Okay, so it's about time. And I need help

[ohshitithinkitsthattime]

But I'm going to test namechange first.

Heinous to me means child abuse, death by drink driving or murder.

If it really is that heinous then it is a lot for you to support and I would not be able to view my DH in the same light.

The practical things will work themselves out. But you need to separate from him to save your life. You deserve better.

Thistledew - maybe to a degree he could still help, and he wouldn't not help just to piss me off, if that makes sense...but he'd also have to TRY and find work,and would need to support himself somehow, and has other things he can't not go to that take up time, and it would be almost impossible to find something that fit in with my hours etc. It would be unreasonable for me to expect him to not even try and get on with a life of his own and taken on the entire burden of the childcare, and have no way of supporting himself. He won't try and shirk his responsibilities though and I know it will tear him apart not seeing them all the time.

Thanks, everyonesjealousofgingers, I know that this is the right thing, and I know that there WILL be a way out of it, but it's easy to just think of all the things in the way, and is reassuring to talk about it and have someone else say these things

It won't really help saying what it was, and as I said, I would not be comfortable disclosing it, and all that I will say is that nobody was hurt by his actions (other than me obviously), but it was pretty serious. There is no chance of a recurrence, but the damage is done.

LittleMissHissyFit - to be fair to him, he is very remorseful of what he did, and hates himself every day for it..but at the same time, as time passes, it gets pushed further into "something in the past". His mother is his worst enemy to be honest, because she tries to downplay it and justify it, and villianise me. As you say though, he should be spending every damn day making it up to me. I guess I am partially responsible and let him off too lightly - to be honest, for a long time, I was too worried about him killing himself, and getting him through the really tough bit to even think about how it affected me, and all the other bits, the shock and shame etc. I know that as far as what actually happened, he does hugely regret and was massively out of character, but it's not that bit that's the problem...it's expecting me to just carry on as normal. And I'm FED UP of being the strong one. I can't do it any more. I can't say anything, because it "just makes him feel worse".

I think because I DID stand by him for so long, I am going to get a lot of come back from it. Not just from his family, but from mine. They've all been really supportive, to both of us, and there will be a lot of "why are you giving up now?" and telling me all the good stuff about him etc.

That's how I put it across to him the last time I tried to finalise things - that I thought I could live with it, but I can't. It's not like I can't get over the past, it has continual long-reaching consequences, and new problems from it crop up all the time. I live in constant fear of "who knows", iygwim.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to listen and talk with me about this.

soblackandwhite Not really going to enter into specifics as to what it was - but I can categorically say if he'd ever even harmed a hair on any of the DC's heads, I wouldn't be on here typing, I'd be in prison for murder. It's worse than affair/getting someone else pregant, but it's none of the other things - it is very bad, but as I said, nobody was hurt, and let's put it this way - if it was THAT bad, I wouldn't be having this discussion as he'd be in a cell right now. It's very complicated.

Ok. Well Would it be possible for hm to move out. if he isn't working he could get benefits and be on housing benefit. Whilst he isn't working he could continue to care for the children.
when he does get back into work he could pay maintenance which would help cover the shortfall of the childcare.

You need to move on. How he copes isn't really your problem, and as for your "mummy tummy"... you are mid twenties. You are in no position to even worry about finding another man just now. and when the time comes the man that is right for you, who is willing to take you and your 3 children will understand and love your tummy.
Don't stick with the past because you are scared of teh future

If he does find work, then you would need to work out between you the best child care, and both contribute towards it. It is not your sole responsibility to work out just because you are female.

This is your life, not your IL, not your parents, not your H, YOURS.

You have tried, it's not working. You are so young. I'm pretty much old enough to be your mother, but H left a couple of weeks ago. Who the fuck'd have me in my mid 40s... but being along for the rest of my days is better than being with someone who is not even remotely invested in my development, my happiness and our DS, he in fact went out of his way to destroy me, my happiness and everything that makes me happy.

H was also abusive, and manipulative. there really IS no way back from that.

With CTC you could get up to 70% of your childcare costs back. You can use registered nannies - perhaps that is an option?

Have you checked that you're not eligible for any other benefits we got a very small amount of council tax benefit when on a lowish income.

If he were paying maintenance that wouldn't affect your benefits.

Could you look at going interest only on your mortgage or extending the term to reduce your monthly outgoings?

You can work on your self esteem once all the rest is sorted out. I do understand though I have a hideous mummy tummy (I had huge babies and am only 5') but people love you for your personality IYSWIM.

Dont fool yourself honey, many of us get much stronger & even more beautifull with age, 10 years from now you could be a different person more beautifull & strong with confidence,

Ugly duckling story is no myth x

I wanted to add that, 2 wrongs dont make a right.
If you moved on together after you'r infidelity then you did that.

Whatever the problem is with you'r DH, that needs to be dealt with too, but not through guilt.

You need to talk to some one, in real life maybe some one you trust or Womens aid, i think the latter would be best.
They will listen & not judge but will be able to give you the best advice based on all of the facts.

You really need to do this, Please.

There are some things that ought not to be glossed over.

Have you had counselling for this? I think you could benefit from it. Perhaps even he could.

I'm not concerned with his welfare, by the sounds of it, whatever he did, he brought upon himself. His deeds are casting a shadow over your life, will do so over your DC life and forever, even if he DID die, the information might still get out.

I would think that he could do PT childcare whilst still not working, and you could pay for the remainder. I am assuming that since he has no income he wouldn't be able to pay you anything in the way of maintenance? I would check out that website I linked to earlier to get an idea of how the financial side might pan out.

Are there any other family members who might help you out?

You're all right.

It isn't about WHETHER or not I do it, it's HOW I do it.

I used to use a childminder when we both worked, and would prefer that. Will see if she'd be able to take on all three, and she charges reasonably too, and the kids loved her - mind, I only had the two back then.

It's a really stupid thing to worry about, but I'm also going to have to work out how to actually GET to work now. The leg of the journey that takes about 10 minutes in the car would take a lot longer walking, and I'm exhausted all the time as it is. But I guess I need to deal with this.

I'm very reassured now though financially - just looked at the ctc calculator that was linked on here, and they would go up, and probably enough that I wouldn't be worse off financially really.

Mortgage term is already 30 years (gulp) but it does mean that repayments aren't unmanageable.

I've also just taken out a loan to pay off credit cards etc. I took it out over 2 years because I wanted it all GONE but hopefully if I ring them up they'll change it to three years - though the guy at the bank at the time said if I wanted to do that it would technically be applying all over again for a new loan, but it would reduce outgoings that way, would just mean longer to pay it off.

Very relieved I "haven't gotten round" to paying off his loans yet with it...something in the back of my mind must have been working for once.

I have huge issues with self confidence, and know that future relationships should be the LAST thing I'm worrying about right now.. but the fact is a lot of the reason I want to get out is because I want more than this. I want to be in love. I want romance. I want all that crap. I don't think I'm unattractive with clothes on, and have had offers when I'm out from perfectly lovely men (would never go down the affair route again, that is NOT the answer), but it just terrifies me that either a)the enormity of me having three kids will end up scaring them off (they generally know already, but KNOWING and realising what a big deal is another thing) or that when it came "down to it", they'd be revolted that underneath I look like a 90 year old :( I don't actually think I could take that kind of rejection.

I'm also a little bit, ahem...loopy. Not to a huge extent..but it's the kind of thing that's endearing for a while, but must just get irritating after a while. DH is constantly pointing out what a psychopath I am, even given his circumstances

You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders, so I'm sure you'll work out the logistics side of this.

When you mention a leg of the journey, do you mean that he gives you a lift to a station or something like that? If so, is there anyone you can lift-share with? Check if the council do a car share scheme, too.

Do you think he knows all of this is coming? Maybe he'll come up with a solution if you ask him.

Bicycle? Lift-share? Do you have a local magazine/newspaper/shop in which you could put an advert to see if anyone else travels in the same direction?

wotnext and littlemisshissyfit - as far as counselling, this is something I know for a fact I need - there just aren't enough hours in the day. Middle of last year, when the cracks really started to show, I went to my GP asking for help (have previous history of depression and was on meds) and they sent me home with more meds, but were also very concerned and even though I assured them I'd be ok, they still actually send me letters asking me to come back in to see someone...but there is no time when I could. I was in contact with a support group for people in a similar circumstance...but whilst they were supportive at first, they just seemed to stop caring pretty quickly - I think largely because my situation wasn't as serious as others WRT the details. As far as the information getting out - it's not a case of if, it's a case of WHEN. Pretty much everyone I know in RL found out. And they will be able to when they're old enough. That gives me palpitations even thinking about.

everyonesjealousofgingers - have had a look at that link, and it really was reassuring. I am pretty confident I could manage as far as financial matters go, so thank you - that is a huge relief.

My family members will do what they can...but to be honest, most of them kind of seem to think that it's in the past now. They just don't seem interested or to have any idea of how serious it STILL is and I feel like I'm moaning. They had some pretty serious stuff to deal with last year with another immediate family member

OK. Sounds like the financial side of it will be ok. Loan was v sensible, I imagine bank will extend term for you - can you ring them tomorrow?

Good that you've not paid his stuff off, VERY good.

I would be willing to bet that you actually look FINE with your clothes off, although I know nobody else telling you that will actually help you feel differently. My norks were once lovely firm pert things that you couldn't hold a pencil below, but after 10mths of BF they are what I can only describe as flaccid - but DH honestly still thinks they are great. Once a man gets to the stage of seeing you naked he will be far too excited to examine your lumps and bumps. You do NOT look like a 90 year old woman, I can promise you.

Re getting to work - why would H automatically get the car? Could you not keep it and use it to drop DCs off and get yourself to work?

If I were in your shoes I would be looking at this step by step. Tomorrow - ring bank and childminder. If she can't fit you in, can she recommend anyone?

Bite size chunks. You sound completely sure about your decision, so just get your head round the practicalities first.

The lift share/bicycle ideas are really good ones - I hadn't even thought of anything like that. It is to the station, and surely there MUST be someone else who does that journey in the morning/evening.

I think he knows sometimes, and of course he must understand why it's come to this - but I think he's in denial as to whether I'd actually do it. I have actually told him a few times before, but when it's come to actually doing it and going through the details, it's just fizzled out and things have gone back to how they were without fixing anything.

He's also sat on the other side of the couch, or was and just shifted so that he was leaning over more, and I KNOW he was trying to read the screen (I do post on here and other places, but obviously this is a bit more tap tap tapping than normal ha). I shifted position so that it was titled so he couldn't see it without being obvious, and he sat back up. Hmmm.

X posted - Re family, is there one person you can talk to and get onside do you think?

Sounds like you need to talk to him sooner rather than later, do you think?

Lift sharing idea good, there are a few sites for that if you google

I know this sounds really awful and pathetic, but there is something in two weeks that I NEED to go to for various reasons, and if I told him what I was doing now, it would put a serious kink in the plans - it's not just for my sake but the others that are going, it's something quite important.

I think I can start doing things practically straight away, but am I being unreasonable (ha) to wait until after that to actually make the proper split? Honestly?

I guess I'm just going to have to come to terms with how I look under clothes - I guess I'm lucky in that you can't tell covered up (a good bra etc covers a multitude of sins heh) and will just have to deal with the other stuff at the time.

The car is his but I also can't drive. I was only just old enough to drive when I had DC1 and it's just never been a priority up to now. It was always something I planned to do but money/time/running two cars was something "to worry about in the future"

I do actually feel a lot better now. I was really feeling down and lost about it...but talking about it realistically, practically and to someone else outside of the situation is very helpful, so thanks ladies

Look, I'll be blunt.

Other people are not putting YOU first. It's clearly something very serious, has huge implications on the rest of his life, and as you say WILL come to the attention of your DC soon enough.

Everyone is pushing this under the carpet because THEY CAN'T DEAL WITH IT. Well, newsflash to the lot of them, they don't actually have to. Staying with this guy, in spite of his actions is costing you you future, your happiness, your youth and your freedom.

Not one of them is walking in your shoes, not one. His parents are appalled at what he has done, your parents are ashamed that he is associated with you and your lovely DC. They all want it to just go away. Your DH knows he has fucked it all up, his entire life, and for WHAT? HE wants you to let the bone drop so he can forget what he has done.

You can't un-ring a bell. This is what he, and everyone else around you is demanding you do.

You don't have to leave tomorrow. You can save, arrange things, get a car, a lift, whatever. People are usually very kind.

No-one will blame you for this, you don't need this from anyone. If anyone is less than supportive of your life and your decision, tell them to take your place.

Ok, you've made the decision that he will be leaving, if the DV really isnt an immediate threat then you have time to make plans. The more you can sort before you tell him he's going, the more confident you will feel in the face of any appeals or arguments from him.

So, you need to sort childcare, finances and transport. This is all doable but may take a few weeks to do.

Contact the childminder you used if you trust her not to mention it to your DH if she saw him. If she has no space then contact your local councils Childcare Information Service who will have details of childminders in your area and the vacancies they have.

Get the forms for starting a new Tax Credits claim, when swapping from joint to single claim they expect you to start all over again. If you have the forms you can make sure you have all the required information in advance to get this sorted. Same with the Council Tax Benefit forms, you may not be entitled to much help but whatever you can get is more money in your pocket.

In terms of getting to work, I presume you get a bus or train for the rest of the journey. Is it possible that other people get dropped off/park at your stop who may be coming in your direction. Even if you could car share part of the journey it would save you time and energy.

Contact Womens Aid, they'll have lots of advice for you, including how to keep yourself safe before, during and after the point that he leaves.

And as a last word, I honestly believe that I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than with my ex. My DC are happier as am I. I've had one brief relationship, which has reassured me but I was also happy to end it because it wasnt working for me.

Good luck

I don't think you should be rushing into talking to your h about it. You need to decide what you want, make plans, find out facts, sort out childcare etc etc

X posted