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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I leave my dh who worships me? (long - sorry!)

99 replies

krib · 21/10/2005 13:09

Am a new mumsnetter and need advice. This is so hard for me. I have fallen out of love with DH. He is a kind man & a good dad, but he is no longer the man for me. I stopped fancying him years ago. We don't have "chemistry" & both have very different senses of humour. When I look at him I feel a kind of motherly love for him as opposed to "husband & wife" love.I suppose I have stayed with him because he is not a bad man and it is just easy to stay. If he did bad things, it would be so much easier - I know that's an awful thing to say. We have been married for 8 years and together for 15vears. We have 2 young children of school age. I have tried to leave him twice before and it was so utterly painful the thought of doing it again terrifies me . The last time I tried to leave (then decided to stay because I was a coward) he said "I can't ever go through that again". I am so torn, I don't want to hurt him, but I feel I need a new life. He is the only man I have ever been with. HELP!

OP posts:
auntymandy · 21/10/2005 13:12

You have to be true to yourself! It will be ok. It will work out. It is so hard but you need to be strong. once you have decided you have to just go for it.

Original poster
krib · 21/10/2005 13:14

Have you been through this yourself, auntymandy? If so, what was it like (I know you're not going to say "a walk in the park"!) but I need to know (I am so scared).

OP posts:
Pagan · 21/10/2005 13:16

If it's definitely what you want then you'll have to grit your teeth and plough through. I left my first DH (eventually) by doing just that. Fortunately I had no kids to consider which makes a huge difference and he did make it easier by being a bit of an arse.

Why not have a holiday all to yourself first and collect your thoughts. What made you fall in love in the first place and is there any way you could talk it through

Big hugs

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 13:20

Yes I have.
It was easier for me because by the time I actually left I was with someone. That sounds really bad. I tried for years to make the marriage work. My ex was a good man but not the man for me. He wasnt very suportive of me and didnt do much with the children. I had 3 children and I felt I was letting them down. Thats why it took me so long. Plus ex was nasty about me leaving and made it very difficult. Then one day I just knew I had to go. then met my now DH and never looked back. cat me if you like

Original poster
krib · 21/10/2005 13:22

Hi Pagan, he was my first boyfriend and it was so exciting to be with someone and have a relationship. I thought he was sweet & kind but looking back there was never really that "corrrrr" factor! I just stayed and never thought of leaving because I felt it was wrong (I've had a strict upbringing, my parents are still together after 30 odd years so I suppose I was taking a leaf out of their books). I know this sounds really pathetic and I guess I've been so weak - I hate myself for that, having let it go on for so long & .

OP posts:
cupcakes · 21/10/2005 13:22

maybe it would be easier for him to comprehend if you took things one stage at a time. For example, tell him how unhappy you are and attempt some marriage counselling with him.
Even if you do still leave it will be a lot easier for him to come to terms with if he knows you both gave the relationship every opportunity to work.

Original poster
krib · 21/10/2005 13:24

Thanks auntymandy. I know cupcakes, we've spoken about going to Relate before (when I told him I wanted to separate) but neither of us gets off our a..e and does anything about it. We just kind of plod along & hope for the best.

OP posts:
Pagan · 21/10/2005 13:26

That's a good idea from Cupcakes. I did this with my ex. I had to go through all the stages to give it all the chances so with each passing stage it was a step closer to the goal, if that makes sense. I suggested going to Relate and he finally agreed but in the end I went myself and he didn't so that summed up how much he valued our marriage so made it easier for me to make the final cut. Believe me, once I'd stepped over that line there was no going back and I found an inner strength to see me through.

cupcakes · 21/10/2005 13:29

Here is the Relate website.

I think to be fair to him (as he is a decent man) you ought to at least go through the motions of trying to save your marriage. After all he has given you a lot of his life.

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 13:31

is it cruel giving him false hope?
If you are sure and he knows its been on your mind for a while you just have to be strong and do it

Original poster
krib · 21/10/2005 13:31

Thanks cupcakes , that's good advice -you have a way with words.....I'm in tears, this is so bloody painful.

OP posts:
beansprout · 21/10/2005 13:34

Why do you want to leave? Is it to go and look for "corrrr"? Could the grass be greener?

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 13:34

Even though it is what you want it will hurt! People will blame you and you may loose his family..I did and i was close to his brother, its sad. My mum is still friends with him and he often calls to see her. You need to be straight with him. you owe him honesty. Dont give him false hope if there is no hope

Original poster
krib · 21/10/2005 13:40

Auntymandy, do you think then that I should or shouldn't go to Relate?
Beansprout, it's not just a case of wondering what it's like in the next field. It's the fact that we have no chemistry. I don't fancy him. If we're apart for a few days I don't miss him. He doesn't get things which I find funny and vice versa.

OP posts:
beansprout · 21/10/2005 13:46

I understand that but I'm not sure what is so bad that you have to break his heart (if he worships you) and those of your children. There is so much pain in the offing here for everyone concerned. Sorry, I just don't get it.

beansprout · 21/10/2005 13:47

Relate does sound like a good idea though. I don't think you really want to do this, but you are clearly not happy as you are. That's fair enough. I genuinely hope they can help you.

Original poster
krib · 21/10/2005 13:51

Beansprout, if you've never been there it's not easy to understand. But why should I "make do"? I'm not fulfilled. The pain I will cause will be horrendous but by living as I am , I am putting myself through pain aswell - do you see where I'm coming from?

OP posts:
beansprout · 21/10/2005 13:55

I think so, but dh has a dd by a previous relationship and my brother has just left his second wife and daughter. The consequences of these separations have gone on for years and are awful. And of course, every time, everyone set out to ensure that the children were affected as little as possible. I just feel you have to have really good reasons for doing this.

You going through pain as well will not lessen your children's pain.

It's up to you, hey, I'm just some bod on the internet, but you did post on a talkboard and I'm just replying. Best wishes for whatever you do next.

Helsbels · 21/10/2005 13:57

I know exactly what you mean - I could have written this thread - am even contemplating affair with ex who does think same things funny (more important then sex IMO)We (DH and I) are out tonight - I know we will eat, drink, go home and go to sleep - I think though that when you have kids you don't judge on a level playing field. My DH is a wonderful man - good husband kind, thoughful, marvellous father we have been together ten years and all of a sudden my friends are telling me they have never been able to 'read' him -, he always sits on the fence anything for a quiet life- he won't argue. He is lovely but he is with the wrong woman.

bonym · 21/10/2005 13:59

krib - a very good friend of mine was in a very similar situation. she knew she wasn't happy although he was not a bad man and didn''t do bad things. She said he was her best friend and she loved him but she wasn't in love with him. They tried Relate, she ended up in hospital with depression (which she is thankfully now over), they limped along for bit longer. She said she was leaving, he talked her out of it, she ended up having an affair before she finally left her dh (she is still with the other man). Things are now very bitter between them because of how things ended up. I would say that if you have made up your mind, leave now before things get too bad between you (as they undoubtedly will if you just carry on as things are).

However, if you are going to leave you must be really strong and follow it through. Another way to look at it is that if he is a good man then surely he deserves to be with someone who loves him as much as he loves them. You are not that person and are therefore not doing him any favours by staying. He would surely be much happier with a partner who loves and fancies him - you have to give him the opportunity to find that person. I know it's a cliche but life really is too short to spend it with the wrong person.

Good luck.

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:03

If you want the marriage to work go to relate to try mend it. If there is no way you want it mended then what is the point of letting him think you do. that is cruel in my eyes. You will get lots of people saying you a wrong to break his heart and upset the children. But you are a person too. You need to live a life. and the children will be better with a happy mummy. Believe me i know exactly where you are coming from. Its very hard to go but it would be even worse to stay once you have decided. I tried and tried. I felt trapped. I lived a lie.

cupcakes · 21/10/2005 14:03

But what about the children?

Would you be so supportive if it was a man leaving his wife because he didn't fancy her?

bonym · 21/10/2005 14:03

Should also add that I was married to the "wrong" man and we have a beautiful 7 year old daughter together. I finally got up the courage to leave (which I think was ultimately a relief to us both although it wasn't easy).

I am now married to, most definitely, the "right" man - have never been happier and Dd1 loves him to bits as well (as does he her). I knew I didn't want to waste my life and am so glad that I had the courage to cut my losses and leave.

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:04

bonym that is so true. I wanted my ex to be happy. How could he be with a women who didnt love him?

Original poster
krib · 21/10/2005 14:05

Beansprout, thanks for your comments - I wasn't being stroppy with you, honest! Boneym, You're absolutely right, of course he deserves that. I really am so weak, there is always something that comes up to stop me (Xmas, business trip etc.) I do really need to be strong, but Im thinking maybe Relate will help.... I am just really ,really confused.

OP posts:
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