Should I support my husband, wanting to resign?

[exhausted2011]

I think he is close to a breakdown.
He will not go to the doctors to get signed off, as he works in an environment where that would be seen as weak.
He is worried sick about his mother who has cancer and lives the other side of the world. She is his only relative.
He has threatened to resign for a long time,he works 15-16 hour days, is stressed, irritable, exhausted, emotional. He is a perfectionist and will not take his foot of the gas for a second.
He is very well thought of, in line for major promotion,and earns a lot.
We have only recently got back on our feet financially, and we finally have money in the bank.
I am working, but contract finishes in a couple of weeks so I am on the market again.
He wants me to give him approval to resign.

I know I should, but I am so scared about what he is throwing away financially. He would even lose his shares, which is a huge amount due to him over the next couple of years.
He has looked for another job, but at his level, it's all really word of mouth, and he doesn't have time to go looking.

I am exhausted with it.
He came in last night at 8.30, directly on to a conference call that lasted until 10pm, and then raged for an hour. Then cried.

I feel very sorry for him, but I also don't like the person he has become. And if I am honest I worry about my future with him, either at home or in another job.

oh, cestlavie, he knows the damage it's causing

we talk about it a lot, and has caused so much trouble and arguing
he doesn't see the kids a lot, but in his current state of mind, that's probably good

he's just called me and said "if i speak to his boss, he will never get the promotion, and we need more money cos we are broke"

he was frantic,

we are far from broke, i don't know what he is talking about

i think he is delusional

exhausted2011 I just wanted to offer my sympathies to you.

My DH has bad days when he can be like this. Also in a high-pressure, non-9-to-5 job, he and I have discussed him seeking medical help for stress/depression (mild depression) and he has also declined.

This job market sucks...some companies are using the large number of jobseekers as an excuse to take the p*ss out of employees (okay, they get good salaries, but even so). DH says that he's been in meetings where the news of another employee suffering from burn-out is a shrug of the shoulders. There are plenty more fish in the sea, it seems.

I've been there myself in my last job and going to the GP to get signed-off for a few days was the best thing I ever did.

With my DH, I am trying to be supportive, helping him to talk through how he feels when he's had a bad day, but I am refusing to take the problems onto myself. I've told him we will be able to work out our finances (which I manage) and stay afloat for 3-6 months if he does resign, but the decision to do so is his, not mine.

Luckily, so far, DH seems able to put it down to "a bad day" and move on. He's taken the odd day off here and there, works from home a bit more than he used to, and (thank goodness!) we have a family holiday coming up during which we can spend some time thinking about it.

Good luck. I don't know what else to say, but wanted to say, as others have done, that you are not on your own!

Don't lose sight of yourself in all of this - you matter too! x

i think you need to get him to a gp.

fast.

can you make an appt for tomorrow monring and take him there yourself? be there in the appt? tell it like it is? all the rages, franticness, delusions...

has he ever expressed his anger phsyically?
smashed his fist on things?
broke anything?

what does he too to calm himself down?

does he rage at you?

Sorry, that should read:

"DH says that he's been in meetings where the news of another employee suffering from burn-out is met with a shrug of the shoulders."

I just want to sound a note of caution - you mentioned your DH being unable to rein in his spendinngd and then he was ranting about being broke if he didn't get this promotion. I don't want to depress you even more, but is there any chance he's run up debts that you don't know about?

I really hope I'm wrong here, but it's a bit more likely than delusions.

Best of luck sorting this out.
x

I don't think she needs to be at death's door, this is about him not being able to find out what is going on, support her in a practical way, emotionally or financially without being over there.

It also puts the excessive stress reaction in to a context that is perhaps a little less scary for his work. Don't get me wrong, it is disgusting how few companies actually take responsibility for creating or exacerbating MH issues with their staff. However, I do know that you have to have an eye on the future. On his future. Once he is out of that environment he may choose never to go back. Or he may be able to isolate the many individual issues that are currently lumped together in to one major major problem. Work might not be the worst part of that.

I guess what I am saying is you are buying him some time to come to his own decision about his future. I can see that financially that is scary but getting compassionate leave might mean at least a few weeks of that are on some sort of pay level. How many weeks can you be signed off as sick on full or part pay? It should be equal to that. If it isn't, he should be able to claim some benefits. Not a lot, but hopefully enough to take some pressure off you.

What about your mortgage? Lots of companies let you take a mortgage holiday. Can you look in to that? Also, talk to your utilities companies and see if you can lower your payments in the short term. All these things will help.

It doesn't matter to work whether he goes for a week or 6 months, he doesn't need to show his air tickets or justify anything. Hopefully his bosses will be pleased if she DOESN'T get worse or die, rather than thinkig they are letting him have time out to say his last goodbyes.

Take care

Yes, Cestlavie, he has broken things, yes a lot of the time he takes it out on me, not physically ever. He can't calm
down that's the problem. He recently started counselling but all they seem to talk about is his childhood and upbringing, nothing about how to combat stress.
Makescakes, he has a very strange attitude to money, he is obsessed with paying off the mortgage. He thinks were broke cos we aren't booking 5 luxury holidays a year, like some of his colleagues. He loves to look like the generous one and, and loves to buy cases pf wine, that kind of thing. He just has no idea about real money. I know he has money in the bank.
Our mortgage is at a staff rate, payments would double if we had to change it. Still managable.
Sorry not answering everything, on phone now!

he has broken things in anger and rage?

it is a bit of an explosive situation - you really need tog et him to talk to GP sooner rather than later.

you also need to rethink strategies so if he taking it out on you you try saying "it isnt fair to take it out on me, i will listen for five minutes then you have to find another outlet"

or suggest he takes a walk or something else

maybe counselling is bringing out stuff he doesnt want to face and isnt helping (when it comes on top of stresful work situation) ?

my exP got worse when he started CBT...as they were asking him to face up to things he didnt want to face up to eg listing negative and positive things about your life etc.

but - counselling - he could go into next session and say what he wants from it: "can we discuss strategies to deal with stress?"

maybe push the sick mother line - tell him he must go see her fr a two-week visit, his work has to buy that as a reason for time off. he ocould tellw rok he needs lave take as holiday or he could ask GP to sign him off on that basis.

leave as holiday

ps check his body make sure he not self harming

I worked on the trading floor of the famous american investment bank. A colleague had a breakdown and went on sick leave for months. It was not nice (like it or not mental illness has stigma attached to it), BUT the company had and more importantly was willing to support him as he was a very experienced and smart employee. Colleagues loved him and were happy when he came back. When he returned his role changed, but he was very happy for that as it allowed him to ease into work gently, whilst suffering not financial loss (as I know).

I would encourage him to go the company doctor as they understand the industry pressure much more than GP.

I have a friend who was signed off sick (for about a year) with stress from a Bank. At the end he was let go, but now has a far more fullfilling and interesting job (dealing with micro-finance in Africa).

Money isn't everything

Most people I know have rich years and poor years, ones where the money is certain and others where it isn't. We survive, and can have far richer lives for it.

Well I'm glad that isn;t an issue, but it's a shame he has that sort of attitude to money, it is going to make life more difficult if he does resign.

Once again, good luck
xx

I would push for extended sick leave so that he has a job to go back if he wants it.

My DH didn't ask for help and quit his job on the verge of a nervous breakdown, i did support him because he genuinely didn't want to work in the industry he was in any more. But we've just come out of 3 yrs of misery while he recovered and then couldn't find another job. Its been very difficult and stressful. A friend of his was similiar, was diagnosed with depression but took leave to recover and went back after a year.

sorry haven't had time to read all the thread, but can he have a sabbatical? i work for the nhs and they support people who do this, basically a person chooses a different area to work in for a year or so, but their job is held open or filled on a temporary basis, i am sure there is more to it than that, but may be different for each company, so sorry to hear about your situation sounds like you are both good people who just have a lot on your plate,

I don't want to go home, I don't want to talk to him.
I don't want to hear the ranting and raving, the same subjects over and over.

I want to go to bed and sleep

I understand where you're coming from, i've been in exactly your position. Everybody is made miserable. Unfortunately nothing is going to get better by itself, ask him to take a few days holiday, (or sick leave) research all the options and then discuss and agree a way forward.

This is what i wish i'd asked my DH to do to get some perspective before he quit.

I never thought DH would take to being a SAHD. MIL and I privately made a bet that he wouldn't last 6 months. In fact it was 6 years before he went back to work.

Incidentally, when DH went back to work he proudly put "Full time parent" in his CV. He never found it to be an issue. In fact, his first job back it was looked on with approval as he had to have contact with families of children with complex medical issues and it was thought he demonstrated empathy in his job application simply by mentioning it. (If only it was so easy for women )

Did i say sabbatical, think i meant secondment!

IME, working in that kind of environment can give people a twisted sense of the real world.

They have colleagues who, seemingly, on the same salary can afford luxury holidays, nice cars and so on.

But if you scratch the surface, the colleagues might come from moneyed families, have been working in that environment from the start of their careers, got lucky with property decisions or investments, or are just a bit older with a few more years of earning under their belts.

OR they have wives who earn similar money. OR they have wives who insist upon five luxury holidays a year, even if it goes on the credit card.

Oh, and the luxury holidays are often possible because business travel racks up enough air miles and hotel points that the flights and hotels are heavily subsidised.

DH and I would be considered "rich" based on the salary he earns, but paying off the mortgage and luxury holidays remain a distant dream. However, we own both of our cars and are otherwise debt-free with good pension funds.

Anyway, OP, based on your last message it sounds to me as if you may be suffering from stress/depression yourself. Please do not lose sight of yourself in all of this!

Very true Mrstroll, about the airmiles etc.
I often wonder about my own depression, but I'm not depressed, just bloody miserable!!

I am committing the sin of not reading the whole thread as (ironically, given the subject matter) need to get some urgent work stuff done tonight. You mention that he is frequently raging but won't rein in his spending, those are big warning signs for manic depression - which is suffered by a lot of high functioning people as their mania can be displayed as brilliance. Or of course it may just be that, more simply, he is so unhappy that spending gives him the endorphine lift he needs to keep going so he's self-medicating as others do with alcohol and food.

You must get him to a doctor. Frankly, given everything you describe he has a responsibility to seek medical help or he risks losing his family and you need to explain this to him (in as non-threatening was as possible)

Good luck!

All the monehy in the world will not buy him health. Encourage him to resign.

Yes definitely but if you are concerned about him not reigning in his spending I would set some ground rules which he has to adhere to.

You need to create space for something bigger and better to come in.

"He recently started counselling but all they seem to talk about is his childhood and upbringing, nothing about how to combat stress."

Frankly don't think this is the right kind of counselling for him right now. He would probably be better helped by a CBT therapist specialised in workaholism/stress who would help him challenge his current rigid thinking and rigid standards and current behaviours (and yoga as mentioned by the GP is not a ridiculous suggestion as a way to take an hour here and there to de-stress but him finding it ridiculous shows how very far he is from being able to consider this sort of self care). He sounds like he is completely stuck in "all or nothing" thinking.

You say he seems drugged up sometimes. Is it possible he is using any drugs such as cocaine? It's not unknown in that world.