Should I be allowed to cut my hair as I wish........

[Flightymary]

I am in a relationship with a very strong willed man and he is quite dominant with me. He is a good man and a loving father but it is hard for me to express myself or have a different opinion. He tells me what he likes me to wear and I normally agree to save having a row. I am 37 and have long hair down my back which over the last few years has got out of condition and starting to look dated. My cousin who is also a hairdresser has been saying for years that as I am small and petite I would really suit a short summery pixie crop cut. When Emma Watson cut her hair short I really felt she looked great and I asked my partner what he thought. He said he loved it and i said i was thinking of cutting mine off short too. He went crazy and told me not too, we had a blazing row and he said some hurtfull things like I will look ugly short and he won't fancy me any more.
I am so upset about this for so many reasons, I feel I should be able to express myself, it is my hair and if I want a new style I should be able to do that and at my age I feel traditional long hair is not really flattering.
It is hard to chat with friends about this as it is so personal, my Mum knows that our relationship is difficult and feels I have 2 options, forget it and just stay long or without giving him any warning just have it cut and see what he says when its too late.
I am trying a post here as I just don't know what to do and would appreciate some advice.
Thanks

I'm sure someone else who will have more constructive advice will be along soon. But, this really doesn't sound healthy

Is he that controlling over other aspects of your life?

It's your hair and your body and your choice. He doesn't have the right to dictate what you wear. That is controlling behaviour. Are you scared of approaching him about this again? If so, I think your relationship needs looking at, particularly how you give in for a quiet life. You deserve an opinion too, and are just as valid He's your husband, not your boss.

Flightymary, he doesn't really sound like a good man based on what you've described. I'm sorry you have to live in fear like this.

Of course you should be able to do what you like with your hair. Who cares if it looks shit? It'll grow back. It's yours! I bet it would look great, though.

Do you agree to a lot of things to avoid a row?

Yes I do tend to agree to things to avoid a row. I feel a bit bad now about what I have said as he is not a bad man even though I have made him sound bad. he is kind in many ways but I suppose he is a bit controlling...........he has never raised his hands to me or even been remotely threatenning. I would not stand for that. I just feel I am not really allowed to express myself as much as I would like.

Have your hair cut it is nobodies business but yours.

If he really cares about you it will not change anything. If he is a complete pig about it then get rid of him.

Please don't let him bully and control you like this.

Flightymary, of course you should cut your hair if you wish, and I think you know that. He's controlling and awful. Controlling a partner's clothing and hairstyle is a fairly strong indication that he sees you as his property. Is that what it feels like to you?

How old are the children? Do you work for a living?

Do what you want- he might grumble, but he'll live with it, and you will have made your point, which he needs to hear, by the sound of things.

What happens if you express yourself as you would like? It seems like he shouts at you and says horrible things if you do things for yourself. That doesn't sound like a recipe for a happy home life.

What do you think he would do if you just went and got your hair cut?

Our DD is 10 and I work part time in a small office.

Our DD is 10 and i work part time in a small office

I don't know what he would do if I came home with it short, we would probably have a major row and he would say some hurtful things to me.

Ok, so you're not completely financially dependent. I wondered, because it often goes along with the sort of man who likes to control his partner's appearance.

I do think it would be a good experiment to cut your hair. You'll probably look lovely, and wouldn't it feel empowering to see what actually happens when you please yourself? If you honestly don't believe there's any chance he would be physical with you, it's a fairly safe experiment.

Are you able to say something like "don't speak to me like that, I won't tolerate it" and leave the room if he continues? What happens then?

Flighty, relationships are suposed to be equal, so unless you're telling him what to wear and how to have his hair cut then he's not allowed to dictate to you.

What type of hurtful things is he going to say?

I'm sorry to say this, but he is controlling you, you are frightened ( by whatever degree) of what he will do. Your 10 year old daughter is growing up to think its normal ( its not).

This is not healthy.

You get 1 life.

Don't live with regrets, even if its just having your hair cut.

If you want your hair short, then you should have your hair short.

What if he wanted to grow his hair long? Would you prevent this? Insult him? Control his hairstyle?

You are entitled to wear your hair how you want to.

You should already know this. It is 2011. I am sorry you live in a culture of fear. You shouldn't have to. No-one should.

Well, I'm going to disagree with everyone else. Let's turn the tables a bit and see; My OH has long hair. I find long hair sexy and do not fancy men with short hair. If he cut his hair I would be sad and disappointed. I would try to stop him and I would be honest and say I would not fancy him as much.

Shallow? Yes, of course but sexual attraction IS shallow. People are attracted to what they are attracted to. It's hard wired into us. End of story.

So I think your husbands strong reaction is understandable. Of course theoretically you should do as you like with your hair but it would be terrible to do something so drastic as a knee jerk reaction or to teach him a lesson as it were!

And the style you are thinking of is very unforgiving and can make even a pretty woman plain.

The strong reaction is unfortunate but understandable. In general straight men really HATE short hair. You gave Emma Watson as an example there. You asked you husband did he like her hair short, of course he made the required noises, it's not his wife. But given his choice it's unlikely he'd pick her over a longer haired woman.

Plus Emma Watson really severely disimproved her looks by cutting her hair. Sha had to do it for a role btw. She's still an attractive girl and it will grow back but she's nowhere near as attractive as she was.

Another point, it takes a REALLY good looking woman to even look passable with short hair. Sorry to be blunt but true. Look at Halle Berry. She's very nice but one always looks at her and thinks 'ah, what a pity if only she would sort out her hair' She would be 10 times more attractive.

Pixie haircuts are awful, I'm sorry. Sometimes people have no other choice if their hair is baby fine and will not grow but it really is a style of last resort.

Even if you have the bone structure of a supermodel a pixie haircut is difficult to wear, can't be adapted and without makeup can be quite unfeminine.

How about a compromise, maybe get some layers and shorten it a bit but keep some length?

With all due respect, Spooky, I think you're missing a lot of nuance here. And also spouting some fairly odd generalisations about "straight men".

The OP's husband is described as controlling. She gives in rather than risking blazing rows. The husband tells her what to wear and how to have her hair, and shouts and tells her she would be ugly otherwise. She says she is never allowed to have an opinion.

That you would tell your partner that you wouldn't fancy him as much with short hair is rather far removed from "He went crazy and told me not too, we had a blazing row and he said some hurtfull things like I will look ugly short and he won't fancy me any more.". Do you honestly think that is 'an understandable reaction'? Because fuck, I'd hate to be your SO if you do.

I am also boggling at the idea that Halle Berry should sort her hair out!

With all due respect, what tortoise said.

I have long hair down to my butt crack. I can't take it anymore. Although I get compliments on it all the time, women even coming up to DH to tell him how lovely his wife's hair is, and DH himself loves it, but come Saturday, I'm having it cut. I'm having 12 inches taken off and it still will be below my shoulders. If its starting to look ratty, you must cut it off and bit, but frankly, pixie cuts are awful and even more so when they start growing in. I'm donating it to Wigs for Kids, for children who have endured chemotherapy. Which brings me to my next point; God help you if you get cancer and have to have chemo and loose all your hair... hope your DH doesn't stop fancying you after that, I mean afterall, you will have NO hair, not just short hair.

I think you should do what you want with your hair and tell him to suck it. Have the row.

Then think very carefully about what your daughter is learning about what to expect in her husband.

DH likes my hair long as well. I still get it cut short every few years. It is none of his business.

What a weird idea that straight men don't like short hair. Where on earth did you get that from? You may think that short hair isn't attractive, but that is entirely your opinion. Now that might be the OP's partner's opinion too, but it is just an opinion, it's not some sort of gospel fact. Also why would this man who apparently is not terribly interested in his partner's opinion in general make 'the required noises'?

I like my dh with a beard. When he shaves it off every now and then I complain. If he tells me that he going to shave it I try and persuade him not to, but the idea that I'd throw some sort of wobbly is abhorrent. It's his choice how he looks, just like it's my choice how I look. Currently for only the second time in my life I have longer hair. This is purely because I haven't found a good enough hairdresser in my new town. Personally I think I look fairly fantastic with a very short style, providing that it is a very good cut. And dh has not 'hated' it (and nor is he gay).

Personally I thought Emma Watson looked very striking with her short hair. It wasn't for a role, she did it because she didn't have to look like Hermione any more: "Cut my hair off a few days ago? Feels incredible. I love it. I?ve wanted to do this for years and years; it?s the most liberating thing ever." Halle Berry has had lots of haircuts, and is beautiful in all of them.

Of course some people associate short hair in a women with feminism (or perhaps more with women's lib) and to some extent they are right. Short hair is liberating if you think in terms of the amount of care it requires.

I think if Halle Berry looked ten times more attractive reality could explode and there would be a massive disruption in the time/space continuum.

She is one of those women who, if she ever offered I would consider changing teams for.

I am sorry but I find this very unnerving.

My father banned me from having my hair cut until I was 18 and my Mum is not allowed to go to a hairdresser (she is 67). He cuts it (not all that well) for my Mum and is controlling in so many other ways.

I am at some of the attitudes of some folk on here about short hair on women. We just don't stand a chance do we? I have a pixie style cut and love it and get a lot of attention.

Of course your partner is allowed to have a preference but to control your choice is a big big Red flag, Living to avoid arguments is very very repressive and not a part of a healthy loving relationship.....

Hi FM,

re your above comment:-

"Yes I do tend to agree to things to avoid a row. I feel a bit bad now about what I have said as he is not a bad man even though I have made him sound bad. he is kind in many ways but I suppose he is a bit controlling...........he has never raised his hands to me or even been remotely threatenning. I would not stand for that. I just feel I am not really allowed to express myself as much as I would like".

He has no need to use fists: he controls you by words and tone of voice used on you. Its an effective tactic as you end up walking on eggshells around him. He is neither a good man nor a loving father if he is prepared to treat his partner i.e you like this. It also sets a very poor example to your 10 year old because she is growing up thinking this type of abuse (and controlling behaviours like your man displays are abusive) as normal. Would you want her to have a relationship like yours?. No. But what you are teaching her here is that this is currently acceptable to you. It is truly no legacy to leave your child.

There is no suppose about it either; he is being controlling here if he is telling you what he likes you to wear and how you style your hair. You should be able to have it cut if you wish in whatever style you choose.

FM - a direct question to you. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

You seem to have become accustomed to behaving like this around him as well; he has conditioned you accordingly like many controllers do. He is following the usual script here, abuse like this is insidious in its onset, you probably did not recognise his control for what it was in the early days. The further bad news for you is that he will continue to escalate the control as he has done throughout your relationship. This is no relationship at all for you to remain in; he will destroy you ultimately by keeping you in a cage of his own making.

You need to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. He will be within those pages; controlling men are angry men too. Get support from outside sources like your Mum and WA, leaving someone like this is never easy.

FFS I really don't see the need for a debate about pixie haircuts! That's not the issue is it! Especially as her DH said he loved it.

I really worry that you can't see how utterly wrong his behaviour is? Telling you what to wear? Suggesting a sexy outfit is one thing but actually telling you?