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Original poster

Visiting porno websites and been found out

99 replies

happycat · 18/09/2003 22:32

Just come back from a computer course and have learnt some new tricks like what the history button is for and hey presto found out something I do not like about my hubby and the sites he has been visiting getting my drift.At the moment I am still in shock and feel sick (sexy women only I might add)and couples.Any one else experienced this I haven't spoken to him yet but if he goes into history now I have put in divorse websites.HELP

OP posts:
nerdgirl · 19/09/2003 16:21

I am such an idiot! Must not talk to colleague on phone while posting on Mumsnet!

Mooma · 19/09/2003 16:35

LOL Nerdgirl
Bobsmum - totally agree...you have articulated my thoughts on this far better than I could do it myself. I have three dd's and whenever I see a picture or film I just keep thinking that it's someone's daughter. Porn is about one thing...making money out of people.

Mooma · 19/09/2003 16:36

LOL Nerdgirl
Bobsmum - totally agree...you have articulated my thoughts on this far better than I could do it myself. I have three dd's and whenever I see a picture or film I just keep thinking that it's someone's daughter. Porn is about one thing...making money out of people.

nerdgirl · 19/09/2003 17:16

But do you think that your dh is being unfaithful to you if he looks at porn, Mooma?

Original poster
happycat · 19/09/2003 17:49

Is there anyone on here that gets turned on by their man looking at porn.I know a lare percent do do it it's a fact of life but to me it seems weak willed and a little seedy.Women just don't need porn like men do.I think we could rack are brains forever trying to work them out.I feel like he is being unfaithfull a bit I suppose.I am guilty of looking at magazines that have been passed on to me but I can do that and leave it there. blokes seem to take it seriously and to far sometimes.

OP posts:
Janstar · 19/09/2003 18:09

IMO if it is upsetting to you, or if it is kept a secret, it is wrong.

Janstar · 19/09/2003 18:09

happycat, have you said anything to your dh yet?

bobsmum · 19/09/2003 18:16

In all seriousness though, I think my point is that the "heart" ie your emotions and your "organs" are linked. I know some women claim to be able to have purely physical sex without the commitment, but for me I have to love the one I'm with - in my case my husband. The feelings just aren't the same if you're on your own - who do you share it with??

I know that my husband does not "love" the women in porn magazines. But if he lusts after them then he is wanting to share with them something I always thought was just between the two of us. This is why I insist he tells me if he's tempted or messes up his head with dodgy images. He has admitted that it brings all sorts of comparisons into the equation and thus, our marital bed.

I do not want to compete with some girl in a magazine. I do not want to feel obliged to perform like a porn star. When our bedroom door is closed, it's just me and dh, not a video library and a copy of Men Only.

colette · 19/09/2003 18:23

Sorry to appear to be going off at a tangent but where's the history button?

Janstar · 19/09/2003 18:30

bobsmum, your dh could not seriously want some bike that has been ridden by hundreds of women when he can have you. The trouble is men like to indulge in these fantasies without thinking about the reality behind them.

Janstar · 19/09/2003 18:31

Hundreds of MEN, of course!!! Well, probably.

nerdgirl · 19/09/2003 18:36

The emotions aren't the same Bobsmum but the physical pleasure of an orgasm must still count for something!

I think my dh is entitled to his own private fantasy life. I'd hate to think I was obliged to share with my dh all the dirty little thoughts and images that have entertained my sick mind!

Original poster
happycat · 19/09/2003 18:53

collete it is just above the address bar looks like a clock.if you tap it it shows up all the sites that have been visited and the pages in the last three weeks.And no I haven't said anything yet don't know wheter to or not I am gonna keep checking it looks like he hasn't been doing it that long and if it continues I will have to say something because our kids use the computer too.

OP posts:
eagle · 19/09/2003 18:57

Yes, that is a good point. Since I found out about my dh's shenanigans accidentally by his letter attaching itself to one of my files, it could just as easily happened with one of the kids using the computer. When I suggested this scenario to him he was horrified at the risk he had taken.

Bobsdad · 19/09/2003 19:28

ahem I feel like the stranger walking into the saloon a bit here ...

First I need to clarify something my lovely dw said at the top of this thread ... when she said I was once into porn 'in a big way', she ought perhaps to have said 'had a modest stash of magazines under his bed when he was 16'.
I got rid of them because after becoming a christian I began to see that it is a very nasty thing indeed. Don't get me wrong, sex with bobsmum is utterly superb. I'm not down on sex per se - just porn.
That's not to say that, as a fallible man, I'm not tempted - I have lingered too long on the wrong satellite TV stations far too often. But I know in my heart it's not right and feel dirty for doing so. In spite of all this happycat, it's possible your dh never imagined he was doing anything wrong re the porn. Us men are very good at objectifying things so that emotional considerations don't come into it. I imagine glimpsing at porn generally goes on a lot more than we all think, especially as it is now available free of charge on so many websites. Talk to him - don't confront, just talk it through. Make your feelings clear, but don't back him into a corner.

codswallop · 19/09/2003 20:23

Lol bobsdad

Eowyn · 19/09/2003 21:00

Dh & I will never agree on this, I can't help but hate the idea of him looking at porn, but his mum used to get him 2nd hand (oh too yuk) magazines before I came along, so he has been brought up thinking it's fine.
I too found out by accident what he does on computer during my one night out per week. I can only hope that he really will stop, as promised previously, as he must by now know how much it upsets me.
Think that if it were not secret & in some way together it might not hurt so much, I know we are supposed to be liberal about it all nowadays & I do fantasise away myself, so I can't necessarily explain why I find it so repugnant, but I do.

Mooma · 19/09/2003 21:22

Nerdgirl - dh has not looked at porn during our relationship, except when on weekends away without the kids and we've watched films together because we could and it was there. It has a titillating effect but we both feel a bit sordid afterwards, and the passion we can generate just between the two of us feels so much more genuine and personal. Like Bobsdad, dh had a mag collection when 16 but has never felt the need for these during 22 yrs of marriage (and the history button is regularly checked because we have teenagers! ) Like I said, Bobsmum (and Bobsdad) have put my views most eloquently. You still made me laugh about talking on the office phone! The thing is, I'm not judging anyone whose views differ - it just doesn't work for me and dh. (I hope to God that doesn't sound smug )

donnie · 19/09/2003 21:43

bobsmum I agree with everything you have said. I feel dead sorry for all those women whose partners resort to pornography as a means of getting their seedy little wanks. And they all ( the women, I mean) feel awful and used, but pretend they are 'liberal minded' and 'understanding' because to admit to the humiliation is too much.

charliecat · 19/09/2003 22:08

I agree with donnies last sentence.

Jimjams · 19/09/2003 22:22

eowyn- his mum did what????? how bizarre?????? I just can't imagine doing that for ds1 and 2. "here you are boys- second hand wank mag- I've unstuck the pages for you". bleuurghh

FairyMum · 19/09/2003 22:30

Donnie, you don't have to feel sorry for me. My Dh does look at porn quite a lot (internet, films and magazines), but I really don't mind. I think it just for a quick wank and another side of his sex life. Isn't it true that we all have sexual fantasies not always about our partners? I certainly do. I also like reading erotic literature, but consider it private and not something I like to share. I do think men should respect it if their partner really gets upset by it though. Not sure what my dh would have done if I had denied him his porn. I have a feeling he would just have gone "under cover" so to speak.....

wiltshire · 19/09/2003 22:52

Feel I have to respond to Donnies post. I am not and would not be humiliated if my husband looked at naked women on the internet/magazines/videos. I would like to think that I am a tad less insecure than that. If the only bad thing your old man does is have a wank over a picture of some naked woman, and it's making you feel insecure then I can only assume that there are much much more deep rooted problems in your relationship. It's also not about being liberated. I would say that 99.9% of men were wanking over one things or another from the age of 14. That is a private thing that men do. Why on earth would I have the time or the inclination to interfere with someones private masturbation. Personally I think it has nothing to do with me. And not letting your man have his own private space is not a good plan for a lasting relationship.

wiltshire · 19/09/2003 22:55

Providing of course that it is only normal masturbation. If I found out that my DH was wanking over something like parrots/pigs/preggaporn I would intervene and get him help.

And for nerdgirl 3 or 4 orgasms. All that friction would give me thrush.

wiltshire · 19/09/2003 22:57

Oh and sorry to bang my gums on this one. But Eagle I would be very very annoyed at your predicament. That particular scenario would seriously cause damage to my relationship, perhaps irreversible. You really have my sympathy, but I am glad you are sorting it out.

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