Should I support my husband, wanting to resign?

[exhausted2011]

I think he is close to a breakdown.
He will not go to the doctors to get signed off, as he works in an environment where that would be seen as weak.
He is worried sick about his mother who has cancer and lives the other side of the world. She is his only relative.
He has threatened to resign for a long time,he works 15-16 hour days, is stressed, irritable, exhausted, emotional. He is a perfectionist and will not take his foot of the gas for a second.
He is very well thought of, in line for major promotion,and earns a lot.
We have only recently got back on our feet financially, and we finally have money in the bank.
I am working, but contract finishes in a couple of weeks so I am on the market again.
He wants me to give him approval to resign.

I know I should, but I am so scared about what he is throwing away financially. He would even lose his shares, which is a huge amount due to him over the next couple of years.
He has looked for another job, but at his level, it's all really word of mouth, and he doesn't have time to go looking.

I am exhausted with it.
He came in last night at 8.30, directly on to a conference call that lasted until 10pm, and then raged for an hour. Then cried.

I feel very sorry for him, but I also don't like the person he has become. And if I am honest I worry about my future with him, either at home or in another job.

My DP went through a major breakdown in a similar stressful situation. It was horrible for him, and pretty tough on me as well. Please encourage him to take a step back before that happens; it can take years to recover if he breaks down.

It's not just emotional; if he's been under extreme pressure for a long time there are physiological effects. In a nutshell, excess adrenaline over a long period can interfere with the way the autonomic nervous system (digestion, sleep, sex drive, lots of really important stuff) works. It's a bit like crashing your operating system. It takes a very long time for people to recover from that.

Please encourage him to get himself signed off for a bit; at least that's less permanent than resigning, and you can both take a bit of space to think about what you want. He needs to go and see his GP. And then possibly get some therapy.

If you're in/near London I can PM you contact details for the guy my DP saw, who was amazing for DP.

Finally I can't tell you how much I feel for you. When DP went through this, I found his mood swings and generally extreme state of mind quite frightening, and it's hard to hold steady and keep the faith with someone you love through something like that.

I know this is MN, but still, am sending hugs.

Also two things, FWIW:

1. the therapist my DP saw focused on dealing with stress, rather than all that 'tell me about your mother' stuff which - if he's a driven, solution-oriented type, he may just feel is a waste of time. Again, if you're near London PM me, this guy did amazing things for DP when he was in an absolute state.

2. DP got signed off sick for 6 months, and fretted all the way through that he'd be forgotten. He wasn't. He took a slightly gentler job for a year so as to recover, but then - when he took another job in a similar role to the one that burned him out - was swamped with messages from all over the world saying how pleased they were that he was back.

I meant to ask this further up the thread, what is cbt?
He did a bit of research into this therapist, but not sure of his speciality.
He has been known to join in with cocaine, but he knows I don't approve and I can tell instantly when he has. Strangely it really calms him down. been years btw.

CBT is different to most psychotherapy, in that rather than exploring deep-ingrained patterns rooted in childhood it focuses on understanding the connection between how you think and your actual behaviour.

It's suitable for solution-focused work, for example coping with stress. Lots of the newer approaches are very influenced by meditation and mindfulness: it's basically a set of techniques for being aware of how your mind is working and dodging destructive thought patterns.

Manatee, that's interesting about the other effects, he has terrible digestion problems, and sleep is very up and down too.
We are in London, dh works in the city.

Oh gawd. It sounds worryingly like what DP went through (also works in financial services). Other symptoms were (to name but a few)

• feeling paranoid and out of control
• sudden attacks of temper (he was really, really horrible to me on some occasions but then couldn't remember doing it the next day)
• night terrors
• being unable to sleep more than a few hours a night
• not much sex drive
• using coffee and wine to drive him

If he is suffering adrenal burnout syndrome, you have to get him to understand that this isn't about being 'weak'. It's not psychological, it's physical; and it needs to be taken seriously, or he may never recover. Sod the promotion. Get him signed off.

Bloody hell think I have got a lot to look up.
I'm so glad I started this thread.
Thank you so much

He has a job interview tomorrow, a chat with his boss, and I just booked us a health spa day at the weekend.

Good luck. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

I haven't read the rest of the replies but just wanted to share our experience of similar.

Back in 05 DH was in a similar position and I told him to quit (even though we were TTC and renovating a house) - he was so unhappy it wasn't good for him (but not as bad as your DH sounds). He had lots of accumulated holiday so took some time out just to be by himself and relax. He had about 2/3 months off and we lived off savings and my salary then he found a new job with a by far better co than he was with before (financial in the City) and a couple of years after that he'd worked his way into his dream job and for the first time since I've know him he's really satisfied with his role. Even thouh it's a more stressful/demanding job he's so much mo relaxed than he used to be.

I have no idea whether this wou,d be right for your DH, but it certainly was the best thing for mine.

Excuse the bad typing, I've had a couple of glasses!

OP, you didn't really need to say your DH worked in finance/the City - I think a few of us in the same boat figured that out for ourselves!

Good to know we are not alone.

(I hope some banker-bashers read this and realise it's not all "greedy bankers" and laughing all the way to the bank, as the Daily Mail would have us believe. Our guys are paying for it with their physical and mental health.)

Good luck x

Am really glad that I saw this thread. I am going through the same thing with my dh. He has been suffering at work for a couple of years (not in finance though) and it came to a head last week when he had a mini-breakdown. He has been signed off work for 2 weeks with stress and his work is being completely uncaring about it. Think he is going to have to quit and find something else. It is a scary time but am hoping that he can start to find himself again. He has been going to AA as well because he has been going on binges to 'forget' his troubles.

It is exhausting supporting someone going through this. I feel sick with worry about what is going to happen next. Take care of yourself and try to make sure that you don't get forgotten. People going through this can be very selfish.

CBT = cognitive behavioural therapy - if you put it into the NHS choices website there is a good explanation.

As far as possible adrenal exhaustion. This is over talked but it does actually exist for some. If you google adrenal testing you can get legitimate companies who will test saliva which you collect over a period of time, freeze and send back for testing. It may have to be ordered via a consultation with one of their registered practitioners. It will look at levels of cortisol, testosterone, melatonin among others.

For heavens sake, let him resign. He needs your support to do this: he needs to know you care more about him than about the mortgage.

I have been the burned out one. It took me years to recover.

I would be prepared to bet that a resignation letter will be met with offers of increased support at work to get him to stay, anyway. In which case he should have a request for a month's unpaid leave and package of support for his return up his sleeve.

There is more to life than working himself into an early grave.

I am very encouraged by the positive stories, and for those going through the same I wish you luck too.
I feel we are coming to some sort of crisis point
I was thinking the only way out of it was to leave.
If we come through it, I think it will be a miracle!

I feel for you as I was in a very similar position to you a few years back. You can't tell him to resign because, if theings then don't work out, he'll balme you for it. But he has to know that you will support him if he decides to resign.

I second everyone's who's suggested he take a career break/compassionate leave as that might offer him some breathing space where he can regain perspective.

Can you work out your finances in the event that he resigns so that you can show him on paper that you would survive? That might help address his fear of being 'broke'.

You say he understands the effect this is having on your family but clearly he doesn't, otherwise he'd do something to address it. What do you see happening to you all if this situation continues for say, another 6 months? Does he know this?

My DH took a 50% pay cut to go and do a job he loves - it was the best thing he could ever have done for all of us.

exhausted There's no getting round the fact that it's tough to support someone who's going through that.

I nearly left DP several times when he burned out - he just got so difficult to be around. Especially as I could never tell before I saw/spoke to him whether he was going to end up having a massive rant at him or crying or being super-romantic or what. His behaviour was just so confusing, and it always seemed that no sooner had I relaxed and started to trust that he was still the lovely man I met he'd go bang again and do something else hurtful or frightening. And every time it happened I'd end up feeling exhausted, miserable, paranoid and drained and have to take time off work just to recover from his illness.

In the end though I loved him to bits I said I wouldn't see him until he took major steps to sort himself out. He did, and we're still together, but it was f*cking horrible for a while.

No-one can make the decision except you as to whether you want to stay the course with him or not. But if you decide to try, then make sure you've got support yourself: trusted friends, maybe a therapist, your parents (if you have that relationship with them). And don't think twice about taking yourself/the DC elsewhere for a bit if you need a break. And stick around here, MN can be a great source of support.

thanks maxpower, I know exactly what goes out of our accounts, have spreadsheets etc. He never looks at anything, so maybe if I lay it all out in front of him, it might sink in.
But it's quite simple... our monthly expenditure is X and his net salary is 3 times X.
That's not including mine which is 2 times X.
It's only recently that we have had this money, we had a lot of renovations, repaying debt, me sahm.
Manatee, your experience is so similar.
I have left a couple of times, but I have been torn, believing my marriage vows mean I have to support him through this. But I have forgotten the person he was and why I fell in love with him. He knows this, and knows I need to fall back in love with him. But I'm not sure I will... even if he does get through this.
I am going to do some stuff for me over the next couple of months, I will travel and visit family, and I will have a holiday with DC.without him.
I have to have something to keep me sane

exhausted2011 - I work in the City. I understand exactly what it's like for him.

• if your DP works for a big firm (I bet he does) it's VERY likely that the firm has some kind of arrangements for sabbaticals / career breaks. Almost all big banks do. If he is well regarded and has been there a few years he will qualify.
• but don't ask for 'a break on compassionate grounds because I am knackered' that's not what alpha-males do in the City. Ask for a sabbatical so that he can fulfill his life long dream of climbing Kilimanjaro, or turn around a failing school in India, or cure cancer. (and then have a break becasue he is knackered.. no one cares what you are doing once they can't see you)

He is probably quite right that he can't afford to resign: much of his last few bonus witll have been in deferred shares and therefore he will lose them if he does. Very expensive.

I also agree with him that going sick from stress isn't attractive in this environment. It's perfectly possible, a big firm will have the right policies in place, but not attractive.

Meanwhile he needs to focus on hiring a very good, keen junior to shift workload onto.

Ask first what the sabbatical policies there are. I worked for the top two firms for over 12 years (combined) and neither allowed sabbatical leaves for our teams. It is not because they do not care, it is because in some cases it is impossible to leave the position without a cover or find temporary cover for someone highly skilled. Searches alone can take months.

stubbornhubby, I used to work in the City too,same field, which I think helps a lot.
I understand a lot of the pressure, but he does bring a lot of it on himself. E.g a 1 1/2 hour conference call at 8.30pm, surely he can opt out of one of them once in a while, if he has anything to do someone will let him know?
Everyone on his team and his bosses have told him to slow down, he puts the pressure on himself, he can't take a step back or leave anything undone.
The pressure is not coming from his employer.
No-one else on his desk works the hours or is as committed, and they all leave at 5. But he is head of the desk,so does have other responsibilities
he has been asking for more staff for a while now, and they have agreed, it just seems to be a long process. and even interviewing people and training people causes more stress.

Also, sabbaticals are unpaid. If there is a reason for taking a sick leave, almost certainly it is fully paid. Lots of firms have have their own medical centers and I strongly advise to speak to a doctor their because they will be highly knowledgeable about policies and options to consider (and any consultation is confidential!).

sorry, lots of typos

agree word for word with bingedrinker

(except I've never quite burned out in that sense - just not that driven! - but can see it happening to DH all too easily)

It sounds as though he has issues with control and delegation. Do these extend to his home life as well?