My OH just told me he thinks that his career is more important than family, and I'm gutted,

[Imps7]

I've been with OH for 11 years (we're both early 30s). Over the last 6 or 7 years he's become driven by money and doing well in his career. As it is I see him very very little during the week (he works 12 hours days, getting back at 9pm on a good day). At weekends and on holidays he's never without his laptop and Blackberry (e.g. I had to wonder around San Francisco by myself for 4 hours when we were there last March because he had to do a conference call back at the hotel).

At the New Year we decided to start TTC. I thought that this meant that his shift was finally moving from work towards having a family life. However, he has just told me that wants to accept an offer on a new job which pays more and is for a better company - but this job involves a daily 3.5 hour commute on top of his normal working hours.

I'm really upset. I can't imagine having a family where the dad is never around or where his focus is always on his job and not his wife/children. I always imagined my family to be a close and happy unit where everyone spends time together in the evening eating dinner and playing games/watching tv as a family, just as me and my mum, dad and sister did when I was growing up. I didn't sign up for being the only parent around.

I'm beyond gutted to realise that I'll never have the family life I've always dreamed of and am looking for some words of comfort and wisdom from anyone who may have been there, done that.

Remember that you can be perfectly compatible about everything except your different attitudes to work, and still have a great and deeply fulfilling marriage. BUT you need to understand and respect each others' points of view, and work out what compromises are possible to enable you to live with the mismatch harmoniously and without guilt or rows. And the compromises have to come from both sides - if it is just one of you giving ground (or demanding ground) then the relationship is going to struggle.

TBH at the moment I think he is expecting you to give ground and he is making massive assumptions about what will make you happy. 1.75 hrs commute each way is not unusual in some careers, and I imagine your DH bought the house thinking you could raise the kids with an 'idylic' life whilst he works his socks off to pay for it all. Not necessarily 'wrong' but probably misguided if it wasn't explicitly discussed and agreed.

I think you should probably have not just one conversation but a series of conversations. Have you ever told him what your upbringing was like in detail? Have you ever discussed his? It wasn't until my DH and I had kids that I realised how different our own upbringings and expectations were - it had just never been anything we'd explored in depth prior to my becoming PG and we'd just assumed that we'd had the same type of experience.

If you could, I think you would probably benefit from (good) relationship counselling because this is one of those blocks in a relationship that could go nuclear if not properly dealt with. But if you are both clear and respectful and willing to make compromises then it shouldn't be a dealbreaker

I have a friend who is a SAHM and very well off, no mortgage etc. Her DH has always worked extremely long hours during the week and expected "me time" relaxing at the weekend while she does days out and excursions with the grandparents!
She thought things might change as the DC grew from babies to children and he might become more involved out of work hours .... it hasn't! They are loaded and have a beautiful house, nice cars, but at what cost?

When you have this talk Imps7 - put EVERYTHING on the table.

Staying together, splitting up, moving closer to his work, you as SAHM, you as WOHM, him as SAHD, him moving to London for the week, him seeking work closer to where you live, having children now, having them later, not having them at all, having lots, having 2, having more

Talk through ALL of it. Put stuff on the table that neither of you think is ever remotely possible or desirable but that could realistically happen.

Then start trying to narrow down your options, by a process of discussion and agreement, until you start seeing the shape of what a life you both liked would look like.

Then you each decide whether that is a life you look forward to living.

That's good advice, thanks Spidookly

In this present climate and depending on where you work (eg "The City") a 12 - 14 hour day (commute included) is not unusual.

My husband both worked these hours before we had children and often we both travelled a lot (we used to pass each other in airports!).

I do not know anyone whose husband's/wives are home every night for dinner with children at 5.30? My husband and I both get up at 6.00, I do an hour's work before the children wake up and he leaves the house at 6.30. I take the children to school and then pick them up at 6pm from the child minder. I do bath and bed and then carry on working in the evening. My husband probably gets home between 8 - 9pm.

At the weekends however we are a family. We are strong family unit and the old saying of "quality" over "quantity" I hope applies. We adore our children and really enjoy being with them, rather than seeing it as a grind. The children get this and they in turn adore their Dad.

Yes in an ideal world we would probably like to spend more time with our children and each other during the week. However this is just not possible given the financial responsibilities of having a family. (I am not talking designer clothes or holidays either).

Imps,

re your comment:-

"The marriage thing is really not an issue for either of us - we don't want to get married, but unless the law changes for cohabitees we will need to, if we have children, and we both accept that with that".

The law with regards to cohabitation won't likely change any time soon and if you're with children and are a cohabitee your legal rights still amount to bugger all if a split occurs. Basically as it stands what is his is his and what is yours is yours. You are not related to each other in legal terms and he is not responsible for your own financial position in the event of a split.

I agree with making your position crystal clear to him and with no ambiguity on your part.

Re your comment above too whose idea is that in the main however, yours or his?. Why don't you want to get married?. Has he never brought up the subject up?. It seems to me that you've just rubbed along together since your early 20s and you're both at different places now.

You are also now ttc a child together so you are placing yourself in a very vulnerable position here legally as well as emotionally. He's not around much as it is, how is that ever going to change when a child comes into being?.

I still think that fundamentally you are not on the same page any more. He considers his career to be his number 1 priority; if he stated that when you talk what would you do then?. I hope he does not fudge the issue, he now needs to be completely honest with you.

I live in the South-East, a lovely family orientated place. But a lot of husbands work in the City. Wives are: stay at home, part-time or have fabulous Au-pairs or Nannies, or juggle madly. Most City folk leave 6-7 ish in the morning, and are back 7 or later in the evening.
The kids aren't delinquent, and on the whole have a good relationship with their fathers. But a lot of mothers do take on more than their fair share of the burden of family life. A lot have partners who are often away on business, which leads to the need for good babysitters etc.

Most fathers are not really motivated by money, but by doing something interesting and challenging.

Do think and discuss hard what you both really want and what compromises you are willing to make. There are couples where the husband is a weekly commuter, there are ones where they may have a smaller house/be further away from family, or you may ultimately want such different things from life that you are moving in different directions. (One good thing about traditional weddings is that marriage preparation classes should cover discussing sch issues.)

Why don't you want to get married?. Has he never brought up the subject up?.

We have of course discussed getting married and we both sing from the same hymn sheet in this respect. I'm 100% happy with where we are with marriage so it's not something I'm really going to go into.

I realise that the law regarding cohabitees is not going to change, hence our agreement to sign that bit of paper once we know that children will arrive.

I've got some very useful guidance from this thread so I think I am just going to focus now on my conversation with OH at the weekend with the benefit of the advice I've got so far.

Thanks all.

Hi Imps,

re your comment:-

"I realise that the law regarding cohabitees is not going to change, hence our agreement to sign that bit of paper once we know that children will arrive".

What bit of paper?!. A Marriage cert?. (Its not just a piece of paper either). I probably sound very old fashioned to you but what's so anathema about getting married in the first place before children come along?. Verbal agreements can be broken all too easily and where will you be then?. Do not sleepwalk into all this any more than you already have done. Yes, being a grown up does suck doesn't it?.

If you always wanted to replicate the life your parents led this will patently not happen with this individual. It is not now. For a start you are not married yet are ttc a child. Actually with all this going on with regards to your relationship you'd be better off putting the whole ttc issue on hold but you won't do that because this is not what you want to read.

Good luck with your talk at the weekend. I do wish you well.

Thanks Attila.

Like TummyTuckRequired my DH and I use to pass each other in airports but now we've moved abroad I've become a SAHM while he still works stupid hours and travels with work (BTW I was a complete workaholic and the withdrawal was not as hard as I expected but even a year in I do still miss my working life - both before and after DCs).

For us the deal is the week is work and travel, and to be honest the kids and I get on and do our thing, but the weekends are family time. And if this means he gets a red eye and come straight off an all night flight into 2 hours of lego building, or a trip to the park, or whatever, then so be it - to be honest he wouldn't have it any other way. I'm very independent and so make my own plans for the week time, if he can join great if not I go alone and I love my space some evenings.

BUT - and this is a huge but - it works because he knows how hard it can be looking after two little ones (hmmm kind of changing now they are starting school ) and I do all the "work" in the house during the week so weekends any chores are split and fun eg we may food shop and cook but its for enjoyment. And it works because I know he has always had a huge respect for me both when I worked and now I don't.

You need to be clear with your DH how your life may or may not pan out - Spidookly has given some great suggestions. But make sure he talks about what does his life look like with career, without a career, what happens if he burns out, what happens if he wants to downsize once the kids arrive, what happens if someone says here's a wad of cash and a great job but its in Outer Mongolia?

Be very very honest with yourselves - its a big assumption but I'm guessing you are comfortable if not well off. If you stop work and you're down to one income, if he slows down and that income drops what does your life look like? We may have to work hard at family life and our relationship because of DH's career but we have a bloody good life as a result of it - thats our compromise ... what is your's and whats is his?

Good luck with discussing it with your DP

Imps,

That's quite alright.

Again, good luck with talking to him at the weekend. Do stand your ground with him and make your feelings crystal clear. His reaction will tell you all that you need to know.

I don't think you can imply (as some people have) from his committment to his career that he doesn't want a family. Plenty of people have the set-up where one of them is out of the house for 12+ hours a day in the week (or even stays away in the week), and it works for them. What you need to work out is what works for YOU, and it seems like you have different ideas of family life. That's not to say that one or the other is wrong, just different, and that's what you need to talk about. Hope it goes okay.

Someone else will have already said this but I wanted to stress the fact that you need to get this sorted out BEFORE you have children.

Having DCs is a strain on even the best of relationships. If you have not agreed how you want things to pan out, you need to have this conversation before TTC. Having children will test you in ways you could not imagine so you need to be in it together, as a couple. Adding a baby to a relationship has wonderful moments, but it also has those moments which take you both to the edge. Just make sure you are not at the edge before you start.

Alldown is right.

You don't have to have all your ducks lined up in a row before TTC, but you absolutely must both be on the same page about what the shared life you build will look like.