Resentful, frustrated over this issue

[otchayaniye]

In the great scheme of things this is a small issue. Nothing like the strife some people have to contend with here. My husband is a supportive man, a soul mate, dedicated father. We both share the care of our 2-1/2 year old and both work part time. This works very well. All hunky dory.

But I have an issue that bothers me. I obviously don't go about it the right way. I'd like advice on how to go about it better and not engender the response that I do. Ultimately I'd like to be listened to and have my feelings acknowledged (you know, like you do with your kids as laid out in How to Talk...)

Our daughter is 2-1/2. Until she was 2 she was breastfed to sleep every time she woke up. When she was little (until 18 months) this was multiple times. Resettling took a long time sometimes. By about 8-14 months I was having a really hard time with this. I (we) chose to stick with this and ride it out because we didn't want to sleep train (I did seriously consider it at times). Thing is, she still needs us to sit by her bed until she's asleep. Now she's no longer fed to sleep my husband does this, but I sometimes do, especially if I've been working. I just feel I should.

This process can take 30 minutes after lights out, can take more than one hour. When it's bad, it frustrates me no end and
yes, I come out of the room and have a moan or want to talk about how better to do this (I do this more often than moan).

My husband either walks away from me, shuts his eyes, turns on the tv or rolls his eyes. He thinks I (his words) catastrophise, he doesn't accept that this has in some ways, and at some times this has tipped me over the edge (not seriously over the edge but shit, yes, it's bloody frustrating). I stress to him that it's a cumulative effect of such a long time lying in the dark bfeeding sometimes 4-5 times a night. And I face this all over again with No. 2.

The fact that he refuses to acknowledge how frustrated I feel leaves me feeling like a plain old nag, like I am complaining over nothing, that I'm some kind of high-maintenance, nightmarish harridan. He tells me I rant, he says he understands but that HE's had a hard day and doesn't want to listen (and he often has had a long hard day looking after her, I can't deny). I just feel painted as the 'difficult' person (a long running thing as I was hospitalised with depression while at university and have never shrugged off the 'mentally compromised' tag, even though I've been fine since).

I am just fed up with the hours spent wrangling a child to bed. I do AP, have never had a pram, still bfeed and take my
child on outings on the days he's sleeping off a night shift so he has peace and quiet. I am no slouch or moaner! (I'm not wearing my martyrs' badge, just explaining)

Of course, this comes up if it's been a bad settle and we get nowhere. I then spend an hour or so seething. And then those few hours I do have with my husband alone are then wasted.

Irony is that since he's started putting her to bed on the awkward nights HE comes out moaning about it. When I pointed this out to him he stormed off, saying "don't speak to me like that".

I am 20 weeks pregnant. I am (like my first) sick twice a day and feel sick on and off all the time. I am prepared to accept I might be blowing this out of proportion, but I felt this way before I became pregnant.

How do I stop feeling so resentful over this? Ultimately the way I speak shuts him off. He said once something similar about
his mother, I'm guessing I remind him of this.

Each to their own on the parenting style thing. I have to say though, I wouldn't have coped with my dc's (am now on my own with them) unless we'd got sleeping cracked early on. The refreshing power of having an evening to yourself followed by a full night's sleep cannot be underestimated. Whatever you can comfortably do to make things easier for yourself at the moment, I would do. Your dd can only benefit if you feel better.

It sounds like your dh is equally sleep deprived and you're caught in a vicious circle where you're extra sensitive to boot. I'd focus on sleep to start with, and then see if the other issues have receded. If not, a spot of couples counselling may be in order.

Your baby was prem, you did everything you could for her to keep her nourished and well so she could grow. She has thrived and you are a good mum. You both sound selfless and lovely.

But for god's sake let yourself off the hook. You DO sound like some god awful martyr whether you intend to or not.

Give each other a break. You're both knackered. This is what happens whatever style of parenting you follow. Next time he says he's tired give him a hug and say 'I know honey, we both are, what can we do differently that might give us a break?'.

Get a pram for the new baby. Try this cultural experience. It works as well as the Eastern - carry - your - baby - until - puberty style! And a buggy board to boot for your DD!

I do wish you all the best. The new baby will need you just as much as your DD has and you need to have something left to offer. At this rate you will be husks of your former selves, especially if you're planning on BF again.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I used to come home from work and talk about it at enormous length until one day my then dp said how bored he was, he didn't know any of the other people and it was the same every night...I was very upset but had a good old think and could see what it must be like for him. So we agreed that I would talk (and he would listen) for 20 mins and then I would stop. Could you try something like that?

[speechless]

I think you are on to something here:

"But my MIL is a proper, proper dyed-in-the-wool martyr. Maybe he's learned the semiotics of martyrdom from her? "

I am absolutely sure he has.

I hate to be brutal but also, people tend to marry what they know, I'm afraid.

You sound a very bright , intelligent woman. I am sorry you are feeling ill and unheard at the moment - and more than a mite frustrated.

Is part -time work truly intellectually stimulating enough for you? Or are you making up for the lack of something with the plunge into all this theoretical parenting stuff?

Dealing with small children as you know, is stressful; appallingly, mindlessly boring at times as well as enchanting and fulfilling at others - even with 100% support from one's partner and there is no harm or shame in recognising that.

As for the suggestion to talk for 20 mins flat without interruption, repetition or deviation -farkin' norah. If you're THAT desparate am not surprised he's rolling eyes. So would anyone.

"Is part -time work truly intellectually stimulating enough for you? Or are you making up for the lack of something with the plunge into all this theoretical parenting stuff?"

My job is the same one I've had for years and travelled the world with. I'm a news journalist with a household name. Same with my husband (TV journalist)

As for the theoretical parenting. I haven't read books, just had a few desultory chats with my child psychologist friend. I am not rigidly sticking to anything. I think people have focused on this (lack of pram etc) and think we are doing this for a reason. No.

I am NOT a martyr. There was a sleep issue but she sleeps through the night and I am not sleep deprived. She takes a while to go to bed -- but I wouldn't consider that 'hell', just a small problem in the scheme of things.

He definitely married someone different from his mother. I am about as far from martyr as it is possible to get.

He is tired on the 2 days he does night shifts. He gets competitive with the tiredness. It annoys me because it's like he doesn't listen to me. Of course, this is thrown into starker relief because I am pregnant and there's no 'she's in bed, crack open the wine, wind down etc.' It all feels a little more boring and groundhog day-ish

Anyway, thanks for the advice. This was about communication. Not an invitation to roll eyes at what I have or haven't bought or that I don't sleep train. Plenty of people don't and they are not all wearing hair shirts.

You are complaining you dh doesn't listen toyou tbh it sounds like you are expecting too much when he has had valmost mo slee a
d then had dd all day. You both stuck in a pattern of not listening to each other.

I'm just gonna jump right in here and urge you not to 'push her to drop the nap'. Children are nosy, curious, energetic things and tend not to want to nap unless they need it.

Perhaps suggest that she naps earlier in the day (DS is 2 and naps between 11am and 1pm for anything between half hour and 2hrs) so as to ensure that she is ready for bed at night.

It also sounds like you are doubly frustrated because you are able to articulate yourself well - and be heard - in your professional sphere. How hard can it be to get one person to say 'I hear ya!' in your own home??

We do what works for as long as it works.

So in the early days it is all slinging and BFing and cosleeping etc, then it kind of starts to irritate, so you change things just slightly, perhaps BFing, then snuggly for a sleep, perhaps they get a bit wiggly with the cosleeping so you whack them in the cot next to the bed. And so on.

It seems to me that the sitting with her till she gets to sleep isn't working for everyone anymore, so maybe try something else for a bit.

If you (both) keep complaining about it but don't change it then it is just going to get more and more irritating.

Regarding dropping the nap, I think you really need to think seriously about this. I can understand why she takes up to an hour to settle at night if she is allowed to nap until 3.30! Your dh will have to just have to get on with it, you need to do what is best for your dd!

My dd is a similar age to yours, and I have recently dropped her nap, more so because she would wake for a couple of hours every other night, but I have noticed that she falls asleep quicker too. She would be in & out of her room too, but I just return her to her bed, there is NO way I could sit for an hour for her to fall asleep!

My friend did this for her eldest dd, and then when her 2nd dd was born, it just continued for her, as the girls shared a room. It is only recently, now the girls are 5 & 7 that she doesn't do it any more. It was very hard for them to stop doing it, as the girls were very unsettled for some time.

Maybe your dh is just not wanting to talk about it, because what does the talking do? Does it make it easier? Does it mean she sleeps better? Ok, so you are fed up, stressed etc but he knows this. Maybe he doesn't want his whole evening dominated by sleep issues? It takes an hour or so to get her to sleep, then you want to discuss it for even longer. Perhaps he just feels that once she is asleep, it should be adult time, away from the stress of babies etc?

I think you should gradual withdrawal, in the hopes that you at least get her to settle before #2 comes along.

Also, please be careful about him being the only to settle her. This could work out equally as difficult in the long run!

And sorry, but it isn't really a small thing is it? It is causing problems with the 2 of you & that in itself makes it huge! If it were such a small issue in the scheme of things I don't think it would be dominating your every post & your every waking hour! You are more wound up by this than you realise. Please, find an alternative before you are both on your knees!

It doesn't seem like it, but it is exhausting trying to get a child to settle. Even if you are just lying with her, because you can't relax, you are constantly waiting for her to drop off, so you can escape.

I think you've taken on too much. You should be resting a lot more than you are right now, and this is probably compounding much of what you're experiencing.

Self care is key.

And your DH is the other 50% of the parenting rights/responsibilities. Talk it through together about how to create a safe, secure and peaceful transition plan for your DD so that she is put to bed differently by him and settles well.

It isn't fair on your children to make you and you alone the one person who can give them what they need. What happens if/when you can't? It'll leave your DCs high and dry. It also isolates partners.

You don't have to do it this way, it's clearly taking too much out of you under the circumstances, and it might be good to make changes BEFORE the new baby comes along, so there isn't a crisis-based change (your DD may associate the new baby with your withdrawal otherwise.)

"It isn't fair on your children to make you and you alone the one person who can give them what they need. What happens if/when you can't? It'll leave your DCs high and dry. It also isolates partners."

Very wise words.

The OP talks very much in terms of "I" not "we"

There are plenty of different parenting styles, it's not about "right" or "wrong", they can be equally valid. You made a choice to bf your 2 yr old several times a night (long past the age when it's needed at night) - that's great if it worked that time round, but it doesn;t mean it needs to be this way for any subsequent children.

And the sitting by your dd until she falls asleep - again, fine if you both agree on that as the right thing for your family, but it sounds as though you're already feeling a bit martyr -ish and resentful, so time to rethink

Don't forget OP plans to tandem feed. Shirt just gets hairier methinks.

You're mad. No wonder you and your H are stressed, an hour to settle a 2/3yr old . Of course we all parent as we see fit, my DD2 sleeps in my bed every night (she's 3 BTW, I am a single parent), works for us, am sure some would be horrified. But she goes up to bed, teeth, story, cuddle, maybe a short TV programme, then kiss, night night. Same for DD1 an hour later.
I would be beyond crazed if my evenings were eaten into by "settling" a 3yr old. You settle babies, you don't settle children.
You need to sort this out or it will eat you up. Nothing to do with AP at all.

Op I think it is a shame that a thread about the disrespectful way your husband responds to you turned so quickly into a criticism of the smaller issue in your post. As well as wider aspersions as to your parenting style and personality. Very rude, and very unlike the usual supportive tone I see on this board.

As for 'rod for your own back'...yawn.