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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So he has gone at last..why do I feel so wretched?

136 replies

memorylapse · 14/03/2011 12:56

Following on from my previous threads, H finally left today after confessing he had strong feelings for the woman he had the EA with, he said he cant shake them off, he thought by staying, that the feelings would sbside, but they havent, he said he cares for me, but that he doesnt feel a spark etc. We had been coasting since christmas anyway..

He reckons he hasnt gone to stay with her..yeah rightHmm..I should be releived that I finally have some closure..instead I feel tortured..I keep imagining them together, laughing and joking at work,etc..I feel sickSad

OP posts:
Original poster
memorylapse · 16/03/2011 09:41

Hissyfit..he might think you are on a break but as thumbwitch said that can be permanent. Dont engage in spoken conversation with him, texts, emails. Because you can answer them when it suits you and you dont have to speak to him.

I cried all yesterday but took some comfort in todays gym induction which is in half an hour. I am not going to let myself fall apart over another human being

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LittleMissHissyFit · 16/03/2011 13:05

He doesn't text/email. Forrin. His native language is squiggles.

I have no reason to talk to him at all. Only call him generally to pass phone to DS. Even then DS is reluctant at the moment to talk...

There was an issue i needed to speak to him about, but I've solved that now, so tbh, that is it for me, bar him sending money as and when, until he sells the flat in Alex.... and that will be years probably.

Cross this bridge when it comes to it, but he is saying he'll come back in November for a visit, DS Birthday, christmas etc..

Not entirely sure where he thinks he'll be staying... Hmm

Good thinking memorylapse, there's the spirit! How dare another saddo human being make you feel like this. Who the hell is he to do that to you.

Keep going love. It gets better. And even better eventually, so I've heard!!

PeterAndreForPM · 16/03/2011 13:20

hissy, you need to disabuse him of the idea that he will stay in your house when he visits

if you let him think he is from now, it will be harder to tell him he isn't nearer the time

thumbwitch · 16/03/2011 13:21

November is a good way off, LMHF. Plenty of time to find a local B&B for him to stay in. Grin you could always turn the spare room (assuming you have one) into an office/ playroom/ lodger's room so there is physically no room for him at yours.

And, tbh, there is no guarantee he will actually come back then so you could be fretting (slightly) for nothing.

How about you get caller ID on your phone and wait for him to call DS?

thumbwitch · 16/03/2011 13:22

oh and well done on the gym induction, memory! hope you don't ache too much! Grin

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/03/2011 14:10

Pete, I know, I KNOW, he can stay in London with friends if need be. I want him to see DS, for all the normal obligation reasons/for DS to know him. Trouble is, that desire to see him will have to be impelled by me.

No need to sit you down to tell you that 'H' has another son, 2 junctions down the motorway, must be 14 or thereabouts I think. I've known 'H' since 2000. He's never seen him, the mother won't let him. he's texted, phoned etc, 90% of the time she won't even pick up.

She said to him 'DS and I are a package, you can't have one without the other' When he went, I told him that she had said that, but that I say the opposite, he has a DS, whether or not he has me, I would expect him to make an effort and not let him down.

ha ha thumb, you seem to have mistaken him for Dad of the Decade.. HIM call to speak to DS....???

Sadly think I'm going to have to learn how to protect my gorgeous boy's self esteem when he realises that Dad isn't there, isn't involved or wants to be.

WTF did I do that for? Why did I settle for this? What a fucking idiot. My fuck up is going to hurt my precious son.

Anyway Monkeyboy has a friend coming over for tea, need to tidy up before they trash it, and do the rice for the Chilli I've done.

Back later (apols for hijack)

xxXxx

PeterAndreForPM · 16/03/2011 14:13

hissy...just out of interest, how do you know that the mother of H's other son is the one that blocks contact ?

did he tell you that ?

thumbwitch · 16/03/2011 14:14

well I did rather wonder if he would bother his arse.:(
But if he doesn't, and your DS doesn't particularly want to talk to him, then why bother? Let your DS dictate when he wants to talk to his dad, and if his dad doesn't think it's enough, well the answer is in his hands, isn't it.

thumbwitch · 16/03/2011 14:26

Peter anyone fancy wandering over here for a bit? Someone is going to get hurt...

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/03/2011 18:10

Pete, I've seen him call, text and what have you, she never answers, she never replies, he even said if she needed financial input, to let him know. She has said, apparently that her DS will decide at 16 if he wants contact.

Picked the boys up.

Sad didn't hear the context, but on the walk home from school, the comment from the 4yo was 'You don't have a Dad, My dad's at home'

Fair dues to DS, he said, I do have a dad, but he's not living with us.

Fucking marvellous. How shit can I feel? Sad

PeterAndreForPM · 16/03/2011 18:35

ok, hissy, I hought it worh questioning

because we know he folly of taking a bloke's word for everything don't we ?

aww, that was a nasty thing to hear on the way home from school, but The Boy Wonder did good, and he will have to ge used to it, I am afraid. Kids can be little shits.... Sad

PeterAndreForPM · 16/03/2011 18:35

thought

LittleMissHissyFit · 16/03/2011 20:00

Oh yeah especially HIS word....

I do tend to question everything now. some things stack up, others don't.

I'm in a foul mood now sadly, it'll pass, before I really let rip on AIBU, I'll slope off to do some work, and have an early night.... picking the new wheels up tomorrow!!! yeyeyeye!

da55 · 16/03/2011 20:02

sorry just stay strong.

PeterAndreForPM · 16/03/2011 20:28

yay, new wheels !

ML how ya doing ?

Original poster
memorylapse · 16/03/2011 22:25

bit of an up and down day here, went to the VW garage to look at trading down my people carrier for a bean can, sadly I cant afford the people carrier..

have cried a lot today..I have 16 years to grieve for..I guess this is normal..I want to wake up and not have any feelings for him

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 16/03/2011 22:27

it's normal, I am sure

thumbwitch · 16/03/2011 22:46

It is normal. GOod days and bad. But the good days will grow in number and the bad days will become further apart - and then you'll have a few bad days close together and think you're going backwards, but you're not, it's just part of the process. Swings and roundabouts - but eventually it passes, honestly. :)

Original poster
memorylapse · 16/03/2011 23:46

thanks both..I am ringing the tax credits office tomorrow to get my new tax credits award sorted and also housing benefit. I need to speak with my LL to broach the subject of him letting me stay here if Im on HB

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ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 17/03/2011 00:08

ML - do you need to tell him if you can make the rent? I wouldn't, why stir up trouble?

Crying is very normal and will last a while, no matter how much you know you are actually better off!!

Have you bought the paint yet??

Original poster
memorylapse · 17/03/2011 09:05

Chipping..I cant pay the rent, I dont even earn £650 a month, so Im going to have to claim housing benefit etc and he will know as it will be paid direct to him. When I moved in it clearly said No DSS No HB on the ad

no painting sadly as rented house but am off to buy some feature wall transfers, voile, new bedding for bedroom today

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SlightlyMadSpook · 17/03/2011 09:22

I think it will be less of a problem than you think.

He knows you, and won't have to pay agency fees to get tennants in. It can be a problem when you are looking for a new place but seeing as you are already there and if hyou get HB he KNOWS he will get paid it shouldn't be a problem.

I think that the reason a lot of places say no HB is because there is a bit of sterotype that if you get HB you can come with other baggage so it is percieved as "safer" for them to steer clear. As you are already there he will know you don't come with teh sterotypical "baggage" so you are in a stronger position than as a new tennant IYSWIM.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/03/2011 09:28

Yes, LMHF, you are on a break. It just so happens to be a lifetime break. He can't make you take him back. He can't make you do anything, except let you see his son, which is fair enough. That'll be just enough seeing him to remind you how great it is that you will never live together again. Never.

I found buying my own car a massive symbol of freedom. I'd had several before, but XH was always the one who "did cars" so I felt he was in charge of that area. Now I haz car and it is mine. He asked to borrow it once. I did laugh.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/03/2011 09:34

Hmm, I seem to have missed a whole page of replies out there, sorry Blush

Original poster
memorylapse · 17/03/2011 10:26

Spook..yep Im hoping that too..he knows Ive been a good tenant and he can see the house is being looked after.

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