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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I leave my dh who worships me? (long - sorry!)

99 replies

krib · 21/10/2005 13:09

Am a new mumsnetter and need advice. This is so hard for me. I have fallen out of love with DH. He is a kind man & a good dad, but he is no longer the man for me. I stopped fancying him years ago. We don't have "chemistry" & both have very different senses of humour. When I look at him I feel a kind of motherly love for him as opposed to "husband & wife" love.I suppose I have stayed with him because he is not a bad man and it is just easy to stay. If he did bad things, it would be so much easier - I know that's an awful thing to say. We have been married for 8 years and together for 15vears. We have 2 young children of school age. I have tried to leave him twice before and it was so utterly painful the thought of doing it again terrifies me . The last time I tried to leave (then decided to stay because I was a coward) he said "I can't ever go through that again". I am so torn, I don't want to hurt him, but I feel I need a new life. He is the only man I have ever been with. HELP!

OP posts:

Helsbels · 21/10/2005 14:05

cupcakes, it's not just about not fancying them - although I don't fancy DH and do fancy my ex - it's more about a meeting of minds. Have just posted on another thread that I am hoping if DH and I can improve sex life (he has very limited experience) we may be happier but know in my heart that it is much more than that that is wrong

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:05

tell the children the truth. It wont be a picnic. But you need to be true to yourself

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:07

Krib..Do you want to spend the rest of YOUR life as you are?

cupcakes · 21/10/2005 14:08

krib, even if you're convinced that you will leave you might want to consider speaking to someone at Relate. From what I understand they don't just try to reconcile couples but also help with the process of spliting up and may be able to suggest a good way of breaking the news to him.

Original poster

krib · 21/10/2005 14:09

Helsbels, you're right - it goes much deeper. I sometimes think that if I really fancied him and was readily up for sex, everything would be OK.... but it's not just that. It is the connection thing which is so important.

OP posts:

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:09

you can go to mediation.
That helps with the finacial stuff and the children etc.

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:10

I remember seeing my ex cry over something and I couldnt comfort him. I felt nothing. that was so sad. I knew I was wrong

Original poster

krib · 21/10/2005 14:11

Auntymandy, no , I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. And I need to give HIM the chance to find someone who is more "right" for him.

OP posts:

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:11

how oldare the children?

Original poster

krib · 21/10/2005 14:12

5 and 7. Oh no, the tears are flowing again...

OP posts:

koalabear · 21/10/2005 14:12

will i post ... wont i post ...

hmmm, you are MARRIED to this guy - promises and all that - better for worse, good times and in bad, when i don't fancy you and when you smell, etc etc etc - at least give him the chance

organise to go to Relate and actually do it - if after you've been, you decide to go your separate ways, at least you will know you have be fair to everyone

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:17

she has given him a chance.
If you really know its wrong then no ammount of talking will change that. I know what you are feeling. Go before you do stupid things to make you 'happy' The older the children are the harder it is. You will get negatives from people that havnt gone through this. You need to decide. Do you want to work it out?

Helsbels · 21/10/2005 14:20

I think all these people are right - I think it deserves a chance at Relate - or talking or whatever but if you are anything like me - you've tried talking and they listen but they don't hear - I'm told I'm a good communicator - hell - I even practise spiritual counselling but there are none so blind as those that won't see. I think we've probably gone a bit too far to be able to see any way back, krib. Perhaps it is us that is blind and help is there if we are prepared to accept it. We loved these men enough to marry them even tho' as you said looking back it may have been the wrong decision. I have two kids 4 and 1. Leaving at the moment is not an option .

Original poster

krib · 21/10/2005 14:22

I don't think I do - if I did I wouldn't be typing this... I'd be there at Relate right now. It's terrifying. Think I might CAT you at some point, auntymandy, if that's OK.

OP posts:

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:22

Did you love them when you married them? I sometimes think it was just the right time! I wanted to be married and have children. there was lust but it was short lived.
Follow your heart.

Original poster

krib · 21/10/2005 14:23

What do you think you'll do Helsbels?

OP posts:

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:23

was just about to cat you!
I am away mext week. I am supporting you. I know how it is. I was married for 15 years when we split.

koalabear · 21/10/2005 14:24

aunty mandy - how do you know that people who provide the "try to work it through message" have not been through it?

why are you so obviously pushing krib to leave without further ado?

this is a big decision - krib herself has said "this is so hard [for me]"

surely anything to help make her decisions easier is a good thing

Relate can help you leave well, as well as stay well, depending upon what is best for her

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:25

I remarried 2.5 years ago and ex is remarrying next year. Life goes on. I have 2 more children with DH. the children from my 1st marriage see their Dad whenever they want to. He is welcome in our house. I am proud of how they coped.

Helsbels · 21/10/2005 14:26

dunno. Have been seeing my ex for a drink now and then and it makes me so happy - he texts me and so on. Just lost my dad last week so in a bit of a mess over that too. So hard. Look at the kids and love them so much. Look at DH and love him really 'cos he is such a lovely, lovely man. He'd never hurt me and it would break his heart if I left (and I'm not being big headed - He does really love me) but don't have to explain to you - it just isn't there. Also, was married before (no kids) and am worried I'm just a serial divorcee who'll never be happy. Also, someone I care a lot about told me once that to expect everything in one package is selfish and unrealistic x

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:27

I am not pushing her to leave. I am saying if this is what she wants then do it. I read her first post saying she has tried to make it work. I recognise so much.
There is no point giving false hope if there is no hope. This would be so cruel...I did it!

cupcakes · 21/10/2005 14:28

tbh, I think leaving is the easiest option for now, but longterm it won't necessarily be the solution.
If he's done nothing wrong and loves you I really think you should try and work on it.
This is obviously going to be a discussion with two sides and people will probably get heated as any opposing opinion will seem like a criticism of the other. For what it's worth I am (currently) happily married and so am advising from that point of view. But that does not mean that I have always been happy with him or have not despaired over our incompatibility.
There will always be low points but that does not automatically mean that things cannot improve.

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:29

Krib..you must make your own mind up. sorry if I appear to be pushing you to leave.

pinkmama · 21/10/2005 14:29

My mum married the wrong man 39 years ago. She had 3 children with him. My memories of my childhood are of her being unhappy. They tried splitting up a few times, got back together but it always ended up the same. Amazingly they are still together, both admit its because they dont know what else to do. My mum is a very sad and bitter person, and she admits that. She feels she wasted her life. I honestly dont think any of us benefitted from them being together, in fact I suspect it taught us some unhealthy things about relationships.

no i dont think you should walk out of a marriage lightly, and it will undoubtably effect your kids in some way. But they will get through it. As we know, you only have one life. I couldnt bear to be in my mums position. I think the way we live our lives is important to our kids as their role models. An unbnroken home is not the only positiuve wa to raise kids.

Good luckx

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:29

OMG...leaving the easy option!!!!

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