Should I be allowed to cut my hair as I wish........

[Flightymary]

I am in a relationship with a very strong willed man and he is quite dominant with me. He is a good man and a loving father but it is hard for me to express myself or have a different opinion. He tells me what he likes me to wear and I normally agree to save having a row. I am 37 and have long hair down my back which over the last few years has got out of condition and starting to look dated. My cousin who is also a hairdresser has been saying for years that as I am small and petite I would really suit a short summery pixie crop cut. When Emma Watson cut her hair short I really felt she looked great and I asked my partner what he thought. He said he loved it and i said i was thinking of cutting mine off short too. He went crazy and told me not too, we had a blazing row and he said some hurtfull things like I will look ugly short and he won't fancy me any more.
I am so upset about this for so many reasons, I feel I should be able to express myself, it is my hair and if I want a new style I should be able to do that and at my age I feel traditional long hair is not really flattering.
It is hard to chat with friends about this as it is so personal, my Mum knows that our relationship is difficult and feels I have 2 options, forget it and just stay long or without giving him any warning just have it cut and see what he says when its too late.
I am trying a post here as I just don't know what to do and would appreciate some advice.
Thanks

Actually Emma did not have her hair cut for a role.

My husband prefers me with long hair but wouldn't try and stop me if I wanted it cut. He listens to me with how I would like his hair but ultimately it is his choice.

In isolation him saying he wants you to keep your hair long is not an issue. It is the fact that he is controlling in lots of ways that is the issue.

Fm, this doesn't sound good. What do you think he'd say if you pointed out that you're not his property and, although you love him and would, of course consider his opinion on things, he has no right at all to make you do what he wants? If you think he'd 'go crazy' or are in the slightest scared of his emotional violence, then you really need to reassess this relationship.

Do not 'put up and shut up'. Your daughter is learning bad things about how relationships ought to work, and your life is being controlled by another adult. He needs to be shown how wrong his behaviour is and to learn how to change it. Get marriage counselling or something.

Having said that, I shouldn't think a man as vile as he sounds can change. If you want to send your daughter a good message about being a strong, independent woman, and to be happy yourself and able to do the things you want to do and think the things you want to think, you may have to thin about leaving this damaging relationship.

Of course you are entitled to cut your hair any way you like.

Your post actually gave me a flashback to the 70s, when my mum had her hair cut into 'spikes' - very fashionable at the time - and my dad went mental and she had to grow it out.

Guess what? My parent's divorced many, many years ago now. They have both remarried and my dad wouldn't dream of telling his wife how to cut her hair.

I think there was little point in asking your husband his opinion on the cut if you were going to ignore it. You should have just had the cut, although I think you have to have good cheekbones and a beautiful face to carry off a pixie cut. I couldn't do it.
I wouldn't like my husband to grow a beard and if he asked me should he grow one I'd say no and would be upset if he grew one. That's not me being controlling, it's the fact that fancying someone is partly based on their appearance, plus there is no point asking someone their opinion and then ignoring it.
My husband doesn't generally mind what I do to my hair as he knows it ends up looking much the same a few months later anyway.
If you really don't like your hair then discuss with him the fact that you are getting it cut and maybe discuss different styles.
You should never have asked him his opinion in the first place though if you really wanted to get it cut, that way he wouldn't feel this was something he should have a say in.

Spooky, what a load of crap you have spouted in your post.

OP sorry but your relationship isn't one of equals just now and I think you should address this. If cutting your hair is something you want to do and addresses this then I would do it.

To those of think the dh has a defence form his behaviour and wouldnhave done the same yourself - really!? You'd really go crazy and have a huge row about it?

Can't you see this is not about the bloody haircut, it it about a husband who controls his wife by being angry and aggressive.

Just to add - my OH has a penchant for silly facial hair. He sometimes grows mutton chop whiskers, or a zapata moustache (he is a hairy bloke and it grows quickly) then he will on a whim shave it all off.

Now, I prefer him clean shaven and he knows this. That doesn't mean he doesn't grow his silly beards though. Why shouldn't he? I wouldn't dream of telling him not to, it is up to him.

Mind you, I know some of my pals think I have the patience of a saint over this, but I think it would be shallow to try and control his appearance (he wouldn't do what I told him anyway and quite right too).

dear god!, it dosnet matter a flying shit what emma bloody watson looks like!

love, he is not 'a good man'!, in an equal relationship you shouldnt even have to tell him you are going to the bloody hairdresser! its YOUR hair, YOUR body and YOUR decision! over the years i have experimented with all kinds of looks, not always with huge success - my dh would NEVER shout, swear, be horrible etc (he might mention that 'hmm, not quite so sure about that one jwn', but always with the best of humour!)he has loved me fat, thin, short haired, long haired, pink haired, spotty, tired, ill, well, clear-skinned you name it!

please love, do what you want, tbh, if he leaves over a hair cut was he really worth having in the first place?

Oh for goodness sake.

Of course you should cut your hair as you wish. And if my dh shaves his head and wears a mankini I would still love him.
What I wouldn't do is go mad and say hurtful things because that is childish selfish and manipulative.

Turning this thread into a debate about how Emma Watson doesn't look so good and straight men don't like pixie cuts must rank as the most fascile post I have ever read. And is also bollocks.

absolutly right pagwatch!

My MIL is like this - she always says "oooh I could never do that, FIL would go mad!" so FIL always gets his own way. Currently I am encouraging her to just do something and then put up with the inevitable week of sulking. My theory is that FIL will then become more accustomed to change and reel his neck in a bit. He's neither stupid nor abusive just a bit alpha and needs boundaries!

If I didn't 'defy' my husband (again, prone to alpha-ness) sometimes, he'd get really dominant and make all the decisions and then bye-bye nice equal marriage. Unless the OPs husband really is a bad man (which he may well be) then he's probably just got in the habit of making all the decisions. Conflict and compromise takes time and energy but its worth it and keeps the relationship balanced. You can't both agree all the time!

And - its always easier to beg forgiveness than ask for permission!

I have had some experience of this, having a drastic haircut does drastically change your appearance and your DH may not like it, but at the end of the day it is YOUR choice.

I had my longish blonde hair dyed brown and cut shorter than I normally wear it and my dp hated it, but I only knew he hated it after having it dyed back to blonde and he finally admitted it he was 'so relieved'.

Point is, he would never have dreamed of stopping me or saying anything, perhaps your dh has a point in that he won't like it (I wish dp would speak up more), but his manner of putting his point across is unacceptable and he certainly cannot tell you what to do, your not a possession to be owned, you are a person in your own right who should be able to make your own choices.

On the other side, dp would like to grow a beard, but I absolutely hate facial hair and he knows this, I would never stop him, but he keeps clean shaven as a wee thing for me.

unfortunately you can't see this man has very bad behaviour you have have accepted.

To justify his behaviour you look at other aspects of his behaviour, you look to yourself, you keep silent as you don't want to row. You conduct yourself in your every day life so that you are not frightened - even down to a hair cut.

You can carrying on living like this if you choose, but it is bad behaviour

JesusWhatNext, Pagwatch et al have all put it so well. This is not about hair, this is about love and respect within a relationship.

Flightymary - I am not sure how you need to approach this but you need to establish your own self in your relationship with your husband.

The lessons you are teaching your daughter are that a 'good' wife is meek, subservient and must be responsible for 'keeping the peace' in a relationship. Are these good lessons?

It really isn't normal for a man to get angry if his wife wants to cut her hair. If he doesn't like the idea he might say that he prefers it long, perhaps make it obvious he's not thrilled about it, but ultimately a normal husband would recognise that it's up to his wife. 'Going crazy' is not good, it really isn't.

There was some considerable debate on the stately homes threads (Dysfunctional families) about the importance of hair to ones identity.

Your hair is a massive part of how you define yourself to yourself and to the world. If someone is controlling that, they are shaping your identity for you, and you are therefore losing yourself and losing your own identity.

That is tragic and completely unacceptable. People may laugh at this, but I know that, it is a very powerful way to remove someone from themselves. That is beyond awful.

XH used to throw a wobbly whenever I had my hair cut. I pointed out that I was the one who has to wash and comb it. And if he carried on I would lash back "At least I've got hair". It made him laugh but it shut him up. He would also say I was a man - not looked like, was - to which I replied that given what he was doing last night with a man, then, he must be gay. Among his many charming attributes he was also homophobic, so that one really stung. Bolshy cow? Yeah. So sue me. He got his way far too often about most things but my hair is mine.

In this instance it is not a healthy relationship and the DH is overly controlling. However my DH who is genuinely loving and caring prefers my hair long and with blonde highlights. He wouldn't say anything if I had it cut short, as I did when pregnant, but when it is longer he says "Oh I like it long like that" and when highlighted comments that he likes it blonde.

If left to my own devices I'd probably have it a bit shorter, but I want to be as attractive as I can be for DH so I'm happy to keep it longer.

I don't see why partners can't express an opinion over the others appearance provided its done in a non overbearing way. I wouldn't be pleased if DH suddenly decided to sprout a moustache or grow a beard and I would have to say something about it.

A man doesn't have to hit or threaten you in order to be controlling to the extend of it being abusive.

The fact that you use the terms "will not allow" you to do things is deeply troubling.

The fact that you have learnt over the years to just toe the line rather than do as you would like is absolutly not on.

This specific argument about hair is irrelivent, it is your hair and you should cut it how you wish. (for what its worth i think if you have had such long hair
for so long that a pixie cut will be very difficult for you so i would advise a shoter fresher look but not quite as drastic to star with)

You need to start standing up to him. He has no right at all to tell you what to wear, how to look or what to think. There is nothing to argue about. IF he dislikes it you say "thats a shame. I love it" if eh tries to cause an argument you simply say "well it is my hair and i love it. and as it is already done there is no point discussing it"
and remove yourself from him. Let him sulk if he wants.

When I met XP my hair was just growing out of a short cut I'd had. I'd had long hair all my life until my teens (my hair grows quickly) but when I got brave and had it cut, I loved having short hair, I hate the amount of maintenence long hair requires, and every year when it starts to get warmer I grumble about how I want to chop it all off. XP used to go on and on about how I looked like a lesbian in old photos where I had short hair, how he wouldn't fancy me if I had short hair, how he would leave because he wouldn't be able to stand to be seen with me etc etc. So I kept it long.

When it came to the time for him to have his hair cut, he would go and get his hair cut so short that it looked awful, highlighted the wrong features in his face, made him look like a thug. It was ok when it grew out a bit. Every time he got his hair cut I used to try to persuade him not to have his hair cut so short and he'd completely ignore me One rule for him, another for me.

It's been over a year since I left now (the hair thing was just a small part of a huge pattern of controlling behaviour) and suddenly I've realised, why do I STILL have long hair? I hate it! It wasn't even my decision to keep it! So I'm going to get it all cut off next week and I can't wait :) I mentioned it to my boyfriend and he said sure, go for it! In fact I think he's secretly quite pleased as he finds my long hair annoying in bed, especially if it's wet

DH prefers my hair long, but he would never tell me how I should have it. It is currently quite short, and I feel it suits me better this way.

Reading This thread had been rally liberating for me, so to the people who have cited how important your own choices re haircut are to one's self esteem, Thank you,

I lost all my hair in an accident at 23 and started to grow it back because it was expected of me. It got so long and then after 18mnths I cut it off and kept it shaved for the best part of 10 yrs.

FM, what you see in the mirror, or rather who you see, is the person you need to be happy with. Because for many many people, confidence starts with being at least some way content with that.

I don't know how you deal with your H, but I would find the strength to have it cut and state calmly that it is important to you and whilst it isn't his preference, you would appreciate his support.
After that.... it says a lot about him if that choice causes trouble for you..

it's not the fact he prefers your hair long that is the issue. it's the way he has expressed his opinion - very aggressively and without care.

it's about more than the hair really, isn't it. you don't seem to be able to breathe in this relatioship. it's not good to be scared of your partner and you clearly are.

i had very short hair as its suits me better,ex wasnt happy and i grew it long-yes its nice to be a girlie girl with long hair but with kids most of the time it ended being tied up anyway...roll on a few years,we separated and the very next week i had my hair cut off again and boy did it feel good!!!! i still get loads of nice comments and i now have it various strange colours at the front and i get so many compliments and many 'oh i love your hair it suits you so much i wish i had the nerve to do that'
when my ex saw the colour change for the first time he said what have you done to your hair my comment back was at least i,ve got hair...

i,ve lost weight,got fit,and have short coloured hair...i have a new very fit younger boyfriend and i wouldnt change my hair for anyone but ME!! if anyone else doesnt like it then thats their problem not mine...as for the men dont like short hair-rubbish i know my man loves my funky haircut and even if he didnt i,m not going to change for anyone ever ever again!!

Got a bit lost for a minute in all the debate of the rights and wrongs of short hair...wtf???
Anyway, my ex h was very controlling. He always wanted me to have long hair. He also wanted our dd to have long hair.
Once I left him I got my hair cut a week later and had about 10 inches cut off it. Not really to spite him but to express myself and chose for myself how I looked. When I came out of the hairdresser with a bob, my dd (age 5) whose hair was long enough to sit on announced that she wanted hers cut like mine. So I took her and she is thrilled with it and it looks so much better on her. Next time she saw ex h he tells her it looks awful and she is devastated then he turned on me telling me how dare I cut her hair and he forbids me to do it again. Again wtf?
He is a nasty controlling bastard. Not saying op that your h is necessarily the same, but just making the point that such a silly thing as hair cuts can be an indicator of lots of other unhealthy nastiness.
TBH you might look terrible with pixie hair cut, but who cares? It is your hair and you should cut it how you want it