i have been an absolute idiot

[nothingbetweenmyears]

says it all really. I am a regular lurker for obvious reasons and i know people on here in RL

It started with a works night out when he kissed me (about a month ago) and I did tell DH afterwards and he said not to worry. It then progressed to stupid stupid fb messaging and then texting. We all went out again this weekend and he tried it on again. And I did nothing to stop it.

Today something switched in my head and I cant believe I have been so so stupid. I was deeply deeply flattered and got carried away with those inital feelings you get when you know someone fancies you. I did nothing to discourage it, probably encouraged it if I am brutually honest.

I have a young DS and a loving DH who my friends always say is devoted to us and i know he would be absolutely devastated.

Today I've told him not to contact me anymore and deleted him from fb. He doesnt work in my office anymore so I wont ever see him again.

I feel so deeply ashamed at myself and I cant believe I have jeopadised (?sp) my marrage for this - this isnt the person I thought I had become :(

an odd thread indeed

helpful to Op ?

I hope so

< speaks as one who has got into shedloads of OT spats and regretted it every single time >

Doing a little bit of a :) that Cat and Mouse are fighting on this thread.

Sorry for hijack OP. I still think he doesn't need to know as long as you are sure you won't do it again and 100% committed to tackling the issues in your marriage.

I saw the bit where she had parted from someone else and ended an unhealthy relationship and wondered if someone had rocked her confidence in herself as relationship material or made her feel she was unworthy of a decent man, plus the frumpy and unattractive feelings she had when her DC was born.

I also wondered if the chief cook remark was there as some sort of retrospective justification for what she did.

You told him about the first kiss, he said don't worry about it.

Maybe you were disappointed with his reaction and wanted him to be insanely jealous.

It wasn't meant to be an odd thread believe me I am no troll!

I did know my now dh when I was with my ex but I was single for a year before we first went out together - my previous relationship highlighted a lot of my insecurities which until recently I thought I had put behind me

OP, you are not being odd, love

OP - You are not being odd. I'm sorry if my posts have upset you.

A relationship with someone with a PD can do a number on you in a great many ways. It's always worth combing through the wreckage to find out where you really are when it ends.

OP, I didn't mean YOU were odd! It was the way your thread was playing out.

It seems Math did hit a nail I hadn't spotted, wrt your insecurities in relationships. Perhaps this means you find it even harder than most to tolerate "invisibility" at home and were, so, seeking more full-on attention.

That would leave you with two tricky, but worthwhile projects to get started on: Clarifying your attention needs with DH, and finding some counselling to help you pick over the wreckage of your previously damaging relationship.

I do hope you've eased up on yourself a bit with the guilt trip. It's over - but it seems there is much of value to be learned from it.

I've read your posts really carefully and as ever with female infidelity threads, concentrate on the earlier posts before others try to convince a woman that there must have been dissatisfactions in her marriage for this to happen.

What I read from your posts is that you have been feeling frumpy and unattractive since having your DS and you are feeling a bit left out of the fantastic relationship your H has carved out with your son, to the extent that you feel a bit invisible. You have also said you don't have an unhappy relationship at all and that you love your H, who was decent enough to forgive your earlier indiscretion.

I'm afraid I also think that if a man posted on here that he was feeling neglected as his wife bonded with their child and had fucked up not once but twice, then I do think he'd have had a different reaction.

However, if he did, that wouldn't be fair either. I read this situation that you're feeling a bit bogged down by motherhood and working and the prospect of a flirty adventure appealed to you. I don't think it's got anything to do with your relationship, but everything to do with you and perhaps what defines your esteem.

I think the problem with this is it could happen again, if not with this bloke, someone else. I wonder whether you need affirmation from others that you are still attractive?

I think relationships and intimacy are hugely damaged by secrets and call bullshit on those who say the only reason for telling is to offload guilt. I think the major reason is not to rock what is actually a pretty comfortable boat and so secrets are often kept primarily out of self-interest.

However, I always suggest the value of counselling to get to the bottom of why this happened and to discuss the pros and cons of disclosure. The issue I would pay more urgent attention to, however is whether there is now a prospect of your H finding out, which is what you feared last time. If there is a risk of that happening, tell him, because it will be much more painful for him if he hears this from someone else.

WWIFN - if you have time, would you offer a suggestion as to how the confession may be made? It's the sort of thing I can envisage in theory, but cannot ever imagine approaching constructively in a real-life, emotionally loaded relationship.

It depends so much on the couple and their usual style of communication.

If it were me in my relationship, I would say I'd been an absolute arse and took total responsibility for letting this flirtation get out of hand again, but that there was a boundary I wouldn't cross. That I felt really ashamed of myself, had killed it stone dead and told the bloke nothing could ever happen again. That I loved my husband.

I'd expect profound hurt and quite a few recriminations and I'd expect to tell him honestly what had happened and who knew. I'd fully accept if he didn't want to meet my colleagues ever again and if I was still working with the OM, I'd understand if he wanted me to change jobs or move office.

If he asked me why it happened, I would say I'd felt ridiculously flattered by the attention and the buzz of a new relationship. As an afterthought I might admit to feeling invisible, but state that this was my problem, not his. I'm a grown-up and shouldn't feel jealous of the attention and affection our child was getting. I would add that feeling frumpy was also my problem and that I'd dealt with it in a very immature way, getting a pointless ego boost.

I'd conclude by saying that although I knew my revelations would cause pain, I feared that keeping a secret might cause even more damage and he didn't deserve that. I'd also say that I realised that keeping secrets meant that I was denying his choices in life and I hoped he could forgive me and take some comfort from the fact that I stopped this before it became too dangerous and had at least had the honesty and respect for him, to come clean.

The how-not-to-do-it would involve deflecting any blame for my behaviour onto my partner.

wwifn has said exactly what my BF in rl has said over the last few weeks

Please listen to them both :)

you have a wise friend, OP

The thing is this.

I used to believe that something like this was your guilt to bear and that you have no reason to burden/upset your partner by inflicting pain on them to ease your own guilt. Because nothing really happened.

But something did happen. Emotionally. And problem with keeping it to yourself is not so much that it festers inside you, but that it means that there will be no fallout from your indiscretion (for want if a better word). And if there is no consequence, there is unlikely to be complete resolution of the things that got you here in the first place. For that to happen, you need an honest discussion. 'Fallout' also means that you are far less likely to ever make that mistake again. You will have used up your 'chance' and be more likely to stop and think. And although you may feel like you would never allow yourself to be so naive again, if things don't change at home, who can say in fwo five or ten years?

So I'm with WWIFN all the way. Deserve to be happy and honesty and humility is the way to go.

You deserve to be happy

Fucking iPad

Thank you, WWIFN :) I just don't think I've ever had a grown-up enough relationship to be able to weather that (yet - I live in hope )

Good that you have such great advice, OP. Ignore whatever I said! Wishing you the very best of liuck.

Work on getting closer to your DS. I have 3 DS and one DH and am close to them all. It is not a male/female thing ,more to do with finding things you have in common and keeping communication lines open.

Thank you for all your advice. I thought long and hard and decided that if we were going to find a way foward then I needed to be open and honest and that dh deserved to make his own decision based on the truth and not what he thought was the truth.

So we have talked and I have told him everything, once I started it kinda all came tumbling out. He was understandably upset but not cross which I guess sounds surprising but he doesn't really do "cross" iyswim. He says he still loves me and is adamant that we can work through this and come out the other side stronger. I suggested counselling but he really isn't keen but perhaps we can revisit that.

I do need to work on my relationship with ds, because I felt rejected I have become a bit detached from our home life and you are right when you say I need to focus on changing this.

Hopefully we can get back on track soon, I know it may take time but it does seem a bit brighter today

You could have individual counselling in the meantime

good luck x

Thank you swallowedafly