Resentful, frustrated over this issue

[otchayaniye]

In the great scheme of things this is a small issue. Nothing like the strife some people have to contend with here. My husband is a supportive man, a soul mate, dedicated father. We both share the care of our 2-1/2 year old and both work part time. This works very well. All hunky dory.

But I have an issue that bothers me. I obviously don't go about it the right way. I'd like advice on how to go about it better and not engender the response that I do. Ultimately I'd like to be listened to and have my feelings acknowledged (you know, like you do with your kids as laid out in How to Talk...)

Our daughter is 2-1/2. Until she was 2 she was breastfed to sleep every time she woke up. When she was little (until 18 months) this was multiple times. Resettling took a long time sometimes. By about 8-14 months I was having a really hard time with this. I (we) chose to stick with this and ride it out because we didn't want to sleep train (I did seriously consider it at times). Thing is, she still needs us to sit by her bed until she's asleep. Now she's no longer fed to sleep my husband does this, but I sometimes do, especially if I've been working. I just feel I should.

This process can take 30 minutes after lights out, can take more than one hour. When it's bad, it frustrates me no end and
yes, I come out of the room and have a moan or want to talk about how better to do this (I do this more often than moan).

My husband either walks away from me, shuts his eyes, turns on the tv or rolls his eyes. He thinks I (his words) catastrophise, he doesn't accept that this has in some ways, and at some times this has tipped me over the edge (not seriously over the edge but shit, yes, it's bloody frustrating). I stress to him that it's a cumulative effect of such a long time lying in the dark bfeeding sometimes 4-5 times a night. And I face this all over again with No. 2.

The fact that he refuses to acknowledge how frustrated I feel leaves me feeling like a plain old nag, like I am complaining over nothing, that I'm some kind of high-maintenance, nightmarish harridan. He tells me I rant, he says he understands but that HE's had a hard day and doesn't want to listen (and he often has had a long hard day looking after her, I can't deny). I just feel painted as the 'difficult' person (a long running thing as I was hospitalised with depression while at university and have never shrugged off the 'mentally compromised' tag, even though I've been fine since).

I am just fed up with the hours spent wrangling a child to bed. I do AP, have never had a pram, still bfeed and take my
child on outings on the days he's sleeping off a night shift so he has peace and quiet. I am no slouch or moaner! (I'm not wearing my martyrs' badge, just explaining)

Of course, this comes up if it's been a bad settle and we get nowhere. I then spend an hour or so seething. And then those few hours I do have with my husband alone are then wasted.

Irony is that since he's started putting her to bed on the awkward nights HE comes out moaning about it. When I pointed this out to him he stormed off, saying "don't speak to me like that".

I am 20 weeks pregnant. I am (like my first) sick twice a day and feel sick on and off all the time. I am prepared to accept I might be blowing this out of proportion, but I felt this way before I became pregnant.

How do I stop feeling so resentful over this? Ultimately the way I speak shuts him off. He said once something similar about
his mother, I'm guessing I remind him of this.

Maybe he doesn't agree with spending an hour settling her? Maybe he's dreading having to go through it again with number two? Maybe he's resentful that you are imposing this palaver on him then moaning about it?

Sorry to sound harsh but you say 'I do AP' not we do AP - is he really on board? My personal view is that it's bonkers to not have bedtime sorted by 2.5. My DS is 2.5 and we had bedtime sorted by 12mo. Yes it did involve some crying, yes we have the odd off night, but mostly it's a peasant half hour of teeth cleaning, stories, kiss and 'night night mummy'. If My DH wanted to do it the way you do, I'd resent the hell out of him, and there's no way I'd have the patience to listen to him moan about it on top. Sorry.

But I could be completely wrong and he might be 100% on board. Is he?

It sounds unnecessarily difficult and time consuming and is obviously making you both snappy and frustrated.

Can you not consider another method? Why do you have to do it this way?

Sometimes when we deal with our partners, we want to score points, see who's had a worse deal, we want to be able to moan and our complaints to be aknowledged yet the other person moans back about how frustrated they are etc...

How to talk... works on partners too. When you point out to him how he too moans after he has put her to bed you are in battle mode and not listening to him.

Perhaps you could start a conversation with him to see if he could help you come up with a better way of dealing with your daughter in the evening. As in "help me solve this, i need your input".

Perhaps you could take a book you want to read with you and read that (out loud or not) whilst you're waiting for your daughter to fall asleep. You might feel less annoyed at how long it takes if you can do something "useful" or relaxing in the mean time.

Perhaps your daughter would like to (or accept to) listen to a CD with a story before falling asleep, you can promise to check on her at the end of it and little by little she might be okay to fall asleep without you?

only a few ideas, I'm sure you'll come up with soemthing better! and sorry if I'm not addressing everything you mentioned. Good luck!

You've never had a pram? Is that meant to be a good thing? You sound like you have gone out of your way to make parenting as laborious and demanding as possible and if you think that makes you the best parent you can be, fair enough, but why spend your time complaining about how much of a pain in the arse it all is? Sounds a total nightmare. Is your husband on board with all this? If he isn't I'm not surprised he rolls his eyes..

I think you need to step back and reassess whether the method of parenting you're currently so dedicated is working for you, because it really sounds to me like it isn't. You believe in AP - me too - but as with any 'method' you're free to cherry-pick those bits that suit your lifestyle and discard those that don't. For instance, I used a sling, EBF to 21 months, refused to use a schedule for feeding, etc, but co-sleeping and BF-ing to sleep every night - no thanks! My DS was BF-ed, burped, changed and put down to in his cot awake. As a result of that he learned to put himself to sleep. He sometimes cried, I patted him and reassured him, then withdrew.

Does your DD have a comfort item that could help her feel secure as she falls asleep? Would she like a night light so her room isn't completely dark? Personally, I think you've made a silly rod for your back and you'd be crazy to do the same again with your DC2 (you're already dreading it for goodness sake!)

You can change things, but you have to decide on a plan and then stick to it.

I think you really do need to try a new method, because in a few months time, you really wont be able to deal with a newborn baby and a 3yr old being so demanding.

Does she have a nightlight? Can you promise her something for the morning if she goes to sleep on her own?

Is her bedtime too early?

And what is the pram thing? why did you not have a pram?

Is there something wrong with prams?

you've made a rod for your back by the methods you've employed thus far and plan to employ again with the next child. You're exhausted and fed up . What is it you want exactly?

Of course he's tired as well. Of course he doesn't want another discussion about how hard it is.

Why don't you just admit it's a crap system which hasn't worked and none of you are really benefiting from it?

I wouldn't recommend this with the next baby and suggest you start teaching your DD to settle herself. She is definitely old enough to do it but don't expect it to be easy now you've let it go on this long. Bath, bedtime story, lights out, pop in and out as necessary. You could try an audio book to make her feel like she still has company.

If you keep having the exact same conversation about the same difficulty again and again, yet never make any changes, it's no wonder he ends up rolling his eyes. It must be boring and frustrating.

Plus how on earth do you propose to keep doing this sitting in with her for an hour or more when you've got a newborn? You need to make changes now so your DD gets used to them before the new baby arrives.

Thanks for the helpful suggestions. To some of the posters, I have to say I've not characterised this properly.

We believe in AP. We both do. He is 100 percent b
behind it (perhaps even more vociferous than me) and we both parent the same way (no punishment/rewards, no controlled crying, etc). We
talk about it all the time, are utterly focused and knew that we'd have to ride out some tougher times. Glad I did ride it out as she sleeps pretty much all through the night and I didn't have to sleep train. I know kids who have been trained who don't.

Oh the pram thing? Long story and I know reading back I sound like a martyrish knob. I'm not, honestly. I don't do things the 'hard' way and think it makes me a better parent. I simply responded to my baby. I lived abroad when I had her in an area where it was impractical to have a pram and besides, she was unputdownable in the early days. What was the point in buying one and shipping it and not having it for 2 months. So continued carrying, then continued when we moved back and continued (tried her in a pram and she didn't like it) and she only needs carrying for a nap now. My point was I know he's had a hard day physically as he carries her too for a nap on the days he has her.

We are lucky, our kid is delightful, no problems with eating, her speech is fantastic and she's all in all a pleasure and we enjoy her so much. Ok, she's been tricky to settle and it has been hard at times but I'm glad so far I haven't had to do a
volte face and do sleep training (not for a minute do I criticise it, it's just not right for us after all this time). I do certainly think it would be a good idea to move/push a little more towards self-settling and want to talk sensibly with my husband about it. You are right. No luxury when I will have a cluster feeding newborn. And he knows this.

This really isn't about parenting style, or sleeping. It is about how my husband responds to my stresses. It's not just this issue, but others I've stressed about in the past.

The reason I keep saying the same thing is that my feelings on this and my frustration at times (this is by no means every night, perhaps every fortnight) have been ignored, so we're in a
rut!

Anyway, thanks I think I need to pick my time better and make my language less confrontational or 'you don't understand'-like.

I'm sorry but you do sound like a martyr and a bit biased about other methods of parenting.

It is possible to be a good parent and use a combination of methods to achieve something that works for your particular household.

'I simply responded to my baby' makes you sound like knob. Don't all parents respond to their baby?

Fair enough OP, I have a two and a half year old DS who has to be settled every night just like yours, having been raised thus far in a very different way - he has been in nursery 3 days a week and with grandma 2 days a week since he was 6 months old, not breastfed for very long and not carried around any more than was strictly necessary. He is also as confident, well adjusted and developmentally advanced as any 2 year old has a right to be but he refuses to go to sleep unless one of us is sat with him for however long it takes - sometimes 2 minutes sometimes an hour.

It is a pain in the arse and a drag every evening as we both work full time and it eats into our time. But we take it in turns and once he is asleep we can relax. There's not much point stressing or rowing at that point but some nights it wouldn't take much to have one or other of us rolling our eyes, or worse.

If you are going to be bfing a newborn on demand in a few months then perhaps daddy is going to have to settle your DD every night?

I am sorry, but I think you are making this into a far bigger deal than is necessary, and its no wonder your husband is struggling to be "supportive".

AP is really a load of utter tripe. You end up with a clingy child and it really doesnt do them any favours at all.

It also creates a minefield of problems when baby number 2 comes along and the parents are not able to be quite so "attached".

she was unputdownable in the early days.

tried her in a pram and she didn't like it

sorry, pressed send before I had finished there..

Cant you see that the problems you are having, are of your own making.

you both need stop all this sitting-in-the-room-till-they-go-to-sleep nonsense.

your two year old child rulews you both.
you wont cope wiht a newborn too unless you adopt some serious supernanny techniques for gettng her to sleep. eg sit by bed today but tomorrow sit by the door of bedroom gradaully moving further away.

if you don t do it now you will not cope when you have newborn too

"she didnt like pram"? well tough. train her.

does she not like car seat either? what do you do?

You say yourself and your husband are fully behind this sleeping method but you're not really: you both moan about having to go through it every night. "Resentful" and "frustrated" don't sound like the words of a woman that fully accepts her choice.

This leaves you with two options: persevere, but stop making each other miserable about it. Or move on to a different sleeping method for DD that works better.

My personal view is this: Sleeping is a skill a child has to learn and just like you hold their hand when they learn to walk, you have to teach them how to settle down at night and fall asleep. As a parent you're not just the carer, but also their guide. You can't expect DD to send you out of the room as she's ready to sleep on her own, you have to lead the way here.

My advice would be sit down with your husband and ask his input on how to move on with the sleeping now that you are pregnant again. Work it out. You two are not having relationship issues, but you're leaving a problem unaddressed and that will cause friction until you face up to it.

Good luck and congratulations on your new DC! :)

Since this has now descended into a row about AP and what 'tripe' and 'nonsense' it is, and how it creates clingy children, I am going to leave. Thanks for your answers and helpful suggestions though. I am definitely going to work with my husband to help her self settle more. I have even bought a night light on line today!

My parenting is not up for debate even the parts of it which are sometimes hard. I wouldn't dream of launching into a thread about someone's child not eating or tantrumming about a given thing with quite the same spleen and ridicule. There are elements of parenting that everyone finds hard after all our children have their individual foibles. Some things are harder for some parents and children than others. Doesn't mean the whole household isn't 'working' or that my methods are 'crap'. That is defeatist. It simply means a certain aspect is sometimes hard. This doesn't necessarily require wholesale change. Just tweaks here and there.

I don't stick rigidly to one way of parenting because I read it in a book. I never actually knew what AP was until she was a year old. When I say I 'responded to her' I meant I responded to my particular child, who wanted constant cuddling and very frequent bfeeding. So I carried her. This is NOT a criticism of any other method. There was nothing in my posts that has sneered or criticised other methods. Nothing.

Of course we all like to think we respond to our children (sadly, not all parents do). I by the law of unintended consequences haven't been perfect either and have to a certain extent helped to create a set of behaviours. I still don't think it's helpful to say 'I have created a rod for my back'. I get those comments from mother.

I jsut don't think controlled crying was/is/should be the way to go for my child and her personality/temperament and what she's used to.

In a way, the problem is kind of ebbing away. It is more that I have backed up frustration, I want to spend more time in the evenings with my husband but I managed to score and own goal sometimes and end up cross and upset that our exchanges have gone a particular way.

Husband has agreed to do all the night settling. He gets frustrated too after a long settle after a long day, it's not just me. Just like anyone would get frustrated by a massive tantrum, or a child who won't eat.

I fully intend (don't dread, but am realistic) to tandem feed both children for a while. Obviously not at bedtime. Anyone want to slag that off?

I shan't go into my loathing of Supernanny. That programme is dreadful and against all TV producer guidelines.

Thanks again, I hate getting all defensive and flouncy but I just came on to ask for help in my communication with my husband as I recognise I am doing it wrong. But instead I got a fair amount of flak over my parenting style. Which I am happy with (mostly)

"both moan about having to go through it every night."

No, no. We moan when it's been very long and she's taken ages to get to sleep. Perhaps one in every 7-10 nights.

Because I have gone through a very tough patch with her sleep my patience reserve is less so I tear my hair out more on those (fairly) rare occasions.

My question is how to express myself (about this issue and other stressors) without shutting my husband's ears.

I bfed to sleep and sat with BOTH of my children for them to fall asleep. They grew out of it by 3.

I think to rubbish the OPs methods is unhelpful and rude.

Neither method is right or wrong, it just needs to work for the individual family. When it isn't working you need to alter your approach.

OP - maybe you need to try the gradual retreat. Introduce a chair next to her bed for you to sit on and every third/fourth night move it a bit further away. It will work, even if sometimes you end up back a step. As far as your H is concerned, what if the one who isn't settling your DD makes a nice dinner for you to enjoy when you come down. Or do the ironing, load the dish washer etc. That way the settling parent gets 'time off' afterwards.

Op-dont want to sound harsh here but you do know you are going to have to seriously rethink things when new baby comes along?. You sound stressed and tired now and that will only get worse(please tell me you dont plan to lug 2 about with no pram?-simply madness imo).
Leaving your child to self settle is not the work of the devil(have 3 dcs,all great sleepers who had a routine that I stuck to-still do and if they cry for 5 mins then tough!).Believe me it works and your dd is not going to end up in therapy in 30 years time because you let her cry for a few nights!.
You say yout dh is really on board with this-really? because it certainly doesnt seem like it.Making you both unhappy so dont do it?.

I know that you think that the trouble is with you and DH communicating but please consider that its the sleep problems.

My DD is 2.11 and still has trouble sleeping. Its soul destroying and means you are constantly irritable. It sounds like you and DH don't have much of an evening if you are sat with DD and if you are up and down all night you are bound to be frustrated. What to do when the sleep is disrupted is the main cause of arguments in this house. Mainly because we are tired, stressed out and torn between what to do.

Can I ask you to skip forward a year if you don't sort out DD sleep problems. I used to sit in dark with DD for 10 minutes. Normally this escalates and you are sat there for 30 mins, 60 mins, 90 mins ... is that feasible with a newborn? And if not, do you want DD to think the cause of this is the new baby? Better to work out what is feasible now, come up with a plan and put it into place before baby arrives.

I have tried every type of way to wean DD off needing me so that she sleeps and its an ongoing issue for all of us. Unfortunately every method tends to involve some crying, probably for all of you.

My heart goes out to you because although we can point out how you got here, sleep deprivation is incredibly difficult.

Pink4ever Why will she have to rethink? I hae twochildren and didn't leave them to cry or have a routine and the sleep very well, every night.

Different strokes for different folks surely?

Op now flouncing off in a huff because she doesnt like the sensible advice we have given her[hmm}?. Op are you planning to do ap when dd goes to playgroup/nursery etc or are they(along with prams/sleep training,putting your child down for a second) all the work of lazy moos who dont try as hard as you do be a martyr to their dcs?. Am outta here too.