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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partners ex wants to come to my wedding!

35 replies

birty · 15/03/2011 18:12

Me and my partner of 12 years are getting married this year. My partner has a son with his ex and we have him regulary and he is going to be partners best man. I have three children with my future husband that live with us full time. I get on with his ex because its more pleasent for everyone but she's not my cup of tea as a friend. she has said to my partner that she is looking forward to see her son in a suit and getting an outfit for herself for the wedding. i dont know why she thinks that she is invited as i dont want her there! How do i nicely let her know that it is my partners and my day and that i dont want her there? Im not a jealious person but i do feel she's invading my space on my wedding day. Any opinions or suggestions welcome.

OP posts:

Tanee58 · 15/03/2011 18:17

Hi Birty, firstly, congratulations! I appreciate you'd feel uncomfortable with her there - it's your day and you don't want anyone distracting attention.

Could you ask your partner to have a tactful word with her? It would be better, coming from him.

MigratingCoconuts · 15/03/2011 18:18

I can see your point, its difficult.....however, wouldn't her son want her there? I know its not his wedding but it would say a lot of the unity of the family. How old is he?

I might well be talking bollocks here because I have no experience of this situation, so please feel free to ignore me in the light of all the excellent advise that will follow

littleducks · 15/03/2011 18:19

I think you should invite her as she is your dss mum tbh, she doesnt need to be too involved or sit on the top table or anything

BluddyMoFo · 15/03/2011 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CointreauVersial · 15/03/2011 18:21

I think you should count yourself very lucky that you have a good relationship with her, and that she's not planning to spend your wedding day sticking pins in a voodoo doll of you.

It's not unheard of to invite an exP, but I would say it's up to your DP. And definitely better coming from him!

Tanee58 · 15/03/2011 18:21

I had a friend whose new husband's ex-wife came to their wedding. It seemed a bit strange initially, but everyone got on ok after the initial double take.

FoiledAgain · 15/03/2011 18:27

What did your partner say to her when she expressed these views?

MillsAndDoom · 15/03/2011 18:31

I can see why she'd want to see her DS and I can totally understand why you may feel uncomfortable about it - however if you don't then don't do it - it is your wedding after all.

MillsAndDoom · 15/03/2011 18:32

Actually after a bit of consideration I would do it just for a continued harmonious relationship

Original poster

birty · 15/03/2011 18:32

she one of those people who likes to be centre of attension. She has on occations ignored me in my own house and chatted and giggled with my partners sisters. I feel shes invading my space which should be my family and friends and she neither. Her son is 15 and he was a page boy at her wedding. My wedding is my day i didnt want to go to her wedding and neither did my partner. I dont understand why she would want to come except of course to see her son dressed up.

OP posts:

Original poster

birty · 15/03/2011 18:33

my partner didnt know what to say when she made these comments and now i suppose she thinks its confirmed that shes coming!

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 15/03/2011 18:34

Oh, he's older than I realised...that makes it different then (I was picturing a 6 year old, which makes no sense with the dates in your op )

I wouldn't want her there, her son is a big boy and can cope and she can look at photos...

PonceyMcPonce · 15/03/2011 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hardandsleazy · 15/03/2011 18:37

If you take out the ex dimension (as it sounds given length of relationship etc that this isn't issue) isn't this a classic wedding situation of the pain in the arse relative? Only you an do know if her pita ways would outweigh the keeping the peace element. Personally I think invite her but put her away from you. Usually at weddings there are so many people that you barely get any time with anyone in particular If try to see all your guests so that would also limit impact. Also IMHO mad antics of relatives usually makes for good stories later to reminisce over with dh.

Hardandsleazy · 15/03/2011 18:39

Ah missed your latest post- then agree with ponce idea if really an face her. Although suspect however show offy she is that her impact may be limited at wedding (it's quite hard to upstage a bride)

KathyImLost · 15/03/2011 18:43

Yep, her son being older makes a big difference. Tell her numbers are limited & you can't invite her. Maybe you could compromise and have her at the evening do? I wouldn't tho, if I'm honest.

Original poster

birty · 15/03/2011 18:47

oh She also wants to bring her daughter from her marriage with her and we are telling people only children of the family. Her husband wont come she said that to my partner but she and daughter are looking forward to it.

OP posts:

unpsychicsally · 15/03/2011 18:47

No Way, absolutely not, it is your day and you should only have people that you can DP want there.

I think she is being unreasonable to expect to be invited, nobody should expect to be invited to any wedding, especially an ex.

Your DP needs to make her understand that she's not invited and if she acts shocked he should ask why she thought she would be.

Yes it is nice that it is amicable between you all but why would you invite her to your wedding and if you are already worrying about it you will only worry about it more as the wedding gets nearer.

BitOfFun · 15/03/2011 18:51

Just say that they are welcome at the Church/ ceremony (which is a public event), but that you are tight on numbers for the reception. Unless you are inviting the world and his wife, in which case I think you are being a little churlish.

unpsychicsally · 15/03/2011 18:51

You could ring her and say "ex, DP said that you mentioned our wedding, I wanted to talk to you about that, i'm really sorry but we're actually quite limited for numbers and there are friends and relatives that we haven't had room for so i'm sure that you'll understand why we haven't invited you"

FoiledAgain · 15/03/2011 18:52

Yep time for DP to put her straight. Don't let him stick his head in the sand for a quiet life.

thisisyesterday · 15/03/2011 18:54

i think your partner should tell her tbh

either that or just don't send her an invite??? or do you think she'll turn up anyway?

if so get him to talk to her, he can just say that he feels it's inappropriate for her, as his ex, to be at the wedding.
you shouldn't need to use numbers etc as an excuse...

MamaMtundu · 15/03/2011 18:57

No Way. She should not be there, far too weird. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. My partner's ex wouldn't have dreamed of inviting herself to our wedding years ago and neither did she invite us to hers. too weird. and yes, we all get on well.

your partner needs to clear up this misunderstanding.

Original poster

birty · 15/03/2011 18:58

yes i think your right and my partner speak to her or if he hasnt the guts tell her numbers are limited

OP posts:

Original poster

birty · 15/03/2011 18:59

got to go to a parents evening now but will look at posts when i get back. thank you everyone

OP posts:

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