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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I have just discovered something about the man i am about to marry...

987 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:16

I have had reason to think that all is not as it seems lately and I have just checked my partners spare mobile phone and I have found that he has created an entry in the address book with my name on it and has put the contact number as the spare phone. He has been sending absolutely filthy messages to his own phone, but obviously as my name is in the address book it comes up as from me. The same messages are in the sent box and in box. He is sending them to himself. How the hell do i deal with this?

OP posts:

Report

piprabbit · 03/03/2011 00:19

Think you probably need to give us some more information.

Why were you checking his spare phone? Were you suspicious of his behaviour?

What do you think he is doing with the fake messages?

Do you feel you could simply ask him about the messages? Or will the fact you've been checking his phones become the issue?

vicbar · 03/03/2011 00:19

Why would he do that ? Is he showing them to mates ?
I think you need to ask him face to face and see what he says.

All very weird. Hope you get some answers.

DuelingFanjo · 03/03/2011 00:20

why do you think he would be doing this?

olivertulliver · 03/03/2011 00:20

Strange! Maybe this turns him on?

laosvher · 03/03/2011 00:21

Ask him about it
Could be some sort of fantasy he's living out? Showing off to his mates?

upsydaisy1974 · 03/03/2011 00:22

yes it is his own spare phone. I have no idea why he would want to do this. Definitely am sure it isn't to show his mates though.

OP posts:

Speckledeggy · 03/03/2011 00:22

|OMG, how worrying!

What's your gut instinct, OP?

Stac2011 · 03/03/2011 00:27

what made you check his phones?

tigerchilli · 03/03/2011 00:47

It quite honestly sounds like wank fodder. He would like you to talk (very) dirty to him so this is his way of fantasying.

Tis up to you how you feel about it and how you want to approach it.

lovenamechange100 · 03/03/2011 01:03

I would wait stay quiet and see if there is anything else you notice. Be strong and resist the urge togo wading in, it will give you time to think. Sorry you must feel really anxcious.

sakura · 03/03/2011 01:14

I actually find it quite disturbing.
Yes it's obviously wank fodder, but women like to believe that the man they're marrying loves them for who they are.
It often takes a fair few years of marriage before a woman looks into her partners eyes and realises he doesn't see her for who she is, that she is just an interchangeable "woman".
It reminds me of the men who get their partner to act out the porn they've seen. Any woman will do.

OP, it doesn't have to spell the end, obviously, but as I say, I would be disturbed by this. I would feel erased.

lovenamechange100 · 03/03/2011 01:30

Well if it is a wank folder, hehas tried to personlise it to his partner and not just randomly otherwise.

Sakura I think its sad that you think this is the case after a fair few years of marraige.

sakura · 03/03/2011 02:39

NO just being realistic. The amount of women who keep believing their partners is one person when he clearly behaves like another astounds me. What is sad is to see denial. The OP is not in denial at all. Quite rightly she is thinking WTF WTF . Plenty of other women would trivialise it as they have done on this thread.

sakura · 03/03/2011 02:40

their partner is

FreudianSlippery · 03/03/2011 06:29

It's definitely his other phone number? (ie it's not from another woman) have you double checked the number?

Weird...

I too would like to know why you felt the need to check his phone, what were you worried about?

It's probably harmless (if bizarre) - if you can't bring it up directly can you suggest some dirty talk/phone or text sex (in the interests of spicing things up) and see what he says?

TrinityIsABunnyMunchingRhino · 03/03/2011 06:39

thats quite sad sakura

what makes you think any woman would do?

I would say that because he has put her name on it its because she his who does it for him

I mean dp would never think any woman would do
its ME that turns him on
all of me

legoverlil · 03/03/2011 06:49

Looks like he wants to show off to his mates

controlpantsandgladrags · 03/03/2011 06:58

why does he have a spare mobile phone? I would find that quite suspicious in itself........I don't know anyone who keeps a spare.

Anabellesmumanddad · 03/03/2011 07:01

Heya OP. Does this worry you? Or do you think you could get into the dirty talk yourself?

If you could get into it, maybe let him know that you could save him the trouble..

Ciske · 03/03/2011 07:27

You should start writing him filthy messages from that phone and see how he reacts when suddenly a whole load come up that he didn't write himself. Let him sweat a while before telling him what you found.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 03/03/2011 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudianSlippery · 03/03/2011 07:34

Indeed, why does he have a spare phone in the first place?!

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IngridBergmann · 03/03/2011 07:35

Yes ask him. Anything else is fairly pointless.

Sorry you found this, it does sound really upsetting.

I haven't a clue why he is doing it and none of us have so you need to have a talk - not an argument, just a talk, and then decide if you want to go ahead with the wedding.

Don't be afraid to pull out, honestly - it happens all the time and isn't a sign of failure. Your folks will understand and far rather you left it now than got in any deeper with someone whose behaviour makes you very uncomfortable.

Good luck.

robberbutton · 03/03/2011 08:53

It is a bit strange, but relatively harmless imo. Dirty talk prob just turns him on but he's too shy to tell you. Like other posters, I think it's a good thing he's done it with your name OP, there's lots of other ways he could get his fix. I don't think it's a big deal.

What is a bigger deal is that you were checking his phone, and now talking to MN rather than your DP about what you found. Trust and communication are far bigger issues, and that's what would cause me to reassess getting married, not his fetishes, Iyswim.

madonnawhore · 03/03/2011 08:58

This sounds really, really weird. So he has a spare phone that he sends dirty messages to pretending to be you??

Are you sure they're not from another woman's number and she's just saved under your name? Or is it definitely your number?

It seems like extremely elaborate lengths to go to for a wank.

Flip

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