Okay, so it's about time. And I need help

[ohshitithinkitsthattime]

But I'm going to test namechange first.

You can just preview your post, you know.

Right.

I need to leave. Well, end the marriage.

I have 3 dcs. I own the home and am supporting us all financially.

I do not know how I will be able to carry on working though, but I NEED to. It is the biggest thing terrifying me atm.

I thought I could get something, but I can't. This relationship has been dead for a long long time. Been unhealthy from near enough day one. Started off really erupting when he resorted to DV (only a handful of times, and was really pushed, but never since, and NO I do not think it is ok). I rather childishly ended up, the evening after this happened once, on a night out. Long story short, that resulted in an affair (with someone I already knew). I justified it because of his actions. Obviously that was not ok.

Anyway, he found out. "Forgave" me and we tried to move on. I think I was so grateful that he was so ok about it that I didn't actually think about whether I wanted to be in the relationship or not anymore.

Anyway, then he did something REALLY bad. I will not go into it, but it had drastic life altering consequences. I can walk away pretty much scott free from this, and I know now that I should have done. This was about a year and a half ago.

It was such a terrifying fallout that I ended up very numb, but confused. Was a very, very difficult time for me, and still is. Anyway. I mistook my feelings and took them to mean that the horrible incident had made me realise what a mistake we had been making with all of the problems and that I had been taking him for granted and that I really loved him. Things were great for a while..we even got married.

Past few months, since the numbness has been wearing off, I've realised. I don't want to be in this. I don't hate him, I'm not mad at him anymore, but I don't want this life. I want out. I can't cope with the fallout anymore, it's too much. I would have done, I would have sucked it up and been there for him through it, but I'm pretty confident now that I don't actually love him, not in that way. I am still pretty young, and I have a very resounding "this isn't what I want for my life" feeling.

Anyway. Sorry for the very long rant.

Please help. I need to get out of this, but the practical stuff is terrifying and overwhelming.

Thanks

BOF, I noticed that just before I hit post, but I am THAT paranoid, I wanted to be double sure. Yeah, I know.

lol, starting with posting i can only guess?

Ill help you start, Whats the problem? Wink

Ok well the house is in your name and you are paying for it so you shouldn't be the one to leave.

The very first thing is asking him to leave. Do you think he will go?

Posted, wotnext - is very vague and broad but will provide further details if needed.

Walk away, you know you need to.

What practically is worrying you? These things always seem worse before you do them.

MamazOn, it's in his name too, but I know he wouldn't fight me for it, he's pretty reasonable in that regard. Providing MIL from hell doesn't get involved.

I've tried a few times recently, and it's been received differently. Once he totally understood why, and was looking into what he needed to do to leave, but I lost my nerve and it just fizzled out. It's very complicated. He'd be pretty fucked, to be honest. Due to what happened (entirely him, not me, and VERY serious), he's very "fragile" at the moment and certain circumstances would make it nigh on impossible for him to find work. Hence why he currently watches the kids while I go to work, and I would be pretty fucked also as far as work is concerned as I depend on him for part of the journey there

It's hard to say how he'd be when it actually came down to it. Talking about it is one thing, but I don't know. I don't think DV will ever be a problem again

How likely is it that he will leave if you ask him to?

Sorry, x post

Can you say what this huge thing was that happened?

No matter when you decide to do it, it's going to be hard. It IS hard. But it's so worth it, honestly. Few things in life are worse than living in a shit relationship.

i aslo think he needs to leave if you and dc's stay in the family home it will be less stressful for them,citezens advice can help with practicalities.How old are dc's do you have family support for childcare emotional support etc

would he leave?

dv is NEVER ok,do you fear that if you ask hm to leave?

AttillaTheMum

I know I do.

Working worries me mostly. I need to carry on working, part time is not an option. I'm not on an amazing wage, but it's pretty decent for my age, but still just covers outgoings. Don't know how I'll afford childcare either as with him being at home, don't pay for any. I don't get in until 6:30 as it is, and I don't actually know how practically I'd manage the last leg of the journey without him - I could walk, but it would tack 40 minutes each way onto an already hour long journey, and I'd never see the kids.

I do worry how I'd manage on a day to day basis with all three of them, as he's a great dad and does pretty much all of the house stuff, but I know I need to suck it up and get on with it in that regard.

I also worry that I'm in a better the devil you know situation. I'm not unattractive, and haven't had problems in that regard before, but I've also had 3 children and have (not noticeable with clothes on, and am fairly slim) a rather awful mummy tummy. The thought of rejection because of that plus the fact that I have 3 children and am in my mid twenties, is a bit worrying.

Yes I know how very unfeminist this all is. Please be gentle. I've had a god awful couple of years and I'm an emotional mess

BabyYoureaFireWork - it would help understand the situation if I did say what it was, but it would also probably "out" me to a degree, and would put a lot of judgement on me (again, like to repeat, that is nothing that I did - but I DID stay. The people in RL who do know have been very understanding, but I know I've been very lucky in that regard)

280169 - it would be a case of him leaving - he wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage anyway, and he wouldn't see the kids homeless. The dcs are all under 6 and youngest is just over a year. Family are lovely and would do what they could, but they all have a lot of their own stuff going on, is very complicated. I have some incredible friends who have kept me sane the past couple of years, but the biggest support is going through some excruciating stuff herself right now and has young dcs too, and is on her own

The dv was,as I say, only a handful of times, and is very much in the past. Don't think he'd do it again and it's not really a big worry as far as leaving him

Well going from you'r explanation so far, i can relate to that.

I gather the terrible thing he did was him doing something bad to you'r relationship, he then manipulated the sittuation so that you were helpless & the only way out (in your eyes due to the sittuation that he created) was to return to the relationship & carry on regardless?

This is not good it sounds like you are being manipulated. By far i reckon if you hadnt 'given in' he would not have left anyway. This is a given trait with abusive men. He is grounding you down to submission.
If he is being tottally unreasonable he may never see or be told.
However you'r actions will be the turning point & if you bite the bullet & do what needs to be done you can move forward, no one knows where it will go but i can guarantee you that in time it WILL get beeter.

Don't forget that benefits will cover you plus he will have to pay child allowance. There is a benefits calculator somewhere, if you google it i'm sure it will come up.

Could you move house / job so you are closer to home?

Even though you would not be together don't forget he is still the father so he will still have a shared role in childcare so will be looking after them when mutually convenient. Could you arrange this to fit in with your work?

I know how you feel re- body image. I am 25 soon and pg with DC2. I sometimes think that if DH and I were to seperate i would struggle to find someone else, but the truth is, if you aren't 100% happy now then it's only going to get worse as you grow to like him less and less. I know this sounds bad but on top of getting worse you are only going too feel worse self esteem wise as you get older / have more dc too.

My grandad is dying and I have been watching my nan bathe him and take him to the toilet. I think you need to ask youself if you can be doing that in 50 years. If the answer is no then there is no question.

Well the something bad wasn't directed at me, if that makes sense, it was pretty heinous, and not something he fully understands now, and I actually do believe that it was a total fuck up and won't happen again, and that it was a symptom of a problem etc etc. But it is pretty life-altering for all of us - but I could get out of it. Before it happened (JUST before DS3 was born), I'd been planning to leave when DS3 was a few weeks. I mistook feeling sorry for him and feeling responsible for it happening for other things and I did what I did to get us as a family through it. I promise I'm not being intentionally teasing, I just really can't say exactly what it was.

He actually did change too for a long while. It's pretty common - people have a shock and think of all the things they're going to change in their lives. TBF he actually got off pretty lightly as far as the consequences, but they're still pretty hard to handle consequences. NOW he's being manipulative. Now, I've gone from everyone saying how well I've handled things and his family being so grateful and amazing that I've stayed and supported him, to me not being able to say a single word of complaint.

To be honest...if I was still in love with him, I would probably make a go of it. We have three gorgeous children, regardless of what he's done, in every other aspect he's a great dad...but I just don't feel like that. I'm not sure I ever did. And as I will NOT spend the rest of my life in a loveless marriage, I need to make the break sometime. I know I need to do it, it's just terrifying. If this isn't going to make him grow up and change, I don't know what will. It's sad.

Thanks for reading so far, I know I witter.

You have us all guessing now?

Did he get some one else pregnant?

Did you also have an affair?

Please dont take this as an insult or anything im just puzzled now?

Atillathemum, we already get TCs - I'm the only one working at the moment...they seem to be quite a bit already, and I'm not sure how much they'd go up to take childcare into account. I'll have a look at the calculator though, and hope for the best!

I can't really change jobs/home - I wouldn't be able to afford a home close to job (is in a main city centre, I'm in a smaller town) and in the job I do, I get £21k for where I'm working now, but the same jobs near me are only about £14k! Can barely cover things now, wouldn't be able to take that kind of hit.

Working is going to be VERY difficult for him for a lot of reasons. He'll have to take what he can get regardless of hours etc, and if actually does get a job, it'd be NMW in all likelihood, so not much in the way of maintenance.

I completely see what you mean and agree - it's hard now, as far as self-image, and I'm not going to get better with age heh. And I definitely can't stay indefinitely, so better to bite the bullet now .

I also feel bad because right now, at least this way they're with ONE of us. I know that's life, but I hate the idea that because I can't make it work with their dad, they're going to be in childcare that much - especially the baby.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandad :(

In some ways, no, I can't see myself doing that - but I also worry for him, being on his own. As much as I'll struggle to meet someone else, it's going to be even worse for him because of the circumstances. As hard as things will be for me, I'm all he has.

wotnext - you will never be able to guess it, it's a LOT worse than any of those, it's horrendous. Hard to give any more of an idea without actually coming out and say it, which I really wouldn't feel comfortable doing.

And yes - I did have an affair- that bit was in OP. It was some time ago now, but he does blame how that made him feel for his actions later on. I will never justify my affair, it was completely wrong. Even then I tried many times to leave him and couldn't bring myself to do it. I did also think I was in love with the other guy at the time, but I know now that I was just seeing him as a way out of the current relationship. It would have been even scarier leaving then as well, as we were both working, and I was less confident of being able to manage with the kids on my own.

If he is not working, is there any reason why he could not continue to look after the children whilst you are?

Hi OP, sorry you have had such a tough time, but it sounds like you are now in a place where you want to move on, which is good. Here are my thoughts:

1. you are ONLY in your mid twenties, that is young in my book, I got together with DH when I was almost 28 and many of my friends have met their DPs at a similar age. Aside from that, I also think it is better to be single than to be in what amounts to a loveless marriage.

2. your TCs will go up to take account of your childcare costs. You can calculate what you would get here

3. I know I am intrigued by what he has done, but I don't think it is necessary to tell everyone - at the end of the day, you have decided you want to go your separate ways and nobody really needs to know why in order to support you. So only share if you really want to.

4. I agree that you could arrange some of his access whilst you are working to reduce childcare costs.

5. re the house, would he sign it over to you do you think?

something to do with child abuse?

I'm guessing that the woe is me, when he got caught doing whatever heinous deed it was, was simply an act. If it were true and he were truly remorseful, he'd not be manipulating you. He'd know that he is damned lucky to have you in his life, that he doesn't deserve your devotion or loyalty and that he knows that to make it even bearable, he needs to work every second of every day to make sure you are repaid the shock and shame he has visited upon you and your family/friends.

Plenty of women have 'stood by their men' initially through affairs, porn, prostitution, even rape and assault charges. Some marriage are able to weather these storms, often with both partners making huge sacrifices and bargaining away much of their life to keep it together.

He won't change, he'd have done so already, not taking advantage of the situation to further get you to knuckle down and keep quiet at all costs.

You know you are right, not a soul on the face of the earth would blame you. All you have to say is that you thought you could live with it. You can't.

It sounds like he did something to one of the dcs...and they have been harmed possibly ??