Hi happycat. I'm a regular poster who has changed her name since if any of you ever meet my dh I would like him to keep his dignity.
Yes, my dh nearly broke up our marriage with this. I discovered it completely by accident. I was working on something when a letter he had written somehow attached itself to what I was doing. It was a letter he had written to a woman advertising herself on a swingers website. He said he was happily married but stuck in a rut, and would like to meet for sex, no strings attached. The shock seemed to hit me like a train. I quickly printed out the letter (dh was in the next room), shut down the computer and went out.
I walked and walked, went into the pub and sat with a drink, reading over his words and every one seemed to stab my heart. I thought about what to do, all kinds of things went through my head, but in the end I decided to confront him. I didn't show him the letter as I wanted to find out if it was the only one. I asked him if he had anything to tell me; he didn't know what I was talking about. I then said that something on the computer had attached itself to one of my files. He went pale.
At first he said it was one letter he had written on the spur of the moment when we had had an argument, but over the next 24 hours I went through all his email and pockets, etc, in the end he admitted that he had been surfing these websites for months and had become sucked in. He had written several of these letters and had received replies too.
He swore he would not have let it get to the stage where he would have cheated on me, but I think most of us can see how it would have eventually happened, bit by bit, and there would have been no satisfaction in it, it would have become a habit without any end.
Looking back, I had noticed he had been more and more withdrawn leading up to my discovery. Romantic gestures were thin on the ground, the usual little touches were being overlooked. I put it down to stress but all the while his attention was dividing.
I had had a baby a few months previously, and of course it was a big adjustment for him. Life was hectic and we had had other problems, he had chosen this as a kind of escape, where he could feel like himself again, and not just someone's husband, someone's father.
This all may seem harmless, and indeed if he had not written the letters perhaps I would have seen it as so. But in our case and I suspect in many others, it is all too easy on the internet to contact people on these websites. As it is, I felt he was preparing to be unfaithful to me, even though he could not admit it even to himself, and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that eventually he would have cheated on me.
I was devastated and considered divorcing him. It is a mighty insult to know that you, a flesh and blood woman, have been lying in bed wondering where he is, and all the time he is downstairs drooling over another woman, or even writing her letters saying he 'has a strong sex drive, waiting to be unleashed.' How those words hurt me, as I was examining my pregnancy fat in the mirror, or the bags under my eyes through being up at night to attend to the baby.
I cried and cried for days, I raged at him asking why he couldn't wait for me to recover from the birth, and he went through hell seeing how hurt I was.
I insisted we go to Relate, which we did, and the counsellor we saw said that this 'internet infidelity' feels very similar to a real affair in a lot of cases, and that my dh should expect to make amends as if he had had one.
My dh went through the therapy willingly, he was very very sorry, and showed his love for me in every way to try and win me back. He said he felt as if he had turned into another person while he was on these websites.
He is a fantastic husband in all other ways, and I did not want to lose him as I love him so much. I decided to stay with him, and I am glad because we are happy again. But I don't trust him as I used to, and perhaps never will. I still read his diaries and check his pockets sometimes, and I give myself tummy upsets if I turn up something I can't explain. I have to find out what every phone number is, every scrap of paper or name, or a worry myself sick. I try not to let him see I feel like this, as you have to give him some space to breathe, but if there ever came I time I was so worried again I would ask him directly.
I think people who have not been through this can't understand how like an infidelity it can feel. It is not so much the porn itself but the secrecy and the lies, and in my case the contact he made. If it can't be done in front of your face it is a betrayal.