Okay, so it's about time. And I need help

[ohshitithinkitsthattime]

But I'm going to test namechange first.

x-post. Put your interests first. If you want to do something in 2wks time, then do it. You call the shots here. This is your life.

We'll help you every way we can.

You can learn to drive, they can pick you up at home and you learn on the way to, or from work...

Coming in late on this...

I made the decision my marriage was over but took a few months to get things sorted before breaking the news to my STBXH. I am sure he also knew as we had our problems but once I told him, and meant it,it was such a relief.

WRT your post-baby body, I too bear the 'scars' of three children but have met a man (with no kids) who loves me and seems to like me without clothes on as well. Not all men are shallow, image obsessed Barbie doll magnets! When you meet someone else it will be fine, honestly (though the first time I did have to get verah verah drunk!).

Good luck, be strong xx

If he is a good dad and is their main carer why should the DC not stay with their dad and see you at the weekends? Would that not be best for the DC?

LittleMissHissyFit - you have just hit the nail exactly on the head there. I could never really understand how they were being the way they were being before. I know they care about me etc, so I just didn't get it - and you're right. That sounds exactly what the problem is, and it does help understanding it more. It is really hurtful to feel like I'll be disappointing people by 'giving up' - and thinking of it in those terms, that I'M not the one with the problem, is very liberating.

Thank you everyone - I am going to go about it as best I can. I will be able to do a lot of the organising from work, so he won't need to find out. It would only complicate thing to be honest, and the atmosphere would be AWFUL. This way, I won't end up living in the house with him whilst he sees me sorting it out - that would be awful.

I do think that in the long run, you're all right in the sense that once I've got past the initial shock, I will be relieved. Surely, being on my own must be better than this. I just feel so..lonely I guess.

lucky24 - he'd need to try and find work too. I'm supporting us all at the moment. And this is our family home - he wouldn't be able to afford anywhere big enough to have them. I also wouldn't be able to live with that. I know it's sexist etc etc, but I just could't not have my babies at home. I know that works for some people, but it's not for me. Because of the circumstances, he's their main carer at the moment, but before this it was the other way round for a while. I do believe that their best place is with me.

ohshit, lucky's comment has just set my alarm bells ringing. I think that if he chose to he could apply for residency and be in a very strong position as their main carer. Wonder if you could get some legal advice on this?

Would what he's done affect his position as main carer?

ballstoit - he's always said he wouldn't fight me on that one, he knows that they belong with their mum, and that I'd be reasonable with access etc...god I don't know how I'd deal with that otherwise

everyoenesjealousofgingers - no, it wouldn't

OK, that's good then - although I don't think it's necessarily safe to assume he will be so amenable when it comes to the crunch. I was not fishing for more info btw.

LittleMissHissy quite right re family, I wonder if you'll actually be surprised at how supportive they will be to you.

See what you can find out finance wise tomorrow, and have a think about what contact you would find reasonable and helpful, bearing in mind you may have to change it if/when he finds work.

Will come back tomorrow eve to see how you are.

Ohshit - rest assured that he would NOT get residency. Of that you can be certain.

Have you been able to talk to him yet? how did it go?

I think you are being unrealistic

When a proper split is imminent people go inti survival mode. Assuming this big thing he did was sex worker/industry related, and he's over it. He's got away with it. People are now accepting. And you now are walking away, personally, I think he will fight, and I think you are being too complacent here by thinking he will just walk away with nothing.

Is he gay?

MamazOn, it used to be something that worried me, when we were at each other's throats all the time, but now it's not that we're constantly arguing etc anymore, it's just not working.

Not been able to talk to him today. I went to bed last night really sure of what I was going to do and how I was going to do it..but then this morning, I just had so much resolve sucked out of me. I'm going to get stuff sorted first I think before I actually talk to him, if I can - but I'm a very emotional person and I'm not sure I'll manage that.

The thing is, it's not like things are AWFUL - I mean the external circumstances are, but it's not like he's really really nasty to me constantly, I just don't want to be in this relationship anymore, I've had enough. I'm not happy, and I can't live my life like that indefinitely. He does try in the practical ways - he tries to make my life easier physically, does all the housework, drives me everywhere, thinks of little things...but as nice as that is, it doesn't make a relationship. I have tried many, many, many times to talk to him and explain that whilst I really appreciate all that stuff that he does, I could go without it if I just felt like I was actually in a relationship, rather than co-habiting. He professes to love me and says nice things sometimes, and is very clear that "as long as he has us (me and the kids), he'll be able to get through it" etc, and I just feel guilty. It's going to crush him. I should have made the clean break when it happened.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I know I need to get out, but I don't know how to find the strength to crush someone like that.

IloveTiffany, no it's not that. He has gone nasty before when it's come to this, but last time a few months ago it was on the table, he was very insistent that he'd just do what it took to make mine and their lives easier, and seemed to accept thhat it was his own fault.I can only see what happens and take it from there, really.

wotnext - no, he's not. And I wouldn't actually talk about him being gay as this big awful thing etc. If he was gay, it wouldn't be something he could help. It'd be a bit shit for me personally, but if it was something like that, so long as it wasn't that he'd intentionally deceived me as to his sexuality and used me as a prop, I'd get over it and be pretty understanding tbh. People can't help stuff like that. Went a bit off topic there lol

Please though can people stop trying to guess at what it was. I really, as I said, don't feel comfortable talking about specifics. I need support and advice on leaving, the other stuff is aside from this, and the speculation isn't making me feel very good. It's not really the issue here, I only mentioned it to try and give a broader picture of the situation. Knowing what it was won't help anything but someone's curiosity, to my detriment

Sorry, Its just that to be able to give the best advice, it helps to know what the problem is.

Without all the facts it's really hard to give an honest opinion.

Im sorry you feel you cant share it & i hope you can receive better advice from some one who knows the sittuation maybe some one you know in real life. Perhaps it would be better to speak with someone else who you can give the whole picture, only then will you be able to find the right answers.

Relationships are so complex with all manner of different things getting in the way. Everyone is different & there is no 1 solution to any relationship problems.

good luck

I know that the relationship is over - tbh this thing is only part of the issue. It's not something I really need to rehash - it's happened already, and doesn't actually affect me leaving etc.

It's just that this is a pretty public forum, I could perhaps be identified, and I don't really want it written out in black and white, iygwim. I'm not intentionally witholding, but it's not relevant, other than to say there are major problems.

Unfortunately the people in RL who do know the entire picture, as posted previously, are more concerned about how I can "work through it" rather than accepting that I've tried, and it's not going to happen. I deserve better than being in a relationship that doesn't make me happy.

The person who does agree with me in RL has far too much of her own stuff going on for it to be fair of me to moan at her too much. She wouldn't mind, but it wouldn't be right.

I guess I am just trying to find help as to where I go from here. I'm going to be taking the first steps, when I find the courage, and was just hoping for some support along the way, that's all :(

Of course everyone's dying of curiosity, (me too!) but you shouldn't feel compelled to disclose. I get paranoid about privacy on here and I don't even post anything controversial. It sounds like you just need a sympathetic ear and a bit of cheerleading and practical ideas. I hope it all works out for you:

You don't think that people have tried to support you to work through it because that was what they thought you wanted? I wonder if you'd be pleasantly surprised.

I agree everyone should stop fishing to find out what 'the deed' was - intriguing tho it is I can't really see how it will make any difference on what is advised.

ohshit I completely understand what you mean about having the resolve sucked out of you - the situation is not acute at present so there is no immediate motivation to get it resolved. But there will never be a right time IYSWIM so at some point you are just going to have to bite the bullet and force the issue.

Sorry if I have X posted with anyone, started this post and then had a very sad baby to deal with!

Mamaz0n What makes you think he would definitely not get residency if he decided to apply for it?

I think it's a bit dangerous to say he would definitely not based on DV that it doesnt sound like the op reported. Particularly when he's been the main carer for a period of time. To be clear, I'm not saying I think he should. But I wouldnt want to make any sort of guarantees to the contrary.

Thanks ladies..

I think that is the case sometimes, but I also agree with what was posted easier by someone, and that it's also easier for them that way.

I have outright, for instance, told my elder brother before (who I used to be quite close to) that I wasn't happy, I wasn't being spiteful, but everyone is asking TOO MUCH of me to carry on through this, and that it was a mistake to stay, and was no longer what I wanted. He totally ignored me, said I was being childish, poo-pooed it, went on about what an amazing guy DH is (!) and basically made me feel like an idiot. His answer was to then suggest that I go out drinking with his gf (who I actually get on well with, not the point) that weekend

I very much get an air of "I can't deal with this right now, haven't you caused enough stress already" from my mum.

My best friend doesn't know why I've not left already. Not because of the incident, but because I'm clearly just not happy.

I get little things all the time that make me feel like things are acute..he'll say something, or fuck up again in some small away (can be really irresponsible about stuff, and buries his head in the sand - for instance, took well well over a year to change the car after DS3 was born and we literally couldn't all fit in the car- to the point that the car ended up being driven in the ground and worth nothing but scrap, but if he'd sold it when he should have done, we'd have been able to part ex.)

Somehow, I'm the nag though. I am at work all of the freaking time. When he was the one working, and even before that when it was both of us working, I'd handle this stuff. I don't ask much in that regard. Sorting little things as I don't have the time/stuff closes by the time I get to work, and he just always seems to fuck it up.

I'm NOT a nag, I'm pretty laid back, but one can only take so much little let downs after so many major ones. Every time I get our head about water, he does something stupid and irresponsible, even if it's just smething like his recent car parking ticket.

And I know that none of those little things are worth leaving over. My point is that these little things just grind me down - I mention them, and he goes "right. OK. I'll sort it. DOn't treat me like a child" and I want to fucking yell DON'T ACT LIKE ONE THEN FFS, you know? And I get sooo resentful. And I know I'm resentful because I'm unhappy with him, and finding outlets, not because it's that big of a deal.

I dunno. Ranting now.

DS2 is also lay next to me on the couch. Has been puking up all day, bless him.

Everyonesjealousofgingers, hope baby isn't sad anymore :(

ballstoit - he's only been the main carer since July anyway, when I found work - it's not a very long term thing. Previous to that, I was since over two years ago. Previous to that, we were both working.

Also, screw it.

You could call womens aid to talk it through 0808 2000 247 and get some advice re finances - they offer a wide range of services and are truly excellent. Your situation doesn't have to be about domestic abuse to contact/call Womens Aid btw and it is also completely confidential - you don't have to give your last name. And/or you could also see Relate to work out the emotional etc side of it.

I think the worry about money and how you're going to cope - tbh you just have to throw it all up in the air and see where it lands up to a point (though a financial advisor re Womens Aid could give you some approximate figures). Your fears about the logistics could be misplaced anxiety about the whole thing.

To be clear (before I'm accused of being a man ), I'm not saying what I think SHOULD happen. I'm making you aware what COULD happen if your DH chose to take things to court. Since July is a long time for your littlest one, more than half her life. I think it's important to be aware that he could apply and could, possibly, be successful. So that you can make your decisions accordingly.

chink - wish I really had some, baby went back to bed in the end (after eating 4 of my chips?!?!?!?) am hoping for a good night! She is 1 btw so chip eating not as shocking as it might sound! Hope DS2 feels a bit better now.

Re read what you just posted. I think it IS a big deal - not the individual instances but the fact that he essentially behaves like a child. Focus on these acute feelings and foster your resentfulness, if that is the only way you'll get the momentum up to go through with this.

Off to bed now, nighty night x

Oh arse, my first and I did the bloody brackets wrong!!!