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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Carry On Into Spring - BOING!!

1000 replies

Mouseface · 01/03/2011 22:26

Previous Thread

The One Before

And All Others Before That

So, this is The Brave Babes Battle Bus.

All are welcome, regardless of your background, stage of sobriety, or anything else. Smile

I'm Mouse and have been here since June 2010, and in control of my drinking since August 2nd 2010.

You will find unconditional support here. Always.

Whatever you feel about drinking (or not), we've been in your shoes. Some more than once.

So, come say hi, come grab a seat. There is always an open door and a warm welcome on this Bus.

OP posts:
GollyHolightly · 17/03/2011 10:45

Oh, and a couple of questions if you've got a minute!

Do they charge for attending meetings?

Do they sit in a circle, or is it more like a lecture setting? I think I will feel very exposed if it's in a circle, which will be fine once I've been a couple of times and feel more comfortable but I want to sneak in as quietly as possible tomorrow.

Is the meeting likely to be very busy? what's the average number of people at meetings?

venusandmars · 17/03/2011 10:50

Hi Golly - how awful that someone has sent you that! You could complain to mumsnet HQ because it is abuse of the pm system. If someone is not in support of AA then it would be much better if they posted openly, so that people who know something about it could respond and you could see more than one side of the argument (if you even wanted to look).

Well done anyway, for coming back on here, and for deciding that you need to get some help. That is a good thing to do.

venusandmars · 17/03/2011 10:55

MIFLAW will be along to answer your questions from a more experienced viewpoint, but my own brief experience has been:

  • no you do not have to speak, not ever, if you don't want to
  • more of the meetings I've been to have sat in a circle, a couple have 'gone round the circle' giving everyone an opportunity to speak, but again, you DO NOT have to - several people just say their name, or just shake their head and pass on to the next person without saying anything. the nice thing about sitting in a circle is that you feel included - for me it was the first time anyone had specifically included my for my drinking habits.
  • you do not have to pay - although AA is self financing so most will have a way of collecting money (MIFLAW will be able to tell you the variety) but it is voluntary, and no one will even blink if you do not put in a pound.
MIFLAW · 17/03/2011 11:04

Golly

Even most closed meetings will make an exception for a newcomer - there should be a name and phone number for the meeting on the website, phone up and check if you want to be certain. Or just tell your husband to keep quiet!

There are people who are anti AA and people who are pro AA and all have their right to an opinion - but I am always suspicious of people who knock something without saying why and without providing a better idea. Also worth saying that most of these sites refer to America, where (sad but true) AA can be a lot more doctrinaire. In Britain, people tend to be a lot more accepting of difference and of doing whatever works.

There's someone else on here from Bristol - perhaps you could find her and see if she can tell you more about Bristol meetings (I've only ever been to two meetings in Bristol). But they'll basically be the same as everywhere else. The ones I went to were very friendly and had a very "healthy" feel about them.

Questions - you will not have to say anything, though you may be invited to introduce yourself. In any case, if you feel at all uncomfortable, "pass" is a perfectly valid response to whatever they throw at you. Nothing is obligatory. Again, phone the number of the meeting to set your mind at rest, but I am sure you will be fine.

There is no charge for meetings. We are self supporting through our own contributions ("tradition 7"), which means we have a voluntary whip round to pay for rent, teas, coffees and the telephone office. typically, newcomers (and especially guests, like your husband) would be expected NOT to put into this (because then we wouldn't be self-supporting.) If you do put in, it is up to you how much, though most people who can afford it probably put in a pound or two. I personally put in about £2.50 because this is the price of my first drink; but when I'm broke it's sometimes just the shrapnel in my pocket! No one watches, and no one checks.

Typically, there will either be a round table at which the keenies like me sit, and rows of seats around the edge of the room; or rows going back, facing the "top table" where the speaker will sit. You can sit where you like; again, the eralier you arrive, the more choice of seat you will have. In general, the secretary starts the meeting; the speaker (an ordinary member of AA who's 6 months or more sober, i.e. just another ex-drunk) will tell his or her story for about half an hour; and then it will be opened for raised voice sharing, which means if you want to say anything, wait for a gap, intorduce yourself and start speaking and if not, stay quiet.

The smallest meeting I have ever attended had 5 people including me (Birchington Saturday); the biggest meeting (Pont street in Chelsea) had well over a hundred. I would say a typical meeting has between 10 and 30 people in it. Again, asking someone local will help more than I can here. As you go to a few, you will find the meetings you like and the ones you don't. I personally prefer the smaller meetings, but each to their own.

IsinDeBetterPlace · 17/03/2011 11:04

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IsinDeBetterPlace · 17/03/2011 11:05

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IsinDeBetterPlace · 17/03/2011 11:19

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GollyHolightly · 17/03/2011 11:27

Goodness, so many replies! Thank you all, it's much appreciated. I think until I've got a feel for it I will tell dh to keep his trap shut tomorrow - I don't want my good intentions being derailed before they've even begun by causing a kerfuffle at my first meeting Grin

I would imagine that it will be quite a busy meeting, early friday evening must be quite a popular time, don't you think?

I'd rather not out myself to a fellow local AA member just yet, although if she sees this and is going to the same meeting tomorrow then she's going to figure out who I am anyway, probably!

I sent a 'lovely' message back to the person who sent me the anti link. She probably thought she was being helpful, bless.

I'm not really a 'joiner of things' in general, the only other group that I belong to - I take a back seat and never volunteer for any extra duties, so my intention is to get a feel for things at AA and just see where it leads rather than making any commitment to doing the steps specifically.

Strangely enough, the last time I was at the doctors (for something unrelated) I mentioned that I had stopped drinking entirely (last time I was on the wagon) and instead of probing much about why that was, he said that a glass or two might do me good Hmm I'm getting quite good at ignoring those unhelpful types Wink

Mouseface · 17/03/2011 11:48

Morning Brave Babes.

Welcome back Golly, I hope you find the support you need at AA. Smile

thurso - thanks, he's off shortly but only local, he's interviewing candidates for a company so fingers crossed they are as good in the flesh as on paper.

Well, we've just got back from our second playgroup session. Nemo loves it, went straight off to find some toys.

I chatted with one of the mums too, so we are both making new friends Smile

Off to hydro now...... back later xx

OP posts:
IsinDeBetterPlace · 17/03/2011 11:49

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GollyHolightly · 17/03/2011 11:58

Grin Why would I want just one! Grin Well therein lies the problem. One glass of wine/champers is a bloody pointless thing if you ask me, which is why I'm in this situation now. I feel quite relieved having made the decision to go to a meeting - I've tried quitting alone on and off for years, even had addiction counselling (where there was an offy that I passed on my way home Hmm ) but I've resisted AA because I'm not a 'sharing' type of person in RL. I feel it's my last chance to make it work - seems to work for others, I have a couple of friends who have made it work by going to meetings, although I don't know if they still go. It might be nice to see a friendly face! I enjoyed my last month on the wagon - I have no real idea why I started drinking again, but I very quickly fell back into the old patterns.

What do you do if you're invited to a party, or to dinner or something, where you know other people will be drinking, possibly quite heavily? Like most alcoholics I seem to have surrounded myself with friends who also drink - probably because we can tolerate each others habits more readily than non drinkers. I'm quite worried about my closest friend, her drinking is quite out of hand at the moment but I won't be saying anything to her because it's her job to recognise that, not mine.

Anyway, I'm rambling on a bit - dh seems pleased that I've made the decision and I don't want to let him down, I think he's very close to the end of his tether. He's such a good man and I love him, I'm lucky to have him and it would be stupid to throw all that away for the sake of getting shitfaced.

MIFLAW · 17/03/2011 12:03

"he said that a glass or two might do me good" - well, he's right, isn't he. A glass or two might do you good. But as you're apparently not the type who can have a glass or two, you'll have to pass. He's not being unhelpful, bless him - he just doesn't really "get" what you're like.

Swimming fifty lengths of the pool every morning might do you good - but, if you can't swim, it's likely to do you a lot of harm!

Friday evening IS a popular time - but, because of that, there are probably quite a few meetings on, so it balances out. My own Friday meeting in SE London probably gets about 10-15 people.

I'm not a joiner, either. I hate joining things. I made an exception for AA, though. Don't commit to anything at all - just make a commitment to yourself that you're going to turn up, stay till the end, take on board any advice that seems good, ignore the rest - and try it more than once! My advice would be to keep going to AA until you have a better idea.

Even if you attend AA, stop drinking, and never work a single step or say a single word, in some respects at least your life will get easier. When you reach that point, you can decide whether you want to get more out of it, and whether there's still room for improvement, or whether that's enough.

MIFLAW · 17/03/2011 12:06

"What do you do if you're invited to a party, or to dinner or something, where you know other people will be drinking, possibly quite heavily?"

Well, the first thing I do is not worry about it till I'm actually invited.

Thereafter, I decide if I want to go or not - presumably, you're not married to the Mob? So you can always say no.

If I do go, I try to find where there is a meeting nearby. That way I can drop in before the party, or if not, even just knowing it is there can keep me calm, even if I don't go.

I also work out what I will say to make a quick getaway if it gets too much; and I know how I will handle being offered a drink (9 times out of 10, a simple "no thanks" will suffice - if not, "I'm driving" or "I'm on antibiotics" are classics.)

GollyHolightly · 17/03/2011 12:08

MIFLAW - that made me laugh - swimming 50 lengths... Grin

The link I was sent, I think essentially it was saying that anyone that managed to stop drinking in AA would have done it anyway, and that it was a religious cult. I suspect it was written by an ex AA member, not that I read far enough to ascertain that Wink I've had lengthy conversations with an AA friend in the past and so I understand where the god bit comes in, and although I don't have a religious bone in my body I'm open to finding my inner god - or whatever it is.

It's really very nice to 'talk' to people who understand. Maybe I'll find the meetings easier to join in than I think.

I did once go to a meeting, years ago, but I got as far as standing across the road (watching the smokers about to go in) and couldn't force my legs to take me in. I hadn't told anyone I was going which I don't think helped so hopefully having dh with me will give me courage.

IsinDeBetterPlace · 17/03/2011 12:19

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GollyHolightly · 17/03/2011 12:26

My experience of dry spells in the past is that no-one ever really batted an eyelid if I wasn't drinking, so I know that's not going to be a big issue most of the time. I was dry on my 40th birthday, we were on holiday in the US and absolutely no-one commented on it, which was very refreshing.

The one person who will comment (not negatively I wouldn't have thought) will be my best friend, the one I'm a bit worried about. She lives out of town and we usually get together in her village where we will go to the pub and I'll stay the night. I don't know how to socialise with her in a different way - and we've been very close for over 20years Shock. We both work and have kids so daytime socialising is unlikely other than maybe a walk on a sunday if she's not too hungover.

Is it a good idea to avoid alcohol situations entirely for a while until I feel confident that I can manage them?

IsinDeBetterPlace · 17/03/2011 12:31

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GollyHolightly · 17/03/2011 12:37

No, thank you Isin Grin

For years I think I've thought of AA as a negative thing, as in that I would be losing something but something has clicked in my head and now I feel more that it will be gaining something positive - sobriety, and all the benefits that come with it. It will be a different life, but a well overdue one.

IsinDeBetterPlace · 17/03/2011 12:38

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MIFLAW · 17/03/2011 12:42

"The link I was sent, I think essentially it was saying that anyone that managed to stop drinking in AA would have done it anyway, and that it was a religious cult."

I am absolutely certain, as certian as I have ever been about anything, that I would NOT have stopped drinking without AA. Partly because I never even considered stopping until I went to AA - I thought that drinking was necessary and that I just needed a way to do less of it. Not drinking was a very scary idea - but also, beleive it or not, a novel one. I also didn't believe it was possible not to drink; and that, if this was how shit my life was WITH a drink, how shit would it be WITHOUT one? Only seeing happy sober people in AA gave me the confidence even to try.

As for AA being a religious cult, I am openly an agnostic atheist (I am not sure what there is beyond, because it is unknowable but my default position is that there's probably nothing) in AA and outside of AA. This has never caused a problem for me, nor does it stop me from working the programme, as my Higher Power is sometimes AA itself and sometimes my unconscious, which is something which I cannot control by willpower alone, which can control me, and which wants the best for me.

So, in the words of the Viz letters page, that fucks that theory up for a start, doesn't it?

MIFLAW · 17/03/2011 12:44

You also have to wonder at the mental health of someone who, totally unbidden, bombards a stranger with his or her views on a purely personal matter that might have a major impact in their life. I personally think Christianity is as full of holes as a sieve, but I don't go out of my way to say this to Christians, especially if they say that the Church is helping them where everything else has failed.

JaneS · 17/03/2011 13:05

Hmm. If that person really truly believes it's a religious cult, I can see why they'd feel the need to PM you ... but good thing you're not the credulous type! It seems a bit worrying to me.

IsinDeBetterPlace · 17/03/2011 13:33

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GollyHolightly · 17/03/2011 13:33

Ah well, I love a good conspiracy theory, me, not that I really believe most of them I just like to consider the possibility, but even I started reading the link and thought WTF?? I've never EVER heard of the crap it was spouting but I cannot for the life of me work out the intention behind sending it other than for malicious reasons. Nasty, but I'm not at all bothered by it Grin

MIFLAW · 17/03/2011 13:42

Golly

I think there are people on this site (and in RL) who are worried about their drinking - but, for various (understandable) reasons, are terrified of doing something about it. All alcoholics are extremely competent manipulators - it goes with the turf - so, rather than address the objective criticism (you drink too much) they much prefer to pick holes in the suggested solution (maybe I do, but you won't catch me going to AA - it's a cult, full of religious nutjobs. Do you know, I heard of a guy in America who got brainwashed and had to go into therapy because his sponsor raped him? So, if that's your best idea, then I'd rather keep drinking, thank you very much.) Such is the power of the delusion that they will tell you about this even when the critic is not you but is inside their own heads!

I am sure bad things happen in AA meetings ALL THE TIME because they are full of people and people, especially sick, manipulative people, do bad things. But I wouldn't keep my children out of school just because someone I know got bullied in a completely different school twenty years ago. Always ask yourself - and them - have you got a better idea?

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