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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sensitive question...is this ummm....

92 replies

iamstrong · 03/03/2011 22:02

Well i have been putting of asking, not sure I want to know the answer.

Feel stupid asking actually but here goes....

Is it rape if you feel to scared to say no?

Actually 'no' was said but only at first then it's easier to just give in.

Mainly because things have been smashed up before when sex was denied, hundreds of pounds worth of things, leaving DS to walk in on glass being smashed all over the flaw.

Don't even know if it is rape because in the end it was just a case of doing it for an easy life, not that the kicking and punching stopped.

I don't know if it is rape because I don't know if after I gave in I actually wanted it to happen.

OP posts:
dignified · 03/03/2011 22:57

I really don't think this is a case of him doing it to anyone else, I think we just clashed, just a bad combination.

NO op . No way . Hes a sexual abuser and its not your fault . I was told by an experienced counseller that sexually abusive men are always sexually abusive.

This fucker is likeley to have some sort of serious personality disorder .

kingbeat23 · 03/03/2011 23:01

I too had to ask this question, as I didn't know if it "counted" whether or not you said no and they didn't listen and you were actualy in a relationship with them am lucky that I have a fabulous HV who even though I never mentioned it to her, she refered me to a domestic violence unit that works in my area, I'm lucky, I'm in London....are you in a city? there may be ways of being refered via your HV that way?

How about your Police DV unit? I recently started gettng injunctions raise and needed to report it to the police and they were going to refer me to the same unit I am seeing now....

Good luck and stay strong, you always think you are the only person that has experienced it until you start talking about it, it will surprise you the amount of people who will tell you it happened to them too

PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 23:01

love, this is very early days

you need to heal for much longer than this before you could consider being intimate again

google "stockholm syndrome" please

I really hope your need for safe physical contact (who could blame you ?) doesn't make you consider reconciling with him ...

listen to dignified she is very wise in this scenario (unfortunately for her)

Original poster
iamstrong · 03/03/2011 23:01

And i wanted to say women's Aid and Rape Crisis is a good idea. I even feel i just need reassurance that this isn't normal, I'm not overreacting(something described in your link PeterAndre).

OP posts:
kingbeat23 · 03/03/2011 23:03

The reaosn why you want to be with thi man is because of the conditioning nd brainwashing he has given you over the years you have been with him.

2 months is not long enough to work through the ways that he has conditioned you to think...

Do not blame yourself for this. He did this to you.
All of it. None of it was your fault. And in no way did you give him any indication that this was alright.

granhands · 03/03/2011 23:04

Please don't blame yourself for the things HE DID TO YOU (sorry for shouting), if you clashed with someone you would not smash things up and terrify that person to get them to "behave". He behaved that way so that you would be so cowed he could do whatever he liked to you, he is a vile, abusive person and he has mind fucked you.

This is what monsters do. Mine abused me for years, he would have sex whilst I was crying or trying not to vomit, he said to me that "women are just a gutter for men to spit in".

It took several goes to free myself from that,but I did, I used to feel sorry for him when he cried and said he had nowhere to live blah, blah, blah, but one day i stopped feeling sad for him and I started to feel pity. Pity is contempt in a nice coat, everything changed and now I don't even pause to wonder what he is doing and I am finaly, utterly free from him.

It's like standing on the top of a hill, the view is stunning.

PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 23:05

it isn't normal

you are not over-reacting

you are hurting and temporarily damaged, but you can find help

there is help for you out there, but you have to reach out for it....initially with professionals who will understand

your family and friends may not fully understand because they have very carefully-constructed social ideals about sex and relationships that they do not want to get rocked

but that is their problem, not yours

speak to someone who knows what you are saying

PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 23:07

OP, I want to congratulate you for getting away from him

don't waste that strength now.. youarestrong

gran Sad

AyeRobot · 03/03/2011 23:09

It's not normal, you aren't over reacting and it's not your fault. There you go! And it's all true.

Rape is rarely a stranger in a dark alley. It is more often someone a woman knows, someone she is in a relationship with. And the man doesn't always use direct violence - the threat of violence is enough, as you well know, and the law recognises this too. It's not just us saying so.

Hope you will reach out to some real life support tomorrow.

granhands · 03/03/2011 23:16

PA, don't feel bad, I have a great life now; his is shit. You reap what you sow.

I just think that a person needs to try to understand why they feel the way they do: if they have been abused, bullied and generally ground down by the dreadful existance they have endured it will take a while to get their head back to the way it used to be. If you have beenseriously ill, no-one would expect you to bounce back to full fitness just like that.

When you live with abuse or the fear of it, you loose your sense of what is normal. You are always in fight or flight mode, it's absolutely exhasting.

Iamstrong, you are. Just to make that step takes so much courage, I wanted to scrub myself with bleach once I realised what I had done for a quiet life.

(((hugs))) ... I know they are not really allowed, but hey ho.

dignified · 03/03/2011 23:18

Do ring someone Iam , it somehow makes it real when you speak out about it . I rang rape crisis many times . I couldnt speak but would sob and cry for ages then sniffle " goodbye , thanks for listening ".

The more support you get the more confirmation youll get that this was not ok and not your fault .Womens aid were fantastic and refered to me to a centre just a few miles away , it was just a little house that id passed many times but i never knew it was there .

I saw a loveley kind lady there who was really supportive and i felt , for the first time , really listened to and really cared for by all these loveley people who dedicated their time to help people like me .

Again i couldnt speak for the first few sessions and would sob while she passed me tissues and made me tea. Then i got angry and would rant about what a bastard he was . I once spent a whole session ranting about his farts and how bad they smelt Blush , but i got there in the end , and i can smile about those sessions now .

Be kind to yourself , youve been through a horrible time.

PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 23:18

hugs are allowed, deffo

Original poster
iamstrong · 03/03/2011 23:23

I was 17 when this started, I'm 23 now. The 4 years was on and off with a break in between, I kept going back to him. Its the only relationship I've been, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to expect from a relationship, whats normal, what should be tolerated.

Will women's aid and the other charity give me clarity on this?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 23:25

yes, they will

have a really good look around the Womens Aid website here

AyeRobot · 03/03/2011 23:31

The others will be better placed to answer that, iamstrong. Does anyone have that thread that Reality started ages ago bookmarked too?

I'm going to suggest getting Wht Does He Do That? which is a great book for having some understanding of what you've been through.

You should be very proud of escaping from this situation and for being so clear-headed about what you need. That is brilliant.

granhands · 03/03/2011 23:31

Blimey, I was 17 when I meet mine and it took me until I was 30 to get out. Well done you.

I made sure I had well over a year off before I even considered men, and when I did start to consider them I picked one who treats me like a best friend, you know like I am something precious and rare, which I am!

PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 23:33

I think the reality thread is a sticky now

PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 23:34

erm , I don't actually know how to find "stickies" Blush

Original poster
iamstrong · 03/03/2011 23:35

I'm in a big town so would imagine there is help.

I can imagine that having someone to talk to even if its just validation that I'm worth talking to would help massively.

I'm so sorry to everyone else who has experienced this. I didn't realise how common it was, its so helpful to hear im not alone but so awful that there are so many.

Kingbeat what is a DV unit?

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 03/03/2011 23:37

Heh, Peter, you must have hidden them like I have.

Found it

PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 23:39

DV unit...domestic violence unit

often atached to a police dept in large towns, where people who have been abused in relationships can get support if they wish to put their experiences on record or make charges

if you speak to Womens Aid, they may be able to point you in the right direction

PeterAndreForPM · 03/03/2011 23:40

yes, I think I have stickies hidden

good find, aye

Original poster
iamstrong · 03/03/2011 23:56

I just can't believe that were so many opportunities to tell someone and i wasted them.

The ss and (i assume) Dv unit who came round after I called the police after he smashed my flat up. I even showed them a massive bruise that covered the whole of my side and they didn't seem bothered, but then again neither did I.

It was almost like i wouldn't let my self be what I stupidly viewed as a bad thing, a victim. And I loved him, still do.

OP posts:
Original poster
iamstrong · 03/03/2011 23:57

gran you poor thing. 17 is so young, it sounds so much worse coming from someone else.

OP posts:
Mamaz0n · 03/03/2011 23:57

Iamstrong - yes. He has raped you.

When in a relationship you don't need to hear the words no to know you are raping them. You know that person well enough. He will argue that he didn't of course. but you know he knew, and so does he.

Your name is very apt. You are incredibly strong. To even broach the prospect that what you have experienced is rape is the very first step on the road to owning what happened. To taking back the control he stole from you.

I was pointed in the direction of the thread because sadly i am known on MN for having spent a very long time with a very abusive man.

But you know what, im not with him now. And i cannot tell you how very different my life is.
I never ever considered that i could ever trust a man again. The idea of having a man touch me freaked me right out.
But i have been with Dp for 2 years now.

Don't rush yourself. take things one day at a time.

If you want to talk offboard then you are more than welcome to PM me. or if you would like specific advice then just ask away.