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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sensitive question...is this ummm....

92 replies

iamstrong · 03/03/2011 22:02

Well i have been putting of asking, not sure I want to know the answer.

Feel stupid asking actually but here goes....

Is it rape if you feel to scared to say no?

Actually 'no' was said but only at first then it's easier to just give in.

Mainly because things have been smashed up before when sex was denied, hundreds of pounds worth of things, leaving DS to walk in on glass being smashed all over the flaw.

Don't even know if it is rape because in the end it was just a case of doing it for an easy life, not that the kicking and punching stopped.

I don't know if it is rape because I don't know if after I gave in I actually wanted it to happen.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 22:03

I would call that rape, yes

when did this happen to you, and who did it ?

sarjose · 03/03/2011 22:08

Definite abuse of power by the sounds of it;sexually, physically and mentally

oldieneedsreminding · 03/03/2011 22:09

yes

Original poster
iamstrong · 03/03/2011 22:10

OK It happened for 4 years on and off, was my exp. I'm just trying to work out why I still love him. After the bruises and broken nose and ribs whilst pregnant and this ^ after ds was born. Glad he's gone of course but can't help my feeling for him.

I would go to the doctors but having been for my ED I know counselling isn't available and I would just be put on antiDs again.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 22:11

stockholm syndrome ?

oldieneedsreminding · 03/03/2011 22:12

call the police and they will treat it very very seriously. take him away, lock him up. It will definitly teach him a lesson.
BUT
only do this if you are willing to follow through with the consequences, and tbh, it doesnt sound as if you are. Its a very very seirous business calling the police on this. It is rape, but unless you are willing to deal with the aftermath, and there will be massive aftermath, yo u will be the one left with the bad record as well as him. get your finances in order, and make sure you ahve a place to live, all expensive stuff, like jewellry and housedeeds in a place he cant access as well as family and friend support. then kick his controlling backside into jail. Its rape. not his automatic marital right.

boxingHelena · 03/03/2011 22:18

when did this end?
it sounds like you are lucky to be alive Sad

Original poster
iamstrong · 03/03/2011 22:20

He actually has a restraining order imposed by the police after the last time i tried to say no, my house was so badly smashed up i could live there so am at no risk form him and no risk of a relationship occurring again. The SS know of the beating and damage but your right I don't know if I feel strong enough or believe in my self enough to make any one else believe me. I really don't think this is a case of him doing it to anyone else, I think we just clashed, just a bad combination.

I just don't know were to go from here, its been 2 months no contact and I can't get over it, not what he did to me but our relationship.

I can't go to the doctors, there's no point. At best I might be given a list of books to read to apparently deal with self respect, worth etc.

OP posts:
granhands · 03/03/2011 22:23

It is definately rape. Sometimes I think you (meaning me) convince yourself that you love them as a survival mechanism, otherwise why would you (I) stay as long as you did.

One day you will stop and hopefully all you will feel towards the person who hurt you is blessed indifference, I know that's all I feel.

Mind you it took quite along time,so be kind to yourself.

oldieneedsreminding · 03/03/2011 22:23

doctor would give you either anti depressants or counselling or both.

lol, a lovely mnetter has just suggested both to me, and i wish i oculd take her advice ,but i am seriously considering it, as life is very very hard, and better to be on antideressants than vodka

boxingHelena · 03/03/2011 22:24

I dont get it why GP cannot help / refer you to some counselling

steps101 · 03/03/2011 22:25

//I really don't think this is a case of him doing it to anyone else, I think we just clashed, just a bad combination.//
Shock NO! Sorry, but you're wrong - this wasn't bad chemistry and it wasn't precipitated by you: this is how he behaves.

//its been 2 months no contact and I can't get over it//
Two months is no time at all. I think you're expecting way, way too much of yourself if you think you should even have started to get over the relationship by now. You'll get there, but it is going to take time.

Original poster
iamstrong · 03/03/2011 22:30

Maybe they would, but when i have been for my serious ED they told me the waiting list for counselling was too long.

TBH I'm not sure I can talk to anyone in RL even a doctor unless counselling was guaranteed. Its like if I say it it's real and im not sure how I will react to that(typing it seems somewhat removed). Does that make any sense? Confused

OP posts:
perries · 03/03/2011 22:30

Yes please be kind to yourself and give yourself the safe space and time you need to recover.

As to why you still have feelings - I'll pass to you what a therapist asked me once -

What was your relationship with your own dad like?

AyeRobot · 03/03/2011 22:32

Sorry to hear this has happened to you, iamstrong. Yes, it is rape. You can contact Rape Crisis They may well be able to offer counselling through them.

You are not alone. There are lots of women on here who have been through similar.

Original poster
iamstrong · 03/03/2011 22:33

With my dad? Pretty crap at best, non existent at worst.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 22:35

AyeRobot gives good advice

Call Rape Crisis

they will understand, I promise you

Original poster
iamstrong · 03/03/2011 22:35

Did the other women on here keep going back to these men? Why doesn't something click the first time you wake up feeling dirty or in chaos?

OP posts:
boxingHelena · 03/03/2011 22:36

sorry OP I do not know what ED (depression?) is
but there are other ways, at least, as other posters suggest, and when you feel ready, you could try the various help lines available...
sounds like you have a great need of talking and bring all this stuff out, in your own time....
and yes it does make sense, and it is another little step toward recovery

PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 22:38

iamstrong, it is very common for people in an abusive relationship to stay long after they should have left

there are many reasons for that

it takes on average 7 times to leave, and that is possibly when there is no sexual abuse involved

could I ask that you do an advance search on a poster called mamazon who explains it much, much better than I can

Original poster
iamstrong · 03/03/2011 22:38

sorry ED=eating disorder. Control.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 22:40

look here for why women stay in abusive relationships

PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 22:42

and this MN thread

dignified · 03/03/2011 22:51

Im sorry hes done this to you Iamstrong , it sounds like he was horribly sexually abusive . Two months is no time at all , youve probably staggered through each day since then. You probably couldnt cope or process what was happening to you at the time , this is possibly the start of you processing that and feeling the greif and outrage that you rightly should feel.

Sexual abuse in marriages is more common than people think , your not on your own . I strongly suggest you contact womens aid , they can refer you to a local centre where you can get specialized counselling from kind people who understand what youve been through .

This happened to me too , i never thought id be right ever again , but i am (apparently !) and you will be too .

Original poster
iamstrong · 03/03/2011 22:55

Thank you PeterAndre the emotional attachment definitely rings true and the wearing down. I'm not sure I will ever have another relationship, I'm not sure I want one.

The most fucked up bit is I miss the physical contact with him and have no desire to be intimate with any one other than him ever again. I'm not even sure I care what the circumstances are. Oh god.

OP posts:
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