, ChippingIn & everyone else were men, would you have dared come up with the cobblers you have just posted?
Or do you just save that for female posters because women clearly don't know their own little fuffywuffy minds?

FGS

If it really was the other way round I would want to know tbh

Not right to tell your hubby IME.
Why should he suffer for your misdeeds?
Also why should your DCs suffer if the marriage ends?

It's your cross, you bear it.

Brutal perhaps but heartfelt.

I need brutal honesty that's why I posted on mn. Should have posted 4 weeks ago really

It's never black and white. Nobody is in fallible - we are all human and anyone could have a lapse of judgement and become flattered by the attention of someone else.

The issue here is that the op realised what she was doing and put a stop to it before it could get out of hand. all this talk of letting the dh decide whether he would want to stay in the marriage or not is just a bit sanctimonious really - we're talking about a kiss here not a full-on affair.

Op - you are human. You made a mistake but you realised that what you were doing was wrong and you put a stop to everything. The only thing that telling your dh can achieve is heartache for all of you and for what? for the sake of a kiss and a couple of facebook messages?

You know you were in the wrong. You can work on your relationship and make it back into everything you want it to be.

Oh and if you were a man my advice would be exactly the same.

Bloody hell cat - untwist your knickers and have a .

nothingbetweenmyears I think most of us would say the same (if it was me I'd want to know), but there is a LOT of truth in the saying that ignorance is bliss (so long as you stay ignorant). It isn't like all your mates know you have been having an affair behind your DH's back. You flirted a lot, you kissed, you went further than you should have - but you haven't had an affair, your DH isn't the only one who doesn't know.

Have you learnt your lesson? Or are you scared you will do it again?

Also, you need to work on issues with your DH. You do need to tell him how you felt at Christmas. It is great DH & DS have a good relationship, but it isn't an either or situation. If you don't sort this out you will be lonely and you do risk doing this (or worse) again.

Ah yes, the "where's your sense of humour luv" post, very good.

You have obviously swallowed lots of stuff from the men in your life.

OP - The more of your posts that I read, the more sadness I see coming through.

It sounds as though you have been feeling unwanted/unneeded etc and therefore the attention from this man was very much welcomed.

All arguments aside, have you told DH how you've been feeling, about your relationship with him?

I know that there are days when all I feel like is the chief cook and bottle washer in this house. Days where you're just mum. Or DW but without any affection. I think we've all had days like that.

I'm not excusing what you did and it's totally up to you, of course it is, whether or not you decided to tell DH the full story.

I can't say how he'll react, I don't know him or you.

But for me I would want to tell my DH what had happened. Because there is a genuine why here, isn't there?

Talk to him, tell him how lonely you really are.

cat - take it elsewhere.

We do live in a small city which was why I did tell him the first time. I don't know how many of my work colleagues know yet but it didn't take long for the gossip mill to get going the first time.

And actually your probably right I am quite sad, although I did tell dh this at the time

take what elsewhere?

is that some sort of threat? have you missed out "or else?"
are you making yourself out to be in some way 'in charge'?
do you have power and dominance issues and feel the need to issue orders to strangers on the interwebs who are sniggering at you aren't really bovvered?

do tell

If you want the honest truth, if it was my DH in your situation and he felt as you say you do (huge mistake, real regret) I would not want to know. Once he told me, I'm not sure there would be anyway back - something fundamental would fall away. If I don't know and it never happens again then I am none the wiser, am spared the upset and we can keep our otherwise happy marriage.

OK. There are clearly some very real problems with your marriage. It's horrid to feel non-existent, Christmas day or any day. When he said okay about the kiss, did you feel "Oh, he really trusts me, how wonderful!" or was it more like "Bloody hell, he doesn't even notice me when I snog another bloke"?

I suspect there's a big element of "See what you made me do" to your indiscretion. I wouldn't judge you for this, by the way, I've done it. Needless to say, it had the opposite effect from what I'd hoped.

So my advice is:

1. Don't tell H about your grope.
2. Leave it, the gropee, and all other possible misdemeanours in a far-away dimension.
3. Have a Very Serious Talk with H about being taken for granted. Be firm. Insist on counselling.
4. Build some extra stuff into your life that makes you feel lovely

Good luck!

OP, what actually happened this latest occasion ?

You haven't said

Did it go further than kissing ? Some people will forgive kissing if there was no sex. The FB stupidity is a cruel blow though What would you predict your H would do, if he knew ?

If you are sure he would end your relationship unequivocally then you do need to think very carefully before you tell if you are 100% sure you want to stay wih him. Tbh, though, I don't know if you are 100%.

I am not saying you shouldn't tell. If you think he would be willing to listen and understand why you may have got to this precipice, then maybe this could be a turning point for you both ? It sounds like you have been unhappy for some time, and if something like this doesn't make him listen you may be better ending it anyway, and finding someone who will

Cat i think she emant (and I interpreted it as ) this thread is trying to support someone so maybe best to not hijack it about the whole if it were a man thing?

It's sad when people's threads are taken off course and end up as fights and it's not as if there is an MN cap on how many threads you can start: if you want to discuss feminist impications of this do so. On a thread for that purpose.

And an honesty policy, even if not ine in this case, does not equal women do not know their fluffy wuffy minds: justa different take on a specific case.

Sorry OP.

Don't tell your DH.

Make sure you really have put an end to it. My ex- h had a protracted affair that sounds very much like it started as yours has. Trouble was he didn't or couldn't stop it and now we are going through a horrible bitter divorce.

You have taken any extraordinary risk with what sounds like a happy marriage and I don't think anyone really knows what they have 'til they lose it, (excuse the cliché but I believe this one). My kids have been through a horrible time and they will be paying the price for a long time yet.

As for the other man - he sounds lovely, the sort of guy who messes around with a married woman.

Sancti, I do know where you are coming from guv, but I don't accept accusations of applying double standards. I am a straight & honest, and occasionally very direct poster - heck even the OP mentioned the honest bit.

My suggestion to Mouseface (other than not contacting your mates to support you when you are out of order, if that is what happened here ?dunno? ) is to appreciate that when someone has a "different take on a specific case" maybe its not the best idea to accuse them of bad faith/double standards etc without any evidence to back you up.

And not to start crying when you get called on the "where's your sense of humour luv" posts.

I am one for not advising you tell. It will only hurt him.
You are feeling enough remorse and hurt for two people.

What can you hope to gain by telling? it may ease your conscience temporarily but it will make it harder to get over.

Learn by your mistake- and keep schtum.

You might use the experience to try to make improvements at home by talking about how your needs are not being met- but you only had a kiss and a flirt FGS- it's not the end of the world.

Sorry for bitting in and out (i hate that when op's do that) but yes I would like to stay with dh and not really sure how he would react Tbh

What I don't like in your thoughts here is the chief cook and bottle washer remark.

I'm not sure that telling your DH wouldn't be accompanied by some tendency to lay part of the blame for this on him.

You need to do a huge amount of work on yourself now, and try to understand why you might have some need to scupper relationships, why you might need to live dangerously, whether you think you only deserve a partner who is unavailable in some way, why you think you should test a partner or give a partner the chance to drop you like a hot potato.

If this was really nothing significant and you feel you are sure it will never happen again after much soul-searching, then I would be inclined not to hurt your H further. You would need to really seriously examine your motives for telling him. I can understand the arguments in favour of telling him -- allowing someone a free choice is very important. But if you are 100% committed to understanding yourself, damage-proofing your marriage, and putting this sort of behaviour behind you, then what is to be gained from telling him?

Are you saying mouseface contacted me? not so- if you look in fact our opinions differ but whilst I am happy to confirm that mouseface and I chat off MN I can categorically guarantee that it has not been mentioned off this thread, that I have seen anyway.

Anyway OP whatever you decide to do, feeling like the cook etc is crappy and you deserve so much more. Put this behind you either way and work on changing that. It's one ting to be a bit second best when you ahev a littlie but they grow up dn you find yourself with a stake marriage and no self worth.

This is an odd thread.

Math, I 'heard' OP saying she feels overlooked in her marriage. I didn't equate that to having insecure attachment needs; I'm curious as to what prompted your take on her story?