Oh my god, we are so screwed.

[FrightfullyPoshFloss]

I knew Dp owed money. He has his debts and he is paying them. A whole £15,000, with no mortgage, no car, and no time at uni. But, have just been told today, that he also still has money on credit cards and also another loan for 7,000. I've been looking into getting a mortgage which is how all this has come out. How the fuck has he managed to screw this up so badly? How the hell are we going to overcome it?

not sure you need counselling, but you SHOULD sit down and work out a joint budget which includes everything.

Both of you need to move a little: he needs to adjust his spending and stop resenting household expenditure (it's funny how little conception some men have of "household" expenses is isn't it?). You need to stop resenting his debts (which it sounds like you do).

I'm so lucky dh has had a crap credit record for years. (I mean that)

and finally - actually it's not that bad not owning a house.

I must admit we are sooo so skint but don't use any credit cards any more at all. Way way way to scary. Even last year when we were pretty flush we left em alone.

Sounds awful but might be an idea to go bankrupt why?

1. To clear debts
2. To temporarily destroy credit rating so DP gets used to not using credit cards at all.
3. To bring him down to earth, nothing does that like an interview with an Insolvency Practitioner.

I used to work in an IP's and nothing sends the message home till they see it printed out on paper and have it explained by a man in a suit. Grown men always blub.

IVA might be a better idea though

Sorry, whats an IVA?

Have had a good chat with my mum (been on her hols, so glad to have her back today!!). She thinks I ought to involve his parents, ie, get him to own up to them what a mess he is in. I think they know he is in debt, but if even I didn't know how much, they I am sure will have no idea. I think mum hopes it will have the same effect as a bankrupcy bloke. I really don't think we need to go bankrupt. Yes, we have a shed load of debt, but, as we can afford the monthly payments, it would be shooting ourselves in the foot when we don't need to. If he didn't start to control his spending, then yes we would need to. If the worst comes to the worst, as long as we don't accrue anymore debt, even if we don't pay it off early, it will all be gone by 2010.

I know now isn't the time to be discussing the time for more babies, but, as an only child, the main reason I want another is for companionship for DS. I place a high value on that. I really wouldn't want to wait another 4 years for another. It would kind of negate some of the reason for having a second child.

Hi Floss,

An IVA is a legally binding arrangement with your creditors which allows you to repay your debts in affordable monthly payments over a fixed period of time, usually five years.

Your IVA proposals are put forward to creditors in a document called proposals. The proposals are lodged into Court and your creditors also receive a copy. If your assets are at risk because of action taken by creditors, we can apply to court for an Interim Order, which means that creditors cannot commence or continue with any action against you and your assets unless the Court permits them to do so.

A meeting of your creditors is held and creditors are able to vote on whether to accept, alter or reject your proposals. As long as you proposals demonstrate a genuine desire to repay as much of your debt as you can afford, it is likely that creditors will accept your IVA.

Once your IVA is approved all interest and charges on your unsecured debt is frozen. Also due to the fact that an IVA allows you to repay a proportion of your debt, then as long as you adhere to the agreed terms, the remaining balance of your debt will be written off.

Bankruptcy will impact on many areas of his life for a long time afterwards. It is not something you really want to go into.

Floss, why do you feel the need to "owe" anybody?. You say you "owe" it to your partner to stay because of your son and you want your son to have another sibling for companionship. You're putting everyone else's needs and perceived wants before your own.

Think your Mum's idea is a good one - his parents should be aware of the problem. Infact you could do what that debt programme does - the family write down how much they think he owes on a sheet of paper and the debtor writes down the the actual amount.

Primarily though your partner needs to face up fully to the extent of the problem. If he does not see the seriousness of the problem and does ostrich syndrome (i.e sticks head in sand) then you need to consider your own position re finances.

If this is not sorted out once and for all (in that partner faces up truly to the extent of the debt) you are looking at a non debt free existance for many years to come with the uncertainty that brings. It goes without saying that advice from both the CCCS and CAB should be sought as a matter of urgency.

Telling his folks is only going to be sensible if Floss's DP won't be blaming it on Floss not working or similar rubbish. (Or if his folks will recognise this as rubbish?) Otherwise, there will just be more people holding Floss responsible for her DP's money idiocy.

Thanks for the detailed explanation MKU. I think the thing that I think is we can still afford the payments, and going to courts etc to obtain these things seems a bit OTT. The only thing that really needs to change is DP's spending. I'm hoping he knows this. He says he does. Atm, his monthly repayments total about £400. He brings home at least £1650, and has rent and internet to pay totalling 770. So as you can see, he does have disposable income. Far more than me. Which is why I don't think it has been unreasonable to ask for some help, when I have been aiming to bring home 1100 a month and only managing 700.

His parents would have a hard time blaming it on me when he was over 10,000 in debt before we even met. That in itself surely shows that it is his spending habits which are causing the problem. Also, the only real effect me not getting enough work amounts to a princely sum of £400 maximum spread over the past 4 months roughly. So I could explain that, he would have to agree, as it is the truth. That Hardly accounts for the extra 7 grand loan he got just before Ds' arrival, does it? He did buy items for DS, but he used a big overtime payment to finance that. So I don't understand why another loan was needed. I am sure it wasn't on account of me and DS anyway. Rambling again aren't I? Sorry.

Sorry, to make that clear, he has had to pay out the £400 over the past 4 months. One lot of council tax, one hundred pounds he gave me, and one or two lots of electric, I'm not sure who paid the smaller bill. He thinks it was him, but that figure is including that.

Have skim read this but just wanted to say Floss, you really shouldn't have to ask your dp to 'help' you out by giving you money. He should just be doing it.

Will he not agree to pay a set amount into a bill acount each month so that at least you then know all the bills are paid ??

You are probably right NC. it all stems from the fact that as far as I can tell, I pay more of what I earn towards bills than he does. He has more money left than me, and just tries to tell me to reduce my spending on food, DS etc. He is a pig when it comes to money, really.

Hi Floss
Might be drifting off current topic slightly, but felt I needed to say that unless your dh is ready and willing to change his spending habits, it's going to be incredibly hard to get out of... You talked about getting him to hand over his credit cards - he needs to want to do that himself, or he won't stop.

Speaking from experience here - I ran up HUGE debts several years ago - before having kids. Didn't tell dp and was really out of control spending-wise. It finally came to crunch time, when we were thinking about buying a house and having kids, and I knew I had to confess, and stop all my spending. Very very difficult conversation - she had no idea...

So, I spoke to the bank and got them to take away my switch card and I cut up my credit card. I worked in cash ONLY for about 4 years. It was unbelievably hard at first - I was literally broke and dp had to bail me out many times - giving me my travel money/lunch money at times - I cried every day for ages, 'cos it was so hard.

8 years later I'm still paying off the debts (which were about £18K) and won't have finished paying them for a good while longer. But although I've got a switch card now (still no credit/store cards) I'm tons more sensible - keep to a minimum overdraft for emergencies, no more loans etc. We're broke but managed to buy a house - not our ideal one, but it's OK.

So, sorry to waffle, but just saying that I could only do this when I felt like it was really time to - I wanted to because I knew not to would risk ruining my relationship with dp and our future. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, so you need your dh to be really committed to it.

Sorry if this is off track. I was incredibly lucky that dp stuck by me - I hadn't told her for so long 'cos I was terrified she'd leave me if she knew. I think she probably thought about it, but I'm very lucky she didn't.

Every day I wish I hadn't done what I did - £300 a month of my money goes out on the debts and it's £300 we could really do with, but anyway, just trying to explain some of how your dh might be thinking, and how hard the next few months/years are going to be - for him aswell as the difference between spending tons of money and feeling like you've always got money, and of course the reality that you haven't is awful...

dot1 you are 100% right. I realise that. I have decided we will go and see a FA. I'm hoping that talking things through with someone else will help him to really take stock. Also, we can discuss the possibility of getting a mortgage and see what a proffesional thinks. And we could always get a second opinion to ensure we don't have biased opinion. My friend knows of one who specialises in ones for Key workers too. Am hoping that by going to see the FA, DP will be agreeable as it won't be as aggresive as taking him 'just' to discuss his finances specifically, but also future finances. Also apparently this chap works over the phone, so again, not quite so in your face. But then, perhaps I would rather see him face to face in this circumstance.

Floss, would definitely go and see him face to face - how will it work otherwise? You on the phone to him? Or DP? Swapping between you? Both on separate phones? Nooooo! Make a face to face appointment.

Hope you get it sorted - DP does need to change his attitude, and, as Dot says, that's really hard.

Yes, HP, thats the conclusion I drew as I was writing the post! hadn't thought of it like that before. Will see if this chap does meetings face to face and then just not mention to DP that it can be done over the phone .

Yes, better he doesn't know, Floss

Oh, he won't know HP. I can just imagine him whining too, the morning when we are trying to get the the appointment 'Why do we have to actually go there? Why can't they do it over the phone? What do we need to be there for?' I shall just smile sweetly and offer to do something for him to hurry him along.

Just been told by my bank that a mortgage would be possible and offered us much more than I would ever have thought. As much as it might even be worth paying stamp duty for! Wow. More serious thinking to do I think.