Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Should I support my husband, wanting to resign?

98 replies

exhausted2011 · 16/03/2011 09:51

I think he is close to a breakdown.
He will not go to the doctors to get signed off, as he works in an environment where that would be seen as weak.
He is worried sick about his mother who has cancer and lives the other side of the world. She is his only relative.
He has threatened to resign for a long time,he works 15-16 hour days, is stressed, irritable, exhausted, emotional. He is a perfectionist and will not take his foot of the gas for a second.
He is very well thought of, in line for major promotion,and earns a lot.
We have only recently got back on our feet financially, and we finally have money in the bank.
I am working, but contract finishes in a couple of weeks so I am on the market again.
He wants me to give him approval to resign.

I know I should, but I am so scared about what he is throwing away financially. He would even lose his shares, which is a huge amount due to him over the next couple of years.
He has looked for another job, but at his level, it's all really word of mouth, and he doesn't have time to go looking.

I am exhausted with it.
He came in last night at 8.30, directly on to a conference call that lasted until 10pm, and then raged for an hour. Then cried.

I feel very sorry for him, but I also don't like the person he has become. And if I am honest I worry about my future with him, either at home or in another job.

OP posts:

bemybebe · 17/03/2011 12:47

Last comment. I understand why people encourage you to let your dh leave his job, but again, you have to think very very carefully about the financial implication and whether it is the only way out. Many firms provide life long support to someone who suffered from a long term condition up to and including paying basic salary or % of it up to the retirement age. Again, personal experience, a colleague of mine suffered terrible complications during a routine surgery 8years ago and will never be able to return to his previous position. The firm pays him 80% of his basic salary (adjusted yearly for inflation) until he reaches retirement age.

If your situation qualifies for medical intervention, I would seriously think about everything (including financial considerations). Financial stress can in itself make the condition worse. Good luck!!

stubbornhubby · 17/03/2011 13:22

exhausted - it sounds like a solution is in his own hands then: he is sufficiently empowered and with a determined, prioritised plan to hire and delegate he can fix it without resigning.

perhaps you can help him by talking about it in a different way - specifically not presenting it as you have for MN 'you are overwhelmed/near breaking / need help' but focussing on it more as a work task like any other: deliverable: have two extra resources in place by end Q2, doing these roles, make plan, deliver plan. You know what I am talking about. So it's a positive thing, not a defensive thing.

Original poster

exhausted2011 · 17/03/2011 14:24

ooh bloody hell, he is in with his boss now
He's gonna come out with a promotion and more responsibility, I bet.
not a couple of months off, and a sense of relief.

OP posts:

LoveBeingKnockedUp · 17/03/2011 14:51

Fingers crossed

stubbornhubby · 17/03/2011 15:00

hiring some staff, and using them to leverage himself will make him more effective, and is the kinf thing that GETS you promoted... it has 'management material' written all over it.

Original poster

exhausted2011 · 17/03/2011 16:47

I give up.
yes more responsibility, he gets more people, and he has to delegate more.

I really give up
nothing is going to change

he's all happy now

OP posts:

MrsBloomingTroll · 17/03/2011 16:54

More money with the extra responsibility?

If not he's a mug...

Original poster

exhausted2011 · 17/03/2011 16:57

yeah more money

I had just figured that the only way to save our marriage was for him to leave this job

And now he's not.

He is still going to rant and rave, stress, shout, irritable.
He's unbearable to live with, how is that going to change?

OP posts:

MrsBloomingTroll · 17/03/2011 17:06

Sorry, my last message was unnecessarily abrupt due to a screaming toddler!

I really feel like the industry our DHs are in is about selling your soul to the devil.

A broken or dysfunctional marriage seems to go with the territory for many.

Some partners seem to agree to the pact with the devil and get on with it. I'm lucky in that (for now at least) my DH recognises what's going on and hasn't been completely sucked-in by it.

I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say. Whatever you decide, take care x

ChupaChups · 17/03/2011 19:15

So much for him wanting to resign! Sounds like he's already made his bed. He doesn't seem to care too much about how all this affects you. At this point, I would be working out what I wanted and if I was willing to put up with it all.

Sorry to be so negative but I'm a PA and have seen all this sort of crap at the coalface. Alpha males invariably don't change.

maxpower · 17/03/2011 19:27

exhausted, I know that's not what you wanted to hear from him right now, but is there any chance that with this new role and more staff, things may improve?

Does he truly realise that unless things change, he may lose his family?

cestlavielife · 17/03/2011 23:23

he isnt going to change.

but you now face the task of deciding how you can change.

how you change your reaction to his behaviour.

he has made a choice.

if it doesnt make him happy - well you dont have to lsiten to his rants. you can leave the room, go out, ask him to take a walk.

time to get tough.

if he does xxx eg starts ranting
you calmly walk away to another room saying "you made your choice, I am not going to listen to your rants".

list for yourself the behaviours you do not like think how you usually react to them - and change this; you an only change your reaction. that might push him to rethink how he is behaving.

Original poster

exhausted2011 · 18/03/2011 10:34

Scaredofcows, yes he is very controlling at home.
But more like he hates it when things are out of his control, not controlling towards me.
the only way this could work, is if he steps away from his current role, forgets the issues around it and gets involved in the new one( different region)
but first he has to do a bit of hiring and firing and travelling.
So it's not going to change overnight.
I just want some relief.
Can't wait to finish work, and I will get a bit of rest time, hopefully.

I will have to set some rules.
that bloody blackberry can go, and I refuse to listen to the desk issues anymore, I don't want to know. He never takes my advice anyway. So he can sound off to someone else.

I don't think he really realises what it at stake.
I don't think he realises I am at breaking point.

Will discuss all of this over the weekend.

OP posts:

Original poster

exhausted2011 · 18/03/2011 10:35

thanks for all your advice btw. It's been really helpful, opened my eyes to a lot

OP posts:

bingethinker · 18/03/2011 18:26

lol, were you referring to me?

I'm a thinker, not a drinker.....I burned out at the behest of others, with two pre-school children and a clinically depressed stay at home dad to look after. Long ago, thankfully. But it taught me where my priorities lie.

Original poster

exhausted2011 · 21/03/2011 10:23

well, we didn't really sort anything out over the weekend.
I really want to give up.
the spa day was a bit of a washout.
He moaned a lot, and had no energy, seriously after one length in the pool, he said, that's me done.
When we got back, he said he hadn't wanted to go, didn't want my mum there( she was looking after DS)
made allsorts of excuses.
I told him I felt it was our last chance for some time together, to relax, to de-stress and he couldn't take that opportunity.
There were some plus points, we did laugh a bit, and we went out Friday night, bit impromtu, had nice meal, but I think they have just been completely swamped by the moaning and bitching and horrible behaviour of yesterday. Arguing in front of my mum etc.
I told him not to make a bad atmosphere, she had looked after DS and was cooking our dinner, so be nice.
He then fell asleep in the other room, where I left him.
He asked me do I think we are going to make it, and I said "i don't think so"
he said we will, but gives no indication of how we are going to fix things
I give up
he is away a lot over the next couple months
I will just make the most of that,and booking a couple of breaks away with DS and my family.
I have to, for my sanity

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 21/03/2011 15:56

go talk to a relationship counsellor while he is away.

go on your own.,

get some objective perspective.

so you are clearer on what you want.

if you decide to put up for the loing term - your decision.
if you want change - your decision. might help you think thru what you really want here.

otherwise you will just drift on for months/years.....

Original poster

exhausted2011 · 21/03/2011 16:39

i want out, or at least a break from him
I can't see it getting any better

OP posts:

ChupaChups · 21/03/2011 18:43

Poor you.

The spa day was a lovely idea. Sadly it doesn't sound like he appreciated or your Mum being there looking after the kids/cooking dinner.

It sounds as if you have done all you can. There is no point in flogging a dead horse. You will just run yourself into the ground.

Maybe see a counsellor. It might help. Otherwise I would slowly start planning to break away. Sorry, it must be very hard but some things run their course then no longer serve a purpose. It's best to know when to go.

Original poster

exhausted2011 · 22/03/2011 12:35

i have seen a counsellor before, she was lovely and sympathetic, but I didn't really get a lot out of it.
It was just someone to talk to really. We had joint counselling and then I went to her myself.
I think she just wanted to tell me to leave him.
This was over a year ago now, it's been going on that long.
I think we are over, but he is not going to give up easily.
I think our only hope is for him to leave work, it might happen, he is still talking to a number of people, needs to see the next person up, etc.

OP posts:

Kiwinyc · 22/03/2011 13:04

I would enjoy the time apart tbh. My Dh is a stress bunny as well and we've talked long and hard about how his sometimes extreme behaviour affects the people around him.

I tell him to stop moaning when he's being negative.
I've told him to find a healthier outlet (i.e. the gym) for his ranting and raving and I've told him i don't want to live with someone that behaves like he does because it makes us all miserable.

Unless your DH undertakes to look seriously at the way he behaves and becomes more self aware nothing will change, no matter what job he does.

My DH has taken it onboard and does his best to modify his behaviour but I can tell you our marriage is better - calmer and more relaxed now - because DH took a job in the ME and we only see him every 3-4 wks!

Whether or not this become a deal breaker in the future when we all move out to be together later in the year is still to be seen.

I think you have to communicate to your DH that the way he behaves to stress is both wounding to your relationship and potentially a deal breaker - I suspect that changing or quitting the job may stop aggravating that behaviour, but he still has to take a look at himself and how he reacts to any stress in his life.

cestlavielife · 22/03/2011 13:11

i d ont think resigning will be the answer - he (people, everyoine, you and me we alldo) needs to have a job/something to do.

unless he leaves to do something else, another job or retraining something specific then the problems wont go away.

Original poster

exhausted2011 · 22/03/2011 15:41

sorry, I mean if he gets a new job.
then he could have a couple of months off before he starts, a nice fresh start.

thanks kiwinyc, I would consider that, might be a compromise!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4