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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

Oh my god, we are so screwed.

91 replies

FrightfullyPoshFloss · 20/10/2005 23:31

I knew Dp owed money. He has his debts and he is paying them. A whole £15,000, with no mortgage, no car, and no time at uni. But, have just been told today, that he also still has money on credit cards and also another loan for 7,000. I've been looking into getting a mortgage which is how all this has come out. How the fuck has he managed to screw this up so badly? How the hell are we going to overcome it?

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marthamoo · 20/10/2005 23:34

Oh Lordy, Floss - am no expert, but you poor thing, what a horrible shock. I hope someone with some useful knowledge comes along soon.

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QueenVictoria · 20/10/2005 23:34

Sorry, Floss. I have no advice but didnt want to read and run. What is he spending money on, do you know?

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Blu · 20/10/2005 23:37

Do you ever get the urge to slap your man, Floss? How could he let you get this far thinking about it without telling you the truth?

Anyway, that's not at all helpful, so...how do 110% mortgages work, i wonder? you MAY be able to get some kind of mortgae that pays off the whole lot as well as the house loan, but it would obviously affect the amount available for the house.

has he been for debt advice? You can get an agreement and pay it all off regularly in small amounts, and then tell the lending co that that is your regular outlay on debts.

Is DH's credit status affected??

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JoolsToo · 20/10/2005 23:37

Money is so readily loaned these days - its appalling, so many people in debt.

Good luck sorting it out floss.

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marthamoo · 20/10/2005 23:39

Agree Jools - it's too easy to get in debt. Fwiw, my brother was...gulp...28K in debt, and he is now semi-sorted. Still in it for the long haul, mind, but he has a job, and somewhere to live and he's working on it. Scary.

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edam · 20/10/2005 23:42

Have you been to see the Citizen's Advice Bureau? Free expert and unbiased advice on debt management.

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HRHQoQ · 20/10/2005 23:42

God you poor thing - what a shock that must have been. To answer your first question.....haven't got a clue. The 2nd one - well we're not there yet (as you well know ) but we will overcome our debts (in total more than your DP's - and that's not even including the mortgage) - as will you.

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FrightfullyPoshFloss · 20/10/2005 23:47

I think he still has a good credit rating. He does pay his money. He swears blind he told me. I will readily admit I was pregnant and we all know memory loss is attributable, but not to this extent. I remember him telling me when DS was on the way that he had re jigged his loan so he could pay less each month. I swear he did not tell me about the 'new' loan. He was supposed to consolidate all his debts when he first moved here 2.5 yrs ago. Only he enjoyed having the money in his account too much it would seem. I can't understand how he has got into 7 grands worth of debt in a year though.

The fact that he has money on his credit cards he is trying to blame on me, for the fact that I have not been earning as much as we were planning I could be (working ad hoc, its just not been there), and he has had to pay some bills. I mean, one council tax bills, and one, maybe two electric bills. And he gave me £100 once. That is all the help I have had from him on things I am supposed to pay since I left work on maternity leave a year ago.

He just can't take responsibility for his spending. Like, he thinks me asking him to pay these things is unreasonable because it gets him into more debt, but if he actually re -adjusted his spending according to the extra he had coming out, it shouldn't need to be a problem. He has too much of the 'fuck it, worry about it later' attitdue, but it is adversely affecting me and DS now and that is not fair and he has to change.

We have been looking into £125% mortgages, Norther rock especially, which offers £30,000 towards a deposit, home improvements, debt consolidation. But with the deposit we need, plus his debts, and my 3.5 grands worth of university debt (well 2 grand of that it, the other lot is from having to move while I was still on mat leave), it just won't cover it. Thats just so shocking.

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hunkerpumpkin · 20/10/2005 23:50

Floss, what a horrible shock

What you need to do is pin down exactly how much debt he is in and to whom. How much is on credit cards - they are the ones with the biggest interest rates (assuming his loans are from reputable financial organisations).

Also you need to make sure that he can't spend more money.

Have you spoken to him about this? I would be tempted to rip his arms off and hit him with the soggy ends, but there's no point (I've been in a similar situation, btw - doesn't matter how loudly you rant at the person who's run up the bills, the amount you owe doesn't get smaller ).

There is no point trying to work out who's to blame, honestly. The debts don't get smaller if you work out whose they are

You need some professional advice though - can you speak to a financial advisor at the bank?

I know how frustrating and draining it is to be in debt - we still are, and have no disposable income to speak of, but we're very, very slowly clawing our way back up. It can be done - honestly.

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FrightfullyPoshFloss · 20/10/2005 23:50

Edam, have been looking at their web page a few minutes ago. I really thought in the near future we would be financially better off, with a mortgage and secure in our own home (all be it with a lot of money secured on it). Now I just don't know what to do.

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Trickorflum · 20/10/2005 23:52

Blimey. Debts are tough, been there a little, long and slow.

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hunkerpumpkin · 20/10/2005 23:53

You could try these people?

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FrightfullyPoshFloss · 20/10/2005 23:55

Will try and have a reasonable discussion with him tomorrow. Managed a half reasonable one before I worked today, but not 'enough' IYSWIM. I've started going over it all again and am getting rilled, not a good way to be before bed. He is now willing again to get a joint bank account, which would allow me to have a greater say over what goes in and out. But could also lead to more rows. Also he has the better bank, but with my bank I have the better mortgage potential, so would have issues working that one out. Will try and get him to hand over his CC to me. I'm now quite good with those, have only used one once in the past 18 months to buy a fridge freezer. Still haven't managed to clear the balance, but not putting money on there is a good start.

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Trickorflum · 20/10/2005 23:57

With all due respect you are as a couple holding a lot of debt and considering taking on a 125% mortgage. With the housing market as shaky as it is that just seems bonkers. What if you want to/ have to move. Buying a house is expensive: legal fees, stamp duty etc.

Can't you just rent?

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HRHQoQ · 20/10/2005 23:57

why not get him to cut up his CC - then he can't use it??

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suzywong · 21/10/2005 00:00

We have dealt with debt; tax bills, business loans, CC.
Get a good accountant, worth the money. Definitely cut up the credit card, just snip it in two and bin it. And learn that you will have to go without certain things ( maybe a house) for a couple of years.

It's tough and I can totally appreciate that it winds you up and consumes a lot of your waking thoughts but it is possible to manage.

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hunkerpumpkin · 21/10/2005 00:01

With the CCs, if the balances are small enough, you can move them to a zero interest card.

As for accounts - I wouldn't have a joint account with him without having my own.

How about you have a separate joint account that you both pay a sum of money into which covers all your household bills? Make the debt repayments come out of it too, but get him to put more in in the first place.

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FrightfullyPoshFloss · 21/10/2005 00:10

Flum, the idea was that we find a house we really want to be in for the forseeable future. We are lucky that DS is still young so we can stay in an area for 10 yrs before having to worry about secondary schools. My bank offers a homestarter loan which is an interest only mortgage for the first 3 years. Which might afford us enough time to clear all debts. No, it should afford us enough time to. We would have 250 a month less to spend on rent by getting this mortgage than we do now. If we put 150 of that towards our debts that would be about 4500 in the time that we have the interest free option. I think DP's plans are for about 5 years untill he is debt free, (or so he thinks) mine is similar. He has had the big one for about 2 years now, so that should naturally run out by then. 4,500 would be about half of the rest of the money we collectively owe, so should be more than enough to clear it by then.

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FrightfullyPoshFloss · 21/10/2005 00:16

Sorry for blithering on in that post. I am just trying to make myself feel better so I can go and get in my bed and sleep... Thanks for your advice. I will try and get DP to cut up all his credit cards (he has about 8 I think), or at least give them to me to 'look after'.

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bloss · 21/10/2005 01:23

Message withdrawn

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mummytosteven · 21/10/2005 01:27

afraid I also agree with Flum. If you have to move in the very near future after buying a house on a 125% mortgage you could really be stuffed.

I think it would really help if you both spoke to CAB or CCCS and did a completely review of your spending - aside from anything else, it may help DP to face facts if someone unbiased reads him the riot act.

also agree with hunker - it's sensible for any woman with a child IMHO to have their own separate account as a safety net in case of emergency.

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LadySherlockofLGJ · 21/10/2005 08:03

I can't even think of anything constructive to say, that man leaves me speechless every time.

Huges hugs Flosspot, huge Hugs.

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tegan · 21/10/2005 08:08

Is bankrupcy an option?

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tribpot · 21/10/2005 08:17

What a horrible shock for you.

I'd suggest you post on The Motley Fool's Dealing With Debt board for some really sound advice. As a starter they will suggest you put together a list of all your monthly outgoings, the amount and APR of each debt, and details of your income, i.e. a Statement of Affairs (SOA). This will enable you to get a handle on the scale of the problem, which often is both terrifying and somehow a relief for people. Details of that here

You could also speak to either CCCS or PayPlan - I would be wary of other apparently free debt advisers, often that means their fee is taken from the payments you make, so it takes longer to pay off the debt. Equally I would be wary of what your bank will say, most likely offering you a consolidation loan to 'make the payments easier to manage'. Either CCCS or Payplan will want you to do an SOA as well, so this is definitely a good first step.

In the current housing market I would be very cautious about a 125% mortgage. Securing the debt on your house may be a risky move anyway, plus ultimately you will end up paying a lot more interest on the debt over the 25 year term. However, once you know the scale of the problem you will be in a better position to make a decision on that.

I would also add that if your dp hasn't yet realised what a problem he's created, it's likely he will carry on spending. In which case separating your finances as far as that's possible (which is not very when you live together and have kids) is your best option in the short term.

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MeerkatsUnite · 21/10/2005 08:24

Woul ssecond the suggestion made to contact the CCCS (Consumer Credit Counselling Service). CAB may be of some benefit but you may find the CCCS to be more helpful overall with this sum involved.
They deal with debts of this magnitude every day and have seen it all before so they will not be shocked, cast judgement or anything.

Have you seen written evidence that he is paying off these debts and are there any arrangements in place with the creditors re payment?. With eight credit cards to his name it sounds like he's playing off one credit card company against the other (commonly seen in people with high levels of debt). It needs to be established how much you exactly owe and to whom.

With debts like this his credit rating would be affected - along with yours.

Would not touch a 125% mortgage with a long pole especially with your situation as it is. Clearing the outstanding debt will have to be the main priority.

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Flip

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