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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I leave my dh who worships me? (long - sorry!)

99 replies

krib · 21/10/2005 13:09

Am a new mumsnetter and need advice. This is so hard for me. I have fallen out of love with DH. He is a kind man & a good dad, but he is no longer the man for me. I stopped fancying him years ago. We don't have "chemistry" & both have very different senses of humour. When I look at him I feel a kind of motherly love for him as opposed to "husband & wife" love.I suppose I have stayed with him because he is not a bad man and it is just easy to stay. If he did bad things, it would be so much easier - I know that's an awful thing to say. We have been married for 8 years and together for 15vears. We have 2 young children of school age. I have tried to leave him twice before and it was so utterly painful the thought of doing it again terrifies me . The last time I tried to leave (then decided to stay because I was a coward) he said "I can't ever go through that again". I am so torn, I don't want to hurt him, but I feel I need a new life. He is the only man I have ever been with. HELP!

OP posts:
Original poster
krib · 21/10/2005 14:31

There has to be a good foundation in the 1st place, though cupcakes. If the relationship is mostly one-sided , it's not fair to continue. Helbels, cat me if you want to!

OP posts:
Helsbels · 21/10/2005 14:32

leaving can be an easy option if you have a row and walk out or heat of the moment thing but after 2 years contemplating it is a very hard option. You hate yourself every day for not feeling how you should - its a downward spiral and you make it worse yourself but it still hurts. I wanted to leave my first husband but it was still a hard option leaving him crying on the floor

cupcakes · 21/10/2005 14:34

I really don't want to argue about this but leaving does seem easier.
Staying in the marriage, accepting its faults and working to make it strong is an effort.
To give up and walk away does seem like the easier, quicker option. I am not saying that the process of leaving is easy.
I didn't expect you to agree with me though.

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:34

Its not an easy option. the easiest option is to go on pretending

Original poster
krib · 21/10/2005 14:34

Helbels forgot to say, I've been told the package thingie too. But why is it unrealistic? Why can't we have everything - many of my friends have! My dad once told me that I am a bit of a romantic as if it were an insult. This is life, we're here to make the most of it!

OP posts:
ninah · 21/10/2005 14:34

relate help with break ups as well as staying together and offer mediation. They may be able to help you find the strength to leave and the wisdom to do it kindly.

cupcakes · 21/10/2005 14:35

that was replying to auntymandy's "OMG!", not Helsbels.

Helsbels · 21/10/2005 14:35

cupcakes you are right. But you can only stay so long and give so much of your life over to it. There comes a time when you just have to make a decision. Krib - will cat you next week maybe? If that's ok

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:36

I hate the fact I failed. that will never go away. Dont tell me what i did was easy.
Taking 3 children away from their Dad was easy? Leaving my husband broken was easy? Watching him look ill and sad for months was easy?

cupcakes · 21/10/2005 14:36

I think krib knows what she wants to do. And good luck to her.
I only wanted to put an alternative out there if she was doubtful.
Two sides to consider, and all that.

Original poster
krib · 21/10/2005 14:37

Yes, no problem helsbels.
I'm glad to hear different points of view.... but I'm still confused!

OP posts:
auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:38

You have know idea what it is like unless you have gone through it. Its not something you do lightly. you dont wake up one mornng and think 'right lets f up someones life'

Helsbels · 21/10/2005 14:40

the trouble is the more people you ask the more valid opinions you get!! You have to make your own mind up so do I but it doesn't make it any easier. It would be better if someone just said 'do this - it will all be ok - guaranteed'. But they won't will they?

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:42

when it is really over in your heart you will not have to ask anyone. You will find the strength and be prepared to live in a tent.

Original poster
krib · 21/10/2005 14:43

Yes helsbels, I need a guardian angel/psychic to tell me what to do! auntymandy, you're right - pretending is the easiest option.

OP posts:
Helsbels · 21/10/2005 14:44

that made me chuckle aunty cos I slept in my car for two weeks after leaving DH number 1

bonym · 21/10/2005 14:44

Agree fully with auntymandy - leaving is never the easy option, especially when children are involved. Staying is the easy option. However, krib has said that she has already tried to leave twice - this is obviously something she has thought about for a long time. Hardly a spur of the moment decision.

Children are very astute - they will almost always know if mummy and daddy aren't happy and this can adversely affect them. Anyway, what sort of example is it to your children if you stay in a situation that is making you miserable? As I said before - in my friend's situation, her unhappiness in the marriage led to her depression. Staying, and trying to make it work (when she knew in her heart of hearts that it wouldn't work) just made everything much worse. The whole family went through a couple of very unhappy years which could have been avoided if she had left earlier.

cupcakes · 21/10/2005 14:45

auntymandy - I apologise if I upset you.

I should have written that in my marriage, when I almost left it was the easy option for me.

I apologise if my comment made assumptions about other people's relationships.

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:49

cupcake you did not upset me as such. But i can assure you it was the hardest thing to do. Even now remarried and so happy. If my older children seem off I wonder if its all my fault. i am sure they are typical teenagers but i blame myself. My eldest son is very down on relationships. I left his Dad then his Grandpa..my Dad, died. He thinks relationships are a waste of time because they all end sometime. I feel really sad about that. I blame myself

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 14:50

Good luck. I have to go now as I need to change a nappy and do the school run. Need to pack too for hols tomorrow. Done 4 of us just 3 more to do!

Original poster
krib · 21/10/2005 14:52

thanks auntymandy, off on school run too . Will CAT you prob the week after next, and you helsbels. xx

OP posts:
auntymandy · 21/10/2005 16:20

just got in and thought i would see how the thread continued, but see it hasnt.
Take care. Take time to think and time for yourself.

cupcakes · 21/10/2005 16:25

Krib - I was thinking, can you get some real time to yourself, a night or 2 away, on your own? To give you some space and some thinking time.

bebejam · 21/10/2005 17:44

I wasn't sure whether to post or not...as it might not be at all relevant, but the thread made me think of a work colleague of mine who was in a really similar situation about four years ago.

She left her husband of 8 or 9 years and dad to two girls. Wasn't feeling the "corrrrr" factor, only man she'd been with, wasn't feeling "fufilled"...ect.

She said she loved him in a maternal way, and knew he was a really good guy and dad, but felt she would be happier and fufilled with someone who made her feel the sparks again.

fast forward four years.... she is finding that there are not as many dashing/romantic/exciting handsome/witty/stable mid-thirty year old men interested in a thirty year old woman with two kids and baggage as she had imagined.

The "available" guys who she's dated initially look like they will provide that "corrr factor", as you put it, have later turned out to have been married (and just looking for some on the side), or really financially unstable (and hoping she would be a bit of a meal ticket) or just plain flaky jerks.

or... friends would match her up with guys who were really nice and kind and good with kids, but who were struggling and broken inside because their wives had left them looking for something or someone else more exciting. These guys were usually obviously still not over their last relationship, but were out there dating because friends and family said they should be.

she is now currently involved with a guy who is married, he hasn't been completely honest about a lot of things- and she knows he isn't a prince but seems to be with him just to stave off boredom.

Is she more fufilled now than she was before? I haven't asked. Maybe she is. At least she has "the hope" that there is a guy out there she will meet who will meet all her needs... maybe just having the opportunity to have that hope is better than what she had before.

sorry for the ramble- my point is that to her "feeling fufilled" meant finding someone new who had all these fantastic qualities and made her knees weak.. and finding that just hasn't been as easy as she thought (and she is a very attractive blonde with great tits to boot..)

just think it all through before you do something that can't be undone. I hope it all works out for you...

auntymandy · 21/10/2005 17:47

I dont think its about meeting someone else. I was lucky I did. but didnt want to leave to find another man. I was in my 30's with 3 children and met a man that 'took me on'