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Original poster

My OH just told me he thinks that his career is more important than family, and I'm gutted,

90 replies

Imps7 · 09/03/2011 19:10

I've been with OH for 11 years (we're both early 30s). Over the last 6 or 7 years he's become driven by money and doing well in his career. As it is I see him very very little during the week (he works 12 hours days, getting back at 9pm on a good day). At weekends and on holidays he's never without his laptop and Blackberry (e.g. I had to wonder around San Francisco by myself for 4 hours when we were there last March because he had to do a conference call back at the hotel).

At the New Year we decided to start TTC. I thought that this meant that his shift was finally moving from work towards having a family life. However, he has just told me that wants to accept an offer on a new job which pays more and is for a better company - but this job involves a daily 3.5 hour commute on top of his normal working hours.

I'm really upset. I can't imagine having a family where the dad is never around or where his focus is always on his job and not his wife/children. I always imagined my family to be a close and happy unit where everyone spends time together in the evening eating dinner and playing games/watching tv as a family, just as me and my mum, dad and sister did when I was growing up. I didn't sign up for being the only parent around.

I'm beyond gutted to realise that I'll never have the family life I've always dreamed of and am looking for some words of comfort and wisdom from anyone who may have been there, done that.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 09/03/2011 19:47

My friend has just split up from her DP of 9 years because he has told her that he will never get married and never had children.

They had only been living together a year, maybe less.

She's beyond furious that he let her believe that 'one day' they would marry and have children. He only agreed to move in together to pacify her, his words.

Which is worse? Go on and on not wanting the same things? Or, end it (as he has with my friend) to let her follow her desire to be married and have chidren.

FellatioNelson · 09/03/2011 19:49

Sorry - didn't see you've only recently moved.

AyeRobot · 09/03/2011 19:49

Sounds like you're both making quite a few assumptions about each other and your futures. You both need to have a proper conversation.

bran · 09/03/2011 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maxpower · 09/03/2011 19:52

Aside from children, how do you feel about the fact that he'll be out of the home even more if he takes the new job? Don't you want to spend time with him yourself? I know I wouldn't want to be married to someone who was never there.

Original poster
Imps7 · 09/03/2011 19:52

Mouseface - my sympathy to your friend, bless her that must have been a hard decision.

At least my OH does want children - it's just the circumstances in which he wants them that are the sticking point.

FellatioNelson (what a top name!!) - moving isn't really an option. New job is in London so property would be much more expensive if we moved nearer to there. Plus, it's not easy at all to find new jobs in my sector at the moment - so I really can't leave it. Plus I adore where we live - it's the most family-orientated community you could ever find! We're both very happy here, and this is a great place to raise a family. Plus I also love my house!

Oh dear, now I'm looking like the inflexible one aren't I? My OH thinks the same about moving though so at least we agree on one thing.

OP posts:
Katisha · 09/03/2011 19:54

Never mind any potential children never seeing him. It sounds as though YOU are never seeing him, even now.
Its very convenient to be a high flying man isn't it? No compromises to be made about your career, no balancing, no juggling.
I think you need to get him away from the Blackberry this weekend, go to a restaurant or somewhere and have a big conversation. Basically saying that you do not want to be effectively a single parent. You sound virtually single as it is.

AyeRobot · 09/03/2011 19:57

What's the division of labour at home like at the moment?

TryLikingClarity · 09/03/2011 19:58

Did he take the new job without consulting you first?

I wonder if he understands that fertility doesn't last forever and that he's delaying things on the sole account of his wishes.

Money and status are nothing in the long run, but I agree that there are many people out there who sadly don't see that.

bibbitybobbityhat · 09/03/2011 19:59

He's not worth it. Sorry.

bibbitybobbityhat · 09/03/2011 20:01

Listen to bran.

Workaholics are addicts, like any other addicts. Utterly, ruthlessly selfish. And boring and narrow-minded, and deeply tediously dull, I might add.

Original poster
Imps7 · 09/03/2011 20:04

Division of labour at home - his jobs are to 1) do the recycling and put the bins out; 2) clean the kitchen and the bathroom; 3) do the garden and 4) make coffee every morning! I do everything else that isn't on the list!

But, that said, I enjoy being a homemaker and I really enjoy cooking so being in charge of the housework doesn't bother me so much.

But I do miss seeing him and not being able to make any firm plans in the evenings - I can't tell you the number of mid-week dinners we've had with friends where he's either not been able to make it or has turned up during main course. This I find very upsetting and a bit lonely from time to time.

He really would be the perfect man if only he accepted that having a 9-6pm job and a lower salary is okay! (although I guess he would say that I would be the perfect woman if only I accepted that it's okay to aim high in your career...)

OP posts:
Katisha · 09/03/2011 20:06

I have to say that we don't conform to your fantasy of everyone watching tv together, having dinner and playing games. We both work - it just doesn't happen very often. Don't make an ideal responsible for your worries - it may not realistically be attainable anyway.

So I think you probably need not to focus on that as the source of your unhappiness but to get him to understand what his attitude means for you in terms of an absent parent, the assumption that your career can just be jettisoned, and the fact that he doesn't value his relationship with you, given that he is both physically and emotionally absent (blackberry etc...)

ShavingGodfreysPrivates · 09/03/2011 20:06

I can't imagine he will want to commute 3 1/2 hours every day (is that one way or both?!). I can see him deciding to travel down on a Monday and come back on a Friday. Not what I would want in a husband/father.

OTheHugeManatee · 09/03/2011 20:08

Lots of people (perhaps especially men, because they can. Are like this in early 30s: career just taking off, and no inclination to throttle back just yet. IMO this is why the 7 year age gap in relationships is fairly common: women start thinking seriously about families in their early 30s but ambitious men often don't until 39 or 40, because work opportunities are good and the biological clock is just less urgent if it's not your ovaries that are going to run out of steam in a decade or so.

If he's one of those men who won't be ready to participate in a hands-on way till he's older, and you're ready to start a family now, you have a brutal choice: have babies now and do the early years of childrearing pretty much on your own, and take his higher earning power as the payoff, or else go find someone else to have kids with.

Sad
expatinscotland · 09/03/2011 20:08

You're not even married to him and he is trying to tell you - instead of having the decency and courtesy to tell you in plain English - that he does not want a family because his actions are speaking louder than his words.

You've been together for 11 years and in your early 30s and this is the status quo. That speaks volumes.

He may or may not ever be the father you want and that your children deserve.

I would strongly suggest you find a good couples counsellor and start going NOW before TTC any further to work out exactly what the future of this relationship is.

Do yourself and any future children that great favour.

Nagoo · 09/03/2011 20:09

At least you know the deal. Plenty of people are happy with the SAHM arrangement where the man brings in the money and doesn't have to do anything else. You have to think about whether you can be happy with this. Presumably you will have the money to get a cleaner, and other help, and there's no body going to tell you you can't still work, if that is what yoou want.

It is better to know this now than be duped into thinking that you are going to get a 'hands-on' partner in your childrearing.

mamatomany · 09/03/2011 20:11

I can see him deciding to travel down on a Monday and come back on a Friday. Not what I would want in a husband/father.

I shall be doing that as of next month what a dreadful mother you'd think I am, but I'd be doing it for the families long term security and because I had to due to starting our family at 24, ie when we had no money.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2011 20:13

'He really would be the perfect man if only he accepted that having a 9-6pm job and a lower salary is okay!'

That's beside that point because that is what you want and that is not what he wants, at least not now.

And there is nothing wrong with what he wants anymmore than there is with what you want, it's just that you both need to work out if what you both want is compatible with being together long-term.

AyeRobot · 09/03/2011 20:16

You have to have your eyes wide open here. The chances of you being responsible for everything to do with the children and the house are approaching 100%. So, in order for you to continue working (and please, don't give that up if you love what you do), you should get a committment from him that you will outsource anything that can be outsourced.

And read the book "Wifework" before you make any decisions.

ShavingGodfreysPrivates · 09/03/2011 20:21

I shall be doing that as of next month what a dreadful mother you'd think I am

Nope. I don't know you so I have no idea what sort of mother you are.

I simply said that is not what I would want in a partner. No need to be defensive, it's your life not mine :)

spidookly · 09/03/2011 20:21

Why should he "accept" that what you want and he doesn't is OK?

Neither of you is wrong here.

Original poster
Imps7 · 09/03/2011 20:25

Spidookly - point accepted and agreed with.

Just sad to think that we have such a big area of incompatibility. It's so hard to know what to do. I'll speak to him properly at the weekend when he gets home from work trip.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/03/2011 20:28

Honestly, see a professional about this. You need someone totally objective and professionally-trained to help you two figure out what will suit both of you best.

HeartSkipsABeat · 09/03/2011 20:31

I'm with you here OP. You need a Very Big Talk with no distractions. It really depends if you want to take the risk - he might change... But what if he doesn't?

Either way you absolutely must not just brush this under the carpet or decide to wait a bit more indefinitely. This will only grow as an issue.