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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My OH just told me he thinks that his career is more important than family, and I'm gutted,

90 replies

Imps7 · 09/03/2011 19:10

I've been with OH for 11 years (we're both early 30s). Over the last 6 or 7 years he's become driven by money and doing well in his career. As it is I see him very very little during the week (he works 12 hours days, getting back at 9pm on a good day). At weekends and on holidays he's never without his laptop and Blackberry (e.g. I had to wonder around San Francisco by myself for 4 hours when we were there last March because he had to do a conference call back at the hotel).

At the New Year we decided to start TTC. I thought that this meant that his shift was finally moving from work towards having a family life. However, he has just told me that wants to accept an offer on a new job which pays more and is for a better company - but this job involves a daily 3.5 hour commute on top of his normal working hours.

I'm really upset. I can't imagine having a family where the dad is never around or where his focus is always on his job and not his wife/children. I always imagined my family to be a close and happy unit where everyone spends time together in the evening eating dinner and playing games/watching tv as a family, just as me and my mum, dad and sister did when I was growing up. I didn't sign up for being the only parent around.

I'm beyond gutted to realise that I'll never have the family life I've always dreamed of and am looking for some words of comfort and wisdom from anyone who may have been there, done that.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 09/03/2011 19:13

if it were me i'd be giving him an ultimatum

job or family.

and i would be willing to walk out if he said job

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 09/03/2011 19:15

I've been there and done that and it is no life for anyone.

At least your OH is honest and upfront to tell you beforehand what his aims are. my dh duped me made out he was all family orientated and then just worked 15 hours a day.

We are about to divorce.

You clearly don't have the same future plans so i'm sorry to say this but he's not the right life partner for you.

Pinkflipflop · 09/03/2011 19:18

Can you move closer to his new job?

MissGreatBritain · 09/03/2011 19:19

I would sit him down and have a long chat about how you view "family life", to see if he is prepared to make some sacrifices.

My DH said (before DS was born) that he didn't want to end up "babysitting" on his days off... needless to say he was absolutely besotted with his baby and still is (8 years later) so having a child could potentially change his outlook. But it may not, and you need to be prepared for that scenario if you're going to go ahead with it.

kerala · 09/03/2011 19:20

He will end up a very lonely sad man. DH and I left jobs like this because we considered they werent conducive to family life. Yes lots less money but somethings are just more important.

Original poster

Imps7 · 09/03/2011 19:21

Pinkflipflop - we only moved house 5 months ago - into our "family home" would you believe! Really can't afford to do it again for the forseeable future (I'd forgotten how damned expensive it is!)

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow - you've said what has been terrifying me, I'm afraid to say.

OP posts:

shinyshoes · 09/03/2011 19:22

you are still very young, would it be too bad if you waited a few years until he's climbed that corporate ladder and is a bit more settled in his career.. He might be more willing

HecateTheCrone · 09/03/2011 19:23

I think you should sit down together and you should tell him the life you want, listen while he tells you the life he wants, then discuss the two lives and see if they can meet in the middle in a way that both of you are happy with.

If they cannot, then you must consider deciding whether or not you are willing to sacrifice the life you want in order to stay with him. (i have a funny feeling he won't sacrifice the life he wants in order to stay with you!)

I'd advise you to not sacrifice.

PlasticLentilWeaver · 09/03/2011 19:23

Maybe he sees a new job and hefty pay rise as the way to support his family? Did he actually use the words in your title, or are you interpreting that from his desire to earn more?

Can't you move? It doesn't have to be either/or.

LaurieFairyCake · 09/03/2011 19:26

I gave up my 20s for a marriage like this and then was unable to have children with my new husband who adored children and family life.

It was heartbreaking.

weegiemum · 09/03/2011 19:28

But this sounds like the sort of man who is never finished "climbing the ladder".

I know you are 'young' in your early 30s but it doesn't always work out as easily as has been suggested. I had my children in late 20's/early 30s and am glad I did as I had an early menopause.

If this man doesn't want a family, and you do, then you need to consider your options - what is best for you both?

Theyremybiscuits · 09/03/2011 19:30

When I asked my soon to be ex whether he could could spend more time with the DC and myself he said 'the weekend is time for me to relax' and that was one more nail in the coffin for our marriage - I knew it would not change.

mamatomany · 09/03/2011 19:33

Well I'd be inclined to believe PlasticLentilWeavers theory, I had a friend like this who was very career orientated until he hit 40, then they had 4 kids in 5 years and he stays home to look after them whilst she goes to the gym and does charity work, because she can, he paid the mortgage off years ago and has more or less retired.
He is the most involved fantastic dad you'd hope to come across.

happiestblonde · 09/03/2011 19:34

Sit down and talk to him.

On the bright side, at least you'll be able to afford to send them to good private schools... (clutching at straws)

Theyremybiscuits · 09/03/2011 19:35

Mamatomany that's a lovely post

spidookly · 09/03/2011 19:36

It doesn't sound like you guys want the same things out of life.

He's not wrong to want a career more than a family and you're not wong to want to make family the centre of your life.

I'm not really sure where the compromise is here. There's no reason either of you should have a life other than the one that will make you happiest.

I don't think it's ultimatum time, I think it's listening to each other and figuring out if you really have a future together time.

But decide SOON. You are in you early 30s. You have time to meet someone new, but not endless time (as I'm sure you know).

Original poster

Imps7 · 09/03/2011 19:37

PlasticLentilWeaver - he has said that it would be good for us if he earned more because then I could give up work to look after the children - I've told him hundreds of times that I don't want to give up work - I'd much rather cut my working hours, tighten our belts and have him around in the evening and at weekends. The "support" thing is just him trying to justify himself - he is totally status driven and believes that your salary defines your success as a human being. Weegiemum is totally right - he'll never have reached the top of the ladder.

I've always known that he's focussed on his work, but it's only as we've grown up that it's become an issue. Oh, and PlasticLentilWeaver, he did use those words to me - when I was on the phone to him just now I said that my priority has always been family and he said that his is his career.

What is best for us both? Well, if it's to work, one of us has to change our expectations - he either needs to realise that the role of a father is not just to earn money, or I need to accept and become comfortable with having a husband who isn't around much and put all my efforts into raising our family.

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 09/03/2011 19:38

If you can't afford to sell your house and buy one nearer to the potential new job, how about renting out your home, and then renting nearer?

A 3 1/2 hour commute is too long really, especially with a family, and frankly, if he really wants this job and sees it as a long term position, then a bit pointless? The commute would quickly add up to costing more than moving a bit closer....

AyeRobot · 09/03/2011 19:39

Does he think that having a stay at home mum for a wife is a status thing?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 09/03/2011 19:42

Are you married to him? I only ask because if you give up your career to raise his children and your not married if could have awful financial consequences for you if you split up.

freshmint · 09/03/2011 19:43

It also sounds as though you have different ideas of how your partnership is going to work. If working is important to you and you have made that clear, why is he telling you you could give up work to look after children? That (a) is unsupportive and (b) rather belittling - like he thinks he knows what is better for you than you do.

I would be sitting down and having a very serious conversation. It doesn't sound like you want the same type of life at all to me.

Original poster

Imps7 · 09/03/2011 19:45

AyeRobot - perhaps! I should ask him!

Mamatomany - that is a very positive-thinking post - thanks! My OH is very lovely indeed - he's very thoughtful and kind, is excellent with our nieces, nephews and friend's kids and is the sort of person who always takes his mum flowers whenever we see her. He's top notch father material...if he only needed to see them at weekends!

Oh to have a crystal ball to hand - if we have a baby then it may be okay, or we may end up splitting up and that really wouldn't make me happy. On the other hand, if we wait then we're just putting the problem off and you never know what might happen in the meantime which could prevent us from having a family.

Being a grown-up sucks.

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Original poster

Imps7 · 09/03/2011 19:46

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow - we not married, but it's something I'd insist on if we have children.

OP posts:

FellatioNelson · 09/03/2011 19:47

Surely you can just move nearer to the new job? After all, it's the perfect time to change area - with no children in school yet. It doesn't have to be one or the other you know.

Original poster

Imps7 · 09/03/2011 19:47

*we're

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