Should I support my husband, wanting to resign?

[exhausted2011]

I think he is close to a breakdown.
He will not go to the doctors to get signed off, as he works in an environment where that would be seen as weak.
He is worried sick about his mother who has cancer and lives the other side of the world. She is his only relative.
He has threatened to resign for a long time,he works 15-16 hour days, is stressed, irritable, exhausted, emotional. He is a perfectionist and will not take his foot of the gas for a second.
He is very well thought of, in line for major promotion,and earns a lot.
We have only recently got back on our feet financially, and we finally have money in the bank.
I am working, but contract finishes in a couple of weeks so I am on the market again.
He wants me to give him approval to resign.

I know I should, but I am so scared about what he is throwing away financially. He would even lose his shares, which is a huge amount due to him over the next couple of years.
He has looked for another job, but at his level, it's all really word of mouth, and he doesn't have time to go looking.

I am exhausted with it.
He came in last night at 8.30, directly on to a conference call that lasted until 10pm, and then raged for an hour. Then cried.

I feel very sorry for him, but I also don't like the person he has become. And if I am honest I worry about my future with him, either at home or in another job.

He'll be throwing away even more if he does have a nervous breakdown and those are natsy, it can take years to get life back on an even keel. A few months off work (by resigning) or a slower paced job however doesn't make half so much impact. You can't really think you can drive him on for the sake of money when he's crying to you and saying he can't do it anymore surely? Basic humanity dictates you say "well it's hardly ideal, but Darling you can't do what you can't do and only you know if it's got too much".

Will they let him take unpaid leave for 6 or 12 months?

Thatvway he has the option to return. With an I'll mother there may be other compassionate leave options.

No amount of money is worth losing your health over. Please tell him to resign if he is getting this ill . I left a job which was making me desperately unhappy, and affecting my health and my family's health. We will be struggling for a bit but I can face the world smiling at least.

yes, I think he should talk to them about compassionate leave, or some unpaid leave. Rather than jumping in and resigning. I meant to say that, sorry.
He also has the option of asking to move to where his mother is, they have offices there.
He is just so angry, and I can't deal with it anymore.

Exactly - you can't deal with it either - it's everyone who is affected when work takes over. Horrible. I really feel for you.

I agree with the unpaid/compassionate leave option too. His employers have a duty of care to try and help when an employee is ill. Your husband does sound on the verge of a breakdown, which needs sorting out sooner rather than later. My husband had a breakdown last year and that was largely work related too.

Health certainly is more important than money, and if he keeps going like this, he will make himself more ill, and it will be harder to recover from.

He sounds like he is at breaking point, if you don't do something to help it might be out of both of your hands.

If he won't go to the gp does his work have a support system?

But if he resigns then you'll both be out of work? Could he cut his hours?

he used to be quite close to the HR manager who would have supported this I think, but she left recently. I think he is too proud to ask for it.
He mentioned last night that I should talk to his boss,I think I am going to have to.
But this is the boss who is about to promote him!
I think he would be very sympathetic.

He did talk to some counsellor/helpline but not sure they really understood his pressures.

He has been to the doctors a couple of times, but he lacks faith, as she told him to try yoga.
And also he ended up in hospital for 3 weeks after she diagnosed a sinus infection in error!
But he actually has a problem taking the time off to see the doctor, because he will get behind and have more work to do. unbelievable.

yes, we would both be out of work. Savings would last for 6 months maybe, if I got another contract I could support us both.
but he also never reigns in his spending, I would have to take over his finances and have a big fight on my hands!

he's going to have a chat with his boss tomorrow, really about this promotion, but he has to ask about leave, he is going to crack up. He just phoned me between meetings and ranted. He is so fired up and wired, it's like he is on drugs

He couldn't do what he does part time, or 9-5.
It's all encompassing..constant.

Can he change GP?

It sounds very messy, and a catch 22 situation, but if he doesnt do something proper to get this sorted out NOW, he wont be able to function at all and isnt going to be doing his job properly, and the stress will just get worse. You have to convince him of this.

It isnt a sign of weakness to admit that you are struggling with a mental health issue, it is a sign of strength that you are facing up to it and doing something to rectify it. Just burying his head into more paperwork is not going to fix it.

If he has asked you to talk to his boss, then I think that is what you should do. You will probably be able to explain it more clearly than your husband is able to at the moment, and his boss does need to know the situation, so that they can do something to help. Share the workload, reduce hours, give him leave to go see his mother, there are lots of ways that his employers can support him, but only if they are fully aware of how serious the situation is, and can head it off now before it gets worse.

yeah, he could ask to see someone else at the doctors, but I need to get him there first.
I've just emailed him saying he has to ask for time off and I would talk to his boss.

best scenario, we have a couple of months off together, and both find brand new sparkly jobs.

Worst case, we lose everything material.
oh and he has a staff mortgage too!

Honestly try for unpaid leave- it will give breathing space. Some companies call it a career break. Sell that he will come back with more skills. Say he mightbwant to volunteer overseas or something- anything that gets them to see it as a positive.

exhausted, 9 years ago I was in your position. DH was on the brink of a nervous breakdown and I had only just gone back to wrk after maternity leave, cutting down my hours in the process.

I did that mental calculation "Can we afford it?" We could, just. To be honest I've never regretted that decision. DH left and became a SAHD. In addition to getting my husband back, the man I had fallen in love with but who had disappeared under the work stress, I also got a man who discovered he throughly enjoyed the whole full time parenting thing (much to his surprise). DD gained a full time parent and has learnt that men can be nurturing, can cook, shop and change nappies. I hope she takes these lessons into her adult relationships.

DH has subsequently gone back to work. He's taken a step back from his career and gone sideways into a job where his skills are appreciated, if not particularly well renumerated. One of the big lessons we learnt through those years is no amount of money can compensate for an unhappy household. Sod the career, happiness is more important.

His employers would probably rather he have a break to sort himself out, come back refreshed, look at his workload with a view to restructuring it and enjoy his job again, rather than have him leave, which puts them in the position of hiring, retraining, etc.

But he has to communicate with them honestly for that to happen too.

Ok so if he works for a big company do they have a right to a career break after xxx years. Here it is pretty common for those whose children have left home tom take 6 months off- climb mt kilimanjaro, do vso etc but equally I colleague just had a gap year bumming round Asia

my experience was my exP resigned and the stress/depression continued til he ahd an even more major breakdown including violence towards DS.

he tried SAHD - and couldnt hack it. lots of other stuff -hence now ex...

you know him best - does he enojoy the DC and ebing around them? can he cope with managing his time when there is nothing to manage?

persuade him to take sick leave intitially to review options. GP will sign him off for two weeks for sure....

encourage him to discuss options with GP for improiving his mental health

work will continue without him - no one is indispensable.

If he is really worried about how mental health issues are viewed internally then I would make a massive point of his Mum's illness. Stress that this has added to an already exhausted and hard working person and that the distance is too much. ASk for compassionate leave to see his mother, sort out her personal needs etc etc.

I took redundancy from a job with the biggest salary I will ever have. I just couldn't take the hours, the pressure, the politics, the neverending and relentless stress... it was the best thing I have ever done. Now I look at that job for what it was - a culture of intense pressure without actually coming out with anything worthwhile.

I am now self-emplyed and I understand your worries about the timing of this with your contract coming to an end. That is really stressful.

All I will add is this... if he keeps going and does have a breakdown, it will be far far far worse for all of you.

Good luck
Natashaxxx

thanks for the positive stories Bluddymofo and slug

cestlavie
sahd wouldn't suit him

but then that's the problem now. Cos he is so snappy and irritable he has no patience, so leaving him alone with the kids is more stressful.
But he could turn out like slug's DH, and turn it around
he's also useless around the house, nothing gets done unless I do it.
In fact I do everything

thanks Kasbah. I think that's the way to go.
Thing is, his mother is not at death's door just yet.
She has 2 small tumours, inoperable, so chemo and radiotherapy.
We have no idea what the situation is exactly, as she tends to put her head in the sand, and I don't think he wants to hear the worst.
He needs to talk to his mum's consultant as she is being really vague.
more stress

I was in this situation a couple of years back. I didn't want to admit failure and struggled on in a job that was making me miserable. I thought about suicide every single day and would just come home and cry for hours before going to bed and getting up to do it all again the next day. It was no life. My husband always said it was my decision but I really wish he had told me I 'had' to leave the job. In the end he took a promotion 500miles away in the hope it would 'shake things up a bit' (also admitted later that he just couldn't cope with feeling like he couldn't help me and couldn't live with me being so unhappy) but it was very nearly the end for us as I felt so abandonned. I did quit my job with the intention of joining him but by that point was so low and couldn't get over his 'leaving' me. We spent nearly 18 months apart (had only been married five months when he left) but in that time I managed to find another job, lower paid but much lower stress and I started enjoying life again. That improved our relationship greatly and he got another promotion and moved back home in June and by September we were expecting our first child. We could never have considered having a family with the state I was in working the job I hated.

Sorry, that was a bit of an essay. I just wanted to say that finances/career prestige are not worth sacrificing your mental health and relationship for. You've already said you can't go on like this, so I think you need to support him in getting out of what sounds like a hellish work life.

"sahd wouldn't suit him
....he's also useless around the house, nothing gets done unless I do it.
In fact I do everything"

oh dear...this was my situation...i really tried to persuade agaistt resigning work but he insisted so much and insisted on resigning rather than taking time out....so in the end it was like "fine! you do it then!" . it isnt good.

my exP had his mother's death in 2005 as a "reason" for some of his woes... etcetc.

could he take time off and go stay with his mother for a few weeks? legitimate excuse and gets him away to focus on other things?

would tellign him his behviour is impacting on dcs help make him see he has to do something?
does he think he has right to be snappy cozz he is stressed? how much does it impact on dc?