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Original poster

Should I be allowed to cut my hair as I wish........

93 replies

Flightymary · 11/03/2011 00:39

I am in a relationship with a very strong willed man and he is quite dominant with me. He is a good man and a loving father but it is hard for me to express myself or have a different opinion. He tells me what he likes me to wear and I normally agree to save having a row. I am 37 and have long hair down my back which over the last few years has got out of condition and starting to look dated. My cousin who is also a hairdresser has been saying for years that as I am small and petite I would really suit a short summery pixie crop cut. When Emma Watson cut her hair short I really felt she looked great and I asked my partner what he thought. He said he loved it and i said i was thinking of cutting mine off short too. He went crazy and told me not too, we had a blazing row and he said some hurtfull things like I will look ugly short and he won't fancy me any more.
I am so upset about this for so many reasons, I feel I should be able to express myself, it is my hair and if I want a new style I should be able to do that and at my age I feel traditional long hair is not really flattering.
It is hard to chat with friends about this as it is so personal, my Mum knows that our relationship is difficult and feels I have 2 options, forget it and just stay long or without giving him any warning just have it cut and see what he says when its too late.
I am trying a post here as I just don't know what to do and would appreciate some advice.
Thanks

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/03/2011 10:42

It's your hair. Do whatever you like with it. Hair grows, it's not a permanent situation. However, I have to say that if my DH thought he could dictate what I did to my own fecking body, I'd be seriously Hmm Having an opinion is fine, telling other people how to wear their hair is bloody weird and not indicative of a 'good man' I'm afraid.

blinks · 13/03/2011 10:43

this thread is fucking jarring.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/03/2011 11:17

To get back to what this thread is actually about (which really isn't hairstyles) :

"Yes I do tend to agree to things to avoid a row."
" ... he has never raised his hands to me or even been remotely threatening." That should really be taken as standard, OP.
"He went crazy and told me not too, we had a blazing row and he said some hurtful things like I will look ugly short and he won't fancy me any more." Well, I would call this threatening, he is threatening to withdraw his approval which he has conditioned you to need. Threats don't have to be about violence.

Your partner is controlling. Do you want to be controlled? Or do you want an equal relationship?

And even if you are willing to put up with his behaviour - you have a daughter aged 10, what is your current relationship teaching her about how to behave in adulthood? How is it affecting how she will behave in a relationship and what sort of partner she is likely to settle for?

I think now is a good time to start considering what you want from life for you, your daughter, and your partner.

otchayaniye · 13/03/2011 13:20

This is more about the hair, I agree. He is being controlling.

But I would definitely advise (as a former long hair to shortee now medium and a brunette to blond to brunette again) getting it cut in a two stage process -- this is for you though, not your arsey husband.

It will be a massive shock to go from bum length to pixie and YOU may have mixed feelings about it, so go to medium length first, then maybe shorter again, before going pixie (which yes, does favour the elfin of face and teeny of frame)

Best of luck.

givemethestrongestcheese · 13/03/2011 15:34

I too agree that this is not about hair. An earlier poster is right, you should not have consulted DH first - that implies you expect to have his permission, or not, before you have a hair cut. Once he has said you will look ugly with it short, I am guessing you will not be happy if you go ahead Sad as you won't forget he said that.

Get your hair significantly trimmed for now, if it is rat endy and then work on having a more equal relationship; one where you don't need to get DH's approval for your clothes and hair.

Humptydidit - your poor daughter Sad That is awful.

colditz · 13/03/2011 15:36

Why do you care about his opinion so much? I do as I please with my hair. I ask my boyfriend's opinion, mainly because I know he wouldn't actually fuss (although he might care) if I got it cut like someone out of jedward!

LadyFannyofBumStreet · 14/03/2011 00:27

I am on the fence here. On one hand, his dominating and controlling ways are of concern but on the other hand, for any relationship to survive, there has to be an element of physical attraction. If for whatever reason he doesn't fancy you anymore (for example, it could be that with a pixie cut on your petite frame, you might end up looking like a young boy, and I cannot imagine a normal man being able to perform sexually under such circumstances)do you have a plan in place to deal with this?

If it's within your financial means, go online and buy a short pixie wig (or ask your hairdresser to source one for you). Don't tell anyone (even your Mother) that it's a wig. Before you show it to anyone else, see how you feel with a new cut and then test the waters with your family.

Good luck, and hope it all works out in the end. I am rooting for you. Not him.

chipmonkey · 14/03/2011 00:39

Spooky, are you for real? Halle Berry is beautiful, end of! And Emma Watson's hair is a huge improvement on the Hermione look! I would have my own that way, if I didn't have a dinner plate for a head!

Flighty, you know this isn't right. I agree with Tortoise and Attila and wonder what's in this for you?

comixminx · 14/03/2011 06:03

LadyFanny, WTF? I had a pixie cut on a petite, boyish frame when in my twenties, and your statement about not imaging a normal man being able to perform sexually in that case is wrong and frankly weird in itself.

FlamingoBingo · 14/03/2011 07:08

LadyFanny - that is the most bizarre post I've ever read! Shock

OP - do not buy a wig! That is bonkers!

And, as usual, has completely detracted from the point that this has fuck all to do with your partner not wanting you to have short hair and everything to do with the fact that he is a controlling arse!

ZacharyQuack · 14/03/2011 07:52

OP, do what you like with your hair. It's just hair, it grows back. Your DH is being an arse.

But if you do have the chop, please look into donating your hair. An earlier poster mentioned donating to make wigs for children with cancer. Wouldn't it be lovely to think of your hair making a child feel better?

ithaka · 14/03/2011 08:08

'Normal' men can perform sexually with slim, petite women with short hair - believe me Wink Indeed, some may even prefer them over a chunky lass with split ends, but that is hardly the point.

However, I would go for a sharp bob first, as long to pixie could be a bit much to take - for the OP that is, her selfish controlling OH will just have to lump it.

StewieGriffinsMom · 14/03/2011 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

issey6cats · 14/03/2011 14:28

YANBU when i met my DH i had just gone from long hair to short hair with blonde highlights my natural colour is strawberry blonde, and for quite a while i kept it the same style as he liked it, my DH is aspergers so a lot of his life is about keeping the same routines and constants in his life, but in the eight years we have been together i have had long hair, short hair, dark red, bright red, back to aux naturell, blonde highlights, almost black red hair, currently a shoulder length bob with blonde highlights and though he has liked some hair cuts and not others he hasnt said things like you DH,but i do agree with others going from bum length hair to pixie is very drastic and would take a long time to grow again if you didnt like it so maybe a half way length cut with layers would be a good compromise

mpops · 14/03/2011 15:35

Please can everyone stop talking about hairstyles. This thread is making me feel ill. It's nothing to do with hair. Replace 'short hair' with 'yellow top'/'broken nose'/'new career' and you could be having exactly the same situation. OP's DH sounds controlling and abusive. Power and control don't have to express themselves in punches and slap only - what he's doing is equally destructive. Sexual attraction has sod all to do with any of this either. He is using it as an excuse to emotionally blackmail OP. Telling someone you ase supposed to love that you'll find them ugly if they cut their hair is childish at best, absolutely terrifying at worst.

OP, my advice would be to do exactly as you please and cross that massive bridge on to the other side, showing your DH that what you are your own person and not his property. Good luck.

joanne34 · 14/03/2011 15:54

Agree with Nooka, Ive always had long hair, but had it cut into short bobs the past couple of years, it is extremely liberating, and personally made me feel more sexy, self confident and womanly !

It's your hair !

Ditto with Nooka too; re my DP normally has a beard, but shaves it off every once in a while, although I am sad to see it go and think he looks a tad funny with out it, by the next day i am used to it and it always grows back ! :) I dont get angry over it though, it's his face !

If you really want it done, then do it.... it will grow back again .... He may even love it too !

Deliainthemaking · 14/03/2011 15:57

this is not healthy really its not he's domineering and controlling,

If hes so shallow that a haircut would stop him fancying you then get rid tbh, call his bluff

joanne34 · 14/03/2011 15:58

Actually, this man is supposed to support you in your quest for happiness ? So long as you are not harming yourself.....

Sassybeast · 14/03/2011 16:06

Dear God Spooky - do people like you 'really' exist ? A woman posts about a controlling man who is telling her what to do with her own body and you provide a critique of Emma Watsons hair do?

OP - a man who calls you ugly is NOT a good man. What other concerns does your mother have about your relationship?

LadyOfTheManor · 14/03/2011 16:14

This doesn't sound too healthy :(

Saying that, my dh hates women with "boy haircuts". I have hair down to my elbows, but I keep it stylish and layered...I think sometimes I want it short, just because he doesn't want me to...but in the long run I know my hair is my security.

charitygirl · 14/03/2011 16:18

Gah - another irrelevant comment about whether long hair is 'better' or 'preferred by men'. Save it for another thread!

LadyOfTheManor · 14/03/2011 16:22

What if he didn't want to shave for a month...would that be acceptable?

I happen to respect what my husband likes about my appearance, and likewise for him.

But if the op's partner dictates her clothing, and she allows it, I'm not too sure why she's surprised that it's escalated to this.

indiechick · 14/03/2011 16:24

My husband much prefers long hair and for a while I kept it long. Last year I had a really short haircut and it looked great. He was a little shocked and I have to say did not react well initially. However about a week later he admitted it looked great. You should have yours cut, not necessarily into a pixie cut but definately shorter. And don't make a big deal out of it. Just show him and smile. If he reacts badly just walk away. He'll get over it and if he doesn't, you need to rethink your relationship.

garlicbutter · 14/03/2011 16:28

I thought SpookyBaby's post was weird until I read LadyFanny's! I would question the 'normality' of a man who can't tell the sex of his partner without checking her hairstyle Grin

There probably are hair fetishists out there, but this thread isn't about them. It's about a man who considers his partner his property, not a person with free will. And a woman who has been conditioned to think of herself as less than fully human :(

OP, normal men don't need to be asked before you cut your hair, change your style of dress or experiment with different makeup. Nice men actively encourage you to do things like this if you feel like it! A "normally" unhappy woman is one whose partner hasn't noticed her radical change in appearance, not forbidden it.

I'm glad your mum's got her eyes open. I can't tell you how much I hope you are discussing all this with her now. Go well.

LadyFannyofBumStreet · 14/03/2011 21:14

Comixminx,

You had a pixie cut? Well done dear. So have millions of other women. I fail to see the relevance of your comment in relation to mine. I have no issues with the haircut at all. Frankly, I envy women who have the delicate features necessary to pull it off without looking like a prepubescent lad.

However, in this context, the OP has every right to express, experiment, or do whatever she wishes with her hair. However, she also has an obligation as a wife to consider her husband?s wishes. I am uncomfortable with his controlling and dominating ways, but addressing them is hardly likely to change anything, so I chose to focus on the consequences of the haircut.

In my experience, alot of men have stated that women with short hair tend to look like boys. In fact one lady cut her hair quite short and all her husband could do was stutter ?you look just like your brother?. You can probably guess the effect it had on their relationship.

The problem with pseudo feminists like you and Flamingobingo is that you have such a cyclical way of thinking, which almost always means that the views you present are one sided and in favour of the female. How about seeking a balanced view? No wait, that would be ?bonkers?. Hmm

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