Should I be allowed to cut my hair as I wish........

[Flightymary]

I am in a relationship with a very strong willed man and he is quite dominant with me. He is a good man and a loving father but it is hard for me to express myself or have a different opinion. He tells me what he likes me to wear and I normally agree to save having a row. I am 37 and have long hair down my back which over the last few years has got out of condition and starting to look dated. My cousin who is also a hairdresser has been saying for years that as I am small and petite I would really suit a short summery pixie crop cut. When Emma Watson cut her hair short I really felt she looked great and I asked my partner what he thought. He said he loved it and i said i was thinking of cutting mine off short too. He went crazy and told me not too, we had a blazing row and he said some hurtfull things like I will look ugly short and he won't fancy me any more.
I am so upset about this for so many reasons, I feel I should be able to express myself, it is my hair and if I want a new style I should be able to do that and at my age I feel traditional long hair is not really flattering.
It is hard to chat with friends about this as it is so personal, my Mum knows that our relationship is difficult and feels I have 2 options, forget it and just stay long or without giving him any warning just have it cut and see what he says when its too late.
I am trying a post here as I just don't know what to do and would appreciate some advice.
Thanks

But LadyFanny how do you address the issue of the OP when she says He tells me what he likes me to wear and I normally agree to save having a row. - it is that in combination with the haior issue that is setting alarm bells ringing for me. How can that be anything but controlling verging on abusive? The hair thing is a symptom, not the problem itself. Nothing to do with feminism, everything to do with there being no balance of power in this relationship.

Look, Lady maybe you should pop off to the "surrendered wives are us" forum. You'll feel a lot more comfortable.

LadyFanny, my point was precisely that I did look like a lad to a certain extent. It didn't stop men fancying me and to suggest it would is the bonkers bit.

Sorry to still be on about the haircut - I agree with the commentators saying that the haircut per se is not the question, but the controlling attitude.

Pointythings,

I do recognise that this control over her body image is one of the many manifestations of a much greater problem. I stated (twice actually) that I recognised he was controlling (which in itself is a form of abuse) and had Flightymary even hinted that she was in danger of being physically abused because of cutting her hair, then my post would have taken a completely tone.

However, she stated ?we had a blazing row and he said some hurtfull (sic) things like I will look ugly short and he won't fancy me anymore?. I therefore chose to comment on one possible reason why he would say this by giving a brief insight into the sexual association men have with hair (long and short).

For her Mother to give her two options is itself telling of how little hope there is of finding a balance of power in this relationship.

As for my suggesting a wig; I did so because never mind what her husband thinks; the OP might end up hating it. We have all been there; gotten a new hairstyle, but after a few days, without the masterful hands of a hairdresser to tease it into place, or with a makeup free face, it doesn't look as good.

Please note I said 'psuedo-feminists' and not 'feminists'. There is a huge difference between the two. The former generally don?t have a fucking clue and are just poseurs.

Balloonballs,

Is that where you "feminists" send all the women who refuse to hate, demean, belittle and generally shit on men at any opportunity?

Comixminx

Was I talking on behalf of the whole male population? no I was not. Ofcourse there are men who find women with short hair attractive as people like Halle Berry have proven. For you to suggest however, that all men should do the same is ludicrous.

You are welcome to agree with everyone else. This is not about you or me coming to an agreement. Did the OP not say her husband would cease to find her attractive? Why can't you admit that he has the right to do so. There are women who leave their OH's because of weight gain, or because they are going bald. Is that wrong? one can argue that it is, but when the physical attraction has been eroded, they might feel justified in leaving.

You were the one who talked about 'normal men', LadyFanny. The OP's husband might indeed not fancy her any more but that wouldn't be a signal of his normality; quite the reverse.

Comixminx

If you don't already do so, I think you should consider working for the Daily Mail. Your ability to manipulate and distort the truth is enviable!

Here is the original comment:

"(for example, it could be that with a pixie cut on your petite frame, you might end up looking like a young boy, and I cannot imagine a normal man being able to perform sexually under such circumstances).."

After reading this, a rational mind would interpret this to mean that a normal redblooded male would feel uncomfortable sleeping with someone who looks like a young boy.

You on the other hand, are trying to contort the meaning to convey that I think women who have pixie cuts will not be found attractive by normal men.

It's like watching Moses part the Red Sea.

Apart from the fact that Flightymary IS a woman and assuming you don't grow a penis on getting a short haircut, he should be able to make the distinction?

Chipmonkey,

Still stuck on my first post? Heh. (apologies OP)

Indeed! Why can?t he make the distinction? After all, sex is purely a physical act which only requires a penis and a vagina. Forget the correlation between physical desirability and passion/intimacy. .

As a matter of fact, I have to wonder why Scientists invest time, brainpower and money to research the differences in response to visual stimuli between the two sexes when it all boils down to this one simple mental process.

Wow. Lady you're a bit mad, but I see the method to your madness. Interesting posts.

Nothing to add, just day dreaming about Halle Berry and Emma Watson and how gorgeous unattractive they are...........

LadyofTheManor,

My thinking style might be unorthodox and unconventional, but that does not mean I am mad. As As George Orwell once said, (1984), "Orthodoxy means not thinking ? not needing to think". I choose to think as opposed to blindly following the herd mentality.

You say you have two options, either forget about it, or do it and see what he says after the event.

How about a middle ground. Book the appointment and sit down with your husband and tell him you've booked the appointment because it's what YOU want to do, but that you are happy to listen to his comments as long as they are not insulting.

As others have said, it's actually fine for him to say he prefers your hair long or he thinks short hair won't suit you. It's NOT fine for him to insult you and verbally abuse you. Is this really about your hair or is it more that he didn't make the decision for you?

Who decides how your DD with have her hair?

Going from really long hair to a pixie cut is a MASSIVE change. How about taking a large chunk off first to see how you like it.

Hope that the op is okay and not put off the underlying issues by the quite frankly bizarre meanderings about hair length and the attractiveness or otherwise of film stars... [bangs head]

While it's fine to take your partner's likes and dislikes into account, you sound really frightened of him and his aggressive reactions. That's not a good way to live, but you already know that, don't you?

Hope you're okay. Do you have any friends you can talk to about this?

LF speaks perfect sense to me - I have a female friend who has very short hair - If she grows it she wouldn't be the same ( sexually attractive wise ) - and If she puts on anymore weight she's history.

It's not just a male/female thing

I think the talk about sexual attraction is missing a point actually (even after four pages!). If we're talking about walking down the street and seeing how many whistles you get before and after the haircut, that's one issue. However, the situation in point is a long-standing couple, who have made children together, slept with each other for years, and presumably by now know each other inside and out both physically and emotionally. One aspect, the hair, may have changed but everything else about that person, her voice, her body, her movements, are the same. When the lights are out she feels the same and smells the same and makes love the same. She is his woman. To be totally put off someone you love because you're not used to seeing them with a different haircut is astonishingly shallow. As though the way her face looks, as framed by hair (which, let us not forget, primarily consists of dead cells), is more important than the whole rest of her and their shared history.

I still think he's a bloody control freak but that's no reason to assume he isn't shallow as well...

(Absolutely did not mean "his woman" in possessive sense but in sharing sense, obviously. He is "her man" in the same sense. The one you share your life with by mutual choice. Sorry about that. Very old-fashioned expression.)