How do I leave my dh who worships me? (long - sorry!)

[krib]

Am a new mumsnetter and need advice. This is so hard for me. I have fallen out of love with DH. He is a kind man & a good dad, but he is no longer the man for me. I stopped fancying him years ago. We don't have "chemistry" & both have very different senses of humour. When I look at him I feel a kind of motherly love for him as opposed to "husband & wife" love.I suppose I have stayed with him because he is not a bad man and it is just easy to stay. If he did bad things, it would be so much easier - I know that's an awful thing to say. We have been married for 8 years and together for 15vears. We have 2 young children of school age. I have tried to leave him twice before and it was so utterly painful the thought of doing it again terrifies me . The last time I tried to leave (then decided to stay because I was a coward) he said "I can't ever go through that again". I am so torn, I don't want to hurt him, but I feel I need a new life. He is the only man I have ever been with. HELP!

Are you sure this isn't just realising that marriage isn't always the romantic/phwoarr feeling that you first had? All marriages go through this, but, tbh, it's incredibly selfish to put your dh and your children through a divorce because you aren't feeling fulfilled romantically anymore. We all have moments when we'd love to go back to the thrilling feelings we had for our partners when it was love's young dream, but familiarity and marriage don't allow that to last forever.

Could you not build on what you have to make something better and more solid? The sky-high feelings and sexual excitement of the first few months/years are pretty flimsy things and I think we are conned by books and films into thinking that life can be like this forever and it just isn't.

Perhaps this is a case of counting your blessings before you throw them all away.

now where has anyone said its just that. Credit me at least with a bit more sensibility. You are making out that women that leave their husbands are just seeking fireworks in the bedroom, its so not true.
We as humans are worth the best, we deserve happiness, just because we become wives and mothers doesnt mean we have to put up with it.
You are lucky that you still have a good marriage. but some people make mistakes. i am not proud of what i did. I tried so hard because i didnt want to hurt him or the children and i didnt think I was worth it.

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread. I was replying to the original poster.

I know you werent meaning me in paticular. Krib has said she tried. Doesnt her DH deserve to be loved too?

As I said, I haven't read the whole thread. I was replying to the original post. This implied that the poster wanted out of her marriage because she didn't fancy her dh anymore and that their marriage didn't have that "zing".

maybe because i have been there, I read more into it than that?

why dont you consider going to councouling on your own, it may help you establish what you do want and look at things differently, and the person will help you hopefully reach some kind of answers
best wishes x

First, I haven't read the entire thread.

I don't think you should force yourself to stay in a loveless marriage. But, I will say this - do you really want to be single? How would you feel if you didn't meet a new partner for a long time? Again, not a reason to stay with someone you're unhappy with, but let me tell you that it's not so easy to meet potential new partners if you've got children. You tend not to be out and about when the available men are out and about, iyswim.

I also think you shouldn't underestimate the value of having a solid, dependable, trustworthy, loving dh who adores you. I say this as someone who has been without a partner for 7 years, and who would love to be in a relationship.....

I personally found it much lonelier being in a marriage with a man I didn't love than being on my own. I was 3 years on my own with dd and have very happy memories of that time - one of the happiest times of my life in fact.

My SIL in in teh same situations as Bebejam's friend. She is on her own with 5 kids looking for Mr Wonderful who will be more exciting than her Ex.

She wanted a new life but discovered that its pretty hard with 5 kids. She was a SAHM befroe and now she still is - except she is on benefit. Her youngest is under 2. How can she afford to work and pay childcare for 5 kids? She lives out in the country so there are not so many jobs or things to do. Its difficult and expensive to get a babysitter for 5 kids, plus the cost of a taxi for nights out.

She wants to go out and party like she did when she was 18. But most 18 years old dont want to go out clubbing with a 30 something mum of 5.

I think sometimes it's possible to rekindle those feelings, we lose them over time. I've seen some great things happen with the right counselling and advice. I'm a great believer in keeping families together (not always possible I know).
I have felt like this lots over the years, I met my hubby when I was 15 and we have been together for 23 years now and married for 14 years next month, it's hard sometimes but we seem to muddle through together.
Sarah x

krib, for what it's worth, I think that you need to concentrate on why you are feeling this way. I would recommend going to some councelling on your own. Not neccessarily to talk about your marriage, but to talk about yourself and what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. It is very difficult when you have been in a relationship for a very long time to imagine how things might be if you were not (especially if like me you started your relationship young, and haven't ever been truly on your own). Also whatever decision you make you are not in a good place right now, and from what you have said, if you did walk out it would be very difficult. So you need to make sure you are coming from a strong place.

The one thing I would say to you is that you should never try the line that by leaving you will help your dh. My dh tried that when he was having his affair, and it was a completely hurtful selfish thing to say. It may be that in the long term it is the right thing for both of you. It may be that you will both find someone new, that your children will be happy and that it will all work out fine. Or it may be that you, your children and your dh will all feel sad about this for many many years to come. Or a mixture of the two. The trouble is that there is no way you can tell. You are not entirely responsible for your dh, and you need to stop feeling "over responsible" and motherly to him (it's probably not helpful regardless of whether you go or stay, as it's not a very adult to adult way to interact, although it is very common!). On the other hand you need to treat him fairly, and not lead him on. And you need to be true to yourself too.

What you mustn't do is leave half heartedly. You need to start to think about things very realistically, and give yourself a plan. So think things through. Try councelling to make yourself strong, and to be really sure about whatever decision you take. Think about the logistics, where would you live, how would childcare work out, what financial arrangements can you make etc. Once you have thought things through, and have some solutions, then talk to your dh. You may find Relate will help you to do this talking (they do provide sessions for those seeking to break up "well").

Good luck, and make the right decision. Only you will know what that decison is, but try to make absolutely sure that it will be one you can live with (you may find it helps to think about how you might talk it through with your children when they are grown up - ie in 10/15 yrs time).

Krib, I haven't read the whole of this thread and wish I had the time to respond to this at length. However, in brief, try Relate (which may take more time than you realise), try to sort it out together and if it can't be fixed, & you still know you don't love him, leave. Don't give him false hopes. It is a very cruel thing to do (however unintentionally) keeping someone hanging on, wondering what they have done wrong, what they can do to make it better etc., etc., Be honest with yourself and your husband. If you are happy your children will be happy. Good luck.

I think some people seem to be missing the point. It is not just the "corrrr" factor that is missing. If you read some of my earlier postings, it's also the fact there is no chemistry, we laugh at different things, he doesn't "get" things that I get & vice-versa. I don't enjoy sex with him, it's a chore. I have tried leaving twice and caved in as dh begged me to stay. Do people think I've just woken up one morning and thought "hell, it would be really fun if I left"?!! I am still with him because it is convenient. Do people really think I really want to move house & disrupt my kids' lives just on a whim? I have felt like this for several years, why should I stay with a man for convenience?

me back again. Had a bad weekend really. Tried taling to DH suggested relate - he said he did not want to go - spoke to a councillor on my own yesterday (we have a scheme thru work) very helpful. Bought up all sorts of things in just an hour that I would never have thought of. Suggested a night or two away on my own to think. Spoke to DH again last night and told him I had spoken to councillor - he was quite upset that I had (which I could not understand)I said I wanted to work on the marriage he just said that I was obviously staying until kids old enough to understand. worse off now than before trying to talk to him in a ot of ways - he was very cold this morning. Think I should have said nothing and just kept muddling along.

Hi helbels., tried to CAT you and it didn't allow it - can you CAT me or change your profile,. would love to get in touch with you "off air". Poor you, I can understand what you are going through. My dh reacted like that the 1st time I said I was unhappy. What would you do in an ideal world? Do you truly want to work it out, or will you be postponing the inevitable like me? Thinking of you x

wow krib, i think me and you are twins or something, apart from the fact your married and have been together alot longer than me and my dp and the you have two children and we only have one whos 4 mths old. ok so were not that similar but it sounded good,

i know how you feel, only i keep changing my mind if im in love with him or not. hes not a bad fella really but he is quite selfish and too imature for me i think. since i had our ds i have felt different like the need to be free again and to live my own life, i think my life would actually be easier without him and less stressful. but then sometimes i still feel attracted to him and think maybe i am still in love and then others i have a need to be single again we have only been together 3 yrs and already things don't always seem right. but like you say its easier to stay with them coz of the pain it would cause. and for the childrens sake aswell.

but people ive spoke to say that you shouldn't stay somewhere your not happy just for the children coz if they've got an unhappy mum then there're life won't be the best it could be anyway. and if your not happy then you should go, if you really know the love is not there then maybe its time to end it for real this time. it will be hard coz you've benn apart of each other for so long but somethings just die out and can never be regained. have you tried any marriage conselling to try get the old feelings back or do you think its past that.

well i hope ive been of some help to you and hope things work out for you the way you want them too.

thanks matthewsmummy, I think it is past rekindling old feelings. I literally have fallen out of love with him. I am still very confused and am unable to leave for a while (due to various complex reasons), so I really hope I can get my head together during that time. But I think I know what I need to do....

Helbels, how's your week been so far? Any more news

will try to cat you Krib. Week up and down so far !! DH has completely ignored our conversation and is just going on as normal! Think I imagined the whole speech and am obviously going mad. HOw are you?

Helsbels, please could you CAT me?

(We're in a similar situation, that's why.)

Hi droile, feel free to CAT me too! Am still playing the great pretender, and it's horrible. I hate it but I can't bring myself to leave him before Xmas. I feel constantly sick and can't concentrate on anything. I keep thinking about the kids as they're so close to their dad - it will be so horrendous. But I can't keep living like this, pretending all is OK when it's not .

sorry to hear your still confused kirb, and are still in this situation. i really hope you work out what you want to do soon and then you can be happy again. i know its hard when you've got children but like i said you shouldn't just stay for them coz if their mums not happy then they won't be either. the longer you put it off the harder its gonna get to go through with it. i know you feel like your being the bad one but at the end off the day im sure in the end he's gonna realise things aren't right and then he may become unhappy and then the children will really suffer. i know its easier for me to say but i really think it will work out in the end, it will be hard at first but he'll get better with the idea when he really sees its what you want.